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Wednesday, October 19, 2016

Things to Forget to Clear Up Space in Your Mind

I've finally reached stasis. Nobody touch me.

Potato chip survival strategy: Hold on to other chips in front and behind you. When pulled out of bag, let go and land on floor. Then play dead.

Tip to robbers: Crawl through the doorway following a robbery when you exit a store, that way they'll think you're only about 1 foot tall.

My earbuds say they're guaranteed to not fall out, with the disclaimer "as long as you allow one of our customer reps to surgically implant them."

Things different planets need...
Mercury: air-conditioning
Mars: women
Neptune: cigarettes
Jupiter: comic books
Saturn: new coat of paint

I tried to negotiate a turn, but I was only able to talk the car down to 45 miles per hour.

If a band uses the harmonica, that's a good sign their songs won't be about the destruction of civilization.

Dexy's Midnight Runners would have been music legends if only they had realized their potential and been like the Beatles.

You could win $1,000,000. And you could be sucked into a sinkhole on the way to work. So ask yourself, do I feel lucky... well, do ya, punk?

This is Prostate Awareness Month, and I'm just finding out on the 21st? How could I go that long without being aware of my prostate?

My guess is Occam probably never shaved, because growing a beard would’ve been simpler.

Nobody cares about temperature anymore... it's always humidity, humidity, humidity.

Linn-Benton Tractor said they're taking care of all my trailer needs. I didn't even know I had trailer needs.

Facebook notifications I'd like to see: "John Doe changed one pixel in his profile picture. See if you can figure out which one."

There's no need to kill two birds with one stone if you have seven stones.

Trying to solve a crossword, 11-letter word for "hindermost proclivity", and the ninth letter is a 'k'.

I forgot to mention the crossword is in Swahili.

You know we're real close to artificial intelligence when autocorrect gets the right word 3% of the time. It's like it's reading my mind.

The fatalist understands that putting one's ducks in a row only makes them an easier target.

I have my phone set to masochistic. It warns me if I have the volume down too low.

As the world spirals into oblivion, the universe balances it out with a new Phish album.

History will look back in bewilderment at the numerous civilizations wiped out in the Clown Wars.

The word 'Revolution' is popular in songs only due to its cadence in four beats. As it turns out, nobody really wanted to revolt.

The best laid plans of mice and men are doomed to failure, as mice have an undeveloped prefrontal cortex and men form committees.

There are thousands of car alarms going off all over the world at any given moment. If aliens are trying to come here, we may be scaring them away.

The two types of people in the world:
a) those who see it my way
b) those who are incapable of compromising

Mornings are a conspiracy to get me out of bed each day.

My pet slug ran away last week. Finally, after getting three feet away from the front door, he decided to come back.

Whenever a magazine gives 99 tips on something, I'm thinking "You were that close..."

Caution: That thing you just microwaved for five minutes to make it hot will be hot.

Dolphins may be highly advanced, but only 4% of them can parallel park, compared to 7% for humans.

Samsung to donate millions of Galaxy Note 7's to International Olympic Committee for lighting of the Olympic flame at 2018 Winter Games.

CNN reports there are ten times more galaxies in the universe than previously estimated.... um, which is also an estimate.

Bucket list in final week of life: Drive through red light fifty times while changing facial expression each time for traffic camera.

Samsung says the Galaxy Note 7 catching fire is a new feature. "What if you're stranded in the wilderness and you need to ignite something?"

I still don't understand why Jason Bourne was on Mars. Granted, it's a decent place to hide and all, but it's much more fun when he has to flee.

Every day we just go through the motions. Tomorrow, for a change of pace try doing it all telepathically.

Evolution of yapper dogs had they continued in the wild:
Yap!, yap!, yap!, yap!..... extinct.

It's always strawberry banana, but never banana strawberry. Somebody needs a better publicity agent.

If your doctor owns a copy of Medicine For Dummies, it could be time to start worrying.

Great... someone may have stolen the information on my fake Yahoo e-mail account.

There's no 'I' in 'me'.

You can tell if a musician is serious or not by whether they employ "la-la-la" in their la-la-lyrics.

They call Facebook social media because "propaganda psychobabble machine" had too many syllables.

Phish is a cross between a Grateful Dead tribute band without the drugs and the group that comes in third every year at the county fair.

Why are we so surprised when politicians lie? That's the only thing they're good at...

Every time you say "uh" or "um", an angel loses its wings.

Which shoehorned categorization fits your feeble attempt at describing your personality through a multiple choice quiz? Wow, that's me....

If nothing in the universe had eyes or visual sensory mechanisms, would color exist?

So it's vampires, zombies, werewolves, lawn gnomes, wizards, pirates... and now clowns. Mimes can't be too far around the corner.

Stores have signs saying they card anyone under 30. But then wouldn't they have to card people in their thirties to see if they're under 30?

Memo to The Onion: You can quit now—we've caught up with you.

Apparently someone on my LinkedIn list just added a new skill. I must stop what I'm doing and go find out if they can now swallow fireballs.

Iggy Pop rumored to be taking over Orville Redenbacher franchise.

"Which superhero are you?" None of them--that's why they get all the movie deals and then I watch them on DVD. Very subtle difference there.

When they say something free is "complimentary", it means the rest of what they're offering is going to cost you in gold bullion.

A book of idioms might also be titled "Headline Writing For Dummies".

Carpet and furniture fabric patterns camouflage stains by simulating them. Somewhere in there is a life lesson.

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