tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37500314333335920272024-03-13T08:04:45.558-07:00Rusted RuminationsAn understated amalgamation of brainwaves and scattered emotional responses originating from my inauspicious desktop™Rusty Southwickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15219593571227897865noreply@blogger.comBlogger137125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3750031433333592027.post-15099902031831990822017-07-04T12:32:00.001-07:002017-07-04T13:02:02.436-07:00What Confucius Forgot to Say, But Told Me in a Dream<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Air makes food spoil, so the answer to solving world
hunger is to get rid of all nitrogen and oxygen.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">The radio ad said they wanted to wish me and my
loved ones a happy holiday experience. Don’t they care at all about my enemies?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">When a volcano dies, does it get cremated?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Enter for a chance to win, and a million chances to
lose.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">It doesn't matter how deranged others might consider
you to be, as long as they still think you're saner than they are.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Nature documentary all-time won-loss record of
rabbits in the wild versus other animals: no wins, 46,817 losses.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">A young Arnold Schwarzenegger circa 1973, prepping
for his classical music role-playing: “You be Beethoven... and I'll be Bach.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Study says eating nuts every day could help you live
longer. Or it could make you spontaneously combust at age 36, they're not
really sure.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">If an avalanche ever fell on a bunch of sharks that
were eating pirates, the news media would go apoplectic.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Descartes: “I think, therefore I am. Plus, Captcha
verified that I was human.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Breaking: Harry Potter involved in unethical
practices, according to anonymous sorceress.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Everybody wants to recycle, but nobody wants to
cycle the first time.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">If your bucket list includes scaling thousand-foot
cliffs, I’d say it’s probably better to put that one toward the end of your list.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">They should have chihuahuas be police dogs. They
wouldn't help apprehend anyone, but at least it would keep the chihuahuas off
the streets.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Traffic lights are going back and forth between red
and green everywhere you look. How can anyone rest with all this going on??<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">When Buddy Holly asked for help on what to name his
band...... crickets.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">A pessimist is one who says “Things can't get any
worse.” An optimist is one who says “Oh, yes they can!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-zcc_Q9sJT8g/WVvsc88z_dI/AAAAAAAAB9g/49blZkCBrYYcfq7p5X35wLrfe3eS47s1gCEwYBhgL/s1600/underwatergolf.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="153" data-original-width="162" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-zcc_Q9sJT8g/WVvsc88z_dI/AAAAAAAAB9g/49blZkCBrYYcfq7p5X35wLrfe3eS47s1gCEwYBhgL/s1600/underwatergolf.jpg" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Instead of spending $15 on a pizza, send the money
to me. And assume you’d eat pizza for every meal an entire week.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">indescribable, adj. - “not describable; too
extraordinary for description.” So then why is it an adjective?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Bill Gates was the only one who tweeted when Elvis
died forty years ago.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I prefer doing things for all intents and/or
purposes just to leave my options wide open.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Tribute bands are paying tribute while you’re paying
them.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">When someone says they're reaching out to you, ask
them why they're so far away.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Little-known fact… The names of Lawrence Welk's two
female assistants were: Anna 1, Anna 2.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">My favorite insect is the praying mantis, followed closely
by the genuflecting mantis and the curtsying mantis.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Exclusive: In order to maintain its ongoing credibility, People
magazine reports once more that Jennifer Aniston is still alive.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">My phone says my Verizon cloud is full. I guess
that's how they introduce me to the idea that I have a Verizon cloud. Well
played.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">We're reluctant to let any species become extinct or
any aging celebrity leave the earth.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">When Oreo flavors and potato chip flavors eventually
merge, that will be an indication of the end of times.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I just listened to a few songs by the Smiths, and
now I have no ambition.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">A debate merely demonstrates who the better debater
is, not who's right.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Why would a terrorist organization not take credit
for an attack? Would they be worried about their reputation?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Please support my GoFundMe account so I'll never
have to work again in my life. I'll even send you postcards from Tuscany.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I wonder if internet links will still be underlined
in a hundred years… if artificial intelligence hasn't annihilated us first.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Everybody's in a hurry to get somewhere, but they
already are somewhere.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-WRmkcSykc2c/WVvsdJLlRbI/AAAAAAAAB9k/mjC9g-bW9y4TBFPoIuZ5erg-Y2C2bmZ6ACEwYBhgL/s1600/roadsign.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="455" data-original-width="474" height="306" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-WRmkcSykc2c/WVvsdJLlRbI/AAAAAAAAB9k/mjC9g-bW9y4TBFPoIuZ5erg-Y2C2bmZ6ACEwYBhgL/s320/roadsign.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Horses are insufferable naysayers, which is why I
can't be around them in closed company.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Does moss on my car mean it needs to be washed or
that nature is protecting it?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Instead of “May contain content inappropriate for
children,” shouldn't movies say “Contains content that may be inappropriate for
children”?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">The New York Times said in an opinion piece that
according to their opinion, they know what some facts are. So is it their
opinion they know, or do they know that it's their opinion?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">The meaning of every word is another word.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Evolution has failed me... I always hit my stride
five minutes before bedtime.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">They could make movie theaters ten times smaller and
just put people ten times closer to the movie screen.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Nothing like a good stretch… or being buried in an
avalanche of marshmallows.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">You never realize just how much you depend upon your
phone until you have to go without it for a while... ten minutes is a heck of a long
time.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">3-D crossword holograms are the wave of the future.
Unfortunately, no one has invented it yet, and currently Obi-wan is our only
hope.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Don't be reeling off some elegantly-placed adjective
when you don't yet have a noun for it to modify.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Saying “I Love Us” is half narcissistic.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">The downfall of human civilization will be marked as
the point where passwords turned into
I-don't-know-what-it-is-so-email-a-new-one-to-me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">In the presidential election, early voters in some
states were allowed to change their vote, but to make it official they had to
tell Regis it was their final answer.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">My linguistics professor once told us that no two
words have the same meaning, which I find both astounding and astonishing.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">It's quicker to say “Volkswagen” than it is to say “VW”,
but people think they’re saving time by using an acronym.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">We get it already, mattress brigade... mattresses
are so soft that raw eggs can sleep comfortably on them.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I've been inside a cave for the last twenty eight
years. Did I miss anything?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">If RealFeel is generally 3 degrees warmer than the
actual temperature, is the 72 I'm comfortable with the normal 72 or the
RealFeel 72?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">This could be the most pivotal presidential election
in your lifetime, especially if you have the lifespan of a gnat.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">If someone asks you if you're calling them a liar,
say, “I'm ambivalent on the matter. I'll have to try it out and see how it fits
first.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">My phone gave a warning that said listening to music
at loud volumes may damage your hearing, so I pressed “I'm feeling lucky.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I'm so busy, I have on my calendar next Friday: “There
must be something going on tonight.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">People wear pajamas out in public because??......
all their other clothes are at the dry cleaners.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Ask a determinist if they'll let you make any of
their decisions for them.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Exit polls confirm that voters are exiting the
voting areas.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">If only they made voting as fun as breaking things,
then we would finally have our truly representative democratic process.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Social media has set humanity back two centuries,
with the realization that we're collectively much dumber than we thought we
were.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Tasty food is commonly referred to as “mouth-watering”,
because “saliva inducing” doesn't quite have the same appeal to it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Vortex, nexus and axis all curiously have the
intersecting 'X' in them, probably from the shared Latin root 'excalibur',
meaning crossing swords.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Social media has shined a light on how many
eccentric people there are, dashing all preconceptions.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">The English language needs to add more words so I
can score higher in Words With Friends.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Unlike Facebook, curiously my Twitter followers
don't cheer whenever I change my profile picture or remark on what a good look
it is for me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Everyone wants to go from point A to point B, but
for some reason no one is interested in going from point B to point A.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">If you just tell me the news, you don't need to also
tell me that it's breaking. It's already implied in the basic concept of news.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">A remote occurrence that doesn't happen 97% of the
time on any given day will still occur, on average, once every month.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-qv87uO6KwDI/WVvsdBWbB7I/AAAAAAAAB9o/U7TNW3aPdp0xEEsB8kcvEKNwlZg8HTDlgCEwYBhgL/s1600/bunnyshadow.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="398" data-original-width="441" height="180" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-qv87uO6KwDI/WVvsdBWbB7I/AAAAAAAAB9o/U7TNW3aPdp0xEEsB8kcvEKNwlZg8HTDlgCEwYBhgL/s200/bunnyshadow.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">My only goal in life is to outlive all my to-do
lists.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Wise man say: When having great day, don't limit to
24 hours.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">30 days is our default period for approximating a
month, and yet only four of the months are 30 days long.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Iggy Pop must've come after Shemp and Curly Joe,
perhaps in an uncredited role.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">If I won't believe #14, how come you put it way down
at #14?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Tom Brady has gotten so good that he has to spot the
other team 20 points in order to keep from getting bored.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">All these lists of places to visit before you die,
but what I’m really interested in is the list of places to visit after you die.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Somebody took my parking space, and then I
remembered I don't own a parking space.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">What happened to June?? I thought June was supposed
to have 47 days.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Historians will be perplexed by incessant late 20th
and early 21st century lyrical references to one's beloved as “baby”.
Apparently these people thought of each other as infants.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Heat only feels good while you're cold, but once
you're hot, then cold feels good.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">(my next random thought will be unintentionally left
blank)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">If I talk more than three seconds in a day about
cars, it's too much.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">The same operating system that recognizes Caps Lock
is on can't account for that and use the password entry as if Caps Lock were
off.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I can't stay away from Facebook... it shows me how
to cook all these meals that have such exotic colors. And kittens fit in there
somewhere.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">My phone warns me when I turn the volume too high on
my music, yet it never says anything about the perils of social media.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Nobody really knows how to use the word “robust”,
but it's a lot of fun to say.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">An attribute of intelligent people is that they
don't believe Facebook memes telling them what attributes intelligent people
have.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">People keep saying we need to stop the hate, but
haven't remarked on needing to stop criminal activity existing since medieval
times.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">(this thought intentionally left unblank)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Is there any difference between prohibited and
strictly prohibited?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">There is 116 grams of sugar in a 6-ounce bag of
Ocean Spray dried cranberries, which is only 54 fewer grams than if it were 6
ounces of pure sugar.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Celebrities have roughly 73 awards shows. They must
like getting awards.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I didn't even realize they made home comfort
systems. In former times, it was just hot or cold air blowing out your vents.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">People who've been posting memes in social media for
years are suddenly concerned about fake news.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Celebrity political videos where they keep repeating
a mantra are really convincing. They're really convincing... they're really
convincing.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">There isn't anything in life that makes sense if you
try to intellectualize it. But through intuition, you can understand at a
deeper level.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Motivational speakers use their hands a lot while
they're talking. It's all Jedi mind trick hand waving.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Winged insects must be perplexed by mirrors. It's a
duplicate of the room they're in, with a force field preventing entry.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">So that explains why Putin got eight million votes
in Tennessee.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">New animated movie trailers always tell you to “get
ready” for something. Can't I just watch their movie without preparing ahead of
time?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">You have a moral obligation to not utilize your
voting freedom.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Something's different today....... Oh, wait -- I
forgot to get out of bed.... One minor detail and you're branded all day.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Warren Buffett makes a lot more money than Jimmy
Buffett does, but Jimmy makes more people happy with the money he makes.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Remind me again how I'm supposed to vote, because I
wouldn't be able to figure it out on my own.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Imperfection not only makes art appealing, but makes
it bearable.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">People who say they prefer dry weather should go
live on Mars, because without rain that's what this would be.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Chess is a metaphor for life. You have to think
ahead several moves or your opponent will get you in checkmate.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">The TV ad says “Order today,” and I'm thinking: “Hey,
they're right... I could give them my money right now — I don't have to wait
till tomorrow.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Rusty Southwickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15219593571227897865noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3750031433333592027.post-51899712668837351652016-10-19T19:40:00.002-07:002016-10-19T19:43:39.601-07:00Things to Forget to Clear Up Space in Your Mind<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9pt; line-height: 12.84px;">I've finally reached stasis. Nobody touch me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9pt; line-height: 12.84px;">Potato chip survival strategy: Hold on to other chips in front and behind you. When pulled out of bag, let go and land on floor. Then play dead.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9pt; line-height: 12.84px;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9pt; line-height: 12.84px;">Tip to robbers: Crawl through the doorway following a robbery when you exit a store, that way they'll think you're only about 1 foot tall.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">My earbuds say they're guaranteed to not fall out,
with the disclaimer "as long as you allow one of our customer reps to
surgically implant them."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Things different planets need...<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Mercury: air-conditioning<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Mars: women<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Neptune: cigarettes<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Jupiter: comic books<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Saturn: new coat of paint<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I tried to negotiate a turn, but I was only able to
talk the car down to 45 miles per hour.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9pt; line-height: 12.84px;">If a band uses the harmonica, that's a good sign their songs won't be about the destruction of civilization.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9pt; line-height: 12.84px;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9pt; line-height: 12.84px;">Dexy's Midnight Runners would have been music legends if only they had realized their potential and been like the Beatles.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9pt; line-height: 12.84px;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">You could win $1,000,000. And you could be sucked
into a sinkhole on the way to work. So ask yourself, do I feel lucky... well,
do ya, punk?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">This is Prostate Awareness Month, and I'm just
finding out on the 21st? How could I go that long without being aware of my
prostate?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">My guess is Occam probably never shaved, because growing
a beard would’ve been simpler.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Nobody cares about temperature anymore... it's
always humidity, humidity, humidity.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Linn-Benton Tractor said they're taking care of all
my trailer needs. I didn't even know I had trailer needs.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Facebook notifications I'd like to see: "John
Doe changed one pixel in his profile picture. See if you can figure out which
one."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">There's no need to kill two birds with one stone if
you have seven stones.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Trying to solve a crossword, 11-letter word for
"hindermost proclivity", and the ninth letter is a 'k'.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I forgot to mention the crossword is in Swahili.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">You know we're real close to artificial intelligence
when autocorrect gets the right word 3% of the time. It's like it's reading my
mind.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-f2TI7iE-ED8/WAgtnIBpcGI/AAAAAAAAB8o/jCvtXRZYxr8ufRWPnP14BTWAakFD93FAQCLcB/s1600/starfish.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="250" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-f2TI7iE-ED8/WAgtnIBpcGI/AAAAAAAAB8o/jCvtXRZYxr8ufRWPnP14BTWAakFD93FAQCLcB/s400/starfish.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">The fatalist understands that putting one's ducks in
a row only makes them an easier target.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I have my phone set to masochistic. It warns me if I have the volume down too low.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9pt; line-height: 12.84px;">As the world spirals into oblivion, the universe balances it out with a new Phish album.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">History will look back in bewilderment at the
numerous civilizations wiped out in the Clown Wars.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">The word 'Revolution' is popular in songs only due
to its cadence in four beats. As it turns out, nobody really wanted to revolt.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">The best laid plans of mice and men are doomed to
failure, as mice have an undeveloped prefrontal cortex and men form committees.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9pt; line-height: 12.84px;">There are thousands of car alarms going off all over the world at any given moment. If aliens are trying to come here, we may be scaring them away.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">The two types of people in the world:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">a) those who see it my way<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">b) those who are incapable of compromising<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Mornings are a conspiracy to get me out of bed each
day.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">My pet slug ran away last week. Finally, after
getting three feet away from the front door, he decided to come back.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Whenever a magazine gives 99 tips on something, I'm
thinking "You were that close..."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Caution: That thing you just microwaved for five
minutes to make it hot will be hot.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Dolphins may be highly advanced, but only 4% of them
can parallel park, compared to 7% for humans.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Samsung to donate millions of Galaxy Note 7's to
International Olympic Committee for lighting of the Olympic flame at 2018
Winter Games.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">CNN reports there are ten times more galaxies in the
universe than previously estimated.... um, which is also an estimate.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Bucket list in final week of life: Drive through red
light fifty times while changing facial expression each time for traffic
camera.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Samsung says the Galaxy Note 7 catching fire is a
new feature. "What if you're stranded in the wilderness and you need to
ignite something?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I still don't understand why Jason Bourne was on
Mars. Granted, it's a decent place to hide and all, but it's much more fun when
he has to flee.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Every day we just go through the motions. Tomorrow,
for a change of pace try doing it all telepathically.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Evolution of yapper dogs had they continued in the
wild:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Yap!, yap!, yap!, yap!..... extinct.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">It's always strawberry banana, but never banana
strawberry. Somebody needs a better publicity agent.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">If your doctor owns a copy of Medicine For Dummies,
it could be time to start worrying.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-W5_pGc0OVLk/WAgtmz4Ly2I/AAAAAAAAB8k/UAf2LmmRs9wo7FSUGqCDaGptxKA_oB8lgCEw/s1600/guitar.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="305" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-W5_pGc0OVLk/WAgtmz4Ly2I/AAAAAAAAB8k/UAf2LmmRs9wo7FSUGqCDaGptxKA_oB8lgCEw/s320/guitar.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Great... someone may have stolen the information on
my fake Yahoo e-mail account.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">There's no 'I' in 'me'.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">You can tell if a musician is serious or not by
whether they employ "la-la-la" in their la-la-lyrics.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">They call Facebook social media because
"propaganda psychobabble machine" had too many syllables.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Phish is a cross between a Grateful Dead tribute
band without the drugs and the group that comes in third every year at the
county fair.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Why are we so surprised when politicians lie? That's the only thing they're good at...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">Every time you say "uh" or "um", an angel loses its wings.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Which shoehorned categorization fits your feeble
attempt at describing your personality through a multiple choice quiz? Wow,
that's me....</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">If nothing in the universe had eyes or visual
sensory mechanisms, would color exist?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">So it's vampires, zombies, werewolves, lawn gnomes,
wizards, pirates... and now clowns. Mimes can't be too far around the corner.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Stores have signs saying they card anyone under 30.
But then wouldn't they have to card people in their thirties to see if they're
under 30?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Memo to The Onion: You can quit now—we've caught up
with you.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9pt; line-height: 12.84px;">Apparently someone on my LinkedIn list just added a new skill. I must stop what I'm doing and go find out if they can now swallow fireballs.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9pt; line-height: 12.84px;">Iggy Pop rumored to be taking over Orville Redenbacher franchise.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9pt; line-height: 12.84px;">"Which superhero are you?" None of them--that's why they get all the movie deals and then I watch them on DVD. Very subtle difference there.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">When they say something free is
"complimentary", it means the rest of what they're offering is going
to cost you in gold bullion.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">A book of idioms might also be titled "Headline
Writing For Dummies".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Carpet and furniture fabric patterns camouflage
stains by simulating them. Somewhere in there is a life lesson.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Rusty Southwickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15219593571227897865noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3750031433333592027.post-30345331540525084502016-06-20T20:49:00.001-07:002016-06-20T21:37:34.913-07:00New Exciting Paths For the Synapses<div class="MsoNormal">
One thing they can never take away from you is your
integrity. Also, they can't take away any of your bad personality traits
either.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p><br /></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Yo-yo commercial disclaimer: "All tricks take practice." Just in case you were going to sue them when it didn't work the first time.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Medi-Share says it provides affordable, Biblical healthcare. Thank goodness leprosy is now covered.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Humans are possibly the third most gullible species, behind amoebas and tse tse flies.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was trying to text "Not sure if I'll be at book club tonight," but autocorrect somehow changed it to "I'd rather languish endlessly in a vat of sludge."<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You'd think they would make ovens already preheated.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
They say don't go grocery shopping when hungry, but it should be don't go grocery shopping after winning the lottery or during surgery.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Left to my own devices, I'd probably just have my phone, tablet and laptop.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Any food that begins with the letter 'k' is automatically good for you.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Self-driving cars are merely computers that move. And we all know that nothing ever goes wrong with computers.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I just had an a-ha moment, and it was singing "Take on Me".<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Whoever came up with the phrase "Give credit where credit is due" must've thought of that one real hard.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p> </o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Being a political fact checker is basically the same as
carding a class of kindergartners.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The curious art of competition is deriving a sense of
accomplishment from your opponent's failure, and a delight in their
frustration.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This is what happens when you have too many celebrities.
Thirty years later they start dying off like flies.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Psychology has become an outmoded discipline now that we
have online polls and Facebook profile quizzes.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Makes no sense for either theists or atheists to be
superstitious. You'd have to be a mystic somewhere in between.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The most advanced species on the planet in the middle of the
technology age, and yet we're still incapable of managing adequate parking.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-s9BRSbE_7mM/V2i4XLwppXI/AAAAAAAAB8I/wmsXKIVjjoQ6pltuNqxvFmm_c4mRSjq9gCLcB/s1600/FB_IMG_1451429595703.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-s9BRSbE_7mM/V2i4XLwppXI/AAAAAAAAB8I/wmsXKIVjjoQ6pltuNqxvFmm_c4mRSjq9gCLcB/s400/FB_IMG_1451429595703.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If taking baby steps in one's progress means crawling on
your belly while slobbering and eating lint off the floor, I can do that.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My presidential primary ballot says to use either black or
blue ink, but it also says to blacken the oval completely.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So, when you say "you're dead to me," I'm guessing
that's in a zombie-affectionate sort of way?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div class="MsoNormal">
All the different awareness months are drowning out each others' awareness. They need an awareness bracket and an awareness final four.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<br />
If your city's motto is "Gateway to Better
Cities", you may want to consider moving.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
A new idea for Britain's Got Talent... Bring on an
unassuming performer, have the judges look skeptical, then have the performer
be Fabio.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Hail is always the size of hail.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Plato: "Is it better to be a sad rich person or a happy poor
person?"<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Socrates: "… and the mildly content middle class gets
overlooked once again."<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div class="MsoNormal">
Alien report on humans... "Their ultimate experience would seem to be playing video games where you buy mattresses from Taylor Swift."<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Anomalies are normal.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<br />
To the unprincipled politician, every hypothetical is a
trick question.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I'm going to vote for the lesser of three evils this
election. The first two evils are too creepy.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Capital One keeps asking me what's in my wallet. I store
watermelons in there, if you must know. Probably ten, eleven at a time.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Communication Age: A bygone era when the term
"literally" was misused about 95% of the time.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Everybody's always surprised how old they are.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There's no need to kill two birds with one stone if you have
seven stones.<br />
<br />
Pickup truck commercials give me the impression they think I'm desperately in
search of a Sherman tank.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We think we're free, but the moon's orbit determines how
often we pay our bills and the sun's orbit tells us when we can blow out
candles.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Caught a cockroach and then let it back out into its natural
habitat: New Jersey.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Everything you buy now is risk-free. In former times, there
might've been a money-back guarantee, but you still had to risk.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"Bark like a dog" is most curious... good thing
they clarify, otherwise we might think they're referring to a barking spider or
penguin.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Waffles are just pancakes that somebody made an impression
on.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Quantity over quality, style over substance, personality
over character, appearance over content. Modern societal decay in four
movements.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was expecting Wednesday to come before Tuesday. Other than
that, the week has gone just as I had planned.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Imitation is indeed a high form of flattery, but it's
plagiarism that truly says they wouldn't change a thing.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-IUiOYxAg-fk/V2i4WzE-6nI/AAAAAAAAB8E/fPBMbxXJHpw7S6JB63GId8qqh7rV5JzIQCKgB/s1600/buses.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="354" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-IUiOYxAg-fk/V2i4WzE-6nI/AAAAAAAAB8E/fPBMbxXJHpw7S6JB63GId8qqh7rV5JzIQCKgB/s640/buses.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Who rates the Better Business Bureau?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If only we could get Iran on some HIPAA violation, then we'd
be set.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
A dream not written is only a wish, but who has a pen while
they're asleep?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Weather websites have so much bloatware on them I could be
killed by a monsoon while I'm waiting for the page to load.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So glad everybody's posting houses for sale on Facebook. But
my heart's on the little shack that you won't believe how it looks inside.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I can get all my daily calories from one box of cereal. This
new discovery is going to greatly simplify my life.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Don't settle for the status quo — leave your comfort zone.
On the other hand, appreciate what you have — the grass always seems greener on
the other side.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Fast food drive-up windows have a sign saying no smoking
within 10 feet. What driver are they going to enforce that against?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I like ordering things online just for the fun of tracking
the package.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Leafblowers should be nominated to colonize Mars. It would
be their higher purpose.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Baby steps makes no sense.... babies don't even walk.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In high school I was trying to decide which instrument to
play, and then, Viola!, it came to me.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I support local communities. Those communities that are
somewhere else are just too elusive.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There's no good reason for computers to not accept passwords
when caps lock is on, especially when they already know caps lock is on.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"Operators are standing by" is just a fancy way of
saying they'll answer the phone when you call, a rather profound concept.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The only drawback of technology is that it refreshes every
few months and wipes out everything you had. But other than that, it's great!<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Determinists are curiously never willing to give up any of
their own personal "determinism".<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Leafblower, leafblower, blow me a leaf<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
twig me a twig<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
branch me a branch<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So let's say Occam's Razor is true 80% of the time. That's
still nothing to feel existentially smug about.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Amazon wants to induce consumer panic (order now, only one
copy left) while avoiding utter despair (don't give up, more on the way).<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
A grilled cheese sandwich is just two pieces of toast with
cheese on them.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I end up correcting auto correct about ten times as often as
it corrects my actual mistakes, so the utility of it escapes me.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Can you be a retired flight instructor without ever having
been a flight instructor?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Working on my next motivational book, "Why Money
Doesn't Bring You Happiness But How Getting Rich Is Still The Answer To Your
Dreams."<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When you open a door for someone, you're saving them three
seconds out of their life. You have to do that 28,800 times to save them a day.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The main ingredient in breakfast cereals is goodness — about 90% of the recommended daily alllowance.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Richard Simmons wasn't missing — he just thought he was Leo
Sayer.<o:p></o:p></div>
Rusty Southwickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15219593571227897865noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3750031433333592027.post-6207245072350667752016-03-12T11:08:00.000-08:002016-05-18T18:21:09.613-07:00Misty Watercolor Memories<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">There’s never a suitable snippet to go first. But
somebody’s got to take one for the team.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">"Hope is all we have..." Which itself is
about the most hopeless thought imaginable.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">My doctor asked me to rate my pain, so I consulted
the Russian judge, who gave it a 6.5 on style and an 8.0 for degree of
difficulty.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">It's a good thing The Home Depot's logo lettering is
diagonal, otherwise it wouldn't fit in that square.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">103 years after the invention of the zipper, it
continues to get stuck and separated. We must own up to the sobering reality
that zipper engineering has failed us.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">In the "Where Are They Now" segments,
oddly those people are always older.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Memo to self: Stop sending me memos.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I’m unmotivated because I have low expectations of
other people, and I live by the Golden Rule.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">When Obi-wan spoke of never finding a more wretched
hive of scum and villainy, he could not have anticipated leaf blowers.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">You have a better chance of winning the lottery than
being eaten by a rabid dolphin.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Trying to decide if I want to buy stationery at the
Post Office or pay off my mortgage.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">The Super Bowl halftime show once got the Rolling
Stones thirty years past their prime, and this year it got Coldplay thirty
years past not having one.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Do you ever feel like you're walking backwards? Like
when you're walking backwards?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; margin-left: 1em; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-_qYVMieLJzc/VuRnq14ix7I/AAAAAAAAB7w/uvU7xS9P7T0rxY-UcKvZahCAndUiZt8iQ/s1600/selfie.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="268" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-_qYVMieLJzc/VuRnq14ix7I/AAAAAAAAB7w/uvU7xS9P7T0rxY-UcKvZahCAndUiZt8iQ/s320/selfie.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">(this is not me, but an impersonator trying to look like me)</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9pt; line-height: 107%;">The closest thing to an ‘Unlike’ button is sending a
LinkedIn invitation.</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Do you have time to take a one-question survey?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Answer: No<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Those signs that say "Thank You For Not
Smoking" — how can they tell what I'm doing?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">As I now listen to pieces of classical music, I
realize these were from all the Bugs Bunny episodes.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Why are pharmaceutical companies so obsessed with
telling me about all of my loved ones? Are they trying to hold my emotions
hostage?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Social media is merely a way for the law to get us
to take our own mugshots so they don’t have to.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Boy, do I have egg on my face after not getting the
memo that today was pajama day at work.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Mulling over somehow seems so much more noble than
just garden-variety thinking.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Scientists discover behind Planet Nine another three
planets, as well as Amelia Earhart, Sasquatch, and asteroid belt of socks.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">The size of the known universe is about a
quadrillion quadrillion times as large as our solitary solar system, where we
couldn't find a giant #9 planet over in the corner pocket.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">The fiasco at the Miss Universe pageant never
would've happened if beauty pageants didn't have to add to the tension by
announcing runners-up, or if they just didn’t have beauty pageants.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">On the flipside, Miss Colombia had the privilege of
being Miss Universe for a few seconds that she otherwise never would’ve had.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 12px; line-height: 12.84px;"><br />I'm a minimalist/fatalist... I fear the worst will happen, but only in a very simplified way.</span><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Leaf blowers have no sense of purpose, wandering
aimlessly as if wielding metal detectors while blindfolded in the dark.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">"My name is Inigo Montoya... you literally
killed that word... prepare to die..."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">"Stop SAYING that!!"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I can't decide whether to go on hiatus or take a
sabbatical. Or I wonder if you can go on hiatus in the middle of a
sabbatical...<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Star Wars VII spoiler: They cast Leia.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">You have a better chance of winning the lottery than
26 other people winning it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Sarah Palin's endorsement is nice, but what I really
want to know is who Carrot Top is going to vote for.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Dolphins don't have to-do lists.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">John Ritter doesn't get enough credit for his work
on Three's Company. All right then... that got him the credit he needed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">They always talk about where prices start, but no
one wants to speak of where they end.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">The jokes of my co-workers are so old that it's
almost time for them to be funny again.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9pt; line-height: 12.84px;">You have a better chance of winning the lottery than Jimmy Fallon, only because you can't win Jimmy Fallon.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br />Scientists have just discovered another quasar the
size of 17 galaxies, hiding behind one of the international space stations.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Cake is overrated unless it's birthday cake.
Otherwise, it should be rated just below corn nuts and right above kelp.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">How is it that ham and pork are good for you, but
bacon somehow isn't? Must be a conspiracy just so pigs can save their bacon.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">An online ad for gambling addiction recovery shows a
woman laughing. That must’ve been the before picture.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">You have a better chance of winning the lottery than
getting a nine-iron lodged in your throat.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">How are computer viruses supposed to compete with
the monopoly of Windows updates?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">My car's not working… computer's not working... phone's
not working... I might as well live in 1854.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">The bank handling our mortgage reacted rather contentiously
when I requested to change the draw date from the 5th of the month to the 12th
of never.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Half the trends in the world are declining, the
other half are on the rise, and the media will report that both are alarming.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-P_qwYd8UreA/VuRntHIelpI/AAAAAAAAB70/IKEELG5vrzQO3MCjq4b_iKTLEqiyyHP-Q/s1600/time.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-P_qwYd8UreA/VuRntHIelpI/AAAAAAAAB70/IKEELG5vrzQO3MCjq4b_iKTLEqiyyHP-Q/s1600/time.jpg" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Healing fast from injuries is a skill that only
tough athletes have learned to master.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">They should have a different name for "Double
Bogey", like maybe "a Bergman".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">It's a good thing we have movies, otherwise we
wouldn't know anything about time travel or future technology.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">We used to have to pay dollars for things, but now
with recent modern advances we can pay in bucks, which are much easier.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I got a nice letter from Dell saying they miss me.
Ergo, they miss my money.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">A two-game winning streak is average.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Pure existence has no analogy.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">We act as though we expect all close-range field
goals to be made, but if it were automatic then we wouldn't need to do them.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">The only area in life where things plummet is
economics.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Leaf blowers take away our dignity, and all they
give back is displaced leaves.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Lord, grant me the patience of Jake and Elwood Blues
when they were in the elevator.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Presidential debates need moderators because people
running for president can't be trusted to behave responsibly.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Brevity is the soul of<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">When something is successful 97% of the time, we
still act surprised that the 3% ever occurs.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I ask doctors on a scale of 1 to 10 to rate how
accurate they think their diagnosis is.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">The main purpose of Facebook is to teach us that a
building that looks plain on the outside can still have lots of neat furniture
inside.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">You have a better chance of winning the lottery than
falling off a cliff in Florida.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I have 674 new updates in LinkedIn. I think I may
check them during one of the next Olympics.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I feel like I have the force whenever I swipe my
phone. A phone Jedi is nothing to sneeze at.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Any two nouns in English language should form a
valid compound word, such as...<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">germfocus<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">waxhokum<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">theorycatapult<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">pachydermlint<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">dangerpickle<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">When life gives you lemons, do the merengue.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I was going to reorganize my spice collection but
then I ran out of thyme.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Ever notice that "debt" and
"debit" are so close in spelling?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Whenever Oil Can Henry's tells me my oil is low, I
sense they're ready to slap the back of my hand.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">You have a better chance of winning the lottery than
of being married to Boutros Boutros-Ghali.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Do we have to keep calling people in cars
'motorists'?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Alternate endings to Star Wars VII...<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Rey: You ah my fah-thah, Luke.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Luke: Nooooooo!!!!!!!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Rusty Southwickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15219593571227897865noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3750031433333592027.post-89370193589096449502015-11-27T18:37:00.001-08:002015-11-30T19:24:21.205-08:00It's Not What You Think<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Instant
oatmeal is a misnomer. I have to heat it up first.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">You
never see someone who is sad jumping up in the air when their picture is taken.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
agree to let this app monitor my biorhythms, taste my food, sell my clothes,
and peer into my soul. Accept.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">A
goal not written is only a wish. And genies won't take anything in written
form, which means we’re all basically out of luck.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">I'm
going to write a tell-all book. But first, I need a few volunteers that I can
gossip about.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">If
there were any justice in the world, Mister Rogers would've been an announcer
for monster truck ads.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Words
With Friends congratulates me on reaching a certain amount of points each week,
completely ignoring all of my humanitarian work.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
forgot my phone was still in airplane mode. That would explain why no one has
called or texted me in the last eight months.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">We
should beware of wolves in sheep's clothing, as well as chihuahuas in poodles'
clothing.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">They
always say it's an artist's rendering of how something would look. It's never
an artist’s depiction of someone else's rendering. Can’t someone ever advise
the artist on how they would render it, or are artists the only people who know
how to render?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-a78si73sKuI/VlkPUpJQjXI/AAAAAAAAB7M/9iKZi8ms5Jw/s1600/oops.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-a78si73sKuI/VlkPUpJQjXI/AAAAAAAAB7M/9iKZi8ms5Jw/s400/oops.jpg" width="271" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
like Facebook mainly for the pictures of food, as a survival technique to
remind me that I need to keep eating to stay alive.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Everybody
has good intentions, but the only question is for whom.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">What
if I don't want to agree to disagree?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">If
you just give me money now, I'll skip the sales pitch.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Analogies
are no better than things that aren't like analogies.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Got
"How to Win at Chess" only to find out my opponent had read it. Now
have to get "How to Beat People Who Have Read 'How to Win at Chess'
".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">5-Hour
Energy drink has no sugar and only four calories, making it just as nutritious
as motor oil.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Citing
no other viable candidates, Mitt Romney is rumored ready to pursue his quest
and get back in the ring to fight Holly Holm.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Nobody
likes whiners, though strangely there are some people who like yodelers.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">If
knowledge truly is power, then absolute knowledge corrupts.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">A
tribal bushman from Africa wouldn't know that diagonal striped lines means
don't park here.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Big
shout out to mimes… since they can't.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">When
you go to a website, all the colors are produced from your own computer, not
from the website.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">You
have more freedom in driving if you have brakes.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
never need to call in sick. I just tell them I'll be about 24 hours late.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">You
wouldn't need any roads if you were already where you wanted to be.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Being
Canadian means always having to say you're sorrie.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Pedestrian,
o, pedestrian<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Gallivanting
across<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Nary
the impetus or ambition<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">To
reach the shore<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Drowning
in a sea of traffic<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">::::roadkill::::<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Lightly
salted means they couldn't help themselves although they stopped before they
got too carried away.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">The
strategies of war involve outsmarting the opposition to get them to think
you'll do what you realize they're aware of what you won't do.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">So
when exactly is life not surreal?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Dictators,
telemarketers, leafblowers, morning DJ's. People we wouldn't miss if they conveniently
vanished.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Birth
is your cue to start mingling. Invitations are not needed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Why
are there no philosophers named Jimmy?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Conformists
are annoying because they have to be like everyone else, and nonconformists are
annoying because they have to be different than everyone else.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Inanimate
things do not have birthdays, because a) they weren't born; and b) they can't
blow out candles.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">When
a person asks, "Was it something I said?", say to them, "No,
that would be correctable..."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
bought twelve yogurts at 33 cents apiece. So after figuring in my two overdraft
charges from that day, it comes out to $5.92 per yogurt.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Don't
you hate when you get to the end of a well-constructed, thoughtful and
otherwise promising joke only to find it has no punchline?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-v8oqQafP9iE/VlkQT6UXLBI/AAAAAAAAB7U/kKenw3QJp7c/s1600/ladybug.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-v8oqQafP9iE/VlkQT6UXLBI/AAAAAAAAB7U/kKenw3QJp7c/s320/ladybug.png" width="303" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">People
aren't that good at making sayings. A watched pot does in fact boil. And you
snooze, you actually do win.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">The
newsfeed said skateboarding bulldog dies of heart problems. Couldn't they have
the decency to wait till the next of kin were notified first?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">War
happens when nations run out of other ways to communicate with one another.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">I've
never seen two birds run into each other.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Convince
people it's entertaining to lose their money against high stakes, set up bright
lights, and voila! ...you have an industry.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">People
who speak in lots of acronyms think they're saving time, but all they're doing
is further angering the literary gods.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">If
wars had referees and cheerleaders, TV and advertisers could make a killing.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;"><br />Just an FYI… three capital letters and nothing else.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Life
is not a spectator sport. Everyone's a pro, and everyone's on the field.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">There
are thousands of distinctive smells, but people can only describe a small
percentage of them. Yet we have life's mysteries down solid.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">If
the Pope, Donald Trump and Caitlyn Jenner ever had lunch together, the media
would spontaneously combust.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Panda
Express' motto is: "I'm so sorry about that wait."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">The
etymology of every word ultimately goes back to the same words. Meaning is not
intrinsic to terminology, which is a tautology.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Air
is an addictive substance. Once you start, it's really hard to stop.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">If
you know someone who's afraid to pose a question on their own, is it all right
to do it in their place? Asking for a friend…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
commonly do a few million Web searches for certain words in order to get them
to become more popular in our lexicon.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Don't
my Words With Friends opponents realize I've got better things to do than to
wait around for them to take a break from their lives?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Leafblower
guys wear earplugs, but they don't get any for us.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">A
marathon is tougher on slower runners because they have to run for 3 hours,
while faster runners only have to run for 2 hours.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Fear
is yourself believing a future will take over the present.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Standing
ovations are more impressive than sitting ovations because when you sit that
means you were too lazy to really mean it.</span></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-aW9vrxH5ACU/VlkS2TBtHGI/AAAAAAAAB7g/oDLWmmlR34Y/s1600/tackle2.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-aW9vrxH5ACU/VlkS2TBtHGI/AAAAAAAAB7g/oDLWmmlR34Y/s1600/tackle2.png" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Don't leave me all alone... take me with you!"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">I
always get Willem Dafoe and that other guy mixed up.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Boy
doing a crossword puzzle while getting on the bathroom scale: "Another
word for carcass..."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Father:
"Carrion, my weighward son..."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Pseudo-intellectualism
and intellectualism are competing for samehood.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Direct
Message me to have me send you a thousand dollars telepathically. No strings
attached.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">When
people say we're "beginning to understand" something, it basically
means we still don't understand it and we have no idea how close we are.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Just
another manic Monday... Wish it was Friday instead of Sunday... Then the next
day wouldn't be manic Monday...<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Those
car alarms you hear going off all the time are the sound of modern technology,
symbolizing our progress.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Rand
Paul's campaign slogan is "Stand with Rand." But still not as good as
"Sit with Mitt."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">In
art, if you mess up your painting, that's why they invented abstract.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Psst...
that incredible stash of candy that you get all excited about every Halloween
is available any time of the year for about $15.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Interviewer
to player on losing team: "What kind of character does this team
have?" Player: "We have none. We always give up. We don't know how to
win."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">What
if the word "entrepreneur" were something less elegant, like maybe
"hemlock", or "bobo"? It might not have quite the same
appeal.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">The
good thing about a creative mind is it's encrypted so nobody can hack it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Sharks
are harmless creatures. They only want to eat you because they think you're a
giant candy bar.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Don't
correct people when they say something wrong — only correct them if they're
correcting someone else.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
want to warn people approaching one another on a blind sidewalk corner, yet I
also appreciate the fertile suspense such situations bring.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">An
auction is an attempt to get people to pay more than someone else is willing to
pay.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Advancing
technology means increasingly not being able to figure out how to operate what
you own.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">People
who eat cookies before noon would probably shoot their dog if it were
convenient.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">The
checkout clerks in grocery stores asking if you found everything all right need
to be out in the aisles where all the action is.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">The
best way to confound your opponent in a competition is to randomly alter
strategies so that even you don't know the pattern.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Pharmaceutical
corporations fully support medical marijuana because it gives people more incentive
to be sick.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">The
last generation that wasn’t freaked out by clowns has just entered retirement.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Rusty Southwickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15219593571227897865noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3750031433333592027.post-1117227478715345312015-09-07T09:37:00.004-07:002015-09-07T09:38:59.372-07:00The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Redundancy<div class="MsoNormal">
Ice cream is a Marxist plot to ensure the bulk of grocery
shopping is done within a 15-minute radius of everyone's homes.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Waterfall photos are airbrushed so we'll think the waterfalls are thin.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"And they came with their mattresses, saying 'Buy our mattresses,' but others said 'No, buy ours.' And tumult reigned throughout the land."<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My skin is really sensitive. Every time I shave, it gets its feelings hurt.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Apologize even when you weren't wrong, because there's nothing better for a relationship than patronizing one another with fake feelings.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
All fiction is contrived in the abstract except to the
extent that it realistically portrays non-fiction. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My subconscious thinks I can find power tools in the refrigerator, so don't see why I should rely on it to reveal the mysteries of the universe.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I always feel like somebody's looking over my shoulder......
oh, it's me.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Recall alert: General Electric says it remembers making toasters back in the '90s.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Is anybody here a consultant? It doesn't matter what kind, I
just need more consultants in my life.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
How does American Ninja Warrior always know when it can
safely go to a commercial while the next few contestants fall in the water?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It doesn't feel like Friday today. For some reason, it feels
more like two days after a Russian holiday.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When all else fails, give up. All else has already failed.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Our back yard was voted "most wildlife-like" by
the neighborhood animals.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I've got anxiety disorder after listening to radio ads say
all day long "What are you waiting for?" And I still have no clue
what I'm waiting for.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My suspicions confirmed that the blueberry is nothing more
than a cleverly disguised undercover grape.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-_9CGw9_6XCk/Ve26aFqIv6I/AAAAAAAAB6g/hpw3NPWYZxE/s1600/cloudtree.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-_9CGw9_6XCk/Ve26aFqIv6I/AAAAAAAAB6g/hpw3NPWYZxE/s400/cloudtree.png" width="391" /></a></div>
It's September already? It still seems like last September.<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Idea: Bear Grylls as game show host, where all the
contestants are wild animals. Please donate $20 to help me get this
kickstarted.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Had Captain & Tennille instead gone by "Captain or
Tennille", they could've just kept that name when Toni went to her solo
career.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Individuals became overly impressed with themselves once
they started manipulating powerful machines and directing vehicles at high
speeds.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I feel sorry for regular salt now ever since it was just discovered this century that you can also get salt from the sea. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My pedometer tells me that shaking it all day is just as
healthy as walking.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
People think circular logic suits them well since it keeps
conveniently bringing them back to their premise.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There are no secrets to life. Everybody's just winging it.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Your eyes do not see. Your brain sees through your eyes, but
there are other mechanisms for your brain to see through as well.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My doctor gave me 46 more years to live, so I'm going to live each day like I have only 16,829 left.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The presumed symmetry or equilibrium we experience is simply
two arbitrary models temporarily coinciding.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
One reason scientists are the ones who discover things is
that everybody else at work during the day.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Me: "Thank you. I think that takes care of
everything."<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Cust. Service: "Anything else I can help you
with?"<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Me: "Not since 5 seconds ago."<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
People say that a certain video is definitely worth the
time. Will they also decide which purchases are worth my money or behaviors
worth my integrity?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This is for when I'm too busy to write something later.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Yard sale people will never rule the world because they're
incapable of making signs large enough for anyone to read.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I think I may have hallucinated driving late at night on our
return trip home, though it made it more fun and helped me stay awake.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There are no exact sciences, except those in the abstract,
which are imaginary. Our built-in margin of error is already at its minimum.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Saying "I could care less" is actually proper if
one is being facetious. So knock it off, renegade comedy grammar police.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My mind was hacked yesterday, so now I have to come up with
a new password.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If you're reading this, I predict you're a homo sapien born
between 1870 and 2010. Either that, or a very tech-savvy dolphin.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Spoiler alert: There won't be a Wednesday this week,
something to do with a hiccup in Earth's rotation. Should only affect
subspecies.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-bj_VgokCZQ8/Ve26aFll8dI/AAAAAAAAB6w/V1irTz1-VrM/s1600/humancage.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="476" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-bj_VgokCZQ8/Ve26aFll8dI/AAAAAAAAB6w/V1irTz1-VrM/s640/humancage.png" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Who ordered take-out?"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Geometric shapes are mankind's way of imagining size, space
and dimension, which we then unsuccessfully attempt to assign to the real
world.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Postmodern Elizabethan Barrett...<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"How dost thou complete me?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Allow me to enumerate...."<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Always remember, forgetting is something you can't remember,
so don't forget it.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The incessant hum bagpipes give off is an effective
application of coerced neurosis.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If the store bananas are green, they'll be ready to eat in 2
days, but by then I won't be hungry and/or the world will have come to an end. Decisions, decisions...<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I had a dream that everybody on Twitter was certifiably
insane. And then I went to sleep.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This just in... oh, wait, it went back out again. Oh well,
we'll wait for it to come back in.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I eat all my meals 24 hours late.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We're 20+ years into the Internet age and we still can't
text over 160 characters, tweet over 140, or e-mail over 48,563,279,308.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Bumpers should be detachable, rubber, and worth about $100, then they wouldn't involve auto insurance. But instead, we like our cars pretty.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The aphorism about "pick your poison" is a false
dilemma because if you have two bad choices you can wait until one gets picked
for you.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If a discussion about artificial intelligence doesn't
address matters of consciousness, then it's an artificial artificial
intelligence.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It's hard not to coast when you can see the finish line and
expending any effort would produce only a marginally different outcome.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Today is your best day because you don't have any other day.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
How is Spider-Man supposed to eat if his mouth is covered
up? Not very realistic.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The breakthrough discovery of the current music culture
expertly utilized is that every word rhymes with itself.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
AccuWeather's RealFeel presumes everyone feels temperature
the same. It appears we now need sleep numbers for our weather too.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I need at least fifty more mattress choices before I can
adequately make a decision on one that's perfect for me and will change my
life.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It may seem all glamorous, but living paycheck to bank heist
isn't quite what it's cracked up to be.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I'd like to raise awareness in general, nothing specific.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-m2JsUhno4P0/Ve26Z8VWTbI/AAAAAAAAB6o/v5w9c2U_Gxg/s1600/billboard.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="475" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-m2JsUhno4P0/Ve26Z8VWTbI/AAAAAAAAB6o/v5w9c2U_Gxg/s640/billboard.png" width="640" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If the next big thing is already here, then I'd rather have
the thing after that which hasn't come yet, because I know it'll be even
better.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Retailers must get a special commission whenever you buy all
the S'mores ingredients at once.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My phone battery is down to 7%, which in technology lingo
means I'm melting.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Why is it that the things falling off a slice of pizza are
always the best part? I wonder if they’re trying to escape.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The great white shark has a good publicity agent, as did
Alexander and Gatsby.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Nothing anyone owned before passing from this life still
belongs to them. Whatever we own now is no more than borrowing from a library.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You scratch my back, and I let you scratch my back. Because
symbiosis is too complicated.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Knocked off three items from my to-do list, and it doesn't
even faze me that another sixteen were added while I was doing them.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The best laid plans... if you have kids, you can throw all
that out the window.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Smoke alarms are a conspiracy to get us to buy 9-volt
batteries.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The Facebook Messenger app has been downloaded by over a
billion people. This means about a thousand of those people are dying each
hour, so be careful who you message.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Political record skipping…<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
1992 - Tired of politicians, will elect outsider<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
1996 - Tired of politicians, will elect outsider<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
2000 - Tired of politicians, will elect outsider<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
2004 - Tired of politicians, will elect outsider<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
2008 - Tired of politicians, will elect outsider<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
2012 - Tired of politicians, will elect outsider<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
2016 - Still tired of politicians, plan to elect an outsider but won't</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Every question I ask comes with "asking for a
friend" per my attorney. I'm also an attorney, and for some reason this
confuses the witnesses.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Instead of getting breadsticks with my pizza, I just order
extra crust.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It turns out every drink has a bouquet, including kool-aid
and seltzer (together or apart).<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Anything remotely associated with fruit or fruit flavors is
thereby considered nutritious, up to and including the spelling of 'Froot'.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Polls reveal to us what people think regarding topics the
pollsters pigeonholed them into.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I accidentally came across this website called StumbleUpon.
But then they won't let me stay there, so not sure what that's about.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Web pages are nature's way of getting as much advertising to
us as is humanly possible.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
No, I'm not excited with anticipation. This is always how I
am when there's an impending moment that will freeze your life in its tracks.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It's amazing how different colors can affect your mood.
Chartreuse makes me giddy, while burnt sienna gives me the urge to invade
Portugal.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The underscore (_) is a blatant conspiracy to hide
characters in hyperlinks, and to make people say the word
"underscore."<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I can be a patient person when I need to be. I can always
eat next week.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Knowledge is merely information, while awareness is knowing
what to do with the information.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Looking at travel ads, every state in the U.S. is somehow a
veritable paradise where one can commune with nature without limitations.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If you tabbed through all the cells in an Excel worksheet at
the rate of six taps per second, it would take 90 years to finish.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
You can encapsulate any profound concept within 140
characters, and still have some left over for exclamation points and emojis.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Name change suggestions for the word 'Internet':
blàh-blah-blah, cybertruth tiger, vermouth, heliotrope, Buddy Lembeck, van
occupanther.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"There's no such thing as ______" is only
according to that perspective and experience. Negative absolutes don't make
themselves known.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Allowing one's follicles to grow is not a special ability.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If you are not the intended recipient of this message,
please forward it to whoever I intended it to go to, and then pay me for any
damages.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Never open a book, because as soon as you do, its resale
value goes down 50%.<o:p></o:p></div>
Rusty Southwickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15219593571227897865noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3750031433333592027.post-62672071406524861702015-07-18T13:47:00.002-07:002015-07-28T18:00:13.577-07:00Cogitating Whilst Hanging From the Balcony<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Every
English writer continually presses the same 26 keys on their keyboards. No
wonder all these books look the same.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">People
spend so much time talking about what happened yesterday that they won't have
anything to talk about tomorrow.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Don't
place limitations on yourself. Place them on others so you can leapfrog ahead
of them.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Panda
Express neither sells panda meat nor is fast.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">A
journey of a thousand miles starts with someone pacing through the house
saying, "I just know I forgot something…"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">People
ask how my summer is going. Why do I have to have a summer? I'm just living.
Don't complicate things for me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Truly,
we'll take your word for it on those ‘before’ pictures if you’d just show us
the ‘after’ pictures.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">The
only reason I write is so I can find out what I'm thinking.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Rules
of the Road, #5297: If you can't see the driver's head above the seat in the
car in front of you, it's an omen you'll be going slow for awhile.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
stole my own identity. Now nobody knows which one is really me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Some
days I don't have time to go walking, so I lend my pedometer to a friend so
they can walk for me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Cats
will never be able to take over the world, because their response to gunfire on
the battlefield would be "run out into the gunfire!"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">My
To-Do list said it's willing to settle out of court.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">My
phone knows the birthdays of all my contacts. What my phone doesn't know is
that I don't want to know the birthdays of all my contacts.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">When
you win a game on a missed shot by the other team, aren't you really
celebrating that they're not good enough to beat you?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Work
is a verb. Yeah, and so is anthropomorphize.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;"><br />My brain says "more sugar," but my will power says "OK, more sugar."</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Round-Up
is guaranteed to get rid of weeds until they come back.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">I'm
worried when people online are offering to help me improve myself. Why do they already
assume there’s something wrong with me?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Some
things can be both sad and funny at the same time, like a chihuahua with
bronchitis.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">There's
no 'Z' in 'cooperation'.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">If
you never wash your car, it only gets dirty once.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">The
only things keeping toddlers from taking over the world are timeouts and not
being able to reach the doorknob.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Baking
cookies for someone is mankind's most cordial way of furthering one’s own ulterior
motives.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">If
you believe in determinism, can I have your free will that you're not using?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Is
there any reason not to just take a Cold-Eeze every four hours for the rest of
your life?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">"It's
been 38 seconds since my last bite…" (applause, along with the
unapologetic sound of wrappers) —Chocoholics Meeting of the Realists<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
like using the shopping carts that are kiddie cars, and then I go through the
store picking up hitchhikers.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-yBGbOKPHiz8/Vaq4eeTj7mI/AAAAAAAAB5o/UArcFNfKuZE/s1600/animals.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="273" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-yBGbOKPHiz8/Vaq4eeTj7mI/AAAAAAAAB5o/UArcFNfKuZE/s320/animals.png" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">The
way to tell if the media is being truthful or not is to flip a coin — if it's
heads or tails, they're lying.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">If
I could have one superpower, it would be to make everyone in the world stop
fantasizing about superpowers.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">The
Bee Gees don't get enough credit. They need Stephen Hawking and Dalai Lama to
give them more credit.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">I'm
a fan of anybody who's ever been in a movie, because it's not easy pretending
to be real.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">"Right
lane must turn right" is inaccurate and needs an ‘Else’ clause. Else it
will go straight. Else you will end up on the curb. Else you will be severely
penalized and ridiculed and live out your days in complete solitude. Likewise,
the lane itself doesn't turn at all, rather the cars do.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">My
fiendish plot to turn all my life coaches against each other could be the break
I've been looking for to escape.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Every
medication curiously has both a real name and a name it would go by in an
endless wonderland of dancing and daffodils.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Knowledge
is mankind's way of feeling good about not knowing anything.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Turns
out my right foot is a quarter-inch shorter than my left foot. And all this
time I thought I was putting my best foot forward.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
got a fortune cookie but couldn't bear to read the fortune. I don't need all
that pressure.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Have
yourself… a Hari little Krishna…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Best
way to find a job: Randomly send invitations to 1000 people on LinkedIn. One of
them will surely mistake you for someone else and hire you.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Could
never sink to the level of doing livestock judging. The swimsuit competition is
just too exploitative.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Editor's
note: This sentence contains crude humor, which may be unsuitable for some life
coaches.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
save receipts for everything. Thinking of returning the Quarter Pounder to
McDonald's from last year since they left out the pickle.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
never judge a book by its cover, but rather by its paper grade, font style, and
ratio of adverbs to semicolons.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
would like to create a civilization just to observe them trying to parallel
park.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Why
won't anybody sell me anything? I want to buy stuff! Money is falling out of my
pockets as we speak. Yoo-hoo, online marketers…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Next
big movie blockbuster of the summer… Spiderman: Unhyphenated.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Once
a password is typed, the computer should recognize I've already put in the
correct password without further requiring me to press Enter or click a button.
What is it — Regis Philbin? Taunting me, waiting to see if I’ll change my mind?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Living
one day at a time is overkill. We can't even live one second at a time.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Ads
say if you or a loved one have experienced adverse symptoms, you may be
entitled to compensation. Apparently your enemies are out of luck.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">In
case anyone's interested, I've successfully domesticated my inner beast. Outer
beast still holding out.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">My
phone warns me if I'm attempting to play music above a certain safe level. Hey,
phone, leave me and my death wish alone, will ya?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">It
would take about twenty days to count off the pixels on your computer monitor 1
second at a time.</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-JOfy_wJMF-0/VarOKSiW8EI/AAAAAAAAB58/ZiDzFaZ-w5Q/s1600/sanddrawing2.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-JOfy_wJMF-0/VarOKSiW8EI/AAAAAAAAB58/ZiDzFaZ-w5Q/s1600/sanddrawing2.png" /></a></div>
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">In
the end, the measure of a civilization has got to be how many of its artifacts
it can secure in museums.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Red
light means stop, green light means go, and yellow light means go faster.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Quick
reply alternatives to "How's it going?" other than "good":
“My life's a complete shambles and everyone is dead to me. How are you?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Let's
compare problems so we can reinforce who warrants the most pity and is more
justified in their negative pathology.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Working
on a revolutionary nature documentary called "The Revenge of Predator
Rabbits — Put That in Your Easter Basket."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">The
ideas that appeal most to people are their own.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Professional
athletes often say after losing that they just didn't do the things they were
capable of. So then what the heck are we paying them for?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">There's a point of diminishing returns where an excessive amount of smart turns into dumb.<br /><br /><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">So
if a pilot knows the airplane is about to crash, the thinking is to not panic
the passengers because… why?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Public
opinion polls merely reveal to us what our illusory perceptions are.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Facebook
says my soulmate is Rumplestiltskin. Is that bad? I mean for Rumplestiltskin.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">If
I had a time machine, I'd go back to 1873 and meet people who weren't famous.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Raisins
are nature's way of saying, "Hey, whadda ya want from me??"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Why
are automated phone voices almost always the grandmother persona? A 35-year-old
male Jersey steel worker would carry so much more charm.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Pain
is felt nowhere in your body but your brain. When you hit your thumb with a
hammer, the pain is not in your thumb.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Which
is more severe… acrimonious or apoplectic? Asking for a friend who is
acrimonious.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Don't
quote me on this, but "______________________".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">We're
having a yard sale today, but so far no one seems interested in buying it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">No
one ever said life would be easy. Except Phil Bodenheim of Schenectady, New
York, on June 17, 1968.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">The
problem with knowledge is those lacking the recognition that they don't possess
it have no way of verifying that condition.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">The
radio ad said to indulge in their weekend getaway, but that restrictions apply.
Even indulging has restrictions!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Samuel
L. Jackson. The L stands for "loud".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">The
ALS bucket challenge likely saved 11 lives, and killed 14 people with buckets.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Dentists
realize that checkup reminders from the dentist create psychosomatic symptoms
of tooth pain, prompting the need to set up an appointment.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Verizon
says I can get more value if I give them 20 more dollars each month. This value
word, I don't think it means what they think it does. How about if I give them
the value and they give me the 20 dollars?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-vwmcO4cWFEI/Vaq4eokWoLI/AAAAAAAAB5g/xLEGpoar2_k/s1600/waitwalk2.gif" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-vwmcO4cWFEI/Vaq4eokWoLI/AAAAAAAAB5g/xLEGpoar2_k/s1600/waitwalk2.gif" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">The
only useful calendar is a blank one.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Why
do people say "Bye now"? You already know they're referring to now.
Besides, they’ll never say "Bye later", so what's to confuse it with?
“Bye some other unspecified time period.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">A
cereal's ingredients are irrelevant. It just needs to be crunchy. And
preferably have "Crunch" somewhere in the name.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Technically,
every material object is disposable.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Some
people advertise everything that happens to them. They're kind of like verbal
junk mail.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">If
wine tasters can taste wine better than regular wine drinkers, who exactly are
they tasting for?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
was going to say something else, but I guess I just did.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">I'd
like to thank all the smokers for sharing their generic incense with us at no
cost.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">My
daily mantra: Floss like nobody's watching.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">The
ongoing linguistic struggle between regular citizens never referring to cars as
automobiles, versus manufacturers who persist in being obtusely formal.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Now
that computer mice are going exclusively to the wireless kind, therefore having
no tails, can we go back to just calling them turtle shells?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Do
you ever pick something up and put it in your mouth thinking it's something
else? That happens to me a lot with cotton balls.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
want to opt out of my Facebook friends' birthday notifications. I only want
friends who don't have birthdays.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">People
commonly fold their arms because they don't know where else to put them and
they don't detach that easily.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Quick
reply alternatives to "How's it going?" other than "good":
“Couldn't be better, because I'm stuck in this rut and I'll never be better.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">My
company has a 97% satisfaction guarantee. We like to keep the other 3%
interesting.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Cars
were invented by law enforcement because they couldn't give horses speeding
tickets.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Internet
Explorer commands the market share of "people who don't know how to
install another browser."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Rusty Southwickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15219593571227897865noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3750031433333592027.post-35146738718268746062015-04-08T21:07:00.003-07:002015-08-10T19:20:01.946-07:00Name This Blogpost Before Kanye West Does<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Every
time I see someone on their laptop or tablet, I borrow it to Google myself,
just to make Google think I'm famous.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">When someone says, "I've never seen anything like that in my life," clarify whether they've seen it in anyone else's life, just in case.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">While
I was driving I negotiated a turn, and they talked me down to 23 miles an hour.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Once
you have truly learned something it becomes natural, just like falling off a
bicycle.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
have the world's most secure password. It's comprised only of characters that I
created myself, and it takes three months to type.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">My
online chess partner just played again after twelve years. It would appear I'm
going to have to re-think my strategy now.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">I’m
a little disappointed Harper Lee doesn't seem to be fully invested in her
second novel project: “To Kill a Few Hours at the Mall”.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">A
panorama photo is just a regular photo with the top and bottom chopped off.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Give
a man a fish, and you feed him for one day. But give a fish a man, and they can
make it last about two weeks.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">They're
making the dictionary into a movie. The only action is in the introduction when
Noah Webster eats the rock monsters.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Your
call is very important to us. That's why we're using a hackneyed greeting card
phrase to describe our most heartfelt sentiments.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Why
is it that motivational speakers tell us money doesn't bring happiness, then
also offer us twenty proven tips for how to become rich?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">Monday is always the hardest morning of the week to wake up, followed by a tie for first with all the other days.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">In
a hundred years, our life spans will be over 120 years. The trick is to make it
that far so you can live that long.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
don't agree with what you're saying, but I'll defend to the death your right to
tell me I'm right.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">The controversial decision by UPS to outsource most of its drivers to India has backfired, official sources say.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">Conformist laws of writing: When trying to be verbose, use as few words as possible.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Car
commercials state that their driving is on a closed course, warning us:
"do not attempt". Attempt what? Driving in circles on the interstate?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">In
a parallel universe somewhere, there is a Kanye Awards Show.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">What
if I don't want to agree to disagree? Have you ever considered that I just
might want to disagree to that too?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Beware
the Ides of March, especially when they sneak up on you in July.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-bJMZPCcDajE/VSX46KCiCmI/AAAAAAAAB4k/Xmx-YfaU3wY/s1600/signs02.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="292" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-bJMZPCcDajE/VSX46KCiCmI/AAAAAAAAB4k/Xmx-YfaU3wY/s1600/signs02.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">I
wish these people in the waiting room would quit coughing. Can you use a
tourniquet to treat a cough?</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Selfie
sticks don't work. Now they tell me I have to buy a phone too.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
can't get Paloma Blanca out of my head, and now it's also infiltrated my
sacroiliac.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Lawn
gnomes are funny only to those who don't know any in real life.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Why
do villains always seem to be selfish, bitter and mean? Why can't we have a
villain who is thoughtful, grateful and kind?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">The
NFL has discovered all footballs since 2003 have been underinflated, so every
game since then will be played over.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
ate an orange today that was labeled "80% fruit juice".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Facebook
is nothing more than a temptress, who, once you 'Like' something, then tries to
goad you back into unliking what you just liked.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">There
are no reputable people named Mikey.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
wish people would stop picking on Brian Williams. Misremembering things in
exquisite detail isn't an easy task.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">If
you take a selfie in the mirror that shows the camera, you should be
expeditiously exiled back into the Pre-Cambrian Era.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">In
its attempts to understand and define, humanity fools itself with precision.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">90% of life is just showing up. The other 10% is taking naps.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">If you like folding your arms a lot, you too can be a business executive.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">We
spend more time on time-saving measures than on the time they save.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Rene
Russo. Cab Calloway. Fred Willard. Jimmy Carter. Prince William. Grace Helbig.
People who are not Kevin Bacon.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
don't know how to react to an announcement that a famous person I've never
heard of has died. I didn't even have time to miss them.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Tedium
and drudgery temper and therefore work in synergy with enjoyment to help slow
down the timeline for us to better absorb enjoyment.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Quick,
Iranians, this is your chance while Brian Williams is powerless.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">I'm
having a near-death, out of body, sepia-toned deja vu experience in slow motion.
It's been going on for over thirty years.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">The
object of LinkedIn is that if you can figure it out, you get a job.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Don't
wait for your rainy day — make it rain today.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">If
so many people know what the key to happiness is, why do more of them keep
discovering the real new answer?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Life
insurance ads say you can "rest in peace", which only means they don’t
want to appeal to the atheist market.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">People
assume hypocrites aren't sincere, but in reality everyone's a hypocrite, so
it's difficult to tell which are truly insincere.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">If
you can anticipate impending disaster, it helps cushion the blow somewhat
before you're completely annihilated.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Things
to remember to say when ordering at the drive-thru... "Would it kill you
to make it hot?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Some
things aren't very funny. Like dryer sheets, for example.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Not
only is infinity incomprehensible to everyone, but it surpasses the collective
imaginations of an infinite number of minds.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Before
good customer service can happen, something first has to go wrong.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Life
is already a bucket list.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">The
news story said "according to sources". When exactly would it not be
according to sources?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Every
major freeway in history has been under perpetual construction. How am I
supposed to be able to relax knowing such things?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Vladimir
Putin. Gwenyth Paltrow. Billy Joel. Donald Trump. People other than Kevin Bacon
with 5-letter last names or industrial complexes.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">It
takes six months to get used to daylight saving time.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">If
scouts leave campsites better than they found them, in a few thousand years
every campsite in the world will end up being the Taj Mahal.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">When
life gives you lemons, hey, maybe I like lemons.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Yesterday's
tomorrow is now, and tomorrow's yesterday is now. We're living in the past and
the future, and it's all now.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Life
is now risk-free. If you're unsatisfied for any reason, you can give it back
for a full refund, including shipping.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">The
difference between a bad day and a good day is often only one day. And then
sometimes it's a few thousand days…</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-wyb6yVSaV1Y/VSX48RX2ywI/AAAAAAAAB4s/6CsTLM8Ivmw/s1600/horsey.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="408" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-wyb6yVSaV1Y/VSX48RX2ywI/AAAAAAAAB4s/6CsTLM8Ivmw/s1600/horsey.png" width="640" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">The
chocolate on the edge of my mouth was left there intentionally in case I need
some of it later.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Somewhere
in the world, there's a person whose favorite band is Margot & the Nuclear
So and So's.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">When
a product makes the claim of being "revolutionary," that simply means
it's no different from all the other revolutionary products.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">We
think of ourselves as men or women more than we think of ourselves as living
beings.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">The
bulk of what people say is balderdash. And the rest is folderol.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">The
ultimate aim of the news is to bring you to your knees begging for mercy while
simultaneously asking for more, more, more.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">The
best cure for worrying is apathy. The best cure for apathy is more apathy.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">The
people who conclude that money can't buy happiness are the ones who were
willing to carry out the experiment as a public service.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Dimensions
are a concept we created to account for our perception. No model demands their
existence, yet we find comfort in the assumption.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Wallowing
in self-pity gets old after awhile, so you need to mix in a healthy dose of
pity from external sources as well.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Does
anybody really know what that song by Chicago is called, and even more
importantly, does anybody really care?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">In
37 states it's illegal to make carrot cake without orange frosting on it
depicting a carrot and green frosting depicting the leaves.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Will
be spending the next few months on a government grant studying the contrasting
etymologies of "yikes" and "yipes".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">The
"damage" Brian Williams did at NBC was to raise too much awareness of
media corruption.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Enormity
of the universe and quantity of stars doesn't make a human being less relevant.
Intrinsic value transcends any form of calibration.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
make sense. You don't make sense. Therefore, one of us named "you"
isn't making sense.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Dyschocohaulia — Fear of having trick-or-treaters ring your doorbell when you're out of candy.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">If
you save 25 cents a week, in 10 years that's $130, which you could've used to
buy things you'd enjoy instead of hanging onto money.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Will
happily give my full allegiance to the Internet if it can produce a vintage
circa 1950s photo of Burt Bacharach playing baccarat.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Daryl
Dragon doesn't get quite enough notoriety in the world of musicians, but then
again, he's the one who chose to wear that Captain's hat.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
should have known better than to go to the store on National Stand In Your Way
Day.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Participating
in athletics helps prepare youth for conflict resolution in other future
endeavors, like adult softball.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Everyone
at work is coughing today. I give them six minutes to live if they don't die by
natural causes first.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">There
aren't any sharks who are aware when it's their week. We're wasting a full
seven days on something that doesn't even appreciate our efforts.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Some
so steeped in culture they'll be gushing over Broadway reviews even as the
embers of civilization are being extinguished around them.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">We
made newly-developed self-parking cars to compensate for our individual
newly-developed ineptness.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
seem to be nesting today, which can mean only one thing: tomorrow I molt.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">People
need to get along with those who want to fight them, unless these people are the ones
who want to fight, then the others need to get along.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">If
you hope to be as the gods, their altar is the one where you must kneel.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">People
think life is a mystery because they don't understand what they know, as if
knowledge had to have explanations.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Donald
Trump won't accept my LinkedIn request. I know he's on there, because everybody
who likes money is on there.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Disney
resorts says: "Get the 4th night free when you stay a minimum of 4
nights.” So you don’t get the 4th night free if you only stay two nights?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">We
operate under the illusion that the passage of time necessarily represents
progress, that humankind is de facto learning its lesson.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">The
pragmatic logician is fairly certain that he is mostly certain, based on his
high level of confidence, which comes from his certainty.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">My
car has dirt on it. I can't fathom this troubling development, for I'm sure I
washed it last year.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">God gave us alphabets so we could spend countless hours playing games with arbitrary symbols and getting our kicks rearranging them.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">He
would lose an argument to a houseplant even before the houseplant had said
anything.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">When
in doubt, use Latin to impress, for nobody who doesn't know what they're
talking about would ever toy with such an elusive lexicon.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
believe!! I believe!! Sell me a mattress and transform my way of life....<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">If
an audiobook counts as reading, then closing your eyes with the TV on does too.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">When
do people have the time to play games on Facebook? I barely even have time to
ignore their requests.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">My
doctor prescribed placebos. Or maybe it was Tic-Tacs. And it could've been the
lady in the cereal aisle — the signature was hard to read.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">If
I ever learn to moonwalk, cut my legs off.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Do
the universes where parallel universes exist also have parallel universes of
those universes? Science just wants to sell headache pills.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">I'll
bet Flo the Progressive Lady even gets on her own nerves.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS",sans-serif; font-size: 9.0pt;">Microorganisms
are only allowing our species to live because we're a viable host for crumbs
which sustain many of their civilizations.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Rusty Southwickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15219593571227897865noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3750031433333592027.post-30581683136916669172015-01-03T16:56:00.000-08:002015-08-10T19:20:01.941-07:00A Blog is Worth 1,739 Words<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">We've transitioned nicely
from the Information Age into the Too Much Information Age.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">Minimum security prisons
are practically advertising for inmates to try to escape.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">Just when you think you've
seen everything, a space alien in pajamas bakes a spinach ricotta soufflé out
on your veranda while yodeling.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">Don't cry over spilt milk,
unless it's your party then you can cry if you want to.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">I may be one of the few
people who one time listened to albums by Motorhead and the Bee Gees in
succession. The Bee Gees have better voices, just an FYI.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">I've got some unused time
left on the car vacuum machine if anybody can get here in the next thirty
seconds.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">That awkward moment when
you say "hi" to someone, and they say something back.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">I killed all the flies in
the house, which made me lord over them. But now unfortunately all my
constituents are dead.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">I have no umph today. The
umph store was closed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">Taking a mental note of
something is about as good as an Etch-a-Sketch in a paint shaker.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">The fluorescent orange
Moldavian army of 1856 was never very good at camouflage.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">I almost killed a popcorn
kernel with my fly swatter. But apparently I wasn't fast enough.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">Anything preceded by
"they say" just means nobody wanted to take responsibility for it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">I wonder how squirrel
families are able to stay focused.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;"><br />My fantasy high heel
Olympic 100m hurdles team is off to a very promising start this season. More
than 20% of the team isn't in traction.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">When you get to the end
and they ask whether you embraced life, don't have to tell them you wore flip
flops.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">Just my luck I got hit by
an asteroid on a day when there’s a 3-hour wait at the ER.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">One tiny decision impacted
my entire day. I couldn’t get out of the passing lane, and now I'm in Argentina.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">They may call it the great
white shark, but to its wife it's just a shark.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">Late night TV commercials
alternate between those for new medications that "may be right for
you" and then others for class action lawsuits against previous
medications that “weren’t right for you”.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">I need some Kickstarter
money to help me think of a project.<br /></span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Tx6F31JtZwU/VKiO019MG3I/AAAAAAAAB34/xoqjZlT1wLA/s1600/chessboxing.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Tx6F31JtZwU/VKiO019MG3I/AAAAAAAAB34/xoqjZlT1wLA/s1600/chessboxing.png" height="280" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">Technology is that thing
we invented so whenever we go to public events they can tell us, "Hey,
everybody turn off your technology."</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">An Allstate agent informed
me they're now offering Accident Absolution as long as you use penance oil.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">What to do when your
instinct tells you to go against your instinct... I run into this conundrum
every moment of my life.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">Animals wouldn't attack us
if we understood them better. Bears are just trying to give us a deep tissue
massage with their claws, for example.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">There are three types of
people, according to the door choices in fast food restaurants: Men, Women, and
Employees.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">Took a Rorschach test and
answered "inkblot" on every question.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">Never give up. Even after
you lose, continue under the delusion that you still have a chance.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">Please be green — be
envious of this sentence unless you absolutely don't have to.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">After being told that only
traveling forward in time is possible, I sent everyone in the world ahead ten
years, and then I stayed back.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">Pavarotti, with an elegant
last name accompanying his legendary voice. All the same, he was likely
relieved not to be Luciano Higginbotham.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">Firefighters are way too
violent. They should be negotiating with the fires instead.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">I'm a hopeless
narcissist-romantic... I have unrequited self-love.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">Watched Napoleon Dynamite
for the first time last night. Now that part of my brain can finally atrophy.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">Anyone who has grown their
beard out more than three inches is up to something.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">I have reservations about
making reservations at reservations.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">Saying Frosted Flakes is
part of a nutritious breakfast is like saying Ringo was part of the Beatles.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">Western civilization: That
mass of humanity with a curious fixation for zombies, pirates, vampires,
superheroes, sharks and kittens.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">The drumstick in my frozen
dinner was apparently from a 4-inch tall chicken.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">I'm reluctant to tell
people that my yogurt talks to me, because it could unnecessarily influence
their choice in yogurt brands.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">When someone says
"have a nice day," why are they assuming I’m not having a nice day?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">The debit card machine
asked me how much cash I wanted back. I said a billion dollars.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Ijqz_rNEk98/VKiO0hCuOsI/AAAAAAAAB3w/dPd0BGSdHBw/s1600/dog.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Ijqz_rNEk98/VKiO0hCuOsI/AAAAAAAAB3w/dPd0BGSdHBw/s1600/dog.png" height="311" width="400" /></a></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">Microwaves can get pretty
disgusting when they're not cleaned. And it was probably a bad idea setting all
those rat traps in there, in retrospect.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">Headline reads: "Experts
puzzled by discovery." I guess that would make them experts then.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">I’m guessing Aristotle
never said “y’all”.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">Whenever a city council
vote ends in a tie, they should settle it with penalty kicks.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">People who think you can't
be friends with someone just because you disagree with them aren't worth
befriending.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">The objective of World Cup
soccer seems to be to fall down and act like you're dying.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">Zebras have stripes,
leopards have spots, and giraffes have puzzle pieces.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">I'll worry about cooking
from scratch only after I can do two consecutive frozen dinners successfully.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">Confucius say don't
crumple paper bag that have toothpick inside of it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">When people see me walking
down the street, I want them to say, "Hey, there goes Rusty Southwick — he's
got a name."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">Raising awareness for
something only lowers awareness for everything else.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">Life insurance companies
say you'll be able to rest in peace when you're dead, knowing that your family
is taken care of. I wonder if that’s a money back guarantee.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">Ever notice that guys
named Louie are never thin?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">I watched the Academy
Awards For Extras. Everybody won, and they all rushed the stage as if on cue.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">Went back in time 20 years
to see what would happen if I killed my earlier self, but it got me instead so
now I have to wait another 20 years to try it again.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">I want to get a concealed
carry permit for a rifle, and I’ll just tell everybody it’s a leg brace.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">If you haven't voted yet,
vote for me as a write-in candidate from the Undecided Party.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">There are no do-overs in
life. The playground is a dirty rotten lying ne'er-do-over-well.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">Mood swings are way too
draining. It's much less work to just stay depressed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">Why is it that it takes
your neighbor two hours to mow the lawn, but everybody else in the world can do
it in fifteen minutes?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">I never mistakenly lock my
keys in the car because I use the tried and true method of keeping them in my
mouth at all times.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">Across the shame scale,
crying shames would appear to be the severest level of shameness, with dirty
rotten ones not too far behind.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">The only thing worse than
an illiterate fool is a literate one.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">In parallel universe
somewhere, Peter Scolari cements self as household cinematic name with roles in
Iggy Gump and Stanley Versus the Volcano.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">You can only operate
outside of life's illusory quality by acknowledging it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">Greek goddesses likely get
their feelings hurt when we take those “Which Greek goddess are you?” quizzes.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">I'm addicted to life — I
just can't stop breathing. Somebody, please... help me stop.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">Trains and people sound
better off in the distance.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">We often ponder over why
mankind must continually engage in war, and then for celebrating special
occasions we go back to our fetish of fireworks exploding the air.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">Pre-Starbuckus Era, 40,000
B.C. ... "Anyone want to go out for a drink? Say, water perhaps?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">The problem isn’t that
I’ve got a dog in the fight. It’s that I’m betting on it to lose.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">Please don't print this
blog unless you absolutely have to and you're an uncaring shmuck.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-l5aH06xOy7s/VKiO0wYiaSI/AAAAAAAAB30/Fvt1q5d6DtA/s1600/skydivingelephants2.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-l5aH06xOy7s/VKiO0wYiaSI/AAAAAAAAB30/Fvt1q5d6DtA/s1600/skydivingelephants2.png" height="356" width="640" /></a></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">Forever Stamp purveyors
are fully cognizant they're selling damaged goods, since even the highest grade
of postage stamps decompose after 350 billion years.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">The best way to scroll on
your phone is by holding your finger in place and moving the phone up and down.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">Marathon runners keep
reminding us that marathons are precisely 26.2 miles, because apparently they
can't finish without that last thousand feet.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">A hole is more the absence
of a thing than it is any kind of thing. Indeed, it's a void — which is
nothing. In essence, there are no holes.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">Few things have aided modern
man's progress more than the low maintenance of breakfast cereal.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">I just received a message
from myself from the future... It said: "Don't do anything
different." Now I don’t know what to do.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">Earth's magnetic polarity,
a festering cauldron of enigmatic and symmetrical angst which renders
civilization a poignant metaphor in time.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">If I were going to stash
something valuable all across the country, I think I'd hide it in bags labeled
"Cappuccino Potato Chips".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">We give credit cards our
money, and they give us points. That sounds fair.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">Is it possible to just
ooh, or must one accompany it with an aah?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">The Big Bang was big
compared to what? There wasn’t supposed to be anything else.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">Q: How do you knock over a
World Cup soccer player?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">A: Wait 15 seconds.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">R2D2 had a filthy mouth,
which is why they had to keep bleeping him out through the whole movie.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">It's now 7:10 pm. This
piece of factual utter irrelevance was brought to you by the purveyors of
illusory linear thinking, and the letter J.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">Now that crime is against
the law, lawmakers expect that crime will be eradicated within the next twenty
years.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">When I forget someone's
name who I haven't seen in a while, I just say "Hey, Mike." Half the
time I'm right. The other half, it's a woman.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">I fight the clock every
morning. It always wins, though I have won a few silver medals.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">Captain's log, stardate
47382: It's really dark out here. Someone needs to order some street lamps.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">The office printer has a
sign on it that says "Be kind to trees." That's like buying an office
gun and then saying "Be kind to squirrels."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">If you never try, you'll
never find out. For all you know, the bank vault could be unlocked.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">The audiobook of the
dictionary isn’t quite as interesting.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">I poured a bucket of ice
on myself to raise awareness for Charlie Bucket's family.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">My kingdom for
twenty-three fiefdoms, obo. Call for details.</span></div>
Rusty Southwickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15219593571227897865noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3750031433333592027.post-9340266006735686732014-06-23T12:36:00.000-07:002015-08-10T19:44:46.659-07:00The Nameless Blog Post<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Ever notice how raindrops falling on a
windshield seem to go after all the open spots?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">If the landscape is ugly, just
photograph it in black & white and it will come out fine.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Book publishers tell writers how
they're supposed to write, so why don't the publishers just write all their own
books if they know how?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I found a really low plane fare. I
stay home for three days and two nights for only 10 dollars round trip.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Philosophers
realize the only difference between a rabbit and a bear is semantics.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Anything that seems counterintuitive
probably isn't.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">There are way more questions in the
world than there are answers. We should stop asking questions and let the
answers catch up.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">He guesses? He guesses??? Elton John
knows darned well that's why they call it the blues.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Mow the lawn, and it grows back. Mow
the lawn, and it grows back. Mow the lawn, and it grows back. Hmmm. Clearly,
mowing the lawn isn't the solution.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">People assume they're good at eating
just because they’ve done it every day of their life.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">It didn't bother me too much when I
found out Santa wasn't real, however I was rather bummed to learn there was no
such thing as roast beast.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Whatever mood you're in, remember that
it's going to change. So for example, if you're happy, get over it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I finally found my niche in life. It
was hiding under a rock living with a pack of chinchillas.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Caps Lock is somewhat of a misnomer in
that half the time it's for unlocking. They should really fix that.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Subconscious thought doesn't use
words. Words just slow us down.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Is purple a flavor? Asking for kind of
a friend... more of an acquaintance, really. I guess you could say they're in
the range of a chum.</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;"><br />Paying it forward is just a cruel multi-level marketing scheme where the last person doesn't get to do anything.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9pt;">God made a civilization of people if for nothing else so He could be entertained watching them debate over His existence.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;">
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9pt;">I've got an ELO song on my mind and I can't get it out of my head.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;"><br />The universe is trying to communicate with you. It's saying that your dry cleaning is ready.</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: black; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: medium; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: normal; orphans: auto; text-align: start; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: auto; word-spacing: 0px;">
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9pt;">We should throw caution to the wind, and then make frantic preparations for the impending hurricane.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-w_2C1oGZJvc/U6iAwEKN6lI/AAAAAAAAB24/TcZ6b-ExQe8/s1600/aaboyflute.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-w_2C1oGZJvc/U6iAwEKN6lI/AAAAAAAAB24/TcZ6b-ExQe8/s1600/aaboyflute.jpg" height="396" width="400" /></a></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">It's not who you know, but to what
extent you can get them to pity you.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I hate it when someone marries their
best friend, because now that’s two spots being hogged by one person.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Many people are motivated by power, or
greed, or recognition, or achievement, or pleasure. Not me — I can balance all
five equally.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Nobody wants to fly with vultures
because their carrion baggage is frankly disgusting.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Does logic operate under the
presumption that everything must abide by logic? If so, logic is impractical.
If not, it's self-contradictory.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9pt;">You can fit a square peg in a round hole if you push hard enough.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9pt;"><br />People in white clothes have the impression they can cook better than everyone else, as if food itself were created by them.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;"><br />Charles Grodin is an underrated actor.
OK, now I just made him overrated by saying that.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I prefer writing to talking since
people don't try to interrupt what you're saying as you write. A reader is a
better listener.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">You can go ten days without food, and
according to Cuisine Survivalist magazine, seventeen days without hors
d'oeuvres.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Nothing can be truly personal without
knowing someone well enough to love them, though love itself is not personal.
So nothing is personal.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">When the current generation writes its
autobiographies, their profiles will look like this: "The car part I was
was a radiator, for plants I was a rhododendron, and my aura was limburger
cheese..."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">It's
often expressed that things are not as they appear. But then how do they know
how they appear to us?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Remember that the Hindenburg would
never have been a disaster had it first been an utter failure and not been able
to get off the ground.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">We're worried about computers
developing artificial intelligence and they can't even improvise my password
when I'm off by one key.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">Instead of saying "for lack of a better word," try "for absence of a preferable expression."</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 9pt;"><br />Texture in food is the vital temporary
sensation of </span><span style="font-size: 12px;">resistance</span><span style="font-size: 9pt;"> when you bite, which then allows you to isolate the
taste and move your jaws.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Stephen Colbert replacing Letterman is
like Marcel Marceau replacing some other mime.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I like the high that comes right after
the low that follows the high on the tails of another low, but only having
first been a high.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">When the radio station says it's got
"some Foghat" coming up, that means they'll be playing the same
Foghat song they always play.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">scheubeltross, n. - that nagging
feeling there are 14 unidentified things you're supposed to do before you go to
bed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Now I understand why people don't get
up this early in the morning — because it keeps you from staying in bed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Primitive and modern life colliding:
Not wanting to use the wipers because the raindrops on the windshield have
formed an elaborate pattern I want to admire.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Cities name and label streets as if
they didn't want you to find them.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Double confession: Clapton, Marley
both say sheriff was gunned down by them, though insiders think Clapton was just
trying to cover for his friend.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Les Schwab, why don't you just make
tires that have the aroma of popcorn?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Did Alfie ever tell Dionne Warwick
what's it all about?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">17) Item number seventeen.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">The implied anomalous phrase
"life's disappointments" suggests one thinks it was supposed to otherwise
be a picnic.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Hi-jacking father time: Name a week
such-and-such appreciation or awareness week and you're arbitrarily assigned
credibility with the calendar.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Here's a 5 dollar coupon off the next
sentence. Not redeemable with international treaties. By using this coupon you
consent to hand over your full estate.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">How to get someone to e-mail you less
often: Reply by changing some of their original words, then say, "I didn't
understand what you said." Also put a few strategic typos in for them so
they think they've already lowered their credibility with you.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">When people say they just have one
thing to say, ask them: "Ever?"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Children enter life's bewilderment
stage once old enough to ponder why rabbits would hide colored eggs and then
people celebrate it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Saying there's a fool born every
minute is a blatantly babyist remark.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">We feel a continual need to go behind
the scenes due to an instinctive realization that the scenes themselves are no
more than a ruse.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">People talking amongst themselves:
"I can't believe this guy is quoting us on his blog..."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Think of all the small animal life I'm
keeping alive with all the food I drop under my desk. I imagine they have some
monuments in my name.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">If you have to ask the question, it
means we don't have an answer yet.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I have a flexible budget. It goes
between plus and minus all the time.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">In parallel universe somewhere,
budding lounge singer inadvertently spells his last name "Snotra,"
changes course of history forever.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Hey, technology: 90% of what I bought
from you five years ago is either broken or outdated. But I do like all your
new squirrel products.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-nDrbgHINyXU/U6iA7l-cvJI/AAAAAAAAB3E/5JC2EsZNz0w/s1600/aababy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-nDrbgHINyXU/U6iA7l-cvJI/AAAAAAAAB3E/5JC2EsZNz0w/s1600/aababy.jpg" height="420" width="640" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;"><br />Blueberries are purple inside. As are
blackberries, boysenberries, marionberries and huckleberries. We had five good
chances to call something purpleberries.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">The universe is once again back in
equilibrium, which can only mean brace yourself for impending disequilibrium.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">For some reason, I find breathing to
be rather cathartic.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Books aren't anything without their
words, and words aren't anything without their meaning, and meaning originates
in the mind. We are the books.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">The 1980s called, but it was a wrong
number.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Is a run-on sentence such a crime
what's the big deal is there some special law of the universe that controls
this sacred phenomenon give me a break?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Coincidence resides only on the surface
with perception.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Minions just don't seem to get a fair
shake. Pretty much everyone disparages them out of reflex. Could be a call for
a minion coup.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Beware lest ye think you know the
Bible backward and forward, for you may be right about the first.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Contingency plans are only good if
they also have contingency plans.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">If
you haven't got your health, you probably don't have anybody else's either.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">The key to happiness begins with
having the right kind of socks.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">We would be entertained in lieu of
being enlightened.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Next time I'm at the art museum, I’m
going to say "Show me the Monet."<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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Rusty Southwickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15219593571227897865noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3750031433333592027.post-66973391654101180312014-03-31T18:06:00.003-07:002015-08-10T19:34:46.088-07:00Thinking Outside the Giggle Box<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Whenever I'm looking for a new home,
it's always important to me to find one that's nestled somewhere.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">If beauty is in the eye of the
beholder, shouldn't all our eyes be in museums?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Environmental impact analysis:
Millions of years of erosion has ruined the Grand Canyon.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Cold pizza eaters just don't have
enough ambition in life.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-vNN3yP8xyDw/UzoO0J_mTtI/AAAAAAAAB10/Ve4Z_D-plho/s1600/rube.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-vNN3yP8xyDw/UzoO0J_mTtI/AAAAAAAAB10/Ve4Z_D-plho/s1600/rube.jpg" height="320" width="294" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Sitting here at the computer just
thinking to myself. I find it usually works out better that way, which isn't to
say I haven't tried other methods.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">You can substitute for "sin"
anywhere in the Bible with "Comic Sans", and it works the same.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">If you say more than three whatevers
in a one-minute span, you may not know what you're talking about.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Is it better to be oblivious, or to
know that you are oblivious?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I've been selected to receive a free
cruise to the Bahamas. And then some nebulous reference or other about sleeping
in the boiler room while being bound and gagged, blah-blah-blah.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">This just in: Bill Nye has provided
irrefutable proof that he was made from a kit.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">The ending phrase "...said no one
ever" should come with a disclaimer of "except masochists." We
always overlook the masochists.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Notes to self: Treat others kindly,
seize the day, win friends, influence people, lose the friends, bathe, give the
day back, eat yogurt.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Hurricanes get to be
anthropomorphized, but measly little galaxies have to settle for non-descript
monikers like NGC 2207 and IC 2163. What? No Galaxy Larry or Galaxy Edith?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I was born, I came, I saw, I loitered
a bit, managed to remain relatively unobtrusive, and am hanging on to see how
it ends. My life so far, in a tweet.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">We need a new ice age every million
years if for nothing us than to wipe out all our axioms and start over fresh.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Narciss- .... incompe- .... rapscal-
.... malapro- .... surrepti- .... lugubrio- .... verisimilit- .... benefic- .... egalatar- .... Beethoven's
unfinished spelling bee.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">If you earn less than $4 billion a
year, click here to see if you qualify for federal funding of the rich and
famous.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">And as I hung up the phone it occurred
to me, he'd grown up just like Harry Chapin... my boy was just like Harry
Chapin...</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Incidentally, all my passwords start
with the letter 'm'. I'm glad I could get that off my chest.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Personal movie recommendations are
nature's way of helping you effectively weed out your friends.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">People attend parties so they can do
nothing in a more interesting environment.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Is it really possible to waste time?
If time exists and if meaning exists, then time is unlimited. If time doesn't
exist then there's nothing to waste, and if meaning doesn't exist then there's
no such thing as wasting. And if time is unlimited, then it never runs out and
thus it's incapable of being wasted.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Modern man has been conditioned to somehow
believe that a dent on a car is an atrocity.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">News programming wants me to decide
whether someone is guilty or not, based on whatever information they have
spoonfed me. Why don’t they just tell me…</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Caution: This item was packaged in a
facility that uses packing peanuts.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">The tax company that puts the person
in a Statue of Liberty costume dancing on the sidewalk is certainly one I want
to trust my money with.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Somebody add me to your phone contacts
and then text me at 541-227-0486. My phone's on vibrate and I could use a
little massage right near my hip.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Is it dangerous for crooks to be out
at night? Do they have to watch out for other crooks? Is there a crooks code of
ethics where they respect one another’s space?<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Don't overestimate the ability to
underestimate what others have overestimated.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Bill Nye is now debating Boutros
Boutros-Ghali on the existential nature of the bow tie.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Sorry, taste buds, you'll have to wait
again till tomorrow for more chocolate. I know, I know... I'm totally in your
camp on this one.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">People who switch to Geico could save
15% or more on their car insurance off what it would normally cost to start a
new country.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Challenges make us stronger — stronger
for more challenges, which in turn make us stronger. It's just one vicious
cycle.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">10 Things to Do Before You Die:
Breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe,
stop breathing.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">By the next century, everything on
Earth will have won an award.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Took the "Which piece of burnt
toast are you?" quiz. Those things somehow always seem to nail it.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">You
may be anal retentive if you sharpen your 0.5 mm pencil leads. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">The best part of waking up.... Excuse
me, but there isn't a best part of waking up. Lousy corporate Folgers
idealistic imperialists.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Counterintuitivity isn't so much a
problem with intuition as it is with the intuiter.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Facebook says it's free and always
will be. That's the same promise that Henry V made.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">The color gray is neglected and taken
for granted by nearly everyone. It should be given its due, even if it is no
more than reflected light.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I have nothing against protesters per
se, but I’m thinking they could be a tad more effective if they raised their
discourse above nursery rhymes.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Self-esteem. Self-confidence.
Self-worth. Self-assurance. Self-love. Self-respect. Self-regard. Self-mastery.
Self-contentedness. Self-control. Self-assertiveness. Self-reliance.
Self-composure. Self-will. Self-direction. Self-approval. Self-discipline.
Narcissism. Odds are I have at least two of those...</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I don't like to say I told you so, but
I don't like to say I told you so.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">A lot of people won't admit to a fear
of flying, and yet they’ll cheer and heave sigh of relief at a safe landing.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">The beauty of Cap'n Crunch is that if
it’s spilled on a dirty floor, it raises the nutritional value.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I like putting a bunch of extra things
on my to-do list which take about 10 seconds each so I can check them off and
ignore the real items. Today I lifted my left foot in the air, blinked, and
looked at the ground.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-lxU9PTKe8LY/UzoOzzjUgvI/AAAAAAAAB18/g9DlkNC-2qg/s1600/elephant.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-lxU9PTKe8LY/UzoOzzjUgvI/AAAAAAAAB18/g9DlkNC-2qg/s1600/elephant.jpg" height="400" width="323" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Still waiting for a Bill & Ted
moment where I left myself a few thousand dollars from the future.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">The pivotal "Marcia, Marcia,
Marcia" episode of Brady Bunch was bittersweet in that it's when the show
grew up but simultaneously lost its innocence.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">For those curious, I was named Rusty
by my parents because they figured Hydrated Ferric Oxidic didn't sound as good
with our last name. Plus one of them had known somebody with that name in
high school and didn’t like them.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Why would I want to buy something that
someone else is trying to get rid of?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">One reasonable theory is that captchas
are made by artificial intelligence to stump humans.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I don't care what it is, if it's
roasted I know it's been prepared the way nature intended, if nature had
intentions.</span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">What exactly is it that harness racing
jockeys do other than hold the reins and not weigh a lot?</span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">A statistician delights in the notion
that a snowman is about a million snowflakes.</span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">The lottery is like trying to win an
asteroid collision with the Earth.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">So what's the real technology? My
refrigerator has a defroster, while the satellite dish can't get the snow off
of itself.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">What year is it? Okay, don't tell
me........ Is it A.D., or B.C.?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Whenever I’m in the mood to see lots
of ads for things like catamarans, fleece, and imported ale, I’ll do some
internet searches for catamarans, fleece, and imported ale. And, voila! my wish
is granted.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Milli Vanilli now claims that it was
saying "Blame it on Lorraine..."</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Accidentally transferred 20 million
dollars from my savings account into checking. Wonder if they'll notice I'm off
by five decimals.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I find myself in a continual quest for
opportunities to use the words namby-pamby.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">A book's footnotes merely lead to
other books that have more footnotes to yet other books. Why don’t we just read
the first book?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">How do
ghosts properly voice their displeasure at a sporting event? </span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I’ve often wondered where "Go-go
gadget" fits into the origins of ancient ritualistic chants.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Our whole day revolves around food.
Eat, text, eat, text, eat, text, eat, text... How is a person supposed to get
anything done?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
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<br /></div>
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at any time.</span></div>
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mysterious people on Facebook who go by a different name online... I'm not
fooled for a moment by their persona in real life.</span></div>
Rusty Southwickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15219593571227897865noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3750031433333592027.post-7098110950921427212014-02-14T15:06:00.001-08:002015-08-10T19:44:46.654-07:00Life's Lessons: Outsourcing Happiness<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Roll the dice and move ahead, then
celebrate your gains. Much more preferable than going backward. Where you land
is where you land, but then remember, you can move again… You’re not stuck on
one square.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Our attempts through life to maintain
the pinnacle of experience are met with regular disappointment, which,
curiously if tendered effectively can still turn into increased experience.
This is the good news inside of the bad news. Not just a silver lining, but
silver throughout. And yes, easy to talk about. Much harder in practice. Saying
easy. Doing, not so much. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Balancing the two must be some sort of
epidemic, with the ubiquitous life coaches all about us — probably three for
every taxi driver. Until the training wheels come off, though, you don’t find
out whether the balance is there or not. And sadly, life coaches don’t fit on
the seat or handle bars. We’re seven billion souls on seven billion solo rides,
taking time out along the way to share our spun stories over beverages and
crackers. I’ve just distilled our existence down to an in-between meal snack.
Help me Obi-wan, you’re my only hope solo.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Isn’t everything we do an effort to
make ourselves or others happy? That’s why we get up every morning, right?
Otherwise, what’s the point? You get up because you have to be productive, and
you have to be productive so that you can earn a living, and you have to earn a
living so you can pay for the necessities of life, and having the necessities
of life allows you to do more of the things you want to do, and doing the
things you want to do is what makes you happy, right?</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">What is this renegade phenomenon we’re
talking about? What is it we’re truly trying to attain? Can we do more than damage
control as we traverse the chasms of our lifelong expedition, meandering in and
out of self-absorbed relevance on our way to some perceived pie-in-the-sky
utopian dream sequence that didn’t make it off the cutting room floor? I sure
hope so, otherwise it’s going to be a very short and uneventful blog post.</span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 14.0pt;">BLACK AMPERSAND WHITE WORLD</span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">One peculiarity of life (there are
839) is the thin separation between agony and ecstasy. Many people find they’re
at either one extreme or the other. When the pendulum swings, it often swings
all the way across. Not being in ecstasy — with the knowledge it’s attainable —
can be rather disconcerting, polarizing us into absolutes of attitude. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Losing something great can make one
totally despondent. If you almost reached your dream and then fell short, it
can prove devastating. It’s the silver medal syndrome. Second place is a
reminder that you came oh-so-close to winning, but still let it slip away. Do
we have to finish in first all the time, though, in order to be happy about
ourselves? Some Olympians are ecstatic to win gold, but are then in despair
with anything less. (You mean being one of the top three in the world isn’t
good enough for you?) Still others are grateful with a silver or bronze, and
it’s they who know who/what they’re really competing against. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"> </span></div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-O8HYzsMvRnU/Uv6fxp4EFjI/AAAAAAAAB1Q/n1DgpszZSNk/s1600/happyface.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-O8HYzsMvRnU/Uv6fxp4EFjI/AAAAAAAAB1Q/n1DgpszZSNk/s1600/happyface.jpg" height="250" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Think of when people express the most
joy. It seems to quite often be when they’ve experienced relief — when some
kind of struggle has subsided. They tend to be happiest in the moments when the
pendulum is just swinging back from the other side, when they have something
freshly negative in their psyche with which to appreciate the positive more. We
use anchors in everything we do, and happiness is no exception to everything.
Missed ecstasy makes all else look worse by comparison. Relief from agony makes
all else look better by comparison. For one, health is best appreciated
directly after being unhealthy. Yin and yang operating in harmonic symbiosis. We
seek the yang and flee the yin, even though they work together. Aye, therein
lies the rub:</span>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">“Joy is what you feel when the
conflict is over. But it’s conflict that changes the person.” </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">—Robert McKee</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">People try to make their lives easy.
But maybe it’s better when we’re challenged. Challenges don’t have to be bad
things. Maybe we shouldn’t be trying to make it easier. Maybe life is supposed
to be hard, and if we’re fighting against that forward-thinking instinct, we’re
making it worse. Imagine a story without conflict. Imagine a game without effort.
Imagine a one-piece puzzle — it’s easy if you try. We wake from our slumber
when we push ourselves or have been pushed to places we wouldn’t normally dare
go.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Viktor Frankl argued that man’s
greatest pursuit isn’t for pleasure, but for meaning. And that pain could be a
path to experiencing a meaning beyond the false gratification of personal
comfort. That’s a rather profound concept in 27 words or less. Frankl has concisely
captured the essence of this topic. And we soldier on…</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">We are satisfying ourselves with our
comfort zones instead of with what would make us more fulfilled, more
emotionally developed, more experienced, wiser, more character-built, and
consequently with a greater amount of satisfaction. People will go so far as to
stay in awful, destructive situations because it’s familiar to them and they
have a sense of being in at least some control, whereas going out in uncharted
waters means to give up a lot of that control. A known pain can be more
appealing than any uncharted waters.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Donald Miller reveals: “Humans are
designed to seek comfort and order, and so if they have comfort and order, they
tend to plant themselves, even if their comfort isn’t all that comfortable. And
even if they secretly want for something better.” Strange characters, we are.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">It doesn’t mean to go out of your way
the create difficulties for yourself, but to not go out of your way to avoid
them. They’ll be in rich supply, so we need not act the accomplice, as if
sabotaging ourselves were some sort of defense mechanism to attempt reverse
psychology on the fates.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">As we know, sadness will inevitably be
part of every life. Though how much will we let that define us? It’s hard to
remind ourselves that happiness isn’t in ignoring sadness, but in putting the
sadness in perspective and prevailing over it. The problems will most surely
come, and they’re going to be compounded. We can each only hope that we will be
able to confront the sadnesses through the big picture, to not allow the tragic
aspect of life to drag us down and to overtake our entire emotional state. We
can be in a process of overcoming if we’re striving for it, so goes the axiom.
Aye, there be the rub again. Are we the cart or the horse?</span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 14.0pt;">FAUX HAPPINESS</span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Daniel Gilbert eloquently stated in
his seminal offering <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Stumbling on
Happiness</i> that our idea of happiness is basically illusory. Our sense of
happiness tends to greatly rely on our memories, which are likewise unreliable.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Gilbert says “Our experience of the
world — how we see it, remember it, and imagine it — is a mixture of stark
reality and comforting illusion. We can’t spare either. If we were to
experience the world exactly as it is, we’d be too depressed to get out of bed
in the morning, but if we were to experience the world exactly as we want it to
be, we’d be too deluded to find our slippers. A healthy psychological immune
system strikes a balance that allows us to feel good enough to cope with our
situation but bad enough to do something about it.” All about a fine-tuned perception.
Fascinating stuff, this psychological makeup we’re dealing with.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">So doesn’t it seem a little silly to
be overly concerned about where the calibration might be at in a given juncture?
The calibration is not reality, but only our perception of reality. Our
attitude won’t change reality, but it will change how we view it.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Incidentally, reading Gilbert’s salient
edition brings mass quantities of joyful endorphins just from the insight itself,
as he runs the gamut of happy topics.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">In yon days, it was Thoreau who opined:
“The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. What is called resignation is
confirmed desperation.” According to that sobering observation, we commonly tend
to pretend we’re happy when in reality we’re not. We portray something other
than what’s going on inside. And we don’t know how to change it. That’s enough
to make someone want to go live on their own out in the woods. But wait! If you
act now, Thoreau will also throw in a “There is no value in life except what
you choose to place upon it and no happiness in any place except what you bring
to it yourself” at no additional cost. Not only do you not have to order the
complete set of melancholy emotions, but you can build your set of positive
emotions from scratch, with no shipping. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">It sounds like happiness is whatever
you make of it, and we can decide what we want it to be, without compromise but
with determination. That’s a nice revelation, maybe? No?</span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 14.0pt;">GLADNESS AMID GLOOM</span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">At certain points, I began to conclude
that with all the distresses in life, the only people who were truly happy were
the masochists. At least they appreciate when things go wrong. You gotta give
‘em that. But surely everyone has their share of setbacks to take them off their
game and keep them from continually basking in the sunlight. How can we cope in
the midst of it all?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">We are to somehow and in some way
embrace both the positive and negative in our lives. Utilize every opportunity
in what it provides. Remember that were there no mountains to climb, we’d get
awfully tired of walking around on a flat surface all the time. Ups and downs
go hand in hand. Funny how that works out. If the Rubik’s cube were already
solved, there’d be little point in having it, wouldn’t there?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Our life isn’t meant to be perfect or
without defect. Take it as it comes. An ideal can lose sight of the little
things that also matter. Yes, sometimes it really is aggrieving. We shouldn’t
just weather the storms, though, but face them and deal with them in some sort
of constructive manner, however possible. And… that’s where life’s manual leaves
off. From there, it just says something about “modify as needed, your mileage may
vary.” All right, so it would appear we’re given some freedom here to
improvise. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">I gleaned some intriguing thoughts
from a HuffPost webcast, with the segment poignantly titled “The Negative Path
to Happiness”, piquing my interest. Some random thoughts that were bandied
about by the participants:</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Are all the stresses of trying to be
happy making us unhappy?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">We overvalue positivity and optimism
as the only elements of this thing called happiness. When we spend all our
efforts trying fill our minds happy thoughts and positive emotions, it often
has a counterproductive effect.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Embrace uncertainty. It’s more
fruitful to turn toward some of those things we tend to deny.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">To just say you can never think a
negative thought, you’re avoiding problem solving. You often have to confront
the negativity, and if you’re focusing on the ultimate goal of happiness,
sometimes you can’t get there that easily.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Pursuing strictly happiness is silly.
Happiness is one of many emotions, and you’ll be riding the wave of them. You
can’t expect yourself to get happy by forcing yourself to be happy when you’re
really not.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Obsessive goal-setting causes people
to live completely five years ahead of where they are now. Of course, the
future never arrives. It’s always the present.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">People in pursuit of happiness will
always be in pursuit of it. At some point, you have to start pursuing the
moment.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">If you try to be happy all the time,
you’ll make yourself less happy.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Even moments of relative discomfort
can be positive moments.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">It doesn’t make sense that everything
in your life you brought into your life with your thoughts, so you’re not
completely responsible for everything you experience. It sets people up to
blame themselves for things that are not their fault.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Wow, HuffPost for the win… All that
mediates is not psychoganda after all. If one digs enough, there are treasures
to be uncovered all around. My faith in humanity restored for the time being.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">So maybe we’re not supposed to be
happy all the time. It was Veronica in <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Heathers</i>
who furiously scrawled, “If you were happy every day of your life, you wouldn't
be a human being. You'd be a game show host.” Maybe accepting that will allow
us to return to happiness quicker, but also tolerate the unhappy better. And
maybe even occasionally thrive in it to whatever extent possible, as unpleasant
as it can be. Ongoing workouts at life’s gym paying dividends.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Footnote: If
you have to ask if you’re happy, you might be thinking too hard. If you don’t
have to ask, then you probably are. Unlearning is the path to learning. Things
Yoda would say for 400…</span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 14.0pt;">PROVERBIAL GLASS CONUNDRUM</span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">A word about perception. OK, 489… We want
to laud those who claim the glass is half full, while decrying those who say
it’s half empty. On a superficial level, they’re fundamentally proper. Truth
is, both the optimistic and pessimistic answers are severely flawed and carry a
similar degree of inaccuracy. One is not superior to the other. Yet ultimately,
what do we find? We still reward the side that’s more enthusiastic about the
basic state of the glass. Interesting, is it not? But in the end, neutral optimism
or pessimism in analysis won’t alter the reality of the situation. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">The realist measures the actual volume
and doesn’t concern him/herself with such middling details as what portion of
it is full. The size of the glass is likewise ancillary to how much water it
contains. 4 ounces of water in a 10 ounce glass is ostensibly the same as 4
ounces of water in a 6 ounce glass, for all strictly utilitarian purposes, as
far as the water is concerned. The amount of space in the glass taken up by air
isn’t very valuable information to this equation, nor does it have anything to
do with the state of the water, which is where the focus should be. An
efficient glass of water means nil. Some might say that it could be useful to
know how much available space there is left in the glass, but for what?
Hypotheticals? That’s not what’s at issue. What we’re determining is how much
water the glass currently has in it.</span></div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-vhNECjxIFzo/Uv6fwwowAhI/AAAAAAAAB1M/Bt8baxz5pOs/s1600/glass.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-vhNECjxIFzo/Uv6fwwowAhI/AAAAAAAAB1M/Bt8baxz5pOs/s1600/glass.jpg" height="213" width="320" /></a><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Furthermore, there really isn’t such a
morbid notion as “half full” anyway. Half <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">filled</i>,
maybe. But that’s something else entirely. Half full would be like saying half
of completely. The condition of being full does not come in degrees. It either
is or isn’t. Might as well say “fully half.” Mull on that one for a skosh.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Half empty is likewise a non-entity in
its own right. Half <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">emptied</i>, perhaps.
But again, that’s an altogether different connotation. Half empty is akin to
saying half of none. What? Excuse me? Judges? Hmm</span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">…</span> let’s try that out, shall we? Zero, divided by 2 =
huh?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Just claim the glass has water in it
and cut your losses. Any more or less than this is speculation. Is there water
in the glass? Yes. OK, good. Are we going to psychoanalyze the water too?</span>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">What we find as the substance of the
half full/empty scenario is all form, modern psychobabble 101 in all its
glorious bombast. If this were Mythbusters, they’d say it’s blown up. Moral of
the story: Platitudes, while nice, can be pared down to metaphorical hype for
the sake of hype. Ask why the hype would be warranted, after stripping away the
propagandistic elements about what happiness is or isn’t. Ask what the assumptions
you’re making are, for no assumption has merit on its own accord. And in the
end, when merchants are parlaying glee, remember they’re attempting to sell
something that need not be bottled.</span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 14.0pt;">HAPPY GO LUCKY, SAD GO OTHERWISE</span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Mr. Roarke would implore the throngs,
“Smiles, everyone…” such wisdom amidst the simplicity of an innocent two-word
phrase, minus the Corinthian leather, which is also profound in its own way.
Meanwhile, Tattoo was feverishly incanting, “Da plane! Da plane!” And people
were going through lifetime transitions and entering other dimensions — it was
just one big Rastafarian party on the island. No wonder it was always booked
and the flight expenses were outlandish. They were selling the fantasy of
elusive happiness.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">There’s a little song Bobby McFerrin
wrote, which we may want to sing note for note… To emphasize it even more, he
sequestered Robin Williams to do tribal incantations in the video, a smart move
in that Henry Kissinger wasn’t available. At any rate, no one else could bust a
move like that. Don’t worry…</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Renowned human condition author extraordinaire
and psycholigical genius Malcolm Gladwell — an apropos name for the subject if
there ever were one — describes in his book “Blink” that researchers who study
facial expressions have identified over 3000 distinct ones matching certain
emotions, and that these expression-emotion pairings are consistent throughout diverse
cultures all over the world. Furthermore, our brain knows which ones we’re
using at a given time, because the expression itself can also lead to the
emotion. So even if you’re not happy, if you smile your brain will receive
messages telling it that you are happy. Pavlov would’ve been very proud, not to
mention his faithful tail-wagging accomplice. So it turns out to be a
self-affirming activity. And this is also why arch villains who wear masks or
painted faces with scowls on them have virtually no chance of being rehabilitated.
The signals they’re getting are that they are perennially disgruntled, and so
that’s how they will react, turning to a lifelong quest of arch villainry and
lucrative movie deals. </span></div>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-lM3ZeD8-vrk/Uv6fw3SusCI/AAAAAAAAB1c/9NpKJkmztQE/s1600/fantasyisland.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-lM3ZeD8-vrk/Uv6fw3SusCI/AAAAAAAAB1c/9NpKJkmztQE/s1600/fantasyisland.JPG" height="320" width="253" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Not quite sure what Charlie Brown’s
brain would have told him, because he kind of had a wavy, half-smile, half
something else — more of a non-committal comic emotive state. And it’s no wonder he
didn’t learn anything in school, because none of his teachers knew how to talk
right. The Wa-Wa dialect to this day still has linguists perplexed.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">That trifecta of happy/neutral/sad perspectives is
eloquently conveyed in the most emblematic Beverly Hillbillies factor. Kinfolk
said, “Jed, move away from there.” But economic status didn’t faze him. He was the middle
ground in the equation. In general, Jethro and Elly May were the paragon of
ebullience, while father Jed was neither happy nor sad, and Granny was an old
curmudgeon who took special pleasure in being upset at anything that moved. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">You could take the same situation, and
Jethro and Elly May would be utterly tickled pink, Jed would be nonchalant, and Granny
would be in a veritable tizzy. The scenery always changed, but the demeanors didn’t. A
raccoon walks into the kitchen. Jethro and Elly May want to embrace it and feed
it tiny morsels. Jed reckons he wants to think the sit’iation over. Granny,
she’s already got a broom in her hand ready to wreak havoc. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">If aliens came down from space and
invaded Earth, both Jethro and Elly May would be smiling ear to ear, and
wanting to ask them there space creatures all about themselves and share a cordial
interstellar moment. Jed, meanwhile, would be scratching his head not knowing
what to think, and Granny — she would be presently depositing shotgun in their
direction. It all depends on the attitude of the individual. Sit’iations are
just a backdrop we can use as excuses for the attitude we choose. The
sit’itations don’t change so much as our outlook toward them does.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 14.0pt;">SIMPLE THINGS IN LIFE</span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">The logical and highly simplistic
explanation that most of modern humanity tends to follow off a cliff is that
more is better, and according to that we should be accumulating increased
amounts in order to derive greater satisfaction. Such is one of the great
illusions of life. Although if less is more, and more is less, then less becoming
more makes it less again. That didn’t get us anywhere outside of our
theoretical castle. More or less. (howmanyofme.com says there are 25 people in
the U.S. named Les Moore. I thought there would be more Les Moores, but there
are fewer Les Moores than I thought) Bottom line: we don’t deal well in
quantities, as math is a poor approximation of reality. About all math is good
for is keeping score in sporting events. Fractions? Decimals? 2-dimensional
objects? Pshaw… don’t exist.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Commercial trade indoctrination
insists that you always need an additional comparative amount above whatever
you have, and it needs to be newer too. Newer carries the overtone of improved,
but is it? Jerry Seinfeld wondered how many times can they make laundry
detergent better. Tide has been upgraded about 73 times in our lifetimes, and
each time we’ve been enraptured in the most recent development. Wow, we thought
it was good before, but now it’s <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">really,
really</i> good. Now they have flavor crystals! Sure, it’s absurd, but as a
group we’re like gullible’s travels. We never figure out that the latest diet, exercise
machine, money-making opportunity, calamity, etc., is just a rehash, and there
will be many more clones to follow.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Gilbert said about materialism:
“Economies thrive when individuals strive, but because individuals will only
strive for their own happiness, it is essential that they mistakenly believe
that producing and consuming are routes to personal well-being.” The group machine
driving the individuals. Hey, who’s in charge here?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">A possible intriguing follow-up to
this concept later on is the process for training oneself to appreciate to a
greater extent what is already there, while still balancing that with proper
ambition to stretch farther in more substantive ways. If we could develop true
discipline, I believe we each have the capacity within us to derive even higher
satisfaction than we are experiencing without the need to accumulate or attach
it to possessions. </span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-U-em6gXMito/Uv6fwyVpqrI/AAAAAAAAB1Y/gVnkQ9DzqAo/s1600/beverlyhillbillies.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-U-em6gXMito/Uv6fwyVpqrI/AAAAAAAAB1Y/gVnkQ9DzqAo/s1600/beverlyhillbillies.jpg" height="435" width="640" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Somewhere along the way when man
started to become overly civilized, he began being programmed that money and
personal property played a big role in one’s quality of life, and thus the greater
quantity, the better. There being nothing inherently wrong with the
accumulation of wealth, such pursuits tend to dominate our time and energies,
always looking for the sale, always looking for the good deal, always trying to
pad one’s portfolio, a never-ending ponderous scrutiny of the monthly budget,
penny-pinching like your life depended on it. As if the money ruled you. The
paragon of wealth? Value, sure. Ultimate value, nah. Take regular breaks from
your life to detach yourself from your money by not lending ultimate credence
to it. Make your money take out a loan on you for a change.</span>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Miller added: “There is an intrinsic
feeling in nearly every person that your life could be perfect if you only had
such-and-such a car or such-and-such a spouse or such-and-such a job. We
believe we will be made whole by our accomplishments, our possessions, or our
social status.”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">And even when we have resigned
ourselves that material things don’t bring us satisfaction, we still seem to look
for temporary substitutes in place of the real thing. We seek escapes. And then
we find that many of those escapes don’t have an escape themselves. In
attempting to discover transitory refuge, we have created for ourselves a well-fortified
cage at the human zoo.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Consider for a moment: What monetary
amount would it require to have you agree to part with one of your limbs? Or
lose your sight? Or give up your cherished relationships? Or lose fond
memories? Or take a year off your lifespan? Or sacrifice the experience of
music? Or on and on? What value can be placed on such things? Is it more than a
million? More than a billion? Trillion? A little absurd to consider, isn’t it? So
if you already have things that surpass the value of mere wealth, why aren’t
you appreciating those things as much as you think you would appreciate this untold
wealth? </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Ah, but you want to have your cake and
eat it too. The amount we want is always just “a little bit more” than what we
have. It’s a bottomless well that never gets filled. We’re in constant search
for that value-driven Holy Grail, all the while ignoring the worth of what’s in
front of us.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">You
can chase the far horizon <br />
Tryin’ to be someone you're not <br />
Or spend your whole life searching, yeah<br />
For what you've already got <br />
It’s funny how the road can lead <br />
Back to all the ones you need</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">(“You Never
Know Who Your Friends Are” —Hooters)</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">We have to unlearn the mistaken notions
we’ve been conditioned to, which is that joy is somehow attached to continually
upping the ante. Perhaps instead we could be "lowering the anti-" to
produce an even better effect. Somewhere the notion of diminishing returns
didn't get factored in by a populace in too much of an energized rush to
notice. Conversely, he that first loses his life shall find it... anyone?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 14.0pt;">OUR EPITAPH</span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">The poets
had it right. While we’re busy pursuing our ever-elusive happy trails, it would
be more direct to simply pursue love, which is what happiness relies on anyway.
Avoid the middle man. Love of yourself. Love of those you’re close to. Love of
your Creator. Love of life. There, was that so hard??</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Being alive
and having connections with others is what we have to be most grateful for and
happy about, while everything else is gravy. Sure, the gravy can be nice too,
but it’s curious how much attention we want to give the gravy, while it’s only
what accentuates. As if we took life and love as givens. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Likewise,
it’s not so much what we have in comparison to what other people do or don’t
have. Picture if you were the only person on Earth. How then would you gauge
your state of happiness? Does someone else’s misfortune raise your fortune at
all? We’re to be as happy as we are for having basic life and knowing others,
irrespective of what our contemporaries are experiencing. Their sadness should
not be artificially raising our happiness quotient, nor should their increased
happiness lower our happiness. Without catching ourselves, we think in a
quantitative currency mindset, forgetting that the things most important are
not zero-sum.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Bards, sages
and the wise echo the same sentiment: A conquering enterprise is what we’re involved
in. Happiness, then, is the very process of overcoming sorrow, but not avoiding
it. Accomplishing all of this menagerie together. From dimness to light… without detours. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">(click the Play arrow) </span></div>
<iframe seamless="" src="http://bandcamp.com/EmbeddedPlayer/album=3667167959/size=small/bgcol=333333/linkcol=e99708/artwork=none/t=16/transparent=true/" style="border: 0; height: 42px; width: 100%;"><a href="http://thelostdogs.bandcamp.com/album/scenic-routes">Scenic Routes by The Lost Dogs</a></iframe><br />
<br />
<br />Rusty Southwickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15219593571227897865noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3750031433333592027.post-33799880251436963982014-01-20T11:31:00.002-08:002015-08-10T19:24:13.358-07:00Findings From the Mental Observatory<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Have you noticed that everything in
life comes in threes? It does, although sometimes it stops at 1 or 2 until the
third one comes along.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Occasionally
I like to contemplate the vast complexities of the universe, but more often
than not I just allow it to contemplate me. Why should I have to do all the
work?</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Crest
says on the label that it fights cavities and tartar. That's what I need is a
toothpaste that gets violent with my mouth.</span></span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I'm one of those OCD people who cares
that Jimmy cracked corn.</span></span></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">The best strategy for how to get
married is to send out wedding invitations. Someone is bound to show up.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">If the shoe doesn't fit, throw it at
the guy who made up the phrase "If the shoe fits…"</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Where's Plato when we need him? Old
age is no excuse.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">If
it’s true that it’s better to give than to receive, then isn’t it then selfish
of us to be taking the giving part for ourselves?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Any
successful civilization will ensure that its cheesemakers are duly compensated.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Poetry was invented so men could
pretend to be romantic.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">A traditional pencil is nice until the
lead breaks. And like I'm going to have a sharpener with me out in the Kalahari.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Rabbits never win in nature
documentaries.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">A
simplistic accumulative mentality so many subscribe to operates under
presumption that if you're in 40-degree weather twice, you're warm.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Random acts of kindness just means you
can't control your kindness.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">For a change of pace, I've decided to
bother my sinuses.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
can never remember where I parked. Was it at Wal-Mart, or at the airport?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">In another ten years, mayonnaise will
have given way to 'mayo', and if we’re lucky, antidisestablishmentarianism will
have given way to 'ant'.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Flo is haunting me now. She won't leave
me alone for even a moment… I'm going to buy Progressive just to satisfy the
ghost of insurance present.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">In
literature they refer to reality as "non-fiction", as if it were some
curious derivative of fiction.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">A
truly diverse society would have no less than a thousand Spice Girls.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-6yqy88n13T4/Ut17f5hxCgI/AAAAAAAAB0w/G1BBPi6D6nc/s1600/python.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-6yqy88n13T4/Ut17f5hxCgI/AAAAAAAAB0w/G1BBPi6D6nc/s1600/python.jpg" height="258" width="400" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">You
mean you'll actually let me put a whole bunch of different colored glowing
things in a row… for free? And I can do this activity anytime I want to?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Adobe Flash Player would make a good
virus if it weren't a real program.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Sometimes I try to pretend that life
is real, but then I see all the bad acting and the illusion goes away.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">When given a choice between two
mediocre options, rebel, protest and tell them even Monty Hall had a third
door.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">They say no two snowflakes are alike.
Except for snowflake doppelgangers, a very rare strain of snowflake.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">(voice from across the Confucius household,
circa 500 B.C.) "Honey, what did I do with the aphorisms?"</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">None of us really has an exact shoe
size, even if you include halves. We're all somewhere between two sizes. This
is rather upsetting to me. I spent about 70 million brain cells thinking about
this, although I think they're the kind that are renewable.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Haggling
with the Verizon salesman to see if I can get him up to 6 G's.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">In the lyrics to Hey Jude, I totally get
the meaning behind the eleventh set of "nah nah-nah nah-nah-nah-nah,
nah-nah-nah-nah," but not the sixth one.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Today
feels like a Thursday that feels like Saturday.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Within the next 10 years, scientists
hope to discover that we really don't have a mojo.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Looked up the definition of the word
"definition" in the dictionary, and it resulted in an out-of-body
experience.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">We need a preliminary TV special for
guessing which executives will announce who will be hosting the Grammy
nomination prediction show.</span> </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">As much as we strive for structure and
predictability, the harsh reality is life is a playlist on shuffle, which makes
it much more interesting.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">One
TV show that doesn't quite get enough notoriety is Paid Programming — in its
34th season and still going strong.</span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">People
are always asking me what my cell number is, and yet even after I tell them they
still never come and visit me in prison.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Why
is it that John Tesh's head is usually tilted? Just an innocent observation,
but I think if we ask enough of the right questions, we may end up solving the
mystery of the universe.</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Feeling
especially daring today, I've decided to see what happens when you
septuple-click the mouse. It may open up another dimension or just make fries,
it's hard to tell. Like any worthwhile explorer, they always announce what
they're embarking on so later everyone knows what the burn marks on the floor
were from. I'm going to test it on a prototype first in case I accidentally
octuple-click, and then it's banzai.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Two-thirds of a phone call is spent
winding up the phone call.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">To understand everything there is to
understand, which is nothing. If that much isn't understood, then one
understands less than nothing.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Find
out from your doctor if these side effects are right for you.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">As
uttered sound incapable of capture through alphabetic symbol, so likewise
persistent emotion refusing entombment in mere lexicon.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">OK,
so when artificial intelligence starts solving the Captcha codes but humans
still only get them right half the time, then what?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">We're too eager to reach conclusions
in a self-imposed race to tick off items on some imaginary philosophical
checklist.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Your
suit coat says dazzling and progressive, while your non-matching jeans say you
still need your mother to dress you.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Knowledge
often means learning and accepting something in principle and then moving on,
without committing the details to conscious memory.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I'll
believe it when I see it, for these all-seeing eyes must be the only possible
sense in the universe with which to experience our existence, no?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Re-inventing
the wheel materially or in process is hardly egregious compared with people
continually re-inventing the generic personality.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Yoko
Ono clarifies in recent autobiography: "All we were saying was give pizza
a chance, but something lost in translation."</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I'm conducting a conscientious
sleep-in this morning in protest of the weight of my eyelids.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">We blame politicians, thinking if we
replace them with the species "non-politicians", all will be well,
not seeing people are products and a reflection of the system. And the system
is a result of what the people have constructed. And that’s us.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Reader's
Digest is right on track within the next ten years to reach its goal of
becoming a full-fledged medical journal.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-RO2PYt2C0_8/Ut14brv8mfI/AAAAAAAAB0k/vc6DLBa7yDk/s1600/abbeystartrek.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-RO2PYt2C0_8/Ut14brv8mfI/AAAAAAAAB0k/vc6DLBa7yDk/s1600/abbeystartrek.jpg" height="300" width="400" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Caught
in this endless loop of go to bed late, wake up early, take mid-day nap, eat a
late dinner, Skype with Pat Sajak… It just never ends.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Consumers
thinking they got a good deal, under the illusion there's such thing as a
regular price for which to base some relative value on.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I remember when you used to have to
lick postage stamps. That's why there are fewer diseases today.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">There's absolutely nothing you can say
that will convince me I'm right.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Judging
the human condition is relative, and while things could be better, what is this
innate reference point of how good they ought to be?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I'm
not a big Tom Cruise fan. He is only 5'7", after all…</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Declaring
what you want out of life suggests an expectation that it cater to you. You
don't have to order it — the buffet is open.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Having
ads whose function is to annoy so that customers will pay premium prices in
order not to see them tells us a lot about the nature of advertising.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">It's
a good thing we have years or we wouldn't know how to start over and say we’re
really going to do it right this time.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">300
million people are all certain they know how to make this country run properly.
Even babies and news anchors.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">My favorite beaches and school
supplies: 1) Waikiki; 2) Puerto Vallarta; 3) Carmel-by-the-Sea; 4) Protractor;
5) Malibu; 6) Liquid Paper; 7) Maui; 8) Compass; 9) Corona del Mar; 10) Paste.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Why
do songs say the same line four times in a row? Maybe the people in back didn't
hear it the first time. Or perhaps they're trying to reinforce their message in
our subconscious through the power of suggestion. It's an alien plan to program
our minds. I always was suspicious of Air Supply anyway. And next they'll be
cutting off our oxygen in order to control us.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Sometimes
my inside jokes are so obscure that even I don't get them.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">People who wear their pajamas out in
public… are awesome. It went all the way around weird and came back to awesome.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Servers
at restaurants tell you to enjoy your meal, meaning they're assuming the
primary reason you eat is to derive culinary pleasure from tasting it or at
least have a pleasant social experience. However, that's likely a stereotype.
There are also many utilitarian among us, who eat for sustenance and nutrition.
Then the servers say "good choice" when you order certain menu items.
Does that mean they have bad choices on their menu?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Public
apology: Pretending you didn't mean to say or do what you did, and that you
were somehow inhabited by another person at the time.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">When choosing between style or
substance, always pick the one that isn't style.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Surely humanity can muster 52
different types of things to have celebrity awards shows about so we never have
to go without for a weekend.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;"><spoiler alert> Milk goes bad after six months.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">The
major improvements in Windows 8.1 are that it removed new features of Windows
8.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Economics
has been one of the more conniving innovations in modern history for people
allowing themselves to be controlled by others.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">People looking "for something to
do" act as if life were something you had to go out and find.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Atheists will cite the legitimacy of some
of Jesus' teachings to make political arguments against theists.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Oh,
look… A web ad taking up my entire screen, basically hijacking my browsing
experience. Please tell me how I can buy your product. I am in your power.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">A&W: We take longer to make our
burgers because we take longer to make our burgers.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">If someone asks what time it is, your
assumption is about where and when, which is often here and now but keeps changing.
You can’t accurately answer what time it is in any context.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Congratulations! This is no joke! You
just won everything in the universe, except for a place to store it all.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Your worst nightmare would actually be
one that doesn't do its job very well and causes you to just laugh at it.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Please
visit my online store. I don't carry any products, but you can still send me
money. Otherwise, you can just donate. Or leave a tip.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I'm
going to make free software with terms of agreement requiring the user to put
me in their will, and I'll stick that part way at the end.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">All
books are invisibly linked with other books in a grand conspiracy of
interconnected information and ideas.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">The pursuit of enlightenment involves
no accumulation, but only the ridding of our assumptions.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
think one thing I really miss from childhood is lollygagging. It's been so long
since I've lollygagged that I seem to have lost the knack. Children are so happy
all the time probably due primarily to lollygagging. Just a theorem, mind you.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">In
case you missed it, you missed it.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">For
the person who has everything… the solution is right in front of you — get them
nothing.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">moderna
homa, n. - curiously stubborn yet advanced biped cursed by nature with no
realization of arms too short to adequately take a selfie.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Why
is it always just a "moment" of silence? Yes, we’ll agree to honor
them, but no more than a moment. We have to get on with our other moments.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">The
only conclusion I can reach is that these disaster movies are merely teasing
us. I don't think they'd really allow the end of times to be ushered in because
it would make for a very poor marketing move. I want to see a movie that not
only says "based on a true story" or "inspired by actual
events," but "this is real footage from the future." Now, that
would be worth the eight bucks. And I'd get it on DVD too. Maybe even Blu-Ray.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Voices
carried across time as penetrating echoes within the vast cathedral walls,
descending upon awaiting ears in an elegance of epiphany.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Wristwatches became popular in the
1920s, and despite the pervasiveness of computer age clocks, we still think we need
time on our wrists.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Aliens looking down on us: "Hmm…
most civilizations reject Miley Cyrus within a few days, but planet Earth has curiously
made her into a celebrity."</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Monday,
ye nefarious traitor… how ye portend to bedazzle via yon empty notions of
calendrical rebirth, only to quash in harshest realism.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">On the other side of surreal is
enlightenment if we would wait it out.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Scientists
postulate a parallel universe somewhere where REO Speedwagon is the greatest
rock n' roll band ever. It doesn’t end well for that universe.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">In an effort to appeal to all
demographics, this one is for those people who particularly appreciate the
unfettered nuances of meandering prose in all its resplendent glory.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Some
people just rub you the wrong way, so don't get massages from them.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Boredom is one of life's great gifts,
yet we scoff at it as if it should come pre-packaged for entertainment.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">The rock band Nelson missed a perfect
opportunity to call itself "Twin Blonde Frocked Sons of Fifties Teen Idol Ricky
Nelson Pandering to Our Father's Dying Legacy."</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Don't believe your body when it tells
you that you have to eat. It may even try to convince you that you need to
breathe too.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Made a snow angel today. In my mind.
Minus the snow. But I'm still taking credit for it for whoever's tallying the
points.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">forbears, n. pl. - one more than
Goldilocks encountered.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I'm mad as heck, but I'm going to
continue taking it anymore. I'm the much less dedicated malcontent.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Humpty Dumpty to 9-1-1: "I've
fallen and I can't — oh… that explains it."</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">If
I've learned one thing in life, it's that I haven't learned one thing in life.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">That
there exists a niche in this world for a quantity such as Honey Boo Boo is
possibly all that needs to be known about the postmodern era.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I'm feeling really connected to the
universe right now. It's like I can reach out and touch the air.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">As you go through life, don't run out
of butter.</span></div>
Rusty Southwickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15219593571227897865noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3750031433333592027.post-69334136401445814432013-12-28T18:02:00.001-08:002015-08-10T19:38:49.079-07:00End-of-Year Clearance Thoughts<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">In the interest of full disclosure,
I'm typing this with one eye closed.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
don't know about you, but I don't know about me either.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
need something to do for the next 7 seconds. Any ideas? Retroactive help is
fine. When I travel back in time, I'll be sure to put you in the credits.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Self-awareness
is all well and good provided one is not a contemptible louse.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Kids
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desk with a bottle of paste to eat any time you wanted.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Don't
be sad it's over. Rather, show some real ambition and be sad you were ever
born.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
never shy away from commitment. Instead, I run from it like a banshee.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">If introverts should occasionally get
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their comfort zone and stop talking?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">It blows my mind that there are
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Has there ever been a successful
person named Melvin?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">To anyone I've ever offended, you may
have deserved it so let's not rush to judgment.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">People
go to sporting events because they want to cheer on their team, and so they pay
somewhere around $30-50 to go into the stadium, but that's not enough for the
team, which feels obligated to use the scoreboard and organ music to prompt the
fans to cheer even more than they normally would. I’m a little suspicious
they’re just herding us into the games just so we can make noise for them.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">There is no mention of the Internet in
Neo-Classical literature, a clear sign that they were all heartless snobs.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Johnny-come-lately's
aren't nearly as annoying as Jenny-come-early's.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">These new ultra-compact cars would be
perfect for getting around in a parking lot.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">If
you can't make your own mark, then train a surrogate to mimic you well.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">The universe is conspiring against me
today, but I'm still going with me and the points.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Allstate
has accident forgiveness, but then they also have deductible purgatory, so it's
probably a wash.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Happiness
is not a destination. It's a railroad stop, so get off now.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">If
cherries aren't a berry, I don't want to be right.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">How we define a thing has no bearing
on its state of being.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">It's
fascinating how colors can change one's mood. After adjusting all my computer
settings to neon green, I've curiously developed a highly functional elevated
and palpable sense of unmitigated angst layered on top of the uncontrollable
urge to molt.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">If we were to send Justin Bieber into outer
space, aliens might take it as an act of aggression.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">You can't spell
antidisestablishmentarianism without five i's.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Let's all synchronize our watches. On
my mark.... (for those of you without watches, just count)</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-mQ1o_CvMxoc/Ur-B1u23OpI/AAAAAAAAB0Q/2sfvMw2utvg/s1600/younglions.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-mQ1o_CvMxoc/Ur-B1u23OpI/AAAAAAAAB0Q/2sfvMw2utvg/s1600/younglions.jpg" /></a><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;"> I've never seen a normal person. They
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">When you sign out of Facebook, it says
"Log in to continue." I've been insecure before, but never like that.</span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Don't be in such a hurry — the
universe isn't going anywhere.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Alien journal: The most important
aspect of the human transport vehicle appears to be that it be shiny.</span></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Everybody has something to say, but
nobody knows what it means.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
</div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I want to make a non-linear clock, one
that doesn't rely on e=mc<sup>2</sup> as a variable. It will have no mechanical
parts. I call it the mind.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I've gone viral in my house. Everybody
is talking about me.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Having
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it doesn’t obscure the harsh reality that 90% of the checkout lanes are still intentionally
family unfriendly.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Greek
yogurt is just a passing fad, which will soon give way to Hungarian tofu.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">It's often said that a certain thing
could end the world as we know it. But then again, how do we know it?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I'm going to count to 10. Not because
I'm mad, but just to rebuild my confidence.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Plug-ins
like to crash so much I'm thinking of buying a couch just for them for whenever
they stay over.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">If
you eat string cheese without pulling down the strings, you may be a Bohemian,
plus we can't be friends. I will befriend other Bohemians.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Sure,
Words With Friends is fun, but Words With Complete Strangers on a Bus in
Dusseldorf is scads more invigorating.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Scientist says there's now a cure for
the hangover. What, they just invented sobriety? Yeah, there's a cure for
jumping off a cliff too.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">What if I'm not really moving down the
road, but instead everything is just coming toward me? I believe this is what
Copernicus would posit in his BMW.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Some people say a particular movie
wasn't true to the book, but how can you be true to something that’s fiction?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I can't always tell when people are
being sarcastic in print. Even myself.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">If
someone tells you your shoes are untied, tell them it's still safer than
flip-flops. Do they go around telling people with flip-flops, "Hey, your
flip-flops are on"?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Computers
are to bagpipes as nomenclature is to phrenology. Think about it. (It won't help
though)</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">There's
nothing quite like a nap. Even another nap isn't like a nap.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I’m
a tad suspicious about joggers always seeming to find the missing bodies. I
think they're in on it somehow, their alibi being they “just happened” to be
jogging by.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-19zX9WSxj3g/Ur-ByXHNXGI/AAAAAAAAB0I/IGtZ9xASaig/s1600/illusion02.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="378" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-19zX9WSxj3g/Ur-ByXHNXGI/AAAAAAAAB0I/IGtZ9xASaig/s400/illusion02.png" width="400" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Never
say never, always say always, and only sometimes say sometimes. Is that a
coincidence or did they plan it that way?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">My person of the year is me again. I'm
the only one who ever lets me sleep in on Saturdays.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I hope I don't die on TV, because they
only have graveside services, and just the main characters and three relatives
show up.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Confucius is now looking at Twitter
from above. Are you happy what you started, eh?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Metal
stuck in your lips and eyebrows is tolerable, but if you put toilet paper in
your ears and nostrils, people would think you're weird.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">What
to get for the person who has everything… a lawn gnome-mower.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">/end
of rant......... Now it's time to start a new one.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">L.A.
only has a high population because most of the people are stuck in traffic and
can't get out.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">"Must-see"
TV is kind of like must-eat rocks.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Pearl Jam's latest release isn't
necessarily bad, if you take it back into the Neolithic Period and compare it
with beating on rocks.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Pay
attention to tap dancers who know Morse Code.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">It's unscientific to believe in things
that are invisible. Like gravity, energy, magnetic forces, electricity, waves,
consciousness…</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">What doesn't kill you only makes you
stronger, but seriously, I'd like more options.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Don't buy the new Pearl Jam CD.
Instead, consider donating $15 to their disaster relief fund to help rescue
them from their music.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Social
networking is to friendships as lemmings are to swimming.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">You've
never seen another person through your eyes. What you see are their physical
frame, expressions, mannerisms. Those are manifestations.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Overwhelm.
Underwhelm. Whelm. My daily stabilizing exercise. (performed on a closed track
by a professional emotionalist — do not attempt)</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">This
sentence is entitled "Knick-knacks in the Attic": Dust-laden vestiges
of tilted, half-painted wooden pulltoys from a bygone era…</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">People
want to change the world, but it's a tricky game. Last week after I changed the
world, somebody else who was also trying to change the world changed it again,
so probably not many people noticed my version, but for eight minutes last
Thursday the equator went through Montana and the only understandable language
was Esperanto, which is why you were getting all those funny looks.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">During a power outage today, I had to
text on Post-it notes. It was awful!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
don't understand what the big deal is about Krispy Kreme donuts. I had five of
them, and I didn't notice any difference.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Modern
TV programming has restored my faith in the ability of the average person to
come up with their own better material.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">If you have to wear a hat to look
cool, you're only borrowing coolness.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Things are unexpected due to our
expectations not being aligned with reality. What shifts is not reality but
rather our perceptions.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">If there were truth in advertising,
we'd have three minutes of dead air at every commercial break.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">People
who don't want to be taken seriously should not be taken seriously.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Pearl
Jam's album "Lightning Bolt" is #3 in the Vedder household for
recordings, behind 2) the dog howling and 1) the blender on frappe.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">People who can't be bothered to use
their turn signal ought to be ostracized to an island full of mimes.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Joggers
don't look like they enjoy jogging all that much. In fact, they look like
they're in a bit of a hurry to get it over with.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">My
doctor asked me if I always wear my seatbelt, and I was ashamed to confess that
I take it off each night when I go to bed.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">The
Tower of Babel has resurfaced in our time via remote controls. And though
people teach of a universal remote, none are truly compatible.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Perhaps
Robin's greatest asset as a crime fighter was his uncanny ability to solve
riddles. Invariably, he would figure them out before Batman, who would
begrudgingly intone, 'Good work, ole chum." While the Boy Wonder doesn't
get much credit comparatively, he was undeniably an integral part of the
dynamic duo.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">My
personal mission statement — Wake up each morning. See also: afternoons.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I'm
simultaneously dumbfounded by but not surprised at the human predicament. I can
comfortably, if not objectively, embrace incompetence.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">There
aren't very many fat birds.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Sign
for the Keno game said "The secret to winning: You have to play the
game." Yeah, but it’s the secret to losing much more often.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Bonus
tip: You should make your passwords so you can easily type them with one hand
just in case you're ever trapped and need to defuse a bomb real fast.</span></div>
Rusty Southwickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15219593571227897865noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3750031433333592027.post-82852752747474237042013-10-21T18:22:00.000-07:002015-08-10T19:22:43.755-07:00What This is Called<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Life is good. Relatively speaking —
compared to all the other lives we have.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">A sign in front of the store said
"Open For Business." Then it struck me, so THAT'S why they're open...</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Yes, I
may be afraid to go in the water where the sharks are, but it must also be
noted they're just as reluctant to meet me on the land.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">If you haven't read my blog before, this may be a good time to start. And if you have read it, it may be a good time to stop. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Dear
Diary, I can't keep writing to you like this. After all, you're an inanimate
object and therefore can't read a dang thing I write. I hope you'll understand
— that is, if you could read this in the first place. Maybe you could get a
translator. Anyway, it's nothing personal, I assure you. Your friend always, RS</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Negative
numbers don't even exist in the material world. Thanks a lot, math, for making
life harder than it had to be.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Every day is shirt sleeve weather if
you're a polar bear.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Someone stole my identity, and they
got a job for me, so now I have to move to Virginia.</span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Just
taking up space on your screen. Because it's a human prerogative within the cyber
world, and because I have all the requisite keys on my keyboard. Plus, Mount
Everest is way too cold for my tastes. Kudos for your unwitting patronage and
your ever-silent yet palpable pleas of endorsement.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">My
controversial version of yoga is to trip and fall into a cardboard box and then
spend the next two hours trying to get out.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Fascinating
how easily one's mood can change based on the tiniest things. I went from
lugubrious to woebegone without even batting an eyelash.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">The best pets would be slugs, because
if they ever ran away you could still see them for several hours.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Half the world is crazy and the other
half is oblivious that the other half is crazy.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">This
could be me typing this, or it could be seven monkeys randomly typing on
typewriters hooked up by USB cables and produhcing jusdthe right combxiination
of charnacteyrs. (Dang it, Clarence! I told you to proofread!)</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">The
only effective method for handling tasks is to write them down on sticky notes
and then wait until they become obsolete.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I wish I had a nickel for every time I
had an appendectomy.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">A study says that only 8% of what we
worry about actually occurs. Further proof that worrying works.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">The
world's oldest man keeps dying for some reason. This could be an epidemic. Pretty
soon there won't be anyone left over 100.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Please
be green and think about the already expanding size of the universe the next
time you consider pressing the spacebar. InhabitantsForASmallerUniverse.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">People with too much time on their
hands should put more on their feet.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Just
finished reading The Communist Manifesto. They were right — not only was Marx a
communist, but he was also Marxist.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">The
most acclaimed flotation devices: 3) Landing gear tires that they probably
won't be needing anymore; 2) Complimentary beverage straw; 1) Life raft in your
carry-on.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Possession is 9/10ths of the law, so I
guess stealing it from the person who possesses it must be the other tenth.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">If
you read this sentence backwards, it will reveal that Tennessee Tuxedo was the
Penguin, and Chumly was the Walrus.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I'm promoting nothing. Please buy it
and then pay me.</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">What if those extra buttons on my
shirt fall off before the regular buttons do?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">There's too much talking in the world
and not enough sleeping. Hug a mime and take a nap.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-LPRTLfIa1iw/UmXR1Ahl7JI/AAAAAAAAByo/AkYga_BvBY8/s1600/birds07.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="245" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-LPRTLfIa1iw/UmXR1Ahl7JI/AAAAAAAAByo/AkYga_BvBY8/s400/birds07.png" width="400" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Your
lights are on, shoes are untied, shirt's inside out, button's undone, zipper's
open, caps lock is on, and hair's on fire. This would be a clear sign to punt.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Disappointingly,
mirrors are not portals into another dimension, but merely a clever way to get
us to buy other clothes.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I'm
wondering now if I might have been indoctrinated as a 1st grader into believing
that it was the vowels that were the friendly letters, plus we weren't all that
sure about y. The consensus back then being ours was not to question y, which
itself is a telltale sign of brainwashing in operation, so I am just a little
dubious.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">A society that needs sneeze guards for
salad bars is uncivilized.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">If
all the things that were overrated could just switch with the things that are
underrated, we could achieve perfect equilibrium in the universe and then go
back to sleep.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Some people have short attention
spans.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Some people.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">In
case you think geography precise, there are some fish that right now are
simultaneously in the Atlantic Ocean and the Indian Ocean. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I can understand why the little
"i" has a dot on it, but not the little "j". Some things
just don’t make sense.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">When
you wake up tomorrow morning, your day will be a blank canvas. Admire the
pristine quality of that blank canvas, and don't be a fool and put anything on it.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Mumford & Sons are nice, but then
again so was Hee Haw.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Energy
is overrated. It should be rated below naps, laziness, socket wrenches,
documentaries, litmus paper, riboflavin and anthropomorphism, in that order.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">"You can't handle the
truth!" Socrates screamed at Plato as they vigorously debated materialism.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">In
order for us to give a descriptive word of something, we need a point of
reference in mind. What describes the point of reference though?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">People you never see in the same room
together: Deepak Chopra and Boutros Boutros-Ghali.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
had my one chance. The guy at the drive-thru got distracted, and then he asked
me, "You gave me a ten, right?" I blew it... I could've said that I
gave him a million dollar bill, and then I'd be rich now, but I wasn't thinking
quickly enough. I'm betting that's how Donald Trump realized his untold wealth.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Putting
"For Official Use Only" on a company car is utter genius. That way,
nobody can steal it unless it's for company business.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
learned 1 weird trick for staying alive. You breathe out — and then this is the
weird part — you breathe in the same air you breathed out.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">What
a day. First, it started at 12:00 a.m., and then morning came and we had
weather, and I had meals and all sorts of things like that. I talked to other
people, pleasantries were exchanged, and now I've been breathing ever since I
woke up, and I really need a break. And this blinking thing won't stop. My eyes
won't make up their mind. Hope tomorrow's not like this.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Don't apologize for who you are.
Apologize for the hideous clothes you’re wearing.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Sporting events would be great if the
fans didn't have to ruin it all by showing up.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">On the question of whether God exists,
God probably gets a vote.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">If you have the chance to go to a
concert of any singer named Justin, don't roll the dice.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">When
people say “you know who you are,” are they saying that for the benefit of the
people who don’t know who they are? Because the people who know who they are
already know. I feel sad for people who don’t know who they are.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I always buy local. Products from
Earth and nothing else.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Photograviposing,
n. - The innate human tendency to bend down or lean in toward the center of a
picture being taken even though there's plenty of room all around them.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Do you believe in time travel? Aren't
we traveling through time right now?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">If you follow society, you'll end up
on the sociopath.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Crime
drama plot idea: In early part of the show, bring in the most obvious suspect
for questioning, but surprisingly have them NOT be the killer. That way it
won’t be just a 5-minute show.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-alYTm6lhVM4/UmXR4ygObTI/AAAAAAAABy0/5IryI29iSXc/s1600/dogsonparade.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-alYTm6lhVM4/UmXR4ygObTI/AAAAAAAABy0/5IryI29iSXc/s1600/dogsonparade.png" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Guilt is a very powerful emotion. It
can take up to three days to get rid of.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
dreamed that I wasn't dreaming, but I'm not sure which part to trust. However, the
non-dream was sepia-toned and closed captioned.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Cheese pizza? Why even bother? That's
like a patty melt without the patty. Just the melt.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Spoiler
alert: Tomorrow, aliens from another galaxy will invade planet Earth and
declare the Cleveland Browns NFL champions. People will be rioting in the streets.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
don't trust people who shred documents. Or who whisper. Now, a whispering
shredder… those are the worst of all.</span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Facebook promotes a game, and then
says "Warning: Highly addictive." Is that like a junkie with
compassion?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">You
might've told somebody many years ago "nothing could be further from the
truth." Since that time, whenever someone else has said it, it moves your
condition further from the truth, to where it might eventually become false.
The last three that have come in have been, in ascending order: grapes are a
vegetable, Schenectady is in Massachussetts, and Ernest Pettibone doesn't like
his wife's cooking.</span>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">How did it get to be 10:30 already?
Wait... it's p.m.??</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Christmas
and birthday presents are easy to pick out for kids, because they don't have an
income. But the only gifts you can get for grown-ups are things they wouldn't
waste their own money on.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Fifty
years from now, people will look at today's pictures and say, "How come
everybody was wearing shorts? Were there lots of basketball tournaments?"</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
like bartering with vending machines. Admittedly, they're generally pretty
stubborn, but on occasion I can get them to come down a bit. I tell them I can
get a better deal on another vending machine, and then I have the two of them
bid for it. Sometimes I work as a lender between the two, and help them take
out loans.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I don't follow the news. I try not to
let it find me either.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Maxim #417: No civilization can progress
so long as it has bagpipes.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">We
need so many TV crime dramas because there are a lot of criminal actors. I’m
thinking TV prison would just take care of the whole problem.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">If I win any posthumous awards, I want
Jodie Foster giving my speech for me.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">To disregard children is to disregard
one's own self, for we're all children relative to the forces of the universe.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Just about everyone you see has been
unconscious at some point during the last 24 hours. And yet most of them don’t
want you to see them when they’re unconscious. Something about a social stigma.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">The
curious contradictory phenomenon in which many self-proclaimed religious people
are still superstitious about non-religious ideas, and become most faithful in
knocking on wood. The dreaded Woodknocker Sect.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">There are people who are hypocritical?
That's it — I quit.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Saying "I could care less"
is actually proper if one is being facetious. So knock it off, comedy grammar
police.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">If you take the easiest way out,
you’ll also find yourself in the longest line.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">End-of-Year
Scenarios: 1) Excess cork-popping sets off wild typhoon that wipes out all
vegetation, forcing us to subsist on Hershey's kisses for three months until
the supply is depleted and we fade into the burning sunset. Or 2) The countdown
at midnight triggers a telekinetic bomb that turns us into dust mites and we
get absorbed into an unforgiving eco-friendly vacuum cleaner.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">If
you can read this, thank a teacher. If you can read this in German, then you
may want to ask for your money back.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Test statement. Do not delete,
mutilate, or spindle. Especially spindle.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">In
this digital age, it seems the only purpose of TV programming being scheduled
at specific days and times is so we're watching in unison, so we can all talk
about it the next day. TV viewers are being herded into time blocks to create
the illusion of newness, with the assurance that no one else watched it before
you.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Wow... I was just looking at my clock,
and time stood still for a second. I'm completely not kidding.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Just
knowing that identity theft is out there as a possibility has got to be one of
the biggest boosts to our collective self-esteem.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Today is Arbitrary Nothing Day.
Tomorrow is also Arbitrary Nothing Day. I say we celebrate.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-sN1ImHLMuIo/UmXR9bje0UI/AAAAAAAABy8/euN9QpBpAek/s1600/number-9.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="318" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-sN1ImHLMuIo/UmXR9bje0UI/AAAAAAAABy8/euN9QpBpAek/s320/number-9.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">We could learn a lot from children
were we not so preoccupied with teaching them.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">To
people who cough a lot: Kudos for breaking my concentration 200 times a day. If
not for you, I'd have a hard time getting distracted.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Our mission statement can beat up your
organization's mission statement.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Can
you have vim without vigor? Does vigor always come with vim? What about vim and
verisimilitude... would that work? (asking for an enemy)</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Probably
half the Internet is something trying to get your attention and fool you into
clicking on it by pretending to be something other than what it is. Boy, what a
productive bunch we are.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Saying "you guys" is
blatantly sexist. It should be more correctly stated as "you plebeian life
forms."</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Someone please invent anti-social
media.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">In
a crusade to keep our language from becoming stale, I would implore all of you
to make the following substitutions in your conversation: instead of 'good',
use 'splendid'; instead of 'stuff', use 'appurtenances'; instead of 'confused',
use 'nonplussed'; and for any verb, use the word 'boondoggle'. Let me know of
your successes or failures. And good luck...</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Japanese
characters are typically read vertically, so when they make a colon/right
parenthesis smiley face, it looks normal.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Rock bands don’t know your name so
they just refer to you as a city. They used to call me San Francisco until I
moved to Baton Rouge.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I'm
going to make free software with terms of agreement requiring the user to put
me in their will, and I'll place that part way at the end.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Don't let anyone spoil your day. They
have their own day they can spoil.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">A
slap on the back is a good thing, while a slap on the wrist is somewhat
insulting, but then a slap in the face... that's downright lousy. I guess it
all depends on where you get slapped.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Just solved a longstanding mystery of
the universe. If I’m lucky, it’ll be worth something on eBay.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">These
"when life gives you lemons" sayings are bogus. Just throw the lemons
back where they came from. You don't have to keep lemons.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">When
someone asks you what's the matter, tell them it doesn't matter. Then neither
one of you will know what either one is talking about.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Gilligan was a world explorer, albeit
a very bad one.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">That moment when you're alive for almost
a hundred years. Yeah, that one.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I think the wind is trying to tell me
something. The message is unmistakably, "Whoosh, whoosh!"</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="mso-outline-level: 1;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">If
you are not the intended recipient of this message, what you just read was
prohibited by federal law, and you should destroy all copies of it with a
blowtorch and certified explosive device, available now from Ronco.</span></div>
Rusty Southwickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15219593571227897865noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3750031433333592027.post-68036302449020405302013-09-14T23:11:00.000-07:002015-08-10T19:36:23.405-07:00Ponderous Synapses Meanderings<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">This
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">This
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<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">With
everything going viral these days, this could be the best time to make my
escape. And I'll be flanked by squirrels just in case.</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
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<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">George,
George... George of the Britains, prince to you and me...</span> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">This
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whirling dervish on amphetamines hurtling off a cliff.</span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">This
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">If
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Playing
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Wink Martindale".</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Blaze
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I'd
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Women
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Apathy
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Hope
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
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<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">The
hardest part about traversing high elevation mountain ranges is undoubtedly
getting your tongue stuck on a glacier.</span> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">This
this this this this this this this this. Sorry, my "this" button was
stuck.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Sunsets
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sunset meant you didn't get eaten that day.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">The
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Never
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
called my credit card company and told them this was a stickup, but it didn't
go as well as I had planned.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Life
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customers.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Remember
in parallel parking, the curbs are only a guideline.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-y9CupxeTVzg/UjVN0MEKigI/AAAAAAAAByE/B_ncdxYh19Y/s1600/frogumbrella.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="266" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-y9CupxeTVzg/UjVN0MEKigI/AAAAAAAAByE/B_ncdxYh19Y/s400/frogumbrella.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Learned
my lesson about not buying iPads online. Got a sweet deal for $200, only to later
find out the monitor wasn't included.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">There
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enough to take them down.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">You'll
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take. The game is rigged. Give up and go home.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Mornings
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Don't
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Reach
for your inner strength. It's possibly somewhere near your adenoids.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">The
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entertainment business?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
had never known that cooking eels was so easy. All you have to do is plug their
tail in the wall and let simmer for twenty minutes.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">In
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head start just to keep up.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Ever
have one of those days where everything you do seems to follow some mysterious
pattern of the Ming dynasty's role in ergonomics?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Had
a shaving accident today. Fell down four flights of stairs.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">You
go the whole year trying to remain unnoticed, and then something random like a
birthday completely blows your cover.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Call
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">The
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nothing.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Golfer:
Someone who’s under the impression that a ball should go in the hole simply by
virtue of it being next to the hole.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Think
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"thru" and "night" to "nite". Those gh's can really
be tough… I mean tuff.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">We
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entertained together, but we prefer to do the living part away from all our
friends. Except when we’re in college and don’t know any better.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">It
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Some
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">For
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<br /></div>
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from Sunday.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">When
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"Simon says”?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">You
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Is
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Bumper
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your honor student."</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">The
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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<br /></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I'll
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">People
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Where
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<br /></div>
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termites.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Don't
give up now. There will be plenty of time to give up later.</span></div>
Rusty Southwickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15219593571227897865noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3750031433333592027.post-52036937736823071852013-08-18T09:37:00.000-07:002015-08-10T19:45:59.184-07:00Oxidized Observations<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<![endif]--><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Whoever
said the customer is always right couldn't have been a customer, because he was
wrong.</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">A
sandwich means "on bread," a salad means "on lettuce or
greens," Mexican means "in a tortilla," and soup means "oh,
we give up!"</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">This
statement intentionally left blank. No, really, I meant to. (I wouldn't want
you to think I accidentally left it blank)</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Michael
is a nice name, except that now everyone is named Michael.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Finding
a needle in a haystack isn’t that hard if you have a match.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">When
I hear advertisers keep saying that I owe it to myself, it just depresses me
that I've put myself in so much debt.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Luckily,
insects regard our species as intelligent since their main human contact is
with children.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
bowled a 226 yesterday. My handicap is 20 frames.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I'd
accidentally told my credit card company the name of my 2nd favorite teacher, so
now I'm in a heated argument with them over who my favorite teacher really was.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
don't want to spontaneously combust. I'm really not the impulsive type.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">The
only reality program I watch is “So You Think You Can Dance in an Amazing Race
With a Bachelorette Better Than the Biggest 5th Grade Loser”. It’s a very
confusing show, but well-produced and hosted by Chuck Woolery.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Breakfast
is the most important meal of the day. That means you can go back to bed after
that.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Actor
to be launching a new stage performing career as Sean Penn & Teller. One can't
speak, and the other is Teller.</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-VqCpgwYdzow/UhD3Tt6mojI/AAAAAAAABxk/TLySPLgyTks/s1600/alookingglass.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-VqCpgwYdzow/UhD3Tt6mojI/AAAAAAAABxk/TLySPLgyTks/s320/alookingglass.jpg" width="300" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;"></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;"><br />Reward
yourself with something each day. Today I'm giving myself the Taj Mahal.</span>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Laugh,
and the world laughs with you. Sleep, and you couldn’t care less what they do.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Most
of what you read on the Internet is just derived from Latin.</span> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">If
you bring a bucketful of water to the well, you still can't take away two
bucketfuls.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Earth
1.0. Never needed an upgrade.</span> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
can read Malcolm Gladwell for hours. But I still wish he'd go home at the end
of the day.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
miss things being "swell". Has anything really been swell since the
Brady Bunch?</span> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
take great satisfaction in the notion that in some parallel universe somewhere,
the filbert is getting more notoriety than the macadamia.</span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">14th
Century real estate ads: Starter castle, conveniently nestled inside a moat.</span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
don't take advice from anyone who isn't paying me money for it, because I don't
want them to have a conflict of interests.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Psst....
You over there. Yeah, you..... Don't ask me what this means, but I was
instructed to tell you: "The albatross is on the tarmac..."</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Things
are all askew this morning. I have a feeling waking up has something to do with
it.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Haley
Mills has been an underrated actress. She should be rated just ahead of Faye
Dunaway and right behind Julia Ormond.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">A
broken clock is right twice a day, yeah, but I'm right at least four times a
day. Artificial intelligence ain't got nothin' on me...</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Conversation
amounts to minds transferring information and sentiments between one another.
Can't technology facilitate this in our sleep and save us the trouble?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">For
every thought I approve to go on my blog, there are probably a dozen more left
on the cutting room floor that I reject on moral grounds.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">News
agencies act like they're experts whenever a major economic or social
development takes place, but keep in mind that it was news to them too.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Pusillanimous.
Vernacular. Caligenous. Galvanized. Peasantry. Cellophane. Affrontery.
Mediocre. Pluribus. Words actually said in "The Wizard of Oz". Watch
for them next time.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">The
fulfillment of life may be to achieve a state where your whole being exudes,
acknowledges and is comfortable in knownothingness.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Even
dishonest people universally regard honesty as an essential moral trait which
they value in others.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Yeah,
humans are so advanced, blah-blah-blah. Self-induced 5-day work weeks with only
2 days on the weekend? Dolphins… they have 3-day weekends.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Fun
things to do if you're not me: Be yourself. (Note, however, if you are me, then
it's okay to be me)</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
don't believe in weird tricks, unless it's psychotic clown monkeys in diapers
performing magic.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
was typing this sentence a few days ago and now you're reading it, so I don't
know what the heck happened.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Every
single high school yearbook has tried to warn us that if you follow the
fashions, twenty years later you'll realize you looked like a goober, but do we
listen?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Bieber
fans who rushed the stage at his concert probably just wanted their money back.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
can smell the weekend already. It smells a lot like burnt toast.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Existence
is a glut of improbable circumstances with elaborate organisms and conscious
awareness, not fitting with any material models.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Well,
there's another 24 hours I'll never get back. And I was going to use them again
this Thursday...</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
believe in the Big Band Theory. The universe was started by Benny Goodman.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
don't wear a watch. I prefer telling time by the expiration date on my milk
carton.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Rappers
are so obsessed with rhyming. Maybe it has a lot to do with timing. Insert
something about sliming while miming, and it's a rap.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">The
only reason to be suspicious of salesmen would be if they were trying to sell
you something.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">We're
breathing about 20 miracles a minute.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
don't use an alarm in the morning. I figure if life wants me up, it'll find
some natural way. Otherwise, it's a clear sign to stay in bed.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">It
must be humiliating for a newly transplanted tree to have to be temporarily held
upright by being wired to part of an old ancestor.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">How
do we know there's such a thing as "now" if we don't even know how
long it is?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Fly
swatters are a conspiracy perpetuated by flies. They should make them in
camouflage colors, because every time I go to swat one with this neon pink one,
it gives away my cover.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">A
40 x 40 Scrabble grid with 30 tiles per rack is my only hope to ever get a
574-point word from supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
didn't really need new glasses after all — the new monitor fixed everything.
I'm completely pixilated now. Now all I need to do is take this monitor with me
everywhere I go. May need to buy some more accessories for it.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">We
have a The Home Depot in our town. Do you have a The Home Depot in your town?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Obama
is ready to send troops to go draw a red line in front of Syria.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">My
brain has been encrypted. To unlock, stand on your head while spinning and
reciting the Magna Carta backwards in French with a lisp.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Today
has been the most surreal day of my life. Then again, this has been true of each
successive day since 1997.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">"Could
it have been prevented?" i.e. - what if we lived in an alternate reality
where mistakes aren't made?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Contradictions
and paradoxes say more about the thinkers' system of thinking than they do
about the thoughts themselves.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Watching
a movie, I can’t shake the inescapable reality that the characters are mainly
interested in the story due to how much they're being compensated.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">In
a perfect world, wise sayings wouldn't outnumber wise people.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
will support anyone's efforts to become famous in place of Miley Cyrus.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Shoes
can make you taller. And people won't even notice your feet are five inches off
the ground. They'll say, "She has tall feet!"</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Star
Wars VII: The Next Generation... Lord Vader reveals to Picard, "I am your
father, Jean-Luc."</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">We
know very little. Most of what we do know is intuitive rather than reason.
Reason: a structure we built so we could say we understood it.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
don't believe in pet peeves because I don't think we should be domesticating
them.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Sean
Connery was born a couple generations too early to get on the superhero
merry-go-round, but he would've made the best Superman.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Only
say "I wish" if you plan to use your influence to make it happen. The
universe doesn't bequeath you with things so much as it is you.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Actual
meanings #438: Whatever cash you bring to Las Vegas stays in Las Vegas.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">The
label says it's made with "real lemons". I wonder if those are any
different from other kinds of lemons.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">When
did Bon Jovi jump the shark? On second thought, maybe they were just always on
the other side of the shark.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">The
best laid plans of mice and men are completely obliterated by people who have
absolutely no concept of time.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Politics
was necessitated by societies having problems behaving themselves. Celebrate
politics... a testament to man's incompetence at life.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Lying
is considered unethical, yet we celebrate fiction. For all fiction's glorious
properties, the truth isn't one of them.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">We
blame God for allowing us to destroy what He created.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">A
metaphor is a suggestion of a corollary based on a hypothetical connection that
is somehow eventually translated into being literal to demonstrate a point.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">My
sneezes sound like I'm saying "Billy Joel", so I end up paying
roughly $50 in royalties every time I catch a cold.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Words
are just there to give labels to our illusions.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Occam's
Razor presupposes we can adequately judge the varying complexities of things.
What we're actually judging is how well it correlates to our biases.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Honk
if your computer comes with a steering wheel.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Objects
in the mirror are closer than they appear, unless of course you're using a
microscope to look at it.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">The
more annoying sound a ringtone makes is directly proportional to how long it
takes its owner to answer the call.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">My
life doesn't happen in real-time, so I have to watch it later.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Most
opinions aren't worth the paper they're spoken on. Believing less of the
external world brings us closer to understanding the truth.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Lady
Gaga will go down as somebody in history.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">People
thriving in their alleged mastery of negotiating, as if the conquest over a
contemporary were the prime objective in transactions. Wow, you’re really good
at swindling other people…</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Anything
preceded by "I think" has about 5% chance of being right. And then
there's a 3% margin of error involved. Descartes was a con man!</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">What's
this about a 'hint of salt'? Is that like a sodium chloride riddle?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">People
don't realize how silly they look when they put on clown suits and perform live
at circuses.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Gubba
gubba. That's the answer to all of life's questions, and if we can only figure
out what the heck it means, we'll be sitting pretty.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Some
of my ducks aren't staying in a row. I suppose I could just lower my
expectations and try to get them in a serpentine formation.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Caveat
qui indutus est tutu: Let the man wearing a tutu beware.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">When
the recording said "Your call may be monitored for quality assurance
purposes," I had no idea it meant the NSA.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Sorry
for crashing the Internet today, everybody. I was downloading the Library of
Congress, and apparently it had something to do with bandwidth.</span></div>
Rusty Southwickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15219593571227897865noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3750031433333592027.post-25247058213755110882013-07-17T20:08:00.001-07:002015-08-10T19:24:13.353-07:00Things I Would've Said if I Were Talking<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<![endif]--><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">At
the beginning of time, a propaganda bomb exploded called the universe of
discourse.<br /><br />When
in doubt, this axiom will surely provide all the artificial confidence you need
for such an occasion.<br /><br />Unnamed
sources have confirmed that their parents didn't give them names.<br /><br />Amazon
says there's only one copy of a book in stock, but there are more on the way. I
want to know how many more are on the way.<br /><br />Views
expressed on this blog are not necessarily those of the one who typed them. In
some cases, I'm channeling Ernest Borgnine.<br /><br />"Do
you know how fast you were going?" Uh... no, officer. After Mach 4, my
speedometer is totally useless.<br /><br />I
told my psychologist I won't be able to relax until the theory of relativity
gets upgraded to a hypothesis, and she nodded in support.<br /><br />When
heaping praise on the venerable Henry Ford remember that he also invented
traffic.<br /><br />A
security patch of me is available to download which addresses some of my
vulnerabilities, like shyness and giving complete strangers ice cream cones.<br /><br />I
don't know how to get out of this rut. It's decorated so nicely, after all.<br /><br />Why
would I want to do a word search puzzle when they’ve already found them in the
dictionary?<br /><br />The
difference between family and friends is that family has better resources for
tracking you down after you move away.<br /><br />Music
was invented so that three-minute hugs wouldn't be awkward.<br /><br />You
can't hurry love. It will just have to wait in line behind infatuation and
twitterpated.<br /><br />They
have a safe in a hotel room. Because even if you can't trust the hotel staff,
they would never know how to get into their own safe.<br /><br />"I'm
having a slumber party in Berlin." "Gosh, I hope Cindy
cooperates." Things Marcia Brady would say if she were an international
spy.<br /><br />My
sleep number is -12.7, so essentially I have to sleep with the mattress on top
of me.<br /><br />The
Wicked Witch of the West must've had a bummer of a time taking showers.</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;"><br />I
was just disqualified from the Masters tournament for dropping my remote while
Tiger Woods was putting.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">The
only way to not be naive is to be aware that you are.<br /><br />Make
a real difference in the world and go out and kill a bunch of butterflies.<br /><br />While
quoting oneself, best not to overdramatize.<br /><br />Time
to rearrange my priorities: wistful, angst, lugubrious, nonplussed, verklempt,
wonky, morose. In fairness, verklempt should be third.<br /><br />Thin
people get better gas mileage — I can't believe weight loss programs aren't
using this as a marketing strategy.<br /><br />The
Associated Press will no longer refer to ancient structural sites specifically
as ruins, since this gives a connotation that the artifacts are worthless.<br /><br />Good
day so far. But then that's only because I've been postponing the inevitable
panzer attacks till dusk. Plus Wal-mart's all out of ammo.<br /><br />The
condition of being in limbo is part and parcel of mortal life. It's not
something we move past while here. We learn to cope, not avoid.</span></div>
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-0rAS1euv9kI/UedX9VL324I/AAAAAAAABwA/WMMjeXbsLYc/s1600/keyboard.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-0rAS1euv9kI/UedX9VL324I/AAAAAAAABwA/WMMjeXbsLYc/s1600/keyboard.jpg" /></a><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Checklist
for today is complete. I did at least one thing on it, and even if it was
accidental, I was the closest one to it when it happened.<br /><br />Mythbusters
has confirmed that you can roller skate in a buffalo herd, but only if you're a
buffalo.<br /><br />Al
Pacino. Al Capone. Al Gore. Al Sharpton. Al Franken. Al Roker. Guys named Al
that have had wives named Tipper.<br /><br />I
have a timeshare on a house between 3:00 and 6:00 p.m. each day. Just enough
time to move the furniture in and back out.<br /><br />If
placed in front of a firing squad, as a last request I would ask for one final
nap. Or even without the firing squad.<br /><br />People
speak of their knowledge as if it's something they personally own.<br /><br />I
hope we solve the Amelia Earhart mystery so we can finally move on to the more
fascinating Amelia Bedelia mystery.<br /><br />Someday
our views toward vomiting will make it no longer considered as a side effect,
but instead an exhilarating byproduct of medicine.<br /><br />The
sun will be extinguished in 4 billion years. That’s what happens when you think
everything revolves around you.<br /><br />Facts
are up for grabs. Everything we know is internal.<br /><br />Had
one of those dreams last night where you wake up and are sad that it's not
real. I'd been adopted by a pack of chinchillas and they made me their king.<br /><br />Is
it okay to microwave a styrofoam plate? And when it melts onto the food, can
you still eat it? Asking for a friend who didn't survive.</span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;"><br /><br />Multi-tasking
is a breeze. I can blink while thinking about not doing something, all at the
same time.<br /><br />There
are probably a few hundred thousand people in the world flossing right now.<br /><br />I
agree with everything you say except for the parts where you delve into an
anguished neurotic frenzy. Otherwise, we're on the same page.<br /><br />To
sleep, perchance to take a nap.<br /><br />Some
people have ghost writers do their writing for them. I've always been partial
to zombie writers myself.<br /><br />Install
the latest service pack of me. Includes patches to clear up my personality
defects and allows me to speak with a German accent.</span><br />
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Z12PBt3T8y4/Ueda_AvGwAI/AAAAAAAABw0/Um_JnSCzLKM/s1600/jediball.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Z12PBt3T8y4/Ueda_AvGwAI/AAAAAAAABw0/Um_JnSCzLKM/s320/jediball.jpg" width="240" /></a><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;"><br />Getting
a D+ in school was always a major insult. The message was that you basically
stunk, although ever so slightly on the good side of stunk.<br /><br />I
have a feeling I'm not going to hit my groove today until it's time to fall
asleep.<br /><br />THIS
IS NOT A JOKE!! Send me $10 and I'll make sure the sun comes up tomorrow.<br /><br />Now
just watch tomorrow will be the first day in a few billion years that the sun
doesn't come up, and I'll have egg all over my face.<br /><br />There
aren't enough heavy metal tunes about daffodils.<br /><br />I
used to be cynical until I finally realized that being realistic is the same
thing but with less effort.<br /><br />You
don't have the latest version of me. Click on my nose to upgrade.<br /><br />Some
things make no sense. Actually, nothing makes sense, but some things more so
than others.<br /><br />Got
to within about six feet of a squirrel today — closest ever been. It just froze
for about five seconds. Wouldn't pose for a photo though. Squirrel probably texted
to its friends: "Got within six feet of a human, but it seemed timid and
wouldn't follow me up the tree to play."<br /><br />Is
it vain to pluck gray hairs? Of strangers, without their permission?<br /><br />If
more people utilized Venn diagrams, the circle would be fuller.<br /><br />When
you turn the page of a book, you've increased the differential of unread to
read pages by four.<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;"><br /><br />Have
decided to fulfill a lifelong dream of raising marmots in Paraguay. The dream
ends with me falling 20 stories, but otherwise it's good.</span><br /><br />Saying
nothing good is on TV is like complaining that there's no good swimming in the
desert.<br /><br />"Thank
you for holding. Your call is very important to us. That is why we have you on
hold."<br /><br />I
have to remember to move my space shuttle out of the 3-hour parking zone at
9:00 a.m. tomorrow. Got ticketed today for 14 spaces.<br /><br />How
precise is the margin of error?<br /><br />My
car's dirty, but I don't gauge my self-worth by the condition of a pile of
metal.<br /><br />If
I were aliens from outer space, I'd attack our planet while humans were
preoccupied with fireworks. Not that I'm a whistleblower or anything.<br /><br />There
are way too many sayings. —Epicurus<br /><br />Ah,
but to quote Shakespeare and be literary by association...<br /><br />If
I could do anything over, then it wouldn't have been me.<br /><br />Simon
says breathe out... Simon says breathe in... Breathe out again... Carly Simon
says breathe out... Simon & Garfunkel say breathe out...</span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;"><br /><br />Kids
have a strange fascination with monsters, yet as we mature we move past that
and onto a more rational fixation with zombies and vampires.</span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-p26yh11l0E8/UedaTO5tiDI/AAAAAAAABws/Qg-_4SPRCHo/s1600/gumby.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-p26yh11l0E8/UedaTO5tiDI/AAAAAAAABws/Qg-_4SPRCHo/s1600/gumby.jpg" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Don't
be stuck in the thought that today is its own entity. Today is the active state
of eternity. The now is as wide open as the universe.<br /><br />A
failure to plan on your part does not constitute.... hey, I'll get back to you
later since I'm in the middle of not planning well myself.<br /><br />It
actually is possible to enjoy Justin Bieber's music, providing one is a
masochist.<br /><br />Are
all psychics mediums, or are some different sizes?<br /><br />The
universe had been smiling down on me temporarily for its 15 minutes of fame,
but now it's an obscure auto mechanic from New Jersey.<br /><br />I
do not like them, Sam I Am. I do not like green eggs and Alec Baldwin.<br /><br />Some
books just don't make good movies. Ubuntu Linux For Dummies turned out to be a
dud on screen, despite Johnny Depp's best efforts.<br /><br />Looking
back at grade school kickball, I'm somewhat surprised that no one ever
challenged the "tap tap, no erasies" clause.<br /><br />Philosophers
continue to be perplexed by the mystery of what chicken tastes like.<br /><br />Cadre
of arbitrary words disseminated on screen via impulsively futile attempt at
forming abstract dilatory concepts in a most peculiar way.<br /><br />The
best time to take a nap is when your eyes are open.<br /><br />Rugby
stadium: If you build it, they will scrum.<br /><br />I
made some strides today, but I'm not pushing my luck.<br /><br />Fun
things to do when you're omnipotent: as the magician does a disappearing trick,
make something else disappear for real.<br /><br />I
enjoy music by the artist formerly known as Prince symbol.<br /><br />Morning!
Morning! Danger, Will Robinson!<br /><br />My
computer and I are having an argument over the new hardware. It says it found
it, ignoring the obvious fact that I was the one who plugged it in.<br /><br />We
need clocks in our lives because we want the security of being told where to be
when?<br /><br />Today
was really starting out as a great day until I had to open my eyes.<br /><br />You
may be the victim of spyware, a division of Tupperware®.<br /><br />Just
because I'm hypocritical doesn't mean I can't objectively discuss what
hypocrisy is.<br /><br />My
movie review for Breaking Dawn... "It's better than Casablanca, but only
if you hate Casablanca."<br /><br />It's
so hard to go to sleep at the end of the day when your fingers are attached to
the keyboard and they won't follow you to bed.<br /><br />It's
58° right now in Oregon, but AccuWeather says it feels like 83° in Florida.</span></div>
Rusty Southwickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15219593571227897865noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3750031433333592027.post-62954873600397515382013-07-06T21:55:00.001-07:002015-08-10T19:55:20.761-07:00Hollow the Mellow Trick Code<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<![endif]--><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">An apt synopsis of what we’ve got
ourselves into (also called life) can be found ensconced somewhere comfortably
between David Horowitz’ ever-reflective platitudes and Grace Helbig’s
masterfully unintentional existential wanderings — her saving grace being she’s
too young to know just what she has yet, whereas Horowitz has admittedly grown past his
years to do much more about it. Horowitz the overly reverent and Helbig the quaintly
profane — herself a delicate tulip dipped in the mud, yet a tulip beneath it all. Vacillate
between the two and in time you’re bound to hone into your karma.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">In all, somehow they’re sending us clues.
As is every poetic author/narrator who can adeptly weave a vivid image to put
the actual into the conceptual. Transferring our world into our minds. Oh, I suppose
anyone could do the quick switch with little effort, but it merely falls right
back out, making it an agonizingly ongoing sashay of the urges. If it doesn’t
stick, it didn’t really happen.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Twitter and Facebook personalities
with hundreds of thousands of followers and into the millions. This is a thing.
Who can comprehend such devotion? Would the historical prophets have had that
many disciples? The Pope has 2.6 million followers on Twitter (though he
follows only 8 back). Kim Kardashian and Justin Bieber have considerably more
millions in their flock than the Pontiff. A final tally shows the Dalai Lama
as highest among the sages (unless you count Paris Hilton), as he’s no more
than 89th in the world with 7.2 million followers. <br /><br />Once someone has accumulated
such a mass of humanity, how could there be room for any more? Their cup is
full, yet we keep pouring. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">The celebrity status now having more
of a forum than ever to pass along its menagerie of wisdom, wit and propaganda
to an approving constituency. This conduit has us firmly plugged in to
their every whims, as if waiting for our next set of instructions. Some may
seem quite innocuous, though isn’t that just the persona they’d want to
project? </span></div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-TrPuLun8m0k/UdjrmdpD17I/AAAAAAAABvY/MS9rqqnapKo/s1600/000line1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="158" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-TrPuLun8m0k/UdjrmdpD17I/AAAAAAAABvY/MS9rqqnapKo/s400/000line1.jpg" width="560" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Aristotles Horowitz, Carlin, Loesch, Dawkins, Stewart.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">When seeking online recommendations
for accounts or blogs to follow, I’m presented with the most popular. Much too
simplistic an approach. It makes the rich richer and keeps the poor poor, plus
popularity doesn’t necessarily equate with merit anyway. What if I want to
catch people when they’re just starting out, before everyone is aware of their
name? I could hop on the next meteor before it left the station. What's big, though, isn</span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">’</span>t really that big. Popular movies… meh. Popular tunes… meh. Popular TV shows… double meh.
Popular Twitter accounts… who can keep up? If there were a hundred Penn
Jillettes, none of them would be able to squeeze out the time to notice — let
alone recognize — me. I’m invisible to Penn Jillette. I could be one of his
magic tricks.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Thinking I was in a bad episode of Hype in Space, I honestly saw a caption for a video
on a media website which read: “Hurry and watch it before it goes viral.” Huh?
Why, so you can say you saw it before other people did? Is it a race? Are we
stuck in some third grade mentality that we need to do anything and everything
to advance to the front of the line? Must. Have. Information. And sooner than
later, as well as quickly. Andele, andele…</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Alas, the family of man, almost to a
man, wants to get some credit for his circumstance, be it laudworthy or
lamentable. We want our accomplishments and our sufferings noted. The ego points us there, so it’s not all our fault. We likewise
want credit for those we know in our august circles, if only by association to
make our own stock rise. Perhaps why we adopt pet celebrity status achievers,
and hang onto them as if we’re superglued to our ideals via our imaginary rescuers.
That can’t end well.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">The most likely cadre of wisdom finds one
Eckhart Tolle the author very near the nerve center. He eloquently speaks of a new earth,
that’s parts idealistic, visionary and immediate in its cleansing capabilities. He’s subtly
and unreligiously bringing a world back toward a Savior figure it’s attempting
to dance around, yet he’s the one who knows the steps. Tolle is a moral
compass, for if the world rejects him it rejects its own nature. But even
better, he knows it’s not about himself. He doesn’t confuse the messenger with
the message. (not pictured here, as you wish)</span></div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-LqMBj6oYvps/Udjrmbq64NI/AAAAAAAABvk/WauerHBPsBs/s1600/000line2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="158" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-LqMBj6oYvps/Udjrmbq64NI/AAAAAAAABvk/WauerHBPsBs/s640/000line2.jpg" width="560" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Aristotles Sawyer, Blazer, Prager, Jillette, Berlinski.</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">In the end, have we listened to very
many great teachers in our time? Horowitz, to his credit, awakens Fyodor Dostoevsky
to this point in time to a rousing encore. A teacher invoking an erstwhile teacher, provided for
emphasis. Will it matter much? Horowitz remains skeptical, yet makes the effort
nonetheless. He does it because he feels it needed to be done, that it is part
of his genetic makeup.</span>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Meanwhile in metropolis, half the
western world hangs on political pundit Glenn Beck’s every word, while the
other half scorns him. Is he wise or just popular from provocation? He very
well may be leading an underground swell, which skates past mere politics — one
in the tradition of Gandhi or Martin Luther. Indeed, Beck once had Muse’s
“Uprising” for his show’s intro, apropos as if they had been personally
commandeered to sing for his throngs of a movement afoot. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">The inimitable Beck appears in some
circles to be a visionary in addition to a revolutionary. Oprah, in contrast,
having had a grand following for much longer, comprises a modus operandi
consisting less of grandiose causes or extended tomes. After all, she’s on a
first-name basis now. Beyonce. Madonna. Cher. Bono. (What, no Sonny?) Sting.
Prince. Seal. Liberace. Sade. Fabio. Okay, Fabio is an anomaly, an outlier… a
freak occurrence in cultural phenomena, if you will. He just won’t go away. He
keeps showing up everywhere, like he’s stalking all of us en masse. He holds
the record for a person I’ve seen in the most places without ever hearing them
talk, holding a comfortable margin over Teller and Marcel Marceau. Even in his dying days, he’ll
be showing up places in his walker, tripping over his hair. My theory is that there are in reality
about twenty Fabios, a Fabio collective, and they’re scattered all over the Earth, each
one showing up at random times to further the undying legacy of their venerated namesake.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">At closer inspection, Beck doesn’t fit
the Loser label proscribed by his political opponents who have mostly animus
toward him. For one, he doesn’t toe any party line. He publishes biographies,
novels, historical commentary, which all go to the top of the seller lists by strange coincidence, with some evangelism thrown in, and everything
he touches turns to goldline.com. His political self is only a portion of his
makeup. Admirably, he gathers scads of high profile people and various throngs
of his ilk at large weekend-long events about morality, community, social unity
and allegiance to a higher power. Everything he does points to crusade. Where is he taking
his people? Ah, never mind…</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">At any rate, the staid “Glenn” is too
basic a name to make into the singular, so he’ll need to take on some other
stylish moniker if he is to continue his quest. Maybe after a worthy cause… Blazer,
perhaps? </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Ultimately, why would we listen to all
these people? And why are George Carlin and Jon Stewart two of our time’s most
erudite philosophers? How do Cosby and Seinfeld know so much about us? Where is
our Sartre, our Hegel? If we saw one on television, would we notice? Was Paul Harvey a shooting star over the horizon, yet now forgotten? If I keep asking, will someone please raise their hand?</span></div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-wZINV4bEo6g/UdjrmxijT0I/AAAAAAAABvw/y--VfcY7BkE/s1600/000line4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="140" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-wZINV4bEo6g/UdjrmxijT0I/AAAAAAAABvw/y--VfcY7BkE/s640/000line4.jpg" width="560" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Monsieurs Fabio, Fabio, Fabio, Fabio.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Ready to burst onto the scene like gangbusters, forthright Dana Loesch (pronounced “lash”, as in
panache) of St. Louis radio fame is a crusader’s crusader. While the regular
crusaders are crusading for the common people, she’s crusading for the people
as well as the other crusaders, all at the same time. She’s in the public conscious enough to have a
national audience, and yet two weeks ago she retweeted something I tweeted to
her as well as commented on it. It was the most significant 15 seconds of fame
in my social media life, and one of her finest moments as well. I think she could be President someday, though she’s
commented to people that she doesn’t like to play nice with others, so in her mind it
wouldn’t work. Possibly a few centuries before her time. Dana, meet Galileo.</span>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Helbig, it should be pointed out, is
the first person who could easily be Madeline Kahn’s twin sister, not in an
identical sort of way, but behaviorally. Her candor and down-to-earth demeanor
allow her a vehicle to state basic sentiments others are unwilling to confront for
fear of alienating some of the paying customers, pulling it off as if she were
speaking to you as just one other person in her presence. That’s hard to do in
general terms, and nigh impossible if you’re not genuine. Dear Grace never met
pretension, for it doesn’t speak her name, oh no.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Instead of compounding meaning, she
deconstructs meaning. She’s less a comic, and more a figure being a regular
person in an amusing way while not trying to go out and impress anyone but
still ending up with better results than most comics and adding some genuine grade philosophy to her repertoire. The everyperson can identify
with her as she spews forth quasi-intellectualism. Think Russell Brand, but with an intensified charm factor way up to
11. Or Goldie Hawn with a noggin. Or Gilda Radner’s deadpan cleverly mixed with
a surprising dose of realism. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As a
result, what emanates from Helbig is authentic. Now if we could just get her
and Stewart to tone down the bleeping expletives, I don’t know, hopefully
it wouldn’t take away some of their authenticity. Pray a cable network
grabs her before HBO does, so we don’t corrupt one of our last remaining icons of this generation.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Amazing Grace generally talks rather
deliberately, not in any hurry to get to the end of a sentence. She’ll even
pause for a better word before speaking one, and do so unapologetically without
expression. This is someone comfortable in their own skin, who obviously
ordered the right size.</span></div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-cVFUPF8utzw/UdjrmUzaYJI/AAAAAAAABv0/e8FnpHbrD_c/s1600/000line3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="140" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-cVFUPF8utzw/UdjrmUzaYJI/AAAAAAAABv0/e8FnpHbrD_c/s640/000line3.jpg" width="560" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Amazing Grace, Grace, Grace, Grace, Bear.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">And yet when she wants to, like when
issuing a faux disclaimer, Grace can rattle off three sentences faster than you
can think, and then you realize you might have received some kind of subliminal message in the process. How can one’s lips move so fast, you think to yourself. Probably
some special grade of lip gloss. Oh, and Helbig has 250,000 Twitter followers.
She could start a new major city with them, being their humble ruler, as all bring fist to the chin in her signature move. I’m
guessing there wouldn’t be a whole lot of overlap with the Pope’s Twitter followers
there. Maybe we could do a study on that. But where is she taking her people? We might need to go along in order to
find out.</span>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Messages transmitting all around. And how much
are we listening? I spent over an hour this morning talking on the phone to customer service about ways to obtain my credit card</span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">’</span>s security code without the aid of having the card on my person. This quickly spiraled into a modern mystery in three acts. After battling for seven rounds, time won. I should</span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">’ve thrown the match in the first round and still gotten out with my dignity and daily agenda intact. </span>Ground control to Major Tom…</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">More apparent on the talking head radar, Blazer is
appealing to the latent spiritual yearnings of a culture being drowned out by
competing cacophonies. A mass of humanity inundated with itself, suffocating on
its own flesh. Blazer has a lot of work to do to arouse them from their slumber.
And Tolle will be in to clean up the mess when the dust finally settles. He’ll
take those who are still around to the next step, as Blazer is just a set-up
man. The Pope watches earnestly from the balcony.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Horowitz knows that his work is done
here. He hasn’t bothered anyone, and his life can be used as a template for
safekeeping. Penn has stuck a pin in the cognoscenti, and they’ve taken
notice. He’ll be performing in Vegas till the Great Awakening occurs. Dawkins
will keep us grounded to the immediate and act as an apt counterweight to the
tidings of hope. Meanwhile, Dennis Prager will ever so esoterically serve as this century’s
quintessential Aristotle for anyone who cares. It was incumbent on Harvey to pass the torch. Loesch,
she’ll have an opportunity to be President, among other things, but will reach
much higher. She’ll figure it out. It’s in her DNA. Dana’s Nascent Ascension. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Then lastly, for all her exploits, our blessed Helbig,
having taken the reductionist tack in capturing the essence of nihilistic
fervor, is a perpetual nomad of the spirits. What she wants to do with her shtick is up to
her. She can take it to the end of the line or get off at any stop of her
choosing. That’s how in control she is. Keep an eye on her for hints.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">The trick for us is to balance these
multifarious messages at just the right calibration, and shun the pretenders,
the amateurs, the charlatans, the hucksters, the ones with anything to pitch. Plug
in to the media machines at your peril. Precisely what that balance is, is
unknown. That’s why it’s a trick. If everybody were David Copperfield, nobody
would be impressed by David Copperfield. That deserves a duh. So anyway, don’t put a plethora of flour or sugar
in your recipe (and, as always, just a dash of salt), because there is
discretion in all things. Even too much of an item as indispensable as air will
hyperventilate you. Ask Fabio, he’ll tell you.</span></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
Rusty Southwickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15219593571227897865noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3750031433333592027.post-19241746887585041262013-05-11T19:59:00.000-07:002015-08-10T19:45:59.175-07:00Kaleidoscopic Realms Under Scrutiny<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<![endif]--><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Excerpted
without permission from my as yet unwritten autobiography “The Ruminator’s
Manual”, a dissertation locked away in the mental vaults.</span></i><br />
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">In a strange twist of introspection,
people are into full disclosure these days — or at least the auspices of it.
They want to come clean and be all sparkly. It lends more credibility to their
cause, particularly in an environment of discovery, sufficiently interlaced
with wild paranoiac suspicion. We feel that if we can seem like we’re being
true to ourselves by not leaving anything out, we’ll get closer to finding the
jackpot of truth where there will be fabulous prizes.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">As part of my tell-all, I must divulge
that in college I used to plagiarize from entire articles for term papers. But
then I would cleverly disguise them by changing all of the words. Passages from
scientific journals such as: “The schemata of pure concepts of understanding are
<span style="mso-bidi-font-style: italic;">a priori</span> time determinations
and as such they are a transcendental product of the pure power of imagination”
became instead: “rampant use of Paleolithic syllogism belies its direct antithesis
in hegemonic serendipity for the sake of haphazard trendsetting algorithms.” Initially,
no one suspected a thing. But over time, my professors started catching on to
what I was doing. So then I had to start writing them in foreign languages to
keep them on their toes. Unfortunately, it brought even more attention to my
papers when I began handing them in in obscure dialects of Farsi, but I
continually adapted and came out mostly unscathed, give or take a few emotional
bruises.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Mischief begets further mischief, and
so I would compensate for this wanton literary behavior of mine by sometimes
plagiarizing myself. I would frequently quote things I’d said without citing
the reference. I might say: “Someone famous once remarked…” and then I’d use
one of my own quotes without owning up to it. I figure I should be able to sue
some famous people over this if I never earn a living through normal writing. But
also it’s a potential way of applying carbon imprints. The options are still
open.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Now a confession about this blog.
Though you might not be able to tell, I’ve been plagiarizing from Noah Webster
all this time. They’re all his words, not mine. At first I thought it was a
cute little joke, but then I got power hungry and it became an obsession. I’d
pilfer an “elucidate” here or a “gallimaufry” there, and before you knew it, I
was hoarding thousands of verbs and adjectives that didn’t rightly belong to
me. I fooled myself into thinking that seldom-used terms such as “fungible”, “paucity”
and “rapscallion” were my personal possessions. I became a veritable
narcissistic Noah-do-well.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">And* so*, to* arrive* full* circle*, I*
must* give* credit* where* credit* is* due*. (*-borrowed from Webster’s 9th, 10th
and 11th Collegiate Dictionaries. I promise to give them back later.) The esteemed
lexicographers are the ones who deserve the accolades. This is not my beautiful house… This is
not my beautiful blog… In fact, my pseudo-ghost writer has been channeling Noah
Webster’s great-great-grandson for all his ideas. Same as it ever was, same
as it ever was, same as it ever was… </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">And this is not to say that I might not still be hoarding a few pet terms as we speak. I am willing to fess up, but I didn</span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">’</span>t say I was rehabilitated yet. It</span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">’s hard to stop once you start, and I expect I</span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">’ll</span> have copyright infringement cases brought against me for these discretions.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Sometimes you find you have to say
more than what is asked in order to tell the whole truth and nothing but the
truth, because surely you wouldn’t want to tell part of the falsehood and
something of the falsehood.<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"> </b>When
asked for my favorite color, such as in job interviews, biographical sketches
or counter-intelligence interrogations, part of me feels like asking if I have
to pick only one. Maybe they’re trying to trick me into saying lavender, like
my more plaintive side would be wont to do. Thus, I like to answer a question
with a more valid question. What if I happen to like all the colors in
equitable fashion? For all they know, I might be an equal opportunity hue
aficionado. Mauve needs some love, for one. And I’m continually nostalgic for
Burnt Sienna, from my early crayon days. Or Chartreuse. Also notice that I
respect these colors enough to capitalize them. And then I’m kind of partial to
Wisteria. Yet (and this is key) not so much that I shun the other just-as-worthy
selections in the process. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">It’s so hard to narrow them down, with
all these good choices. When you ask me about the color scale, it’s not
something I take lightly. So if you want to know which color I consider to be
preeminent among all the rest, I’m going to take it personally and it’s going
to require some serious introspection. Consequently, you need to be prepared
for a rather involved response. (actually, I guess this is probably true of
most any subject that one might ask of me, but let’s just start with colors for
now)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">A world without color would be rather
bland. We wouldn’t know it was bland, but it would still be bland nonetheless.
It would be a case of the bland leading the bland. In short, the quality of
bland would not be escapable.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">It’s curious to consider that Web pages
support such an ambitious dose of 16 million colors. Sounds cool to say that.
Because that would be a lot, and stuff. However, upon further review, it’s
rather nonsensical, in that our eyes can’t really differentiate anywhere near that
many colors anyway. We would be just as well off with a few thousand, but then
it wouldn’t sound as impressive. Sometimes less is more. Or usually. High
definition to creatures with relatively poor vision is much worse than
hindsight. I read that on a matchbook once. In a dream. While unconscious. So
don’t quote me on that.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">When I used to color, going way back
to my school days at Willits High, we got by nicely with a box of just 64 color
crayons, thank you very much. If a person didn’t want yellow but didn’t want
green either… voila! there was yellow-green to come in and save the day. If we
were really in a bind, we’d make up colors, such as “skin color”, the informal
color pushed by adolescents across the world. These were the epitome of shade convenience,
within the glorious rainbowic confines of a waxed writing instrument. </span></div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-xDoRg7RNFYI/UY8FR-3G4dI/AAAAAAAABt4/dcELtOQcdas/s1600/colorswirl2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-xDoRg7RNFYI/UY8FR-3G4dI/AAAAAAAABt4/dcELtOQcdas/s1600/colorswirl2.jpg" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">As we vacillate between life’s assorted
tints, many billions of people have been desperately in a search for the truth,
or something to tell them they don’t need to look. We’re in a perpetual
existential hunt for that perfect color array, which causes me to think that if
anyone had found it and were able to systematically convey his or her precise
methodology and results, everybody else would have a firm grasp on it too. That
not being the case, no one has honed in on a truth which they can adequately
convey in a definitive way that is believable in a fully public sense, because
people aren’t like that. There is no science to art, and we are a painting. Which
then means that at least up till now, the only feasible method of apprehending
the truth is through introspection, very personally, each person making the
ultimate discovery on his or her own. Souls can be guided to the precipice, but
if they are pushed off without intending to jump, they discover nothing. They
have to make the leap on their own accord. So for those who have consciously
made the leap, we’re on our way down into the mysterious canyon enjoying the
scenery and the ride together. Hang on! Anyway, much better than endlessly
deliberating up at the top.</span>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Life is a strange tapestry of highs
and lows, ins and outs. And when you think you’ve got things figured out,
another layer unravels. There’s no end to the nuances, the flavors, the angles,
the struggles, the surprises, the monotony, the bright spots, the revelations,
the moments when you connect with something or someone, and the places your
imagination will let you soar. A plethora, even. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">As with any other inquiry in the
didactic realm, this can lead into another discussion of free will vs.
determinism, with the oddsmakers placing determinism as a 6-point underdog. The
game is on determinism’s home field this year, and the home crowd is pretty
raucous, but that still doesn’t help all that much, as their team is without
many skill players, not to mention the coach is always forcing the players to
do things against their own volition.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Free will means having real options,
at least some of the time, or in some situations. Not necessarily always. Determinism
means having no options, ever. For this reason, determinists shouldn’t be allowed
to vote. On anything. After all, they think that the decision is already made
for them, so what’s the difference to them if that’s what they truly believe?
To be a determinist is to self-contradict oneself all of your life. They
believe in determinism enough to pay it allegiance, yet not enough to give it
back the reins.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Then why are there questions? No
really, why are there any questions? Why do we ask things? What is the nature
of questions? Are there other things we could ask besides questions? If I keep
asking more and more questions, does it give you the impression that I might
know the answers to them? I didn’t think so. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">I like how much of news these days is
posed in the form of a question to draw attention to it, to tease, and to
generate discussion. Questions apparently are more exciting than mere
statements on the same topics. Compare: “Is there life on other planets?” with
the less dramatic “It’s unknown if there’s life on other planets.” With the
question, it leaves it open-ended, as if someone might swoop in at the last
minute and give a definitive answer while nobody’s looking. </span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">But ultimately this means that I just
so happen to know the answer to every question, which is: “It’s unknown.” Can
the Yankees hold off Baltimore? It’s unknown. Was Miley Cyrus really in a nightclub
fight? It’s unknown. How have these celebrities aged? It’s unknown. Where are
the best travel destinations? It’s unknown. What are the movies to see this
weekend? It’s unknown. What’s the plot of Desperate Housewives? It’s unknown.
Who’s afraid of Virginia Woolf? It’s unknown. Nobody knows, and everybody’s
guessing. But they’re willing to throw the question out there for argument’s
sake, and then pretend that they hold the solution. That’s what being
provocative is all about. The question provokes interest.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">And then ever notice how “for the sake
of argument” likewise translates into “it’s unknown”? See, I told you it’s a
fun game to know ahead of time what the answer is going to be. If somebody ever
uses the qualifier “arguably” in a statement, that’s also code for “it’s
unknown.” See how easy it all is? Oops, sorry for asking it. You don’t see how
easy it is. You can’t know the magnitude of how easy a process is. And it’s likewise
unknown if these are in fact the exact droids you’re so patently obsessed with
finding. Move right along…</span></div>
Rusty Southwickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15219593571227897865noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3750031433333592027.post-9168598816473815092013-03-07T21:50:00.000-08:002015-08-10T19:46:21.427-07:00Things I Started to Think About But Decided to Write Down Instead<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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</xml><![endif]--><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">What
if it turns out Yoda wasn't wise, but just illiterate?</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">If
you read this blog, I'll nourish an ailing weasel back to health with non-habit
forming substances.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Recalibrating
synapses for optimum performance. This may take a few minutes. Please wait as
installation completes. Scanning for viruses...</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">You're
not really reading this. It's just a figment, because I myself am a figment.
Dieting is a breeze, by the way.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I'm
rather non-committal. I hold an umbrella in the rain, but I just don't open it.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">As
I groggily peer into a fresh set of days, the mock serenity of the first
morning belies an impending, inevitable cacophonous firestorm.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Tip
for getting rid of clutter... get rid of it.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">There's
nothing like a good book. There's also nothing like a rotting camel carcass in
the sweltering desert heat, but I'll take the book.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">How
many sticky notes do you need to compile before you have enough for a memoir?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
can't emphasize enough whatever it is I'm trying to say.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
sleep, therefore I am. Descartes was so close...</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Birds
must know this by now... The people species builds these clear surfaces of hard
air, and if you fly into them, the hard air wins.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
wish there were some computer command for sneeze & click. It would've come
in handy a few times.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">We're
awake for roughly 1,000 minutes per day. That's way too much pressure for me.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">People
say not to sweat things, but sweating helps to rid the body of toxins.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">My
fantasy synchronized swimming team, the Noseplugs, is in the semifinals.
Unfortunately, my star player is out with ruptured sinuses.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">If
you look askance at Anderson Cooper in just the right lighting, he could pass
for a young Larry King with gray hair.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
can't believe it's already 9:30 p.m. I'm a chronological agnostic who only
believes in afternoons.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
don't want to sound rude or anything — actually, sounding anything probably
wouldn't be all that bad, but I still don't want to sound rude.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">When
Jimmy Stewart said he could lasso the moon, I can't decide if that was
hyperbole or if Dorothy was traumatized by the flying monkeys.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
like pretending I'm only 1 foot tall, and then after I'm all done I feel like a
giant! </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">If
everything were meant to be taken literally, trail mix would have dirt in it.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
could give a TED talk. I have a black outfit.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">It
still rankles me that I have to devote about 15% of my typing allotment to
spaces. Not very resourceful at all.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">If
someone says "really" three times, that means they really, really,
really mean it.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">You
say potato, I say verisimilitude. And nobody quite understands me, but that's
the sacrifice I pay for being fond of six-syllable words.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
want to be famous enough someday to have my own fake Twitter account of myself.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">But
for an obscure reference leaving a palpable fog around its tangled quandary
much as a toting life jacket nimbly bobbing in the brine.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Civilization's
eventual downfall will be that we permitted half of our best laid plans to be
dictated by tiny lab rodents.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">My
psychologist said I have an irrational fear of Flo the Progressive lady, and
that I need to confront my fear by eating spiders.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">That
moment when you trip over your bathrobe that you forgot to take off before
going to work and find yourself faceplanted in a moat.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">It's
10:48 at night and I strangely feel like a man out of time. If this were the
Victorian Era, I'd surely be staying up later.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Not
relying on what I cognitively deduce to make sense, because it's a moving
target. Sensing what is real, though, that's more consistent.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
wake up each day with the empowering realization it's a new day that I haven't
messed up yet.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">What
actually occurs is not necessarily what was most likely, so reality is merely a
reflection of many possible outcomes, not a finality.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Some
people walk defiantly across the street in a way to suggest some roadster once
had their pappy's name on it and beat him in a duel.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
didn't write this one. I'm being forced to type this with a rubber band to my head.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Is
it unethical to hoard office supplies into Canada? It's just a stray pen, paper
clip or Post-it note here or there.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Furtive
stealth is to latent ventriloquism as myopic cytoplasm in a rancid petri dish
is to protracted weasel espionage.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Wake
me up when September ends. Either that, or before you go-go, whichever comes
first.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">How
does someone get motivated to go to a motivational seminar?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">"Chance
of showers" is code for "We're just guessing here." Yeah, I wish
I could've used "chance of showers" on some of my college exams.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Clothing,
food, cars, shopping, entertainment... all simply enthralling. But this whole
business about being alive? Meh, it's so passe'.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Artificial
intelligence in theory seems quite outlandish, though an artificial
intelligence would have precisely the same reaction.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">It's
incredible that Yes had a song about intersections with a big circle in the
middle.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I'm
friendly enough with my ear buds to call them my ear pals.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">We
just assume everyone's shoes are the same size as their feet, but chances are
most are not synchronous. Another asymmetrical dilemma.</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-L09kfw0M0S0/UTl7j5SWl_I/AAAAAAAABrs/fIl8Z7VtcsY/s1600/face07.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-L09kfw0M0S0/UTl7j5SWl_I/AAAAAAAABrs/fIl8Z7VtcsY/s1600/face07.jpg" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
woke up today and realized the only thing that changed was my state of
consciousness. Self-awareness is simply mesmerizing.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Just
when I start to reach equilibrium each day, the universe crashes the party and
says it's time for bed. I demand an alternate reality.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">If
I were as uninhibited as Jodie Foster is, I'd be an uninhibited Jodie Foster
impersonator.</span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;"><br /><br />When
the universe sends you chocolate, don't ponder over its intricacies — eat it.
Also, the universe has an enormous stash of chocolate.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;"><br />Persons
declaring they have landed from a flight as if it were something they either
accomplished or survived. I give them applause anyway.</span>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">There's
nothing like a good yawn. Or a lawnmower going off a cliff in the torrential
rain while attached to a thousand ping pong balls.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
only believe about 4% of what I read. And that's merely at random in order to
appease my yearning for an arbitrary inner symmetry.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">By
saying something is underrated, that only causes it to become overrated. Yin
and yang on the cosmic level are not to be trifled with.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
used to eat bacon all the time. Now I only eat it when I'm awake.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">People
who don't sufficiently fear Monday fail to recognize it's the gateway drug for
Tuesday.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Basking
in the aftermath of another cleverly-orchestrated mysterious daily cycle gazed
at in awe, resplendent with surreal circumstance.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">One
of the numbers in the PIN on my debit card is a ‘3’. Phew.... I feel like now I
know all of you so much better after that.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">My
involuntary processes seem to be functioning fine without being conscious of
them. The universe is practically begging me to take a nap.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Music
is the language of nature. (except for accordions and bagpipes, which are the
language of tormented vexation in a cauldron of ear wax)</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
suppose if I'm going to be alive, I might as well get paid for it.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Model
citizen is to modesty as model is to modeling clay.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Lazily
meandering overcast days suspended between the floating dream of drifting clouds
and languid pastoral effects of misty undertones.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Go
with your gut instincts. Liver instincts rarely work.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
need some closure. Would somebody accomplish something today and then tell me
about it?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">The
unassuming epithet "things are back to normal" is the most transient
of conditions, onerous of claims, and egregious of misnomers.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Don't
know whether pistachios have anything to do with the meaning of life, but I
figure I should keep eating them until I find out.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">All
my plans got derailed for the day. I was going to do nothing, and now that got
canceled.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">A
certificate of recognition is basically an acknowledgement that you exist,
although they're not committing to that being good or bad.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
remember going to school with Marty Graw. He was voted most likely to start a
parade.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Sick
people of the world, I come in peace. Don't breathe on me.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
have my phone in airplane mode. It's got little wings on it and the landing
gear is up.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I'm
not married to any ideas. I proposed, yet none of them were willing to engage
me.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Things
seem to come in threes... musketeers, little pigs, wishes, blind mice, stooges,
tenors, dog night, habits of highly defective people.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">So
far, my day is going as planned. I had scheduled breakfast first, then lunch,
and then dinner.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Having
withdrawals after getting only 9 hours of sleep last night. Will probably have
another relapse and need to sleep again tonight.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">The
word 'typewriter' is said to be the longest word using exclusively the upper
row of the keyboard. Maybe a clue for National Treasure 3?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Correct
me if I'm right, but didn't we leave Britain so we would no longer have to
speak with that accent?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Food
is underrated. It should be rated ahead of dirt and rocks. And possibly thermometers.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">It
was a dark and stormy night... The dark part was expected, while the stormy
part made it exciting.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Is
it March already? What year?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">During
the last ten seconds, I was thinking about giraffes instead of elephants.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Spent
the whole day gallivanting, and I'm not sure I even know what that is.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">My
phone's threatening me that if I don't charge the battery right now it's going
to take its apps and go home.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">There's
an underground sinister plan in the works to ensure that "I Can Dream
About You" by Dan Hartman gets played 73 trillion times.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">The
Internet is a lot like life. There are similarities and differences., although
the differences aren't big enough to offset the similarities.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">People
who crunch their tortilla chips really loudly are nature's way of pointing out
the weakest links for us to weed out.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">If
a tree falls in the forest and it lands on a philosopher, does the universe
celebrate?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">GPS
is just a more methodical way of getting lost, along with the added benefit of
having something to blame it on. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Adding
their token to Monopoly is the first step toward world domination for cats. But
on the plus side, at least we don't have to walk cats. Yet.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Installing
my consciousness on your C:\ drive... I have read and agree to all the terms
and conditions. Select one: I agree; Sure whatever.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">If.
Think. Can. Do. You. Can. If. Believe. Power. Break. Shackles. Man. Not.
Caught. Locks. Not. Constrained. Set. Self. Free. Fly. Beyond.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Still
a little groggy after my nap. The one from 2007.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Saturday
Night Live has aptly served as a vehicle of wider exposure for fledgling
comics, enabling them to remain fledgling indefinitely.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">That
caramel coconut cookie ice cream was so good it just restored my faith in
mankind. And I think I'll have some more restored tomorrow.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">The
staggering number of people who don't use their turn signals is a clear
indication we've been overtaken by poor-driving zombies.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">The
pathos of grey afternoon sky drapes itself over an unsuspecting terrain of
listless inhabitants inwardly aching for solemn reprieve.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">You
are the master of the universe. Or you were four seconds ago. Did you enjoy it?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Global
warming needs to try harder in the winter.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Reality
is that nagging thing that causes most of life's problems. In my little world,
the abstract neatly solves all parking space issues.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Pssst....
Hey you over there.... Can you spare any characters? Maybe some m's and some
v's. I need to send a text to my aunt in Toledo.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Don't
let anything hold you back. Other than your own insecurities, what's stopping
you from invading Belgium today?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">The
way I judge an insurance company is how memorable their jingle is. I'm likewise
impressed that "on your side" rhymes with "Nationwide".</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Office
banter is nature's way of allowing an outlet for people who can't tell real
jokes.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Only
trust people who are you. And even then, be a little bit suspicious.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Take
a deep breath. Take a deep breath. Take a deep breath. Take a deep breath......
Um, you were supposed to exhale between each of those.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">The
one thing people most regret not having done in their life is punch a car
salesman.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
feel sorry for tambourine players. No matter how hard they try, they'll never
be able to play as well as Tracy from the Partridge Family.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">That
moment when Darth Vader reveals to you that he's your father. And you're all,
"Shut the front door!!...."</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Caffeine
is never the answer. Naps are the answer. Trying to fool yourself into thinking
you're not tired shows disrespect to the nap.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">A
surfer was credited with riding a record 100-foot wave. Meanwhile, the wave
wasn't given any of the credit for it.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Life
isn’t really that bad, but it plays one on TV.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
love that runner's high you get when you don't run.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">The
meaning, mystery, secret and purpose of life all better be the same thing, or
I'm going to be very put out. It's hard enough to look for one.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">In
my day, we had hip hop music, and we'd draw little bunny rabbits and bounce
around the room, and then I moved on to the 2nd grade.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I've
noticed people who talk loud often have their ringtone volume set loud, while
with quieter talking people, I don't tend to hear theirs. Probably just a huge
coincidence.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">That
moment when you're reading something and you realize you're a hologram. Gets me
every time.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">19%
of people surveyed say if pressured to they would eat spumoni with chopsticks.
Margin of error in the study is +/-23%.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">My
kingdom for whatever it is you've got that you're holding back on. I'm in a
bartering mood today.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Once
you're sick, about all that's left to shoot for is receiving some semblance of
pity. You ain't got much else, ergo pity is justifiable.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Got
some closure today. It was on sale, and I was running out anyway.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">So
who's the dumb guy who thought it would be cool to put gutters in bowling??
Totally ruins my score.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
have no idea how this one got past the screeners.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Random
acts of kindness implies they occur without any conscious effort. Doesn't that
kind of defeat the whole concept of kindness?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Today
has been the most surreal day of my life. Then again, this has been true of
every successive day for about the last 14 years.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
didn't really need new glasses after all — the new monitor fixed everything.
I'm completely pixilated now. Now all I need to do is take this monitor with me
everywhere I go. May need to buy some more accessories for it.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">One
thing they'll be able to say about today's music is that it really rhymes.
Musicians are outdoing themselves on the phonetics.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Someone
in 2013 surprised by modern cultural excess. "It just snuck up on us while
we were busily imbibing reality shows and Ms. Gaga..."</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Thus
ends another day, ironically in the same place we left the last one. Could be a
coincidence, but I'm not ruling out foul play.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Universe,
if you give me three extra hours right now, I'll put in a good word for you,
and I won't compare you to other universes.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Sorry,
I broke the Internet. My bad. I was experimenting with the Artist Formerly
Known as Prince symbol in Braille. I've learned my lesson.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">There's
nothing like a hot bath, except maybe strudel and lime juice on the coast of
Greece in the spring with a slight northerly breeze.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Mornings
are for the birds, so they can get the worm. And I don't eat worms.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">It's
rather refreshing how many bands these days are putting forth a real effort to
make Nickelback look good.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">It's
considerably more difficult to write blogs underwater. No wonder more people
don't do it.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Always
have a contingency plan. And have a backup plan for that too. And then when that doesn't
work, have a good exit strategy, like punting.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">It's
a good thing we have current events and weather, otherwise we'd have no clue
what to talk about.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">What
a day. I woke up, ate a meal, went to work, ate another meal, worked some more,
ate another meal, went spelunking, then fell asleep.<br /></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Yet
another pair of my $1 genuine issue Dollar Tree sunglasses has broken. Those
things are costing me at least $2 per year.</span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Batteries
are like a tax for not using an electrical outlet.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Is
it today already? Man, time goes by fast...</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">My
personal motto to keep me inspired is "Whatever."</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">When
given a choice in life, always select "none of the above". Your
deterministic side will absolutely hate you for it.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Do
we have any absolute reference points in anything in life? When we try to
assess something, aren't we always making relative comparisons?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
have closure. And I'm at peace. Which only means someone's probably ready to
come along and totally mess up my karmic equilibrium.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">My
favorite part of the day is whenever now is.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">“You've
got to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel lucky?' Well, do ya, punk?”
inquired Elmo in a recent Sesame Street skit gone awry.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">To
be stuck in a world where most everything is either mysterious, unpredictable
or unknown is about the most wonderful thing imaginable...</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">The
explanation for phenomena we encounter is generally either gravity, entropy, or
random distribution. I have no idea what that means.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Nowadays,
if you ask someone if they've got any scruples, they'll gladly offer to give
them to you.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">The
only thing worse than a morning is to be awake in one.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Time
is a path we all travel on at some point. The present is the vehicle the living
share. Earth's scenery is what we most identify with.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">You
say potato, I say potato...... Hmmph. That didn't translate too well in print.
Maybe you had to be there colloquially.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
would be more apt to agree with you if you could first agree with yourself.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Somebody
hurry and think of fads that can replace bucket lists, tattoos and reality
shows. Don't be dissuaded even if they involve pain.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
think what I'm really lacking in my life are chums. I don't have any good chums.
I believe they became extinct in the '70s.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Please
take this statement in context.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">It
floors me that aberrations are normal.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">If
a mouse walks by today, I've decided I'm going to name it Henry.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Something
very odd about today. Twilight Zone odd. Rod Serling is narrating even, and
he's nailing it.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Reality
isn't what you think it is. It's what I think it is.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I'm
already way behind on today's agenda, so I'm just going to start tomorrow
early, if nobody particularly minds, cares, or objects.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">The
true sign of... The definition of a... You know when you have a... The only way
to... The best kind of...... Oh, I give up.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I'm
getting a lot done by skipping today and going straight to tomorrow. I wonder
if I should try the same thing tomorrow too?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
always forget whether P or Q comes first. Because in the backwards version of
the song, Q comes first. Anyway, don't spoil it for me...</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Half
the bands today think they're The Killers. Before you know it, even The Killers
are going to think they're The Killers.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">People
are so cute the way they think linearly. It's simply darling...</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">How
am I supposed to concentrate when my synapses won't stop firing?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
won't be running in the marathon this weekend after all. Actually, I don't run
marathons, but it's fun to turn things down regardless.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Another
lackluster day in a lackluster life of a lackluster person.... Man, I really
lack luster.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Solemnly
housed inside this decrepit shell, I peer out into the vastness of an external
reality wondering what lurks beyond my safe harbor.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Mornings
are like chihuahuas -- they should be exiled to Mongolia.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I'm
sure my brain is working today, but I have no way of independently verifying
it.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Bold
prediction: The sun will not come up tomorrow. Instead, it will stay right
where it is.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Brent
Musburger went all gaga over a woman in the stands. Keith Jackson would've had
the good sense to just leave it at "Whoa, Nellie!"</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
asked for curly fries at Jack in the Box, but instead they just gave me mo’
fries.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Why
do people have to disagree with each other so much? Why don't they just agree
with me and be done with it?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Turns
out we didn't really need Casey Kasem to count down songs for us. We could've
just played them and figured it out. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Mornings
are so popular with me that I make sure to have them all booked in advance.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Twitter
is an apt vehicle for freedom of expression, while Facebook is anarchy exposing
society's hindermost indulgent bloated underbelly.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Nobody
mess with me today. Mess with me on Wednesdays or Thursdays.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Is
it just me or do other people do pirhouettes and curtsies when waiting in line?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Check
your emotional baggage in at the airport for a flight to Siberia, and then you
fly to Tahiti.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">It's
unbelievably wonderful to me that there is such an incredibly amazing amount of
awesomely fabulous things. Exclamation point, even.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Nice
to see that witches are making a comeback. We wouldn't want the market to get
saturated with zombies and vampires, after all.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">If
it’s not too much trouble or if there’s some possible way to extract a modicum
from the recalcitrant finagling respite which we weave.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Every
argument is essentially a semantics argument. As if any of us could really have
any grasp of what the words intrinsically meant...</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">You're
not really living until you've done nothing and enjoyed it more than anything
else.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
told people on Facebook that it’s a gutted outpouring of bald humanity dripping
with palpable excess, and they took it as a compliment.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">This
idea hasn't developed enough yet.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Light
blue Camry, license plate number 238 YLB, your lights are on.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Being
aware there are many things I don't know, I still don't know what exactly they
are, thus how can I find out what it is I don't know?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Whenever
a sports commentator says something else should've happened, I wince. Isn't the
reason they play because "should've" means nothing?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I'll
bet you've never breathed before. (I lose a lot of bets)</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I'd
like a Snooze button without the alarm clock.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
was not born to multitask. Attempting to do anything else while breathing is
pushing it for me. At least I know my limitations.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Verklempt/angst,
verklempt/angst..... Decisions, decisions....</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">If
you remove all context from your statement, OK now I see how it could make
sense...</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Just
realized all the even numbers from 2 to 10 are homophones, while the odd
numbers are not. This could be the big break I'm looking for.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Have
you considered that 30% of all dental floss is used solely for wrapping around
fingers? How can you sleep at night with this happening?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
can't believe what you're saying because you keep using words.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">When
you're speaking with someone, that's the universe talking to you.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
haven't taken umbrage in a while, and I need something to take umbrage to.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">If
somebody ever said "Are you talkin' to me?" to me, I'd act like I
didn't know they were talking to me.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">The
more I watch TV, the more I'm impressed with not watching it.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">If
you say "mmm-bye" at the end of a phone conversation, cut it out. Try
something more dignified, like a dying cattle impersonation.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">My
fantasy yoga team has no motivation this year. They just sit around and breathe
a lot.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Had
I written “The New Colossus” edict to European immigrants, I'm thinking I
would've figured a way to fit "give me your chocolate" in there
somewhere as well.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Neil
Sedaka began his music career thinking he'd be an icon, but before the '60s
were over he'd be relegated to only the 3rd greatest Neil.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">It's
now the Chinese year of the snake, but I keep forgetting and writing year of
the dragon on my checks.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Extra
filler for your screen.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Skateboarding
isn't a crime. I wonder if gluing them to something is...</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">The
universe says you're not half bad. (it didn't say which half)</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">When
faced with a problem, remember either there's an afterlife and this won't
matter, or there's not an afterlife and this won't matter.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Don't
type and drive. Unless you type first and then drive. But don't do them both at
the sa</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Disclaimer:
The previous comment was performed by professional drivers on a closed track.
Never attempt at home.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">The
word for the day is 'laconic'. The definition of laconic is 'laconic'.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">What
if every word were a misnomer? It's a utopia I can only dream of.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Parallel
parking gets all the glory, but perpendicular parking is an underappreciated
craft in its own right that will someday get its due.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">While
an admitted fan of the Dalai Lama's, I'm still not all that pleased he's got 18
new rules that I need to live by. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
have no idea what I'm saying. My keyboard is possessed with typing gnomes who
use me as a host to feed off of blog posts.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">That
last comment was not endorsed by the gnomes. I'm contractually obligated to
make this disclaimer, as well as feed them crumpets.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Life
is like a container full of ball bearings. If you lose one, then you're only
missing one, but if you lose two, then you're missing two.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
have a controversial method of organizing e-mail. On even-numbered days, mark
them all as read. Then on odd days, put them back to unread.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">There
must be another stash of chocolate somewhere in the world. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Printers
are the gateway drug to toner.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I'm
not feeling very motivated today. I'm regarding blinking as a significant
accomplishment.<br /></span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">It's
a race to see whether I have no interest or don't care.</span></div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">99%
of a book is words you already know, rearranged.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">If
you raise the bar, by my thinking that only makes it easier to walk under.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Will
never forget when Time magazine merged with Life magazine. What was once just
Time was now Time-Life. It altered my whole outlook.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Why
is it that everybody's an expert after something occurs? Why don't we have any
experts before something occurs?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">One
seemingly insignificant mistake on the keyboard can turn out to make a pig
difference.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">My
day is going along swimmingly. I'm barely treading water.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">That
moment you realize the technical support person knows less than you do. So the
only thing to do is help them figure out your problem.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">The
NBA has announced it's fining David Stern $250k for being David Stern.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Help...
I'm trapped inside a blog and I can't get out. Somebody click your heels
together to set me free. I'll explain later.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I'm
trying to decide if I really care about the difference between 57 degrees and
54 degrees..... No, too much useless precision.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Bacon,
sugar, fat, salt, milk, eggs, strychnine... all bad for you. Is this some sort
of cruel joke?</span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">What's
Tina Turner got to do with anything?</span></div>
Rusty Southwickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15219593571227897865noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3750031433333592027.post-51877391431368087292013-02-11T22:07:00.000-08:002015-07-28T18:12:15.314-07:00Requestration For Expedited<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<![endif]--><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Dear Mr.
and/or Mrs. Blog Reader:</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">It behooves
me with great pleasures as I being very much interested in sharing of my
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your anonymousness becoming very appeals for me.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">I have
making boatload of enquiries to your embassy for locating any of my clients or
their persons. This no doubt has proving unfruitful without kumquats. I came to
know about your eminence through search I did making on internet, and I found
out you sharing similar surname with client, which is why decide to contact, in
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confiscated or declared unserviceable by stinking bank. Breathe in, wax
nostalgic and sell farm. This on valid advice by esteemed broker who I entrust
upwards 43% of all earnings plus shoehorn collection.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-TIpxLhNlY-4/URndULjMk6I/AAAAAAAABrM/WrGb0rPdjy8/s1600/000writ2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-TIpxLhNlY-4/URndULjMk6I/AAAAAAAABrM/WrGb0rPdjy8/s1600/000writ2.jpg" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">My writing
and oh it's extremely goodly, for to think? Yes I anticipated so. Please, no
beneficial complimenting necessary. English, it like second language to me.</span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"><br /><br />You wants
heaping monies, I posit. This I derive from prior knowledge of recommendation
from your hobbies by associated. I can see you being obvious man of
professionalistic integrities. As your most humblest of noble servants, I
requesting nothing from you in returns other than basic access with your
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for a someone else to removing the funds from your accounts withouts much
effortless, which is the why I needing for to test this and suches. If you keep
the dreams while credit score not high enough, this supplant them rather well
and fix okay.</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"><br />All I
requiring is honest co-operation to enable us see this dealing through. I
guarantee this is will executed under legitimate arrangement that which shall
therefore herewith protect and uphold you from any breach of law and suches.
Everything on up and up for certifiable... cross heart and hope to spit like
rabid camel. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">As history,
I been to yours country, having pleasures to ride on butterhorn at Disney’s
land. Amazing mountain roller blading, and the monster it scarred me with
muchness. Afraidly personified among my being. Likewise, watched sterling heaps
of Star Wars cinema, I have. Steeped in entertaining culture is me.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Though holding
back certained details information for security reason for now until you have
found the time to visit web’s sight as stated to enable you have an insight into
what I intend sharing with you believing that it be of your desired interest
one way or the other, and his orchestra.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">I have done of
the thorough homework and fine-tuned best ways to create you as beneficiary to
underlying funds and effect transfer accordingly. Is rest assured that them
modalities I have resolved to finalize entire project guarantees our safeties
and the wholesale resplendent successful transference of fiscal renegade deal.
In other word, bookie in waiting say all kosher for processing go out and
forward, with no worry warts.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">I know you
be surprised to read from personhood relatively unknown to you. My name it’s actual
Angus Dillinger, a member of U.S. reserve choir, which was deployed to Iraqi at
the beginning of confliction.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">I wait for
interest to help out in transaction because this is only what I achieved in my
era from peace keeping. Get back to me, having go through the mail above as to
enable us discuss in a more clarifying manner to the best of your
understanding. I will be vividly and coherent in my next message in this
regards by sending you the contact of the security company and upon successful
of the claim of the box from the security company we shall both share the total
value of the box in ratio of 50-50 as I don't stand to be greedy rascal.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">This remind
funny story as I reminisce in gloryhood. No amounts of solitude can specify my
partiality involved. As with child memory, eligible martinizing causes for abundant
gratitudes, owing simply we shall pontificate with the health wherewithal.
Happenstances aside, fluctuation resemble ergonomics in their infancies, basing
encyclopedia findings by authors via serfdom. My antennae are raised, he cried.
Do you wincing for the heck of it?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Thusly, hearkening
back salad days that where Liberace namesake reigned supreme on stilted throne,
a pastime of mine for centuries, if not minuets. Don’t rob pawn shop, they
said, or you be shooting self in foot with gun you sold them and probably buy
back later. When I listen to they what speak, it all furtively symbiotic.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">This is
favor I need when you have gotten los funds:</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">(a) Give 18%
of currency to Benji Mensah Appomattox, as he has been there for me throughout
my illness and I promised to support him in life, therefore you will take him
as your child for to raise him.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">(2) Give 70%
to charity organizations, orphanage homes, bratwurst manufacturers and churches
on my name so that my soul may be exonerated and my erstwhile legacy intact.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">(III) The
remaining 60% should be for you and others that you loves to assist.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">The World
Bank & Book of the Month Club introduced payment arrangement as to enable
our various and sundry contractors/inheritance beneficiary to receive their fund without passive
interferences. The blessed ATM card are powered by Pyrite Card Worldwide. Upon
receipt of this mail we going to load fund into ATM card and scan copy of card
to you before proceed to dispatch card directly to nominated home address so
you absolutely have nothing to paranoid all we need are prompt responses and
co-operation by heavenly grace from powers above we will have successful
transaction. If I fail to hear from you within three years, I wait a little
longer then look for other personas.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">So then why
come under which seldom reiterating for the people’s aptitude incensed that
perchance reconnaissance created but wherever and however done such causality
underneath fruition by means of lackadaisical embryonic usual yippee, said genial
maestro apprehensively speaking before living audience wild as internal wanting
preservatives, though to enhance the likeness of fluent chaps in perturbed
mannerisms.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">In interests
of full disclosure, or least partial disclosures, or semi-disclosures or form
thereof, I admitting I not good laugher beyond garden variety obligatory
chuckle, though when by myself and feel uninhibited, I laughing so hard enough
to almost hyperventilated milk through nostrils. If someone laugh all way to bank, surely it make us
happiness.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Sincerely,</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">MR. RAWLING STONES, Esq.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">DISCLAIMER:
Messaging contain confidentially informations and intention solely for humble
recipient. If you not named addressee then you ought for to cease, desist, disseminate,
distribute, review, or copy said messaging and kindly notify cinder block posthaste
upon you have received yon messaging by mistaken and obliterate it from systematic,
destroying its innards. Communications cannot guaranteeable as for secure or
error-free since information it could be intercepted, corruptible, lost, mangled,
arrive tardy, incompletion, stuck in L.A. traffic, or contain various bacterial cosmologies. Sender
therefore he not accepting liabilities for curtailed omissions or any suchlike inherent boo-boos as malapropism in content of messaging, which ostensibly arising as result of all heretofore lackluster
transmissions, habeas corpus incognito ad infinitum and so forth. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US;">And
lastly, this stick-up. Give everything in pockets and glove department.</span>Rusty Southwickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15219593571227897865noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3750031433333592027.post-85947186445707415382012-12-31T19:10:00.000-08:002015-08-10T19:38:49.083-07:00A Brief History of What Didn't Happen This Year<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<![endif]--><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">The Earth has made another 584,020,177-mile
sojourn around the sun (give or take 3 inches), which compels us annually to
mark the occasion. We have to by fiat, and because it’s in our genetic makeup
to dutifully mark anniversaries as if they meant something vital to our
survival. Other than orbital patterns and their accompanying seasonal changes,
a 365.25-day period itself is rather arbitrary, and I’m sure the constellations
had no intention of our looking to them for our frequency of paying taxes,
having birthdays, or demarcating school years or football seasons. Oh no, we’ve
gone around the sun again! That means we have to crown a new Super Bowl champion!
See, we tend to be that way and things. </span><br />
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Now we’re ready to start a new
compartment of days with a new number. Then when we’ve got ten of those, we’ll
call it a neat little decade. That way, we’ll know kind of music we’re talking about.
Everybody goes home contented as clams and happy as cows. (Larks are happy too, aren't they?)</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-2WTiZqnNASo/UOJRKjez_gI/AAAAAAAABqA/eMbyDdOVUdc/s1600/calendar2012.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-2WTiZqnNASo/UOJRKjez_gI/AAAAAAAABqA/eMbyDdOVUdc/s320/calendar2012.jpg" width="304" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Arbitrary chronomatic designations? Of course. But
then so is any time period, be it an hour, a day, or a millennium. They’re just
pretty numbers, and that’s precisely why we can’t resist them. They seem to us to carry
inherent meaning in them, if not for the fact that they were contrived by us, with us, for us and on behalf of us. Otherwise, they’re virtually dripping in intrinsicness. (Note: It would appear that my lexicon is more extensive than spell checker’s, so sue me)</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">At any rate, what was the big deal
about this 2012 glob we just encountered? We want to feel a heightened level
of importance, thus we want to attach some degree of legitimacy to our
experiences, particular the more recent ones, and so we want to encapsulate and
memorialize our latest journal of entries. Our accomplishments, our memories,
our veritable legacy, as it were. At the essence of the matter, we want to come more in touch
with our core identities, thinking we can throw a lasso around a set of unrelated random occurrences and associate ourselves with it in some adroit metaphysical maneuver. Or at least that's my initial impression at face value. And with that, we now look at a list of things that didn’t
happen in the past 12 orbits of our unassuming yet ever-chronicling moon.<br /><span style="font-size: small;"><b><br />2012 — The Year That Wasn't</b></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="color: #3d85c6;">What
didn’t happen:</span> </span></i><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Siegfried & Roy didn’t perform
complex algorithms at a Bon Jovi concert.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="color: #3d85c6;">Why
it didn’t happen:</span> </span></i><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Siegfried perhaps did, but
definitely not Roy. Somebody has to keep the operation with its feet firmly
planted on the ground, and that would be the aforementioned ever-resolute Roy.
Side note: Siegfried is admittedly partial to Rage Against the Machine. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #3d85c6;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">What
didn’t happen: </span></i></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">The world didn’t end*. (*-except in strategic
parts of New Jersey)</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="color: #3d85c6;">Why
it didn’t happen:</span> </span></i><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">The Mayans were instead merely trying
to predict when Desperate Housewives would be going into syndication, and everybody gets their knickers in a bundle. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #3d85c6;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">What
didn’t happen: </span></i></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Dick Clark didn’t do the New Year’s Eve
countdown.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #3d85c6;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Why
it didn’t happen:</span></i></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="color: #3d85c6;"> </span>He’s grown bored of the whole saga and
feigned his death so he could enter the witness protection program and live out
the rest of his days with high school buddies Elvis and George Burns in Bora Bora. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #3d85c6;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">What
didn’t happen: </span></i></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">The Cubs didn’t win the World Series.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #3d85c6;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Why
it didn’t happen:</span></i></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="color: #3d85c6;"> </span>So 1908 wasn’t good enough for
you greedy Cubs fans?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #3d85c6;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">What
didn’t happen: </span></i></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">You didn’t win the lottery. OK, so I
got lucky guessing on that one.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #3d85c6;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Why
it didn’t happen:</span></i></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="color: #3d85c6;"> </span>Because nobody wins the
lottery except for imaginary people and incredibly lucky zombies.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #3d85c6;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">What
didn’t happen: </span></i></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Penn & Teller didn’t invade
Belgium.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #3d85c6;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Why
it didn’t happen:</span></i></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="color: #3d85c6;"> </span>Penn ran into complications communicating by walkie talkie with Teller, plus they ran out of army tanks.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #3d85c6;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">What
didn’t happen: </span></i></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">A news anchor didn’t act nonchalantly
about an incredibly unextraordinary occurrence while donning a King Kong suit,
doing the backstroke on the newsdesk and singing the full lyrics to “Moving in
Stereo.”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #3d85c6;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Why
it didn’t happen:</span></i></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="color: #3d85c6;"> </span>Like they would ever act
nonchalantly about something.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #3d85c6;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">What
didn’t happen: </span></i></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">A mass exodus of squeegee operators
didn’t infiltrate a laundromat at closing time.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #3d85c6;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Why
it didn’t happen:</span></i></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"> Philosophically speaking, feasible
if but only for a glut of factors coming together in a perfect storm, so they’d
be just as likely to infiltrate an auto parts store at an undisclosed location
in the Alps. Stay tuned, because this could get quiet intriguing.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #3d85c6;"><span style="background-color: white;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">What
didn’t happen: </span></i></span></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">A diva once again didn’t make a
noteworthy song. Webster’s: noteworthy, n. — something that’s either worth
writing home about or that will matter to anyone on the planet in ten years
besides their mother.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #3d85c6;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Why
it didn’t happen:</span></i></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="color: #3d85c6;"> </span>See also: duh.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #3d85c6;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">What
didn’t happen: </span></i></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Soccer moms didn’t traverse the
Serengeti on mopeds.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #3d85c6;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Why
it didn’t happen:</span></i></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="color: #3d85c6;"> </span>They wouldn’t be caught dead
out of a mini-van, their natural habitat. So the imagination winces to consider
the unlikelihood of the event, let alone its reality.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #3d85c6;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">What
didn’t happen: </span></i></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">The fiscal cliff wasn’t averted, as lemmings catapulted to their ultimate demise.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #3d85c6;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Why
it didn’t happen:</span></i></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"> Um, the government is in
charge.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #3d85c6;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">What
didn’t happen: </span></i></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">People didn’t read blogs while looking
at this sentence without having déjà vu or flashbacks. People didn’t read blogs
while looking at that last sentence.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #3d85c6;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Why
it didn’t happen:</span></i></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="color: #3d85c6;"> </span>Just would never happen. Too
pie-in-the-sky for my pragmatic propensities. (Did I read that already? I
didn’t think so. For a minute there, I thought I might be hallucinating. Hmm. Is
it safe to come out of the parentheses yet?) Ah, thanks. A little stuffy in
there. Feel like I can breathe now…</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #3d85c6;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">What
didn’t happen: </span></i></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">We didn’t see the first woman U.S.
president.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #3d85c6;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Why
it didn’t happen:</span></i></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="color: #3d85c6;"> </span>Women are too smart to mess
with such tomfoolery or chuckwoolery.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #3d85c6;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">What
didn’t happen: </span></i></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Metallica didn’t write a song called
“Smurfs Are Our Friends.”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #3d85c6;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Why
it didn’t happen:</span></i></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"> Because Smurfs aren’t their
friends. Like it took a neurosurgeon to analyze that one.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #3d85c6;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">What
didn’t happen:</span></i></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"> I didn’t get rich and move to Paris.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #3d85c6;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Why
it didn’t happen:</span></i></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"> Paris, meh. Furthermore, Eiffel Schmeiffel.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #3d85c6;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">What
didn’t happen: </span></i></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Gerunds were not expanded to include
the word “Peking.”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #3d85c6;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Why
it didn’t happen:</span></i></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="color: #3d85c6;"> </span>Asiatic linguists were heard
all around to be saying “No Peking.” Actually, they were just in a grumpy mood. OK, so
linguists are always in a grumpy mood, but that’s beside the point.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #3d85c6;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">What
didn’t happen:</span></i></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="color: #3d85c6;"> </span>Hell didn’t freeze over.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #3d85c6;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Why
it didn’t happen:</span></i></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="color: #3d85c6;"> </span>Global warming.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #3d85c6;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">What
didn’t happen:</span></i></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="color: #3d85c6;"> </span>Reality shows didn’t exist.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #3d85c6;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Why
it didn’t happen:</span></i></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"> I continued to fail to
recognize them as part of my perpetual moratorium against inanity.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #3d85c6;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">What
didn’t happen:</span></i></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="color: #3d85c6;"> </span>Monkeys didn’t create the complete
works of Shakespeare.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #3d85c6;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Why
it didn’t happen:</span></i></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"> They were busy writing popular
romance novels.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #3d85c6;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">What
didn’t happen: </span></i></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Hypnosis wasn’t added to general
health insurance premiums.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #3d85c6;"><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Why
it didn’t happen:</span></i></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"> All in good time, once there's money in it.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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didn’t happen:</span></i></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="color: #3d85c6;"> </span>Pigs didn’t fly.</span></div>
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it didn’t happen:</span></i></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"> It was an even-numbered year.
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">And there you have it, the things that
we unfortunately didn’t see happen in our illustrious 52-week period of
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">And then my annual predictions of the
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">None.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Gee, I sure hope I’m right.</span></div>
Rusty Southwickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15219593571227897865noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3750031433333592027.post-32592590513053031322012-10-19T22:39:00.000-07:002015-08-10T19:37:28.148-07:00Ruminating 3.0 Upgrade Patch Fix<table><tbody>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;"><i>The following is required reading in order to update your synapses to the latest version of Rusted Ruminations and stay on course for any subsequent posts. Use of your own perspective is generally recommended, though you may occasionally suspend your psyche and rely on other more convenient methods as needed.</i> </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">You
are reading this statement. In a few seconds, you will no longer be reading it.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Madagascar
3 is advertising on my banana with a QR code sticker. I seriously need to fire
my publicity director.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I'd
like to propose a toast to Metta World Peace...</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Life
is coming along quite nicely, just as planned. My birthdays are occurring right
on schedule.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Hey,
you over there in the corner... what are you lookin' at on your screen? Haven't
you ever seen anyone typing before?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Realize
that you have no limits. But you may need to take a nap first.</span></div>
</td>
<td width="20"></td>
</tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Jw8L1qFHiOM/UId301sU4wI/AAAAAAAABpI/_zWkWv1OBXE/s1600/00elecc.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Jw8L1qFHiOM/UId301sU4wI/AAAAAAAABpI/_zWkWv1OBXE/s1600/00elecc.jpg" /></a></div>
<table><tbody>
<tr><td width="20"></td>
<td width="520"><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">As
always, I'm writing this in real time. So it was live when I typed it. Now
let's see if technology can keep it live.</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Lotteries
are a scam because you have to first buy the ticket, and then remember not to
set it on fire.</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">You
can tell a lot about a person by the way they do everything.</span> </span> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Does
who carry more -- Drew Carey or Drew Barrymore? And then does Drew bury more or
Drew carry more?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Don’t
ever feel authentically flattered by someone who’s seeking your money.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;"><br />For
anyone who treats me poorly, when I go back in time I'm going to reconfigure
your life history. That'll teach you to not be so crass.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">For
what shall it profit a man, if he shall win a cockroach eating contest, and
lose his own soul?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Things
cost more because we have lawyers manage them. We have lawyers manage them
because people can't be trusted. And lawyers are people.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">You
may have already won something! Then again, you didn't.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">All
'if' statements reside within the hypothetical, therefore are excursions into the
unreal. 'If’, while fascinating, is ultimately a poor diversionary substitute
for truth.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">There
should be an even number of Supreme Court Justices. What, afraid of a tie?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">The
biggest pumpkin or largest kumquat doesn't really mean anything. It doesn't
make them qualitatively better than the second-heaviest one.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Testing,
testing, 4, 9, 7...... Nope, didn't work.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Ask
your doctor if bloating, nausea, and vomiting are right for you...</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Ah,
so it's going to be one of those days... I'll see your day and raise you a
week. So take that.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
wrote this twenty minutes ago, projecting myself into the future. And then I
realized I made a typo, so I had to go back and have deja vu.</span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">My
cell phone battery charge never goes down because I always keep my phone
plugged in.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Alert/Notice/Warning/Danger:
Beware and be very afraid of things in general just to be on the safe side. Repeat as needed.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Miley
Cyrus should be incarcerated for stealing someone else's 15 minutes of fame.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
outlasted my to-do list until it became obscure. Mission accomplished.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Psychoanalysis:
People who use the word 'actually' a lot are rather insecure. That didn't count
for me using it, incidentally.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">If
life were a job, anyone possessing sanity would be considered overqualified.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Am
now taking requests for my impersonation of Bee Gees tunes sung in a Slavic
accent by a rebel mime drowning in a vat of chowder.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">It's
evident
that the inmates are running the asylum, but then I guess the bigger
question is why I'm in an asylum in the first place.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Drum
roll please... OK, keep that going for a few hours because I like the sound of
a drum roll.</span></div>
</div>
</td>
<td width="20"></td>
</tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-rQmgbJF_LvE/UId30SCTpAI/AAAAAAAABpA/Mo7k7dI_dBo/s1600/00artc.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-rQmgbJF_LvE/UId30SCTpAI/AAAAAAAABpA/Mo7k7dI_dBo/s1600/00artc.jpg" /></a></div>
<table><tbody>
<tr><td width="20"></td>
<td width="520"><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
never have chocolate before noon, but occasionally I do have it up to 11 hours
after midnight.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Stop
wearing light-blue dress shirts with beige khaki pants... It's creeping me out
thinking you very well may be an army of clones.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">The
greatest human folly is in being surprised by human folly, acting as if all
error was somehow avoidable and being human is negligence.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Even
when I don’t need to do anything there, I like going to the DMV just for the
exciting drama of the number countdown.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I'll
take the high road, you take the low road, and here's an ingenious plan —
someone else can take the middle road. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">69%
of insects surveyed say they don't like being called 'bugs'.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Yawn,
and the world yawns with you... Cough, and you are on your own.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">An
expert is someone who knows how to talk about something in a way so that other
people can't understand it.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">It
doesn't matter whether something is possible if nobody ever tries to do it.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Is
your hobby sleeping? Do you cry during comedies? Do you relate well to reality
shows? Is your favorite color gray? You may be depressed.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Actually,
great minds do not think alike. Their originality is the very thing that makes
them great.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Testing,
testing... alpha, delta, gamma..... Nope, didn't work either.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Huffington
Post headline referred to Dee Snider as a "Rock Legend." Well, I
guess everybody's a rock legend then.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">‘Like’
if you think this is Facebook.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
can't get to sleep tonight. Sure, write a song about the lion having no trouble
just to rub it in a little why don't you?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Why
can't my phone just let me enjoy the last 15% of its battery life in peace?
You'd think I was about to start a nuclear war.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">With
the many things that are always going on in the news, it almost makes you
wonder if the media gets paid by commission per story.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
went to a Rent-A-Center and asked them how much it costs to rent one of their
centers so that I can sub-rent their merchandise out to other people.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">27
years later and I've still yet to meet any woman named Kyrie. What do you have
to say for yourself, Mr. Mister?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Birds
sue Twitter over the tweet design patent. Supreme being files concurrent suit
against all avian phyla, threatens extinction.</span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
think yogurts are just making up berry names now. At least Wonka wasn't being
pretentious about it when he did it.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Leaf
blowers are just pushing their work on other people.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">What
said forth rational inside germane flotilla prospect ingratiates angioplasty
yeomanlike spectrum hoax malfeasance acquiesce and so is.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">The
weather says it's 48 degrees but it feels like 46 degrees. They must be having
a clearance sale.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Don't
try to be someone you're not... unless that's something you'd normally do.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">DVD players, CD players and tape decks all give me pause. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
found out this week that I'm addicted to placebos, and it’s irreversible. My
doctor is giving me 43 more years to live. </span></div>
</div>
</td>
<td width="20"></td>
</tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ptqFncjz098/UId31S95D7I/AAAAAAAABpM/VQHQzbiHlJs/s1600/00sunc.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-ptqFncjz098/UId31S95D7I/AAAAAAAABpM/VQHQzbiHlJs/s1600/00sunc.jpg" /></a></div>
<table><tbody>
<tr><td width="20"></td>
<td width="520"><div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">No
matter how you slice it, why on earth are you using a metaphorical knife in the
first place?</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Your
birthday is a rip-off. It's essentially an excuse for people to ignore you the
rest of the year.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I'm
Rusty, and I only somewhat approve of this sentence... but overall I'd say I'm
pretty much in favor of it if really pressed on the matter.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Whichever
civilizations have siestas, those are the ones that are closest to finding
enlightenment.</span></div>
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
saw a commercial on TV about this revolutionary new diet, and it's so exciting
to me that they've finally solved that dilemma.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">30
days hath September, April, June and November... So that means Halloween is in
October again this year.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">An
alien will probably come down from the sky and tell us that the answers to all
of life's mysteries are hidden exclusively in Oingo Boingo songs.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Peaches
& Herb have reunited. Reportedly, they both are so excited.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">The
OCD in me says cars should not be allowed on the road without hubcaps, just like
the college football helmet rule.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">We're
all famous in our own little corner. I'm the Elvis of this 2 x 2 sq. ft. of real
estate. I'm legendary right where I'm standing. This is precisely how I draw on my sense of self-worth.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Gonna
need to keep the lip gloss and super glue farther apart on the shelf so they're
not confused. Accidentally tried to bond something with lip gloss, and it just slid right off.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Marking
an e-mail as 'unread' is an unethical practice. In fact, there should be another option,
like 'unattended', or 'hullaballoo'.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Every
day, it's the same routine — awaken, bathe, get dressed, eat, drive to work,
smuggle weasels into Canada, return home, eat, sleep.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">A
room full of chimpanzees that just re-created all of Shakespeare's works are
now writing my blog for me, in the third monkey.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">I
keep having to remind myself that space is predominantly empty. And it also means
that we're totally getting shafted on furniture. Solid, my ear.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Testing,
testing... baritone, polyester, giraffe..... Nope, still didn't work. Hmm.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">At
the end of the day, talking accomplishes very little. At the beginning of the
day too.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Phyllis
Diller was still living? And now she's not?? I can only take one big surprise
per day.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Somebody's
stalking me, and if they weren't invisible it would make it much easier for me to
ditch them.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">Either
the world has gone insane or the prescription on my rose-colored glasses has
run out.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;"><i>You have now successfully completed the most current Ruminating upgrade and are thus sufficiently prepared to encounter 83% of life's most important situations. Identifying what those specific situations are will be covered at a later time. </i> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
</td>
<td width="20"></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Rusty Southwickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15219593571227897865noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3750031433333592027.post-32846747581252110722012-10-02T22:55:00.000-07:002015-08-10T19:55:20.750-07:00Topical Guise: Motif Legerdemain<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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</xml><![endif]--><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Quick, give me a topic. All right, I'll give you ten seconds if you must... Maestro, cue the orchestra for the Jeopardy! soundtrack... (Does Jeopardy! really need an exclamation point? While I enjoy the show profusely, I've never gotten so excited about Jeopardy! that I wanted to exclaim its title in a fit of jubilation. Just be on notice that if they start pulling this tactic with the nightly news broadcasts, I'll be just a tad dubious.) OK, your time is up. Whatta ya got for me? Hmm. This medium clearly is not conducive to an interchange of ideas, as I can't hear a word you're saying. Perhaps you could speak a little louder? Mime got your tongue? You can't say I didn't try to involve the reader, which would be you in this case. (I'm just guessing that it's you on a hunch)<br /><br />Life fits together in many ways that
we don’t see right away, or maybe ever. We just assume that everything is the way it is for no
particular reason when it doesn’t formally announce itself over a
loudspeaker to a vocal throng of evidence-starved wannabes, also known as us.<br /><br />And as much as the universe would suggest
otherwise, pairs figure skating has an underlying theme. The male participant, it turns out, must be
burly and stout. Meanwhile, the female she must be petite as well as aerodynamic. If not, then the Earth would spin off its
axis. This is ostensibly so the woman can be hefted by the man and twirled about through the
air with the greatest of ease. Highly patterned and verily predictable. It's so every-four-years. We get it already. </span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">How about we give them extra style points for pushing the weight envelope. Degree of difficulty extended even further to forces of nature. </span></span>Let's see Scott Hamilton and Katarina Witt as a doubles team,
because as soon as Hamilton tried to lift Witt up above him, she’d squish him into
the ice like a frozen parfait with blades sticking out. That would be worth maybe an extra 0.4 in their score for attempting to defy the laws of gravity. Considering this duo in a routine, a more plausible
hypothetical would be Witt hefting Hamilton up above her instead. Look at Scott twirl about! That’s the kind of
improvisation I would like to see. Shake it up a little bit. We can only dream. </span><br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-fTu-t0a9v7I/UGuqBQHNQuI/AAAAAAAABm8/YmgiUg9E_ZU/s1600/hamiltonwitt.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-fTu-t0a9v7I/UGuqBQHNQuI/AAAAAAAABm8/YmgiUg9E_ZU/s1600/hamiltonwitt.png" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #b45f06;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><b><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Me no lift her... More like other way around</span></b></span></span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Not only did the authorities prohibit this otherworldly scenario from playing out, but they would ultimately confiscate all photos of the two of them together, suggesting that they were never in the same room at once. Any notion that Witt and Hamilton could've ever been an item on ice is to be melted away in the burner of speculation. The propagandists even threw Kristi Yamaguchi up above the pair as a makeshift guardian angel just to distract everyone. These are not the humanoids you're looking for<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">…</span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Don't have fits</span></span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Grouping Hamiltons and Witts</span></span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">You'll soon figure out</span></span></i></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"><i>It's as good as it gets </i></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">There's a correlation — not always apparent — lingering about. Watch for it, for it can sneak up on you. Hold onto that thought. Let it take residence in your mind and pay rent, along with a last month's deposit. Mull it over. Let it simmer a skosh. You might need it later.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt;">
</span></div>
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</div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">When officers are giving somebody their
Miranda rights, if that person is already talking, do they have to wait until
that person has stopped talking so they can then say to them, “OK, now you have the
right to remain silent”? Because in that case technically they aren't currently silent, so
they can’t very well remain that way. Maybe they should tell them, “You have the
right to first become silent and then remain in that condition once you have achieved
silent status.” </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">I think they should make the whole
rights thing somewhat less specific in order to cover all possible instances: “You have the right
to either be silent or talk, or both, or neither, regardless of what you’re already
doing. You can remain or change whatever you happen to be doing at the moment,
and you will have that right based on whatever that is, e pluribus unum.”</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"><i>People talking with-out speaking<br />
People hearing with-out listening<br />
People writing songs... that voices never share<br />
No one dare... disturb the sound of silence</i> </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Then they go on to say: “Anything you
say can and will be held against you in a court of law.” Which, to me, is
essentially saying, “When you get to court, we’re going to get you any way we
can. Basically, whatever words come out of your mouth are not going to be for your benefit, so heed the words of Thumper very judiciously, e pluribus unum.” </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">On further inspection, the ‘can and will’ combination is
a curiosity, clearly a product of legalese. Let’s break it down a bit. First of
all, they’re saying “Anything you say <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">can</i>
backfire.” And then they’re also saying “Anything you say <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">will</i> backfire.” So when we combine those, we get “Anything you say
can but will anyway be held against you.” Get that? The function of the ‘can’ in that
sentence is merely nothing more than to make the person saying it sound
important, which is what most of legalese is anyway. Otherwise, ‘will’ is
already part of ‘can’, so you can’t have a ‘will’ without the ‘can’, thus all
‘wills’ are also ‘cans’. The fact that all ‘cans’ are not necessarily ‘wills’
is immaterial to this exercise, and no more than a diversion.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">So let’s double-check to make sure…</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-mXARmxylHJc/UGutgDyizqI/AAAAAAAABnQ/kfAl6olhKok/s1600/venn47.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-mXARmxylHJc/UGutgDyizqI/AAAAAAAABnQ/kfAl6olhKok/s1600/venn47.jpg" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Yep, it’s all included. Just barely, but it made it.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">So the ‘can’ part turns out to be
redundant after all. Hmmm. “Anything you say can and will and would and should and is and
otherwise does and all that be held against you…”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">And the whole court of law thing… is
this to distinguish it from a court of merriment, or possibly even the court of
ergonomics? As a person being arrested, I suppose it could get confusing as to
which court they are referring, so specifying the court of law really helps bring
it all into focus for me. “By the way, did you happen to say ‘law’, or was it
‘cole slaw’? I don’t particularly want to be called into a court of cole slaw,
just so you know. I don’t feel that I would get proper type of jurisprudence served
that way. My first preference would be the kind of court that has law in it, if
it’s not too much trouble.”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">So after we cut out all of the fat,
basically what we get is: “You have the right to do whatever you want, but just
don’t talk.” There, was that so hard?</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">The whole idea of Miranda Rights is
filled with deceptive misnomers. Police officers are required to read people their rights,
but do any of them actually read them? No, you never see that. If I get to
court, I’m going to claim that the officer didn’t read me my rights, but
instead he had the gall to recite them from memory.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">How about this one: You're under
arrest... I am? Hope it doesn't fall on me. Must people be arrested so
idiomatically? Do criminals truly appreciate the formal linguistic nuance of
their incarceration? Why not just "Hey, you're arrested"? Short and sweet, but effective. So who writes this stuff? What
backroom meetings are attorneys holding to come up with this extraneous mumbo jumbo to confuse the masses?
Somebody should complain to somebody about it.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">To shift gears a bit (from 5th into reverse), <!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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</xml><![endif]--></span></span>as we follow up on boundaries, addressing the salient point that the shapes of states are not their own.
States share shape properties with all their neighboring states. It matters how
many are around them, and it matters who got there when… The first state that was there gets to
claim the most shape credit, though natural borders like oceans and lakes were there
even before that. Delaware was the first state, but it did precious little to take
advantage of the situation, merely camping along the bay front and then putting
a short horizontal line below, a vertical line to the left, plus a small arc at the
top. We find that Delaware was quite timid as far as staking its claim and expanding its horizons. How it got to the front of the line is a mystery. It probably just pulled out in front of some other state and then went 15 miles an hour once it got on the road. Delaware could’ve
taken as much of the United States territory as it wanted, but it settled for a
small plot of land representing about 1/1900th of the entire size of what would
become the U.S. In other words, you could fit over 1,900 Delawares in the United
States. It had a chance to make a big splash, but all it did was dip its toe in to see what the water was like. Had Delawareans been big thinkers we might see a huge chunk of land extending from the Great Lakes down to the Gulf of Mexico, as one big humungous superstate that nobody would want to mess with. Such was not their vision, but they had their chance. 200 years later, because of its tiny dimensions we can't even find it on a map. It's more like Dela-where? It's the place that Waldo calls home as well as everyone in the witness protection program.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Next, Pennsylvania took the top impression of
Delaware and rested on it comfortably, and then New Jersey played off the right side of
Pennsylvania — almost like some kind of existential puzzle. This pattern followed for over a hundred years. What it all translated into in the end is that basically Utah, Oklahoma and Arizona took what was left after all the other states had chosen up sides, in literal fashion. Of the
contiguous states area, Arizona took a look at all the available options and said, “Hmmm</span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">…</span></span></span></span>”</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-bok4BnNFppo/UGuyLaKuPZI/AAAAAAAABns/fgvM4WkwEAI/s1600/usmap.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="385" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-bok4BnNFppo/UGuyLaKuPZI/AAAAAAAABns/fgvM4WkwEAI/s640/usmap.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #b45f06;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><b>OK, where should we put our state? Decisions, decisions... (circa 1912)</b></span></span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Realtors everywhere heaved a huge sigh of relief after having posted "Prime desert property" signs all over this blackened area for years and years without any kind of success. And that, my friends, is spatially how the west was finally won. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">You may think it to be trifling, but this
is precisely what nations throughout world history have fought wars over: what
shape each of them should be. If civilizations over the course of time could have
just agreed on shapes, everything would have been fine. Something so simple yet so onerous to negotiate. Someone ought to send us to our rooms with identical miniature square plots for bad behavior.</span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"><br /></span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">You inherit your environs, or is it they inherit you?</span></span></span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">To segue a tad, historians will note that back in the
‘70s, an inauspicious commercial claimed that 4 out of 5 dentists surveyed recommended
Trident for their patients who chew gum. But what did they recommend for that 1
patient who didn’t chew gum? And since when do dentists talk to their patients
about gum? “Hey, um, dude… are you a gum chewer?” And the patient replies,
“Dude! How did you know? I thought I hid it so well.” “Yeah, we keep a log of
which of our patients chew gum so that we can track these things and answer
surveys about it.”</span></div>
<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">So it turns out that for the 1 patient
who didn’t chew gum, dentists curiously recommended Hubba Bubba. To me,
this would be an even bolder claim, because then you’re saying “1 out 5
dentists surveyed recommend Hubba Bubba for their patients who don’t even chew
gum.” How cool is that? In spite of the fact that you don’t chew gum, I’m
recommending that you in fact start chewing gum. And not only that, but I want it
to be Hubba Bubba. So to summarize… if you’re already hooked, stick with
Trident. But if you’re just beginning the habit, my professional advice is to go with Hubba Bubba. That’s
what dentists are here for. That other stuff is all for show.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-N7mtJ7jLmUM/UGuuTZAXGOI/AAAAAAAABnY/MAJ45GirFFs/s1600/pairsskating2.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-N7mtJ7jLmUM/UGuuTZAXGOI/AAAAAAAABnY/MAJ45GirFFs/s1600/pairsskating2.png" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: #b45f06;"><b><span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;">Let's see the gentlemen genuflect like this without getting a hernia</span></span></b></span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Whenever I go to a new dentist, the first thing I ask them is "Can you recommend some gum for me?" And if they can't think of anything, I know I can't trust them as a competent dentist. I want an expert in the synthetic confectionery field. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Bringing this all together, think figure, think stick, think quiet, think shape. You surely have an imagination that can make them coalesce not unlike the way Oklahoma and Texas form their geometric symbiosis. <span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">You as the reader want me to bring some semblance of order to this melange and help it to have a happy ending suitable for framing. And yet not everything necessarily fits together for what we would deem as obvious reasons. Which is neither to say that they don't fit at all. </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;">Round pegs and square holes have a way of morphing into their counterbalances. <span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS","sans-serif"; font-size: 9.0pt; mso-bidi-font-size: 10.0pt;"></span></span></span></span>Which is to pose once again: Why? as well as its cousin Why Not?</span></span></span></div>
<br />
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</div>
Rusty Southwickhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15219593571227897865noreply@blogger.com0