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Friday, November 27, 2015

It's Not What You Think

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Instant oatmeal is a misnomer. I have to heat it up first.

You never see someone who is sad jumping up in the air when their picture is taken.

I agree to let this app monitor my biorhythms, taste my food, sell my clothes, and peer into my soul. Accept.

A goal not written is only a wish. And genies won't take anything in written form, which means we’re all basically out of luck.

I'm going to write a tell-all book. But first, I need a few volunteers that I can gossip about.

If there were any justice in the world, Mister Rogers would've been an announcer for monster truck ads.

Words With Friends congratulates me on reaching a certain amount of points each week, completely ignoring all of my humanitarian work.

I forgot my phone was still in airplane mode. That would explain why no one has called or texted me in the last eight months.

We should beware of wolves in sheep's clothing, as well as chihuahuas in poodles' clothing.

They always say it's an artist's rendering of how something would look. It's never an artist’s depiction of someone else's rendering. Can’t someone ever advise the artist on how they would render it, or are artists the only people who know how to render?

I like Facebook mainly for the pictures of food, as a survival technique to remind me that I need to keep eating to stay alive.

Everybody has good intentions, but the only question is for whom.

What if I don't want to agree to disagree?

If you just give me money now, I'll skip the sales pitch.

Analogies are no better than things that aren't like analogies.

Got "How to Win at Chess" only to find out my opponent had read it. Now have to get "How to Beat People Who Have Read 'How to Win at Chess' ".

5-Hour Energy drink has no sugar and only four calories, making it just as nutritious as motor oil.

Citing no other viable candidates, Mitt Romney is rumored ready to pursue his quest and get back in the ring to fight Holly Holm.

Nobody likes whiners, though strangely there are some people who like yodelers.

If knowledge truly is power, then absolute knowledge corrupts.

A tribal bushman from Africa wouldn't know that diagonal striped lines means don't park here.

Big shout out to mimes… since they can't.

When you go to a website, all the colors are produced from your own computer, not from the website.

You have more freedom in driving if you have brakes.

I never need to call in sick. I just tell them I'll be about 24 hours late.

You wouldn't need any roads if you were already where you wanted to be.

Being Canadian means always having to say you're sorrie.

Pedestrian, o, pedestrian
Gallivanting across
Nary the impetus or ambition
To reach the shore
Drowning in a sea of traffic

Lightly salted means they couldn't help themselves although they stopped before they got too carried away.

The strategies of war involve outsmarting the opposition to get them to think you'll do what you realize they're aware of what you won't do.

So when exactly is life not surreal?

Dictators, telemarketers, leafblowers, morning DJ's. People we wouldn't miss if they conveniently vanished.

Birth is your cue to start mingling. Invitations are not needed.

Why are there no philosophers named Jimmy?

Conformists are annoying because they have to be like everyone else, and nonconformists are annoying because they have to be different than everyone else.

Inanimate things do not have birthdays, because a) they weren't born; and b) they can't blow out candles.

When a person asks, "Was it something I said?", say to them, "No, that would be correctable..."

I bought twelve yogurts at 33 cents apiece. So after figuring in my two overdraft charges from that day, it comes out to $5.92 per yogurt.

Don't you hate when you get to the end of a well-constructed, thoughtful and otherwise promising joke only to find it has no punchline?

People aren't that good at making sayings. A watched pot does in fact boil. And you snooze, you actually do win.

The newsfeed said skateboarding bulldog dies of heart problems. Couldn't they have the decency to wait till the next of kin were notified first?

War happens when nations run out of other ways to communicate with one another.

I've never seen two birds run into each other.

Convince people it's entertaining to lose their money against high stakes, set up bright lights, and voila! have an industry.

People who speak in lots of acronyms think they're saving time, but all they're doing is further angering the literary gods.

If wars had referees and cheerleaders, TV and advertisers could make a killing.

Just an FYI… three capital letters and nothing else.

Life is not a spectator sport. Everyone's a pro, and everyone's on the field.

There are thousands of distinctive smells, but people can only describe a small percentage of them. Yet we have life's mysteries down solid.

If the Pope, Donald Trump and Caitlyn Jenner ever had lunch together, the media would spontaneously combust.

Panda Express' motto is: "I'm so sorry about that wait."

The etymology of every word ultimately goes back to the same words. Meaning is not intrinsic to terminology, which is a tautology.

Air is an addictive substance. Once you start, it's really hard to stop.

If you know someone who's afraid to pose a question on their own, is it all right to do it in their place? Asking for a friend…

I commonly do a few million Web searches for certain words in order to get them to become more popular in our lexicon.

Don't my Words With Friends opponents realize I've got better things to do than to wait around for them to take a break from their lives?

Leafblower guys wear earplugs, but they don't get any for us.

A marathon is tougher on slower runners because they have to run for 3 hours, while faster runners only have to run for 2 hours.

Fear is yourself believing a future will take over the present.

Standing ovations are more impressive than sitting ovations because when you sit that means you were too lazy to really mean it.
"Don't leave me all alone... take me with you!"
I always get Willem Dafoe and that other guy mixed up.

Boy doing a crossword puzzle while getting on the bathroom scale: "Another word for carcass..."
Father: "Carrion, my weighward son..."

Pseudo-intellectualism and intellectualism are competing for samehood.

Direct Message me to have me send you a thousand dollars telepathically. No strings attached.

When people say we're "beginning to understand" something, it basically means we still don't understand it and we have no idea how close we are.

Just another manic Monday... Wish it was Friday instead of Sunday... Then the next day wouldn't be manic Monday...

Those car alarms you hear going off all the time are the sound of modern technology, symbolizing our progress.

Rand Paul's campaign slogan is "Stand with Rand." But still not as good as "Sit with Mitt."

In art, if you mess up your painting, that's why they invented abstract.

Psst... that incredible stash of candy that you get all excited about every Halloween is available any time of the year for about $15.

Interviewer to player on losing team: "What kind of character does this team have?" Player: "We have none. We always give up. We don't know how to win."

What if the word "entrepreneur" were something less elegant, like maybe "hemlock", or "bobo"? It might not have quite the same appeal.

The good thing about a creative mind is it's encrypted so nobody can hack it.

Sharks are harmless creatures. They only want to eat you because they think you're a giant candy bar.

Don't correct people when they say something wrong — only correct them if they're correcting someone else.

I want to warn people approaching one another on a blind sidewalk corner, yet I also appreciate the fertile suspense such situations bring.

An auction is an attempt to get people to pay more than someone else is willing to pay.

Advancing technology means increasingly not being able to figure out how to operate what you own.

People who eat cookies before noon would probably shoot their dog if it were convenient.

The checkout clerks in grocery stores asking if you found everything all right need to be out in the aisles where all the action is.

The best way to confound your opponent in a competition is to randomly alter strategies so that even you don't know the pattern.

Pharmaceutical corporations fully support medical marijuana because it gives people more incentive to be sick.

The last generation that wasn’t freaked out by clowns has just entered retirement.

Monday, September 7, 2015

The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Redundancy

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Ice cream is a Marxist plot to ensure the bulk of grocery shopping is done within a 15-minute radius of everyone's homes.

Waterfall photos are airbrushed so we'll think the waterfalls are thin.

"And they came with their mattresses, saying 'Buy our mattresses,' but others said 'No, buy ours.' And tumult reigned throughout the land."

My skin is really sensitive. Every time I shave, it gets its feelings hurt.

Apologize even when you weren't wrong, because there's nothing better for a relationship than patronizing one another with fake feelings.

All fiction is contrived in the abstract except to the extent that it realistically portrays non-fiction.

My subconscious thinks I can find power tools in the refrigerator, so don't see why I should rely on it to reveal the mysteries of the universe.

I always feel like somebody's looking over my shoulder...... oh, it's me.

Recall alert: General Electric says it remembers making toasters back in the '90s.

Is anybody here a consultant? It doesn't matter what kind, I just need more consultants in my life.

How does American Ninja Warrior always know when it can safely go to a commercial while the next few contestants fall in the water?

It doesn't feel like Friday today. For some reason, it feels more like two days after a Russian holiday.

When all else fails, give up. All else has already failed.

Our back yard was voted "most wildlife-like" by the neighborhood animals.

I've got anxiety disorder after listening to radio ads say all day long "What are you waiting for?" And I still have no clue what I'm waiting for.

My suspicions confirmed that the blueberry is nothing more than a cleverly disguised undercover grape.
It's September already? It still seems like last September.

Idea: Bear Grylls as game show host, where all the contestants are wild animals. Please donate $20 to help me get this kickstarted.

Had Captain & Tennille instead gone by "Captain or Tennille", they could've just kept that name when Toni went to her solo career.

Individuals became overly impressed with themselves once they started manipulating powerful machines and directing vehicles at high speeds.

I feel sorry for regular salt now ever since it was just discovered this century that you can also get salt from the sea.

My pedometer tells me that shaking it all day is just as healthy as walking.

People think circular logic suits them well since it keeps conveniently bringing them back to their premise.

There are no secrets to life. Everybody's just winging it.

Your eyes do not see. Your brain sees through your eyes, but there are other mechanisms for your brain to see through as well.

My doctor gave me 46 more years to live, so I'm going to live each day like I have only 16,829 left.

The presumed symmetry or equilibrium we experience is simply two arbitrary models temporarily coinciding.

One reason scientists are the ones who discover things is that everybody else at work during the day.

Me: "Thank you. I think that takes care of everything."
Cust. Service: "Anything else I can help you with?"
Me: "Not since 5 seconds ago."

People say that a certain video is definitely worth the time. Will they also decide which purchases are worth my money or behaviors worth my integrity?

This is for when I'm too busy to write something later.

Yard sale people will never rule the world because they're incapable of making signs large enough for anyone to read.

I think I may have hallucinated driving late at night on our return trip home, though it made it more fun and helped me stay awake.

There are no exact sciences, except those in the abstract, which are imaginary. Our built-in margin of error is already at its minimum.

Saying "I could care less" is actually proper if one is being facetious. So knock it off, renegade comedy grammar police.

My mind was hacked yesterday, so now I have to come up with a new password.

If you're reading this, I predict you're a homo sapien born between 1870 and 2010. Either that, or a very tech-savvy dolphin.

Spoiler alert: There won't be a Wednesday this week, something to do with a hiccup in Earth's rotation. Should only affect subspecies.

"Who ordered take-out?"
Geometric shapes are mankind's way of imagining size, space and dimension, which we then unsuccessfully attempt to assign to the real world.

Postmodern Elizabethan Barrett...
"How dost thou complete me?
Allow me to enumerate...."

Always remember, forgetting is something you can't remember, so don't forget it.

The incessant hum bagpipes give off is an effective application of coerced neurosis.

If the store bananas are green, they'll be ready to eat in 2 days, but by then I won't be hungry and/or the world will have come to an end. Decisions, decisions...

I had a dream that everybody on Twitter was certifiably insane. And then I went to sleep.

This just in... oh, wait, it went back out again. Oh well, we'll wait for it to come back in.

I eat all my meals 24 hours late.

We're 20+ years into the Internet age and we still can't text over 160 characters, tweet over 140, or e-mail over 48,563,279,308.

Bumpers should be detachable, rubber, and worth about $100, then they wouldn't involve auto insurance. But instead, we like our cars pretty.

The aphorism about "pick your poison" is a false dilemma because if you have two bad choices you can wait until one gets picked for you.

If a discussion about artificial intelligence doesn't address matters of consciousness, then it's an artificial artificial intelligence.

It's hard not to coast when you can see the finish line and expending any effort would produce only a marginally different outcome.

Today is your best day because you don't have any other day.

How is Spider-Man supposed to eat if his mouth is covered up? Not very realistic.

The breakthrough discovery of the current music culture expertly utilized is that every word rhymes with itself.

AccuWeather's RealFeel presumes everyone feels temperature the same. It appears we now need sleep numbers for our weather too.

I need at least fifty more mattress choices before I can adequately make a decision on one that's perfect for me and will change my life.

It may seem all glamorous, but living paycheck to bank heist isn't quite what it's cracked up to be.

I'd like to raise awareness in general, nothing specific.

If the next big thing is already here, then I'd rather have the thing after that which hasn't come yet, because I know it'll be even better.

Retailers must get a special commission whenever you buy all the S'mores ingredients at once.

My phone battery is down to 7%, which in technology lingo means I'm melting.

Why is it that the things falling off a slice of pizza are always the best part? I wonder if they’re trying to escape.

The great white shark has a good publicity agent, as did Alexander and Gatsby.

Nothing anyone owned before passing from this life still belongs to them. Whatever we own now is no more than borrowing from a library.

You scratch my back, and I let you scratch my back. Because symbiosis is too complicated.

Knocked off three items from my to-do list, and it doesn't even faze me that another sixteen were added while I was doing them.

The best laid plans... if you have kids, you can throw all that out the window.

Smoke alarms are a conspiracy to get us to buy 9-volt batteries.

The Facebook Messenger app has been downloaded by over a billion people. This means about a thousand of those people are dying each hour, so be careful who you message.

Political record skipping…
1992 - Tired of politicians, will elect outsider
1996 - Tired of politicians, will elect outsider
2000 - Tired of politicians, will elect outsider
2004 - Tired of politicians, will elect outsider
2008 - Tired of politicians, will elect outsider
2012 - Tired of politicians, will elect outsider
2016 - Still tired of politicians, plan to elect an outsider but won't

Every question I ask comes with "asking for a friend" per my attorney. I'm also an attorney, and for some reason this confuses the witnesses.

Instead of getting breadsticks with my pizza, I just order extra crust.

It turns out every drink has a bouquet, including kool-aid and seltzer (together or apart).

Anything remotely associated with fruit or fruit flavors is thereby considered nutritious, up to and including the spelling of 'Froot'.

Polls reveal to us what people think regarding topics the pollsters pigeonholed them into.

I accidentally came across this website called StumbleUpon. But then they won't let me stay there, so not sure what that's about.

Web pages are nature's way of getting as much advertising to us as is humanly possible.

No, I'm not excited with anticipation. This is always how I am when there's an impending moment that will freeze your life in its tracks.

It's amazing how different colors can affect your mood. Chartreuse makes me giddy, while burnt sienna gives me the urge to invade Portugal.

The underscore (_) is a blatant conspiracy to hide characters in hyperlinks, and to make people say the word "underscore."

I can be a patient person when I need to be. I can always eat next week.

Knowledge is merely information, while awareness is knowing what to do with the information.

Looking at travel ads, every state in the U.S. is somehow a veritable paradise where one can commune with nature without limitations.

If you tabbed through all the cells in an Excel worksheet at the rate of six taps per second, it would take 90 years to finish.

You can encapsulate any profound concept within 140 characters, and still have some left over for exclamation points and emojis.

Name change suggestions for the word 'Internet': blàh-blah-blah, cybertruth tiger, vermouth, heliotrope, Buddy Lembeck, van occupanther.

"There's no such thing as ______" is only according to that perspective and experience. Negative absolutes don't make themselves known.

Allowing one's follicles to grow is not a special ability.

If you are not the intended recipient of this message, please forward it to whoever I intended it to go to, and then pay me for any damages.

Never open a book, because as soon as you do, its resale value goes down 50%.

Saturday, July 18, 2015

Cogitating Whilst Hanging From the Balcony

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Every English writer continually presses the same 26 keys on their keyboards. No wonder all these books look the same.

People spend so much time talking about what happened yesterday that they won't have anything to talk about tomorrow.

Don't place limitations on yourself. Place them on others so you can leapfrog ahead of them.

Panda Express neither sells panda meat nor is fast.

A journey of a thousand miles starts with someone pacing through the house saying, "I just know I forgot something…"

People ask how my summer is going. Why do I have to have a summer? I'm just living. Don't complicate things for me.

Truly, we'll take your word for it on those ‘before’ pictures if you’d just show us the ‘after’ pictures.

The only reason I write is so I can find out what I'm thinking.

Rules of the Road, #5297: If you can't see the driver's head above the seat in the car in front of you, it's an omen you'll be going slow for awhile.

I stole my own identity. Now nobody knows which one is really me.

Some days I don't have time to go walking, so I lend my pedometer to a friend so they can walk for me.

Cats will never be able to take over the world, because their response to gunfire on the battlefield would be "run out into the gunfire!"

My To-Do list said it's willing to settle out of court.

My phone knows the birthdays of all my contacts. What my phone doesn't know is that I don't want to know the birthdays of all my contacts.

When you win a game on a missed shot by the other team, aren't you really celebrating that they're not good enough to beat you?

Work is a verb. Yeah, and so is anthropomorphize.

My brain says "more sugar," but my will power says "OK, more sugar."

Round-Up is guaranteed to get rid of weeds until they come back.

I'm worried when people online are offering to help me improve myself. Why do they already assume there’s something wrong with me?

Some things can be both sad and funny at the same time, like a chihuahua with bronchitis.

There's no 'Z' in 'cooperation'.

If you never wash your car, it only gets dirty once.

The only things keeping toddlers from taking over the world are timeouts and not being able to reach the doorknob.

Baking cookies for someone is mankind's most cordial way of furthering one’s own ulterior motives.

If you believe in determinism, can I have your free will that you're not using?

Is there any reason not to just take a Cold-Eeze every four hours for the rest of your life?

"It's been 38 seconds since my last bite…" (applause, along with the unapologetic sound of wrappers) —Chocoholics Meeting of the Realists

I like using the shopping carts that are kiddie cars, and then I go through the store picking up hitchhikers.

The way to tell if the media is being truthful or not is to flip a coin — if it's heads or tails, they're lying.

If I could have one superpower, it would be to make everyone in the world stop fantasizing about superpowers.

The Bee Gees don't get enough credit. They need Stephen Hawking and Dalai Lama to give them more credit.

I'm a fan of anybody who's ever been in a movie, because it's not easy pretending to be real.

"Right lane must turn right" is inaccurate and needs an ‘Else’ clause. Else it will go straight. Else you will end up on the curb. Else you will be severely penalized and ridiculed and live out your days in complete solitude. Likewise, the lane itself doesn't turn at all, rather the cars do.

My fiendish plot to turn all my life coaches against each other could be the break I've been looking for to escape.

Every medication curiously has both a real name and a name it would go by in an endless wonderland of dancing and daffodils.

Knowledge is mankind's way of feeling good about not knowing anything.

Turns out my right foot is a quarter-inch shorter than my left foot. And all this time I thought I was putting my best foot forward.

I got a fortune cookie but couldn't bear to read the fortune. I don't need all that pressure.

Have yourself… a Hari little Krishna…

Best way to find a job: Randomly send invitations to 1000 people on LinkedIn. One of them will surely mistake you for someone else and hire you.

Could never sink to the level of doing livestock judging. The swimsuit competition is just too exploitative.

Editor's note: This sentence contains crude humor, which may be unsuitable for some life coaches.

I save receipts for everything. Thinking of returning the Quarter Pounder to McDonald's from last year since they left out the pickle.

I never judge a book by its cover, but rather by its paper grade, font style, and ratio of adverbs to semicolons.

I would like to create a civilization just to observe them trying to parallel park.

Why won't anybody sell me anything? I want to buy stuff! Money is falling out of my pockets as we speak. Yoo-hoo, online marketers…

Next big movie blockbuster of the summer… Spiderman: Unhyphenated.

Once a password is typed, the computer should recognize I've already put in the correct password without further requiring me to press Enter or click a button. What is it — Regis Philbin? Taunting me, waiting to see if I’ll change my mind?

Living one day at a time is overkill. We can't even live one second at a time.

Ads say if you or a loved one have experienced adverse symptoms, you may be entitled to compensation. Apparently your enemies are out of luck.

In case anyone's interested, I've successfully domesticated my inner beast. Outer beast still holding out.

My phone warns me if I'm attempting to play music above a certain safe level. Hey, phone, leave me and my death wish alone, will ya?

It would take about twenty days to count off the pixels on your computer monitor 1 second at a time.
In the end, the measure of a civilization has got to be how many of its artifacts it can secure in museums.

Red light means stop, green light means go, and yellow light means go faster.

Quick reply alternatives to "How's it going?" other than "good": “My life's a complete shambles and everyone is dead to me. How are you?”

Let's compare problems so we can reinforce who warrants the most pity and is more justified in their negative pathology.

Working on a revolutionary nature documentary called "The Revenge of Predator Rabbits — Put That in Your Easter Basket."

The ideas that appeal most to people are their own.

Professional athletes often say after losing that they just didn't do the things they were capable of. So then what the heck are we paying them for?

There's a point of diminishing returns where an excessive amount of smart turns into dumb.

So if a pilot knows the airplane is about to crash, the thinking is to not panic the passengers because… why?

Public opinion polls merely reveal to us what our illusory perceptions are.

Facebook says my soulmate is Rumplestiltskin. Is that bad? I mean for Rumplestiltskin.

If I had a time machine, I'd go back to 1873 and meet people who weren't famous.

Raisins are nature's way of saying, "Hey, whadda ya want from me??"

Why are automated phone voices almost always the grandmother persona? A 35-year-old male Jersey steel worker would carry so much more charm.

Pain is felt nowhere in your body but your brain. When you hit your thumb with a hammer, the pain is not in your thumb.

Which is more severe… acrimonious or apoplectic? Asking for a friend who is acrimonious.

Don't quote me on this, but "______________________".

We're having a yard sale today, but so far no one seems interested in buying it.

No one ever said life would be easy. Except Phil Bodenheim of Schenectady, New York, on June 17, 1968.

The problem with knowledge is those lacking the recognition that they don't possess it have no way of verifying that condition.

The radio ad said to indulge in their weekend getaway, but that restrictions apply. Even indulging has restrictions!

Samuel L. Jackson. The L stands for "loud".

The ALS bucket challenge likely saved 11 lives, and killed 14 people with buckets.

Dentists realize that checkup reminders from the dentist create psychosomatic symptoms of tooth pain, prompting the need to set up an appointment.

Verizon says I can get more value if I give them 20 more dollars each month. This value word, I don't think it means what they think it does. How about if I give them the value and they give me the 20 dollars?

The only useful calendar is a blank one.

Why do people say "Bye now"? You already know they're referring to now. Besides, they’ll never say "Bye later", so what's to confuse it with? “Bye some other unspecified time period.”

A cereal's ingredients are irrelevant. It just needs to be crunchy. And preferably have "Crunch" somewhere in the name.

Technically, every material object is disposable.

Some people advertise everything that happens to them. They're kind of like verbal junk mail.

If wine tasters can taste wine better than regular wine drinkers, who exactly are they tasting for?

I was going to say something else, but I guess I just did.

I'd like to thank all the smokers for sharing their generic incense with us at no cost.

My daily mantra: Floss like nobody's watching.

The ongoing linguistic struggle between regular citizens never referring to cars as automobiles, versus manufacturers who persist in being obtusely formal.

Now that computer mice are going exclusively to the wireless kind, therefore having no tails, can we go back to just calling them turtle shells?

Do you ever pick something up and put it in your mouth thinking it's something else? That happens to me a lot with cotton balls.

I want to opt out of my Facebook friends' birthday notifications. I only want friends who don't have birthdays.

People commonly fold their arms because they don't know where else to put them and they don't detach that easily.

Quick reply alternatives to "How's it going?" other than "good": “Couldn't be better, because I'm stuck in this rut and I'll never be better.”

My company has a 97% satisfaction guarantee. We like to keep the other 3% interesting.

Cars were invented by law enforcement because they couldn't give horses speeding tickets.

Internet Explorer commands the market share of "people who don't know how to install another browser."

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Name This Blogpost Before Kanye West Does

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Every time I see someone on their laptop or tablet, I borrow it to Google myself, just to make Google think I'm famous.

When someone says, "I've never seen anything like that in my life," clarify whether they've seen it in anyone else's life, just in case.

While I was driving I negotiated a turn, and they talked me down to 23 miles an hour.

Once you have truly learned something it becomes natural, just like falling off a bicycle.

I have the world's most secure password. It's comprised only of characters that I created myself, and it takes three months to type.

My online chess partner just played again after twelve years. It would appear I'm going to have to re-think my strategy now.

I’m a little disappointed Harper Lee doesn't seem to be fully invested in her second novel project: “To Kill a Few Hours at the Mall”.

A panorama photo is just a regular photo with the top and bottom chopped off.

Give a man a fish, and you feed him for one day. But give a fish a man, and they can make it last about two weeks.

They're making the dictionary into a movie. The only action is in the introduction when Noah Webster eats the rock monsters.

Your call is very important to us. That's why we're using a hackneyed greeting card phrase to describe our most heartfelt sentiments.

Why is it that motivational speakers tell us money doesn't bring happiness, then also offer us twenty proven tips for how to become rich?

Monday is always the hardest morning of the week to wake up, followed by a tie for first with all the other days.

In a hundred years, our life spans will be over 120 years. The trick is to make it that far so you can live that long.

I don't agree with what you're saying, but I'll defend to the death your right to tell me I'm right.

The controversial decision by UPS to outsource most of its drivers to India has backfired, official sources say.

Conformist laws of writing: When trying to be verbose, use as few words as possible.

Car commercials state that their driving is on a closed course, warning us: "do not attempt". Attempt what? Driving in circles on the interstate?

In a parallel universe somewhere, there is a Kanye Awards Show.

What if I don't want to agree to disagree? Have you ever considered that I just might want to disagree to that too?

Beware the Ides of March, especially when they sneak up on you in July.

I wish these people in the waiting room would quit coughing. Can you use a tourniquet to treat a cough?

Selfie sticks don't work. Now they tell me I have to buy a phone too.

I can't get Paloma Blanca out of my head, and now it's also infiltrated my sacroiliac.

Lawn gnomes are funny only to those who don't know any in real life.

Why do villains always seem to be selfish, bitter and mean? Why can't we have a villain who is thoughtful, grateful and kind?

The NFL has discovered all footballs since 2003 have been underinflated, so every game since then will be played over.

I ate an orange today that was labeled "80% fruit juice".

Facebook is nothing more than a temptress, who, once you 'Like' something, then tries to goad you back into unliking what you just liked.

There are no reputable people named Mikey.

I wish people would stop picking on Brian Williams. Misremembering things in exquisite detail isn't an easy task.

If you take a selfie in the mirror that shows the camera, you should be expeditiously exiled back into the Pre-Cambrian Era.

In its attempts to understand and define, humanity fools itself with precision.

90% of life is just showing up. The other 10% is taking naps.

If you like folding your arms a lot, you too can be a business executive.

We spend more time on time-saving measures than on the time they save.

Rene Russo. Cab Calloway. Fred Willard. Jimmy Carter. Prince William. Grace Helbig. People who are not Kevin Bacon.

I don't know how to react to an announcement that a famous person I've never heard of has died. I didn't even have time to miss them.

Tedium and drudgery temper and therefore work in synergy with enjoyment to help slow down the timeline for us to better absorb enjoyment.

Quick, Iranians, this is your chance while Brian Williams is powerless.

I'm having a near-death, out of body, sepia-toned deja vu experience in slow motion. It's been going on for over thirty years.

The object of LinkedIn is that if you can figure it out, you get a job.

Don't wait for your rainy day — make it rain today.

If so many people know what the key to happiness is, why do more of them keep discovering the real new answer?

Life insurance ads say you can "rest in peace", which only means they don’t want to appeal to the atheist market.

People assume hypocrites aren't sincere, but in reality everyone's a hypocrite, so it's difficult to tell which are truly insincere.

If you can anticipate impending disaster, it helps cushion the blow somewhat before you're completely annihilated.

Things to remember to say when ordering at the drive-thru... "Would it kill you to make it hot?"

Some things aren't very funny. Like dryer sheets, for example.

Not only is infinity incomprehensible to everyone, but it surpasses the collective imaginations of an infinite number of minds.

Before good customer service can happen, something first has to go wrong.

Life is already a bucket list.

The news story said "according to sources". When exactly would it not be according to sources?

Every major freeway in history has been under perpetual construction. How am I supposed to be able to relax knowing such things?

Vladimir Putin. Gwenyth Paltrow. Billy Joel. Donald Trump. People other than Kevin Bacon with 5-letter last names or industrial complexes.

It takes six months to get used to daylight saving time.

If scouts leave campsites better than they found them, in a few thousand years every campsite in the world will end up being the Taj Mahal.

When life gives you lemons, hey, maybe I like lemons.

Yesterday's tomorrow is now, and tomorrow's yesterday is now. We're living in the past and the future, and it's all now.

Life is now risk-free. If you're unsatisfied for any reason, you can give it back for a full refund, including shipping.

The difference between a bad day and a good day is often only one day. And then sometimes it's a few thousand days…
The chocolate on the edge of my mouth was left there intentionally in case I need some of it later.

Somewhere in the world, there's a person whose favorite band is Margot & the Nuclear So and So's.

When a product makes the claim of being "revolutionary," that simply means it's no different from all the other revolutionary products.

We think of ourselves as men or women more than we think of ourselves as living beings.

The bulk of what people say is balderdash. And the rest is folderol.

The ultimate aim of the news is to bring you to your knees begging for mercy while simultaneously asking for more, more, more.

The best cure for worrying is apathy. The best cure for apathy is more apathy.

The people who conclude that money can't buy happiness are the ones who were willing to carry out the experiment as a public service.

Dimensions are a concept we created to account for our perception. No model demands their existence, yet we find comfort in the assumption.

Wallowing in self-pity gets old after awhile, so you need to mix in a healthy dose of pity from external sources as well.

Does anybody really know what that song by Chicago is called, and even more importantly, does anybody really care?

In 37 states it's illegal to make carrot cake without orange frosting on it depicting a carrot and green frosting depicting the leaves.

Will be spending the next few months on a government grant studying the contrasting etymologies of "yikes" and "yipes".

The "damage" Brian Williams did at NBC was to raise too much awareness of media corruption.

Enormity of the universe and quantity of stars doesn't make a human being less relevant. Intrinsic value transcends any form of calibration.

I make sense. You don't make sense. Therefore, one of us named "you" isn't making sense.

Dyschocohaulia — Fear of having trick-or-treaters ring your doorbell when you're out of candy.

If you save 25 cents a week, in 10 years that's $130, which you could've used to buy things you'd enjoy instead of hanging onto money.

Will happily give my full allegiance to the Internet if it can produce a vintage circa 1950s photo of Burt Bacharach playing baccarat.

Daryl Dragon doesn't get quite enough notoriety in the world of musicians, but then again, he's the one who chose to wear that Captain's hat.

I should have known better than to go to the store on National Stand In Your Way Day.

Participating in athletics helps prepare youth for conflict resolution in other future endeavors, like adult softball.

Everyone at work is coughing today. I give them six minutes to live if they don't die by natural causes first.

There aren't any sharks who are aware when it's their week. We're wasting a full seven days on something that doesn't even appreciate our efforts.

Some so steeped in culture they'll be gushing over Broadway reviews even as the embers of civilization are being extinguished around them.

We made newly-developed self-parking cars to compensate for our individual newly-developed ineptness.

I seem to be nesting today, which can mean only one thing: tomorrow I molt.

People need to get along with those who want to fight them, unless these people are the ones who want to fight, then the others need to get along.

If you hope to be as the gods, their altar is the one where you must kneel.

People think life is a mystery because they don't understand what they know, as if knowledge had to have explanations.

Donald Trump won't accept my LinkedIn request. I know he's on there, because everybody who likes money is on there.

Disney resorts says: "Get the 4th night free when you stay a minimum of 4 nights.” So you don’t get the 4th night free if you only stay two nights?

We operate under the illusion that the passage of time necessarily represents progress, that humankind is de facto learning its lesson.

The pragmatic logician is fairly certain that he is mostly certain, based on his high level of confidence, which comes from his certainty.

My car has dirt on it. I can't fathom this troubling development, for I'm sure I washed it last year.

God gave us alphabets so we could spend countless hours playing games with arbitrary symbols and getting our kicks rearranging them.

He would lose an argument to a houseplant even before the houseplant had said anything.

When in doubt, use Latin to impress, for nobody who doesn't know what they're talking about would ever toy with such an elusive lexicon.

I believe!! I believe!! Sell me a mattress and transform my way of life....

If an audiobook counts as reading, then closing your eyes with the TV on does too.

When do people have the time to play games on Facebook? I barely even have time to ignore their requests.

My doctor prescribed placebos. Or maybe it was Tic-Tacs. And it could've been the lady in the cereal aisle — the signature was hard to read.

If I ever learn to moonwalk, cut my legs off.

Do the universes where parallel universes exist also have parallel universes of those universes? Science just wants to sell headache pills.

I'll bet Flo the Progressive Lady even gets on her own nerves.

Microorganisms are only allowing our species to live because we're a viable host for crumbs which sustain many of their civilizations.

Dance Like Nobody's Watching

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