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Monday, June 23, 2014

The Nameless Blog Post

Ever notice how raindrops falling on a windshield seem to go after all the open spots?

If the landscape is ugly, just photograph it in black & white and it will come out fine.

Book publishers tell writers how they're supposed to write, so why don't the publishers just write all their own books if they know how?

I found a really low plane fare. I stay home for three days and two nights for only 10 dollars round trip.

Philosophers realize the only difference between a rabbit and a bear is semantics.

Anything that seems counterintuitive probably isn't.

There are way more questions in the world than there are answers. We should stop asking questions and let the answers catch up.

He guesses? He guesses??? Elton John knows darned well that's why they call it the blues.

Mow the lawn, and it grows back. Mow the lawn, and it grows back. Mow the lawn, and it grows back. Hmmm. Clearly, mowing the lawn isn't the solution.

People assume they're good at eating just because they’ve done it every day of their life.

It didn't bother me too much when I found out Santa wasn't real, however I was rather bummed to learn there was no such thing as roast beast.

Whatever mood you're in, remember that it's going to change. So for example, if you're happy, get over it.

I finally found my niche in life. It was hiding under a rock living with a pack of chinchillas.

Caps Lock is somewhat of a misnomer in that half the time it's for unlocking. They should really fix that.

Subconscious thought doesn't use words. Words just slow us down.

Is purple a flavor? Asking for kind of a friend... more of an acquaintance, really. I guess you could say they're in the range of a chum.

Paying it forward is just a cruel multi-level marketing scheme where the last person doesn't get to do anything.

God made a civilization of people if for nothing else so He could be entertained watching them debate over His existence.

I've got an ELO song on my mind and I can't get it out of my head.

The universe is trying to communicate with you. It's saying that your dry cleaning is ready.

We should throw caution to the wind, and then make frantic preparations for the impending hurricane.

It's not who you know, but to what extent you can get them to pity you.

I hate it when someone marries their best friend, because now that’s two spots being hogged by one person.

Many people are motivated by power, or greed, or recognition, or achievement, or pleasure. Not me — I can balance all five equally.

Nobody wants to fly with vultures because their carrion baggage is frankly disgusting.

Does logic operate under the presumption that everything must abide by logic? If so, logic is impractical. If not, it's self-contradictory.

You can fit a square peg in a round hole if you push hard enough.

People in white clothes have the impression they can cook better than everyone else, as if food itself were created by them.

Charles Grodin is an underrated actor. OK, now I just made him overrated by saying that.

I prefer writing to talking since people don't try to interrupt what you're saying as you write. A reader is a better listener.

You can go ten days without food, and according to Cuisine Survivalist magazine, seventeen days without hors d'oeuvres.

Nothing can be truly personal without knowing someone well enough to love them, though love itself is not personal. So nothing is personal.

When the current generation writes its autobiographies, their profiles will look like this: "The car part I was was a radiator, for plants I was a rhododendron, and my aura was limburger cheese..."

It's often expressed that things are not as they appear. But then how do they know how they appear to us?

Remember that the Hindenburg would never have been a disaster had it first been an utter failure and not been able to get off the ground.

We're worried about computers developing artificial intelligence and they can't even improvise my password when I'm off by one key.

Instead of saying "for lack of a better word," try "for absence of a preferable expression."

Texture in food is the vital temporary sensation of 
resistance when you bite, which then allows you to isolate the taste and move your jaws.

Stephen Colbert replacing Letterman is like Marcel Marceau replacing some other mime.

I like the high that comes right after the low that follows the high on the tails of another low, but only having first been a high.

When the radio station says it's got "some Foghat" coming up, that means they'll be playing the same Foghat song they always play.

scheubeltross, n. - that nagging feeling there are 14 unidentified things you're supposed to do before you go to bed.

Now I understand why people don't get up this early in the morning — because it keeps you from staying in bed.

Primitive and modern life colliding: Not wanting to use the wipers because the raindrops on the windshield have formed an elaborate pattern I want to admire.

Cities name and label streets as if they didn't want you to find them.

Double confession: Clapton, Marley both say sheriff was gunned down by them, though insiders think Clapton was just trying to cover for his friend.

Les Schwab, why don't you just make tires that have the aroma of popcorn?

Did Alfie ever tell Dionne Warwick what's it all about?

17) Item number seventeen.

The implied anomalous phrase "life's disappointments" suggests one thinks it was supposed to otherwise be a picnic.

Hi-jacking father time: Name a week such-and-such appreciation or awareness week and you're arbitrarily assigned credibility with the calendar.

Here's a 5 dollar coupon off the next sentence. Not redeemable with international treaties. By using this coupon you consent to hand over your full estate.

How to get someone to e-mail you less often: Reply by changing some of their original words, then say, "I didn't understand what you said." Also put a few strategic typos in for them so they think they've already lowered their credibility with you.

When people say they just have one thing to say, ask them: "Ever?"

Children enter life's bewilderment stage once old enough to ponder why rabbits would hide colored eggs and then people celebrate it.

Saying there's a fool born every minute is a blatantly babyist remark.

We feel a continual need to go behind the scenes due to an instinctive realization that the scenes themselves are no more than a ruse.

People talking amongst themselves: "I can't believe this guy is quoting us on his blog..."

Think of all the small animal life I'm keeping alive with all the food I drop under my desk. I imagine they have some monuments in my name.

If you have to ask the question, it means we don't have an answer yet.

I have a flexible budget. It goes between plus and minus all the time.

In parallel universe somewhere, budding lounge singer inadvertently spells his last name "Snotra," changes course of history forever.

Hey, technology: 90% of what I bought from you five years ago is either broken or outdated. But I do like all your new squirrel products.

Blueberries are purple inside. As are blackberries, boysenberries, marionberries and huckleberries. We had five good chances to call something purpleberries.

The universe is once again back in equilibrium, which can only mean brace yourself for impending disequilibrium.

For some reason, I find breathing to be rather cathartic.

Books aren't anything without their words, and words aren't anything without their meaning, and meaning originates in the mind. We are the books.

The 1980s called, but it was a wrong number.

Is a run-on sentence such a crime what's the big deal is there some special law of the universe that controls this sacred phenomenon give me a break?

Coincidence resides only on the surface with perception.

Minions just don't seem to get a fair shake. Pretty much everyone disparages them out of reflex. Could be a call for a minion coup.

Beware lest ye think you know the Bible backward and forward, for you may be right about the first.

Contingency plans are only good if they also have contingency plans.

If you haven't got your health, you probably don't have anybody else's either.

The key to happiness begins with having the right kind of socks.

We would be entertained in lieu of being enlightened.

Next time I'm at the art museum, I’m going to say "Show me the Monet."

Advertising really works. I simultaneously want to take out insurance policies with GEICO, Allstate, State Farm, Progressive, Nationwide and Farmers.

The quaint "survival of the fittest" is actually a euphemism for "evolutionary bullies of nature".

The future's so bright you gotta wear nuclear fallout glasses.

You should never make fun of someone who's doing a better job of it themselves.

I can foresee a day when highly advanced civilizations will converse exclusively in candy hearts.

If a website doesn't grab me after two words, I move on.

Celebrities get more notoriety for dying than they do for being born.


Yesterdays Tomorrow Today said...

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Rusty Southwick said...

I have no response to that.

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