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Monday, October 21, 2013

What This is Called

Life is good. Relatively speaking — compared to all the other lives we have.

A sign in front of the store said "Open For Business." Then it struck me, so THAT'S why they're open...

Yes, I may be afraid to go in the water where the sharks are, but it must also be noted they're just as reluctant to meet me on the land.

If you haven't read my blog before, this may be a good time to start. And if you have read it, it may be a good time to stop.

Dear Diary, I can't keep writing to you like this. After all, you're an inanimate object and therefore can't read a dang thing I write. I hope you'll understand — that is, if you could read this in the first place. Maybe you could get a translator. Anyway, it's nothing personal, I assure you. Your friend always, RS

Negative numbers don't even exist in the material world. Thanks a lot, math, for making life harder than it had to be.

Every day is shirt sleeve weather if you're a polar bear.

Someone stole my identity, and they got a job for me, so now I have to move to Virginia.

Just taking up space on your screen. Because it's a human prerogative within the cyber world, and because I have all the requisite keys on my keyboard. Plus, Mount Everest is way too cold for my tastes. Kudos for your unwitting patronage and your ever-silent yet palpable pleas of endorsement.

My controversial version of yoga is to trip and fall into a cardboard box and then spend the next two hours trying to get out.

Fascinating how easily one's mood can change based on the tiniest things. I went from lugubrious to woebegone without even batting an eyelash.

The best pets would be slugs, because if they ever ran away you could still see them for several hours.

Half the world is crazy and the other half is oblivious that the other half is crazy.

This could be me typing this, or it could be seven monkeys randomly typing on typewriters hooked up by USB cables and produhcing jusdthe right combxiination of charnacteyrs. (Dang it, Clarence! I told you to proofread!)

The only effective method for handling tasks is to write them down on sticky notes and then wait until they become obsolete.

I wish I had a nickel for every time I had an appendectomy.

A study says that only 8% of what we worry about actually occurs. Further proof that worrying works.

The world's oldest man keeps dying for some reason. This could be an epidemic. Pretty soon there won't be anyone left over 100.

Please be green and think about the already expanding size of the universe the next time you consider pressing the spacebar. InhabitantsForASmallerUniverse.

People with too much time on their hands should put more on their feet.

Just finished reading The Communist Manifesto. They were right — not only was Marx a communist, but he was also Marxist.

The most acclaimed flotation devices: 3) Landing gear tires that they probably won't be needing anymore; 2) Complimentary beverage straw; 1) Life raft in your carry-on.

Possession is 9/10ths of the law, so I guess stealing it from the person who possesses it must be the other tenth.

If you read this sentence backwards, it will reveal that Tennessee Tuxedo was the Penguin, and Chumly was the Walrus.

I'm promoting nothing. Please buy it and then pay me.

What if those extra buttons on my shirt fall off before the regular buttons do?

There's too much talking in the world and not enough sleeping. Hug a mime and take a nap.

Your lights are on, shoes are untied, shirt's inside out, button's undone, zipper's open, caps lock is on, and hair's on fire. This would be a clear sign to punt.

Disappointingly, mirrors are not portals into another dimension, but merely a clever way to get us to buy other clothes.

I'm wondering now if I might have been indoctrinated as a 1st grader into believing that it was the vowels that were the friendly letters, plus we weren't all that sure about y. The consensus back then being ours was not to question y, which itself is a telltale sign of brainwashing in operation, so I am just a little dubious.

A society that needs sneeze guards for salad bars is uncivilized.

If all the things that were overrated could just switch with the things that are underrated, we could achieve perfect equilibrium in the universe and then go back to sleep.

Some people have short attention spans.

Some people.

In case you think geography precise, there are some fish that right now are simultaneously in the Atlantic Ocean and the Indian Ocean.

I can understand why the little "i" has a dot on it, but not the little "j". Some things just don’t make sense.

When you wake up tomorrow morning, your day will be a blank canvas. Admire the pristine quality of that blank canvas, and don't be a fool and put anything on it.

Mumford & Sons are nice, but then again so was Hee Haw.

Energy is overrated. It should be rated below naps, laziness, socket wrenches, documentaries, litmus paper, riboflavin and anthropomorphism, in that order.

"You can't handle the truth!" Socrates screamed at Plato as they vigorously debated materialism.

In order for us to give a descriptive word of something, we need a point of reference in mind. What describes the point of reference though?

People you never see in the same room together: Deepak Chopra and Boutros Boutros-Ghali.

I had my one chance. The guy at the drive-thru got distracted, and then he asked me, "You gave me a ten, right?" I blew it... I could've said that I gave him a million dollar bill, and then I'd be rich now, but I wasn't thinking quickly enough. I'm betting that's how Donald Trump realized his untold wealth.

Putting "For Official Use Only" on a company car is utter genius. That way, nobody can steal it unless it's for company business.

I learned 1 weird trick for staying alive. You breathe out — and then this is the weird part — you breathe in the same air you breathed out.

What a day. First, it started at 12:00 a.m., and then morning came and we had weather, and I had meals and all sorts of things like that. I talked to other people, pleasantries were exchanged, and now I've been breathing ever since I woke up, and I really need a break. And this blinking thing won't stop. My eyes won't make up their mind. Hope tomorrow's not like this.

Don't apologize for who you are. Apologize for the hideous clothes you’re wearing.

Sporting events would be great if the fans didn't have to ruin it all by showing up.

On the question of whether God exists, God probably gets a vote.

If you have the chance to go to a concert of any singer named Justin, don't roll the dice.

When people say “you know who you are,” are they saying that for the benefit of the people who don’t know who they are? Because the people who know who they are already know. I feel sad for people who don’t know who they are.

I always buy local. Products from Earth and nothing else.

Photograviposing, n. - The innate human tendency to bend down or lean in toward the center of a picture being taken even though there's plenty of room all around them.

Do you believe in time travel? Aren't we traveling through time right now?

If you follow society, you'll end up on the sociopath.

Crime drama plot idea: In early part of the show, bring in the most obvious suspect for questioning, but surprisingly have them NOT be the killer. That way it won’t be just a 5-minute show.

Guilt is a very powerful emotion. It can take up to three days to get rid of.

I dreamed that I wasn't dreaming, but I'm not sure which part to trust. However, the non-dream was sepia-toned and closed captioned.

Cheese pizza? Why even bother? That's like a patty melt without the patty. Just the melt.

Spoiler alert: Tomorrow, aliens from another galaxy will invade planet Earth and declare the Cleveland Browns NFL champions. People will be rioting in the streets.

I don't trust people who shred documents. Or who whisper. Now, a whispering shredder… those are the worst of all.

Facebook promotes a game, and then says "Warning: Highly addictive." Is that like a junkie with compassion?

You might've told somebody many years ago "nothing could be further from the truth." Since that time, whenever someone else has said it, it moves your condition further from the truth, to where it might eventually become false. The last three that have come in have been, in ascending order: grapes are a vegetable, Schenectady is in Massachussetts, and Ernest Pettibone doesn't like his wife's cooking.

How did it get to be 10:30 already? Wait... it's p.m.??

Christmas and birthday presents are easy to pick out for kids, because they don't have an income. But the only gifts you can get for grown-ups are things they wouldn't waste their own money on.

Fifty years from now, people will look at today's pictures and say, "How come everybody was wearing shorts? Were there lots of basketball tournaments?"

I like bartering with vending machines. Admittedly, they're generally pretty stubborn, but on occasion I can get them to come down a bit. I tell them I can get a better deal on another vending machine, and then I have the two of them bid for it. Sometimes I work as a lender between the two, and help them take out loans.

I don't follow the news. I try not to let it find me either.

Maxim #417: No civilization can progress so long as it has bagpipes.

We need so many TV crime dramas because there are a lot of criminal actors. I’m thinking TV prison would just take care of the whole problem.

If I win any posthumous awards, I want Jodie Foster giving my speech for me.

To disregard children is to disregard one's own self, for we're all children relative to the forces of the universe.

Just about everyone you see has been unconscious at some point during the last 24 hours. And yet most of them don’t want you to see them when they’re unconscious. Something about a social stigma.

The curious contradictory phenomenon in which many self-proclaimed religious people are still superstitious about non-religious ideas, and become most faithful in knocking on wood. The dreaded Woodknocker Sect.

There are people who are hypocritical? That's it — I quit.

Saying "I could care less" is actually proper if one is being facetious. So knock it off, comedy grammar police.

If you take the easiest way out, you’ll also find yourself in the longest line.

End-of-Year Scenarios: 1) Excess cork-popping sets off wild typhoon that wipes out all vegetation, forcing us to subsist on Hershey's kisses for three months until the supply is depleted and we fade into the burning sunset. Or 2) The countdown at midnight triggers a telekinetic bomb that turns us into dust mites and we get absorbed into an unforgiving eco-friendly vacuum cleaner.

If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you can read this in German, then you may want to ask for your money back.

Test statement. Do not delete, mutilate, or spindle. Especially spindle.

In this digital age, it seems the only purpose of TV programming being scheduled at specific days and times is so we're watching in unison, so we can all talk about it the next day. TV viewers are being herded into time blocks to create the illusion of newness, with the assurance that no one else watched it before you.

Wow... I was just looking at my clock, and time stood still for a second. I'm completely not kidding.

Just knowing that identity theft is out there as a possibility has got to be one of the biggest boosts to our collective self-esteem.

Today is Arbitrary Nothing Day. Tomorrow is also Arbitrary Nothing Day. I say we celebrate.

We could learn a lot from children were we not so preoccupied with teaching them.

To people who cough a lot: Kudos for breaking my concentration 200 times a day. If not for you, I'd have a hard time getting distracted.

Our mission statement can beat up your organization's mission statement.

Can you have vim without vigor? Does vigor always come with vim? What about vim and verisimilitude... would that work? (asking for an enemy)

Probably half the Internet is something trying to get your attention and fool you into clicking on it by pretending to be something other than what it is. Boy, what a productive bunch we are.

Saying "you guys" is blatantly sexist. It should be more correctly stated as "you plebeian life forms."

Someone please invent anti-social media.

In a crusade to keep our language from becoming stale, I would implore all of you to make the following substitutions in your conversation: instead of 'good', use 'splendid'; instead of 'stuff', use 'appurtenances'; instead of 'confused', use 'nonplussed'; and for any verb, use the word 'boondoggle'. Let me know of your successes or failures. And good luck...

Japanese characters are typically read vertically, so when they make a colon/right parenthesis smiley face, it looks normal.

Rock bands don’t know your name so they just refer to you as a city. They used to call me San Francisco until I moved to Baton Rouge.

I'm going to make free software with terms of agreement requiring the user to put me in their will, and I'll place that part way at the end.

Don't let anyone spoil your day. They have their own day they can spoil.

A slap on the back is a good thing, while a slap on the wrist is somewhat insulting, but then a slap in the face... that's downright lousy. I guess it all depends on where you get slapped.

Just solved a longstanding mystery of the universe. If I’m lucky, it’ll be worth something on eBay.

These "when life gives you lemons" sayings are bogus. Just throw the lemons back where they came from. You don't have to keep lemons.

When someone asks you what's the matter, tell them it doesn't matter. Then neither one of you will know what either one is talking about.

Gilligan was a world explorer, albeit a very bad one.

That moment when you're alive for almost a hundred years. Yeah, that one.

I think the wind is trying to tell me something. The message is unmistakably, "Whoosh, whoosh!"

If you are not the intended recipient of this message, what you just read was prohibited by federal law, and you should destroy all copies of it with a blowtorch and certified explosive device, available now from Ronco.

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