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Sunday, August 18, 2013

Oxidized Observations

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Whoever said the customer is always right couldn't have been a customer, because he was wrong.

A sandwich means "on bread," a salad means "on lettuce or greens," Mexican means "in a tortilla," and soup means "oh, we give up!"

This statement intentionally left blank. No, really, I meant to. (I wouldn't want you to think I accidentally left it blank)

Michael is a nice name, except that now everyone is named Michael.

Finding a needle in a haystack isn’t that hard if you have a match.

When I hear advertisers keep saying that I owe it to myself, it just depresses me that I've put myself in so much debt.

Luckily, insects regard our species as intelligent since their main human contact is with children.

I bowled a 226 yesterday. My handicap is 20 frames.

I'd accidentally told my credit card company the name of my 2nd favorite teacher, so now I'm in a heated argument with them over who my favorite teacher really was.

I don't want to spontaneously combust. I'm really not the impulsive type.

The only reality program I watch is “So You Think You Can Dance in an Amazing Race With a Bachelorette Better Than the Biggest 5th Grade Loser”. It’s a very confusing show, but well-produced and hosted by Chuck Woolery.

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. That means you can go back to bed after that.

Actor to be launching a new stage performing career as Sean Penn & Teller. One can't speak, and the other is Teller.

Reward yourself with something each day. Today I'm giving myself the Taj Mahal.

Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Sleep, and you couldn’t care less what they do.

Most of what you read on the Internet is just derived from Latin.

If you bring a bucketful of water to the well, you still can't take away two bucketfuls.

Earth 1.0. Never needed an upgrade.

I can read Malcolm Gladwell for hours. But I still wish he'd go home at the end of the day.

I miss things being "swell". Has anything really been swell since the Brady Bunch?

I take great satisfaction in the notion that in some parallel universe somewhere, the filbert is getting more notoriety than the macadamia.

14th Century real estate ads: Starter castle, conveniently nestled inside a moat.

I don't take advice from anyone who isn't paying me money for it, because I don't want them to have a conflict of interests.

Psst.... You over there. Yeah, you..... Don't ask me what this means, but I was instructed to tell you: "The albatross is on the tarmac..."

Things are all askew this morning. I have a feeling waking up has something to do with it.

Haley Mills has been an underrated actress. She should be rated just ahead of Faye Dunaway and right behind Julia Ormond.

A broken clock is right twice a day, yeah, but I'm right at least four times a day. Artificial intelligence ain't got nothin' on me...

Conversation amounts to minds transferring information and sentiments between one another. Can't technology facilitate this in our sleep and save us the trouble?

For every thought I approve to go on my blog, there are probably a dozen more left on the cutting room floor that I reject on moral grounds.

News agencies act like they're experts whenever a major economic or social development takes place, but keep in mind that it was news to them too.

Pusillanimous. Vernacular. Caligenous. Galvanized. Peasantry. Cellophane. Affrontery. Mediocre. Pluribus. Words actually said in "The Wizard of Oz". Watch for them next time.

The fulfillment of life may be to achieve a state where your whole being exudes, acknowledges and is comfortable in knownothingness.

Even dishonest people universally regard honesty as an essential moral trait which they value in others.

Yeah, humans are so advanced, blah-blah-blah. Self-induced 5-day work weeks with only 2 days on the weekend? Dolphins… they have 3-day weekends.

Fun things to do if you're not me: Be yourself. (Note, however, if you are me, then it's okay to be me)

I don't believe in weird tricks, unless it's psychotic clown monkeys in diapers performing magic.

I was typing this sentence a few days ago and now you're reading it, so I don't know what the heck happened.

Every single high school yearbook has tried to warn us that if you follow the fashions, twenty years later you'll realize you looked like a goober, but do we listen?

Bieber fans who rushed the stage at his concert probably just wanted their money back.

I can smell the weekend already. It smells a lot like burnt toast.

Existence is a glut of improbable circumstances with elaborate organisms and conscious awareness, not fitting with any material models.

Well, there's another 24 hours I'll never get back. And I was going to use them again this Thursday...

I believe in the Big Band Theory. The universe was started by Benny Goodman.

I don't wear a watch. I prefer telling time by the expiration date on my milk carton.

Rappers are so obsessed with rhyming. Maybe it has a lot to do with timing. Insert something about sliming while miming, and it's a rap.

The only reason to be suspicious of salesmen would be if they were trying to sell you something.

We're breathing about 20 miracles a minute.

I don't use an alarm in the morning. I figure if life wants me up, it'll find some natural way. Otherwise, it's a clear sign to stay in bed.

It must be humiliating for a newly transplanted tree to have to be temporarily held upright by being wired to part of an old ancestor.

How do we know there's such a thing as "now" if we don't even know how long it is?

Fly swatters are a conspiracy perpetuated by flies. They should make them in camouflage colors, because every time I go to swat one with this neon pink one, it gives away my cover.

A 40 x 40 Scrabble grid with 30 tiles per rack is my only hope to ever get a 574-point word from supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.

I didn't really need new glasses after all — the new monitor fixed everything. I'm completely pixilated now. Now all I need to do is take this monitor with me everywhere I go. May need to buy some more accessories for it.

We have a The Home Depot in our town. Do you have a The Home Depot in your town?

Obama is ready to send troops to go draw a red line in front of Syria.

My brain has been encrypted. To unlock, stand on your head while spinning and reciting the Magna Carta backwards in French with a lisp.

Today has been the most surreal day of my life. Then again, this has been true of each successive day since 1997.

"Could it have been prevented?" i.e. - what if we lived in an alternate reality where mistakes aren't made?

Contradictions and paradoxes say more about the thinkers' system of thinking than they do about the thoughts themselves.

Watching a movie, I can’t shake the inescapable reality that the characters are mainly interested in the story due to how much they're being compensated.

In a perfect world, wise sayings wouldn't outnumber wise people.

I will support anyone's efforts to become famous in place of Miley Cyrus.

Shoes can make you taller. And people won't even notice your feet are five inches off the ground. They'll say, "She has tall feet!"

Star Wars VII: The Next Generation... Lord Vader reveals to Picard, "I am your father, Jean-Luc."

We know very little. Most of what we do know is intuitive rather than reason. Reason: a structure we built so we could say we understood it.

I don't believe in pet peeves because I don't think we should be domesticating them.

Sean Connery was born a couple generations too early to get on the superhero merry-go-round, but he would've made the best Superman.

Only say "I wish" if you plan to use your influence to make it happen. The universe doesn't bequeath you with things so much as it is you.

Actual meanings #438: Whatever cash you bring to Las Vegas stays in Las Vegas.

The label says it's made with "real lemons". I wonder if those are any different from other kinds of lemons.

When did Bon Jovi jump the shark? On second thought, maybe they were just always on the other side of the shark.

The best laid plans of mice and men are completely obliterated by people who have absolutely no concept of time.

Politics was necessitated by societies having problems behaving themselves. Celebrate politics... a testament to man's incompetence at life.

Lying is considered unethical, yet we celebrate fiction. For all fiction's glorious properties, the truth isn't one of them.

We blame God for allowing us to destroy what He created.

A metaphor is a suggestion of a corollary based on a hypothetical connection that is somehow eventually translated into being literal to demonstrate a point.

My sneezes sound like I'm saying "Billy Joel", so I end up paying roughly $50 in royalties every time I catch a cold.

Words are just there to give labels to our illusions.

Occam's Razor presupposes we can adequately judge the varying complexities of things. What we're actually judging is how well it correlates to our biases.

Honk if your computer comes with a steering wheel.

Objects in the mirror are closer than they appear, unless of course you're using a microscope to look at it.

The more annoying sound a ringtone makes is directly proportional to how long it takes its owner to answer the call.

My life doesn't happen in real-time, so I have to watch it later.

Most opinions aren't worth the paper they're spoken on. Believing less of the external world brings us closer to understanding the truth.

Lady Gaga will go down as somebody in history.

People thriving in their alleged mastery of negotiating, as if the conquest over a contemporary were the prime objective in transactions. Wow, you’re really good at swindling other people…

Anything preceded by "I think" has about 5% chance of being right. And then there's a 3% margin of error involved. Descartes was a con man!

What's this about a 'hint of salt'? Is that like a sodium chloride riddle?

People don't realize how silly they look when they put on clown suits and perform live at circuses.

Gubba gubba. That's the answer to all of life's questions, and if we can only figure out what the heck it means, we'll be sitting pretty.

Some of my ducks aren't staying in a row. I suppose I could just lower my expectations and try to get them in a serpentine formation.

Caveat qui indutus est tutu: Let the man wearing a tutu beware.

When the recording said "Your call may be monitored for quality assurance purposes," I had no idea it meant the NSA.

Sorry for crashing the Internet today, everybody. I was downloading the Library of Congress, and apparently it had something to do with bandwidth.

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