A
sandwich means "on bread," a salad means "on lettuce or
greens," Mexican means "in a tortilla," and soup means "oh,
we give up!"
This
statement intentionally left blank. No, really, I meant to. (I wouldn't want
you to think I accidentally left it blank)
Michael
is a nice name, except that now everyone is named Michael.
Finding
a needle in a haystack isn’t that hard if you have a match.
When
I hear advertisers keep saying that I owe it to myself, it just depresses me
that I've put myself in so much debt.
Luckily,
insects regard our species as intelligent since their main human contact is
with children.
I
bowled a 226 yesterday. My handicap is 20 frames.
I'd
accidentally told my credit card company the name of my 2nd favorite teacher, so
now I'm in a heated argument with them over who my favorite teacher really was.
I
don't want to spontaneously combust. I'm really not the impulsive type.
The
only reality program I watch is “So You Think You Can Dance in an Amazing Race
With a Bachelorette Better Than the Biggest 5th Grade Loser”. It’s a very
confusing show, but well-produced and hosted by Chuck Woolery.
Breakfast
is the most important meal of the day. That means you can go back to bed after
that.
Actor
to be launching a new stage performing career as Sean Penn & Teller. One can't
speak, and the other is Teller.
Reward yourself with something each day. Today I'm giving myself the Taj Mahal.
Laugh,
and the world laughs with you. Sleep, and you couldn’t care less what they do.
Most
of what you read on the Internet is just derived from Latin.
If
you bring a bucketful of water to the well, you still can't take away two
bucketfuls.
Earth
1.0. Never needed an upgrade.
I
can read Malcolm Gladwell for hours. But I still wish he'd go home at the end
of the day.
I
miss things being "swell". Has anything really been swell since the
Brady Bunch?
I
take great satisfaction in the notion that in some parallel universe somewhere,
the filbert is getting more notoriety than the macadamia.
14th
Century real estate ads: Starter castle, conveniently nestled inside a moat.
I
don't take advice from anyone who isn't paying me money for it, because I don't
want them to have a conflict of interests.
Psst....
You over there. Yeah, you..... Don't ask me what this means, but I was
instructed to tell you: "The albatross is on the tarmac..."
Things
are all askew this morning. I have a feeling waking up has something to do with
it.
Haley
Mills has been an underrated actress. She should be rated just ahead of Faye
Dunaway and right behind Julia Ormond.
A
broken clock is right twice a day, yeah, but I'm right at least four times a
day. Artificial intelligence ain't got nothin' on me...
Conversation
amounts to minds transferring information and sentiments between one another.
Can't technology facilitate this in our sleep and save us the trouble?
For
every thought I approve to go on my blog, there are probably a dozen more left
on the cutting room floor that I reject on moral grounds.
News
agencies act like they're experts whenever a major economic or social
development takes place, but keep in mind that it was news to them too.
Pusillanimous.
Vernacular. Caligenous. Galvanized. Peasantry. Cellophane. Affrontery.
Mediocre. Pluribus. Words actually said in "The Wizard of Oz". Watch
for them next time.
The
fulfillment of life may be to achieve a state where your whole being exudes,
acknowledges and is comfortable in knownothingness.
Even
dishonest people universally regard honesty as an essential moral trait which
they value in others.
Yeah,
humans are so advanced, blah-blah-blah. Self-induced 5-day work weeks with only
2 days on the weekend? Dolphins… they have 3-day weekends.
Fun
things to do if you're not me: Be yourself. (Note, however, if you are me, then
it's okay to be me)
I
don't believe in weird tricks, unless it's psychotic clown monkeys in diapers
performing magic.
I
was typing this sentence a few days ago and now you're reading it, so I don't
know what the heck happened.
Every
single high school yearbook has tried to warn us that if you follow the
fashions, twenty years later you'll realize you looked like a goober, but do we
listen?
Bieber
fans who rushed the stage at his concert probably just wanted their money back.
I
can smell the weekend already. It smells a lot like burnt toast.
Existence
is a glut of improbable circumstances with elaborate organisms and conscious
awareness, not fitting with any material models.
Well,
there's another 24 hours I'll never get back. And I was going to use them again
this Thursday...
I
believe in the Big Band Theory. The universe was started by Benny Goodman.
I
don't wear a watch. I prefer telling time by the expiration date on my milk
carton.
Rappers
are so obsessed with rhyming. Maybe it has a lot to do with timing. Insert
something about sliming while miming, and it's a rap.
The
only reason to be suspicious of salesmen would be if they were trying to sell
you something.
We're
breathing about 20 miracles a minute.
I
don't use an alarm in the morning. I figure if life wants me up, it'll find
some natural way. Otherwise, it's a clear sign to stay in bed.
It
must be humiliating for a newly transplanted tree to have to be temporarily held
upright by being wired to part of an old ancestor.
How
do we know there's such a thing as "now" if we don't even know how
long it is?
Fly
swatters are a conspiracy perpetuated by flies. They should make them in
camouflage colors, because every time I go to swat one with this neon pink one,
it gives away my cover.
A
40 x 40 Scrabble grid with 30 tiles per rack is my only hope to ever get a
574-point word from supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.
I
didn't really need new glasses after all — the new monitor fixed everything.
I'm completely pixilated now. Now all I need to do is take this monitor with me
everywhere I go. May need to buy some more accessories for it.
We
have a The Home Depot in our town. Do you have a The Home Depot in your town?
Obama
is ready to send troops to go draw a red line in front of Syria.
My
brain has been encrypted. To unlock, stand on your head while spinning and
reciting the Magna Carta backwards in French with a lisp.
Today
has been the most surreal day of my life. Then again, this has been true of each
successive day since 1997.
"Could
it have been prevented?" i.e. - what if we lived in an alternate reality
where mistakes aren't made?
Contradictions
and paradoxes say more about the thinkers' system of thinking than they do
about the thoughts themselves.
Watching
a movie, I can’t shake the inescapable reality that the characters are mainly
interested in the story due to how much they're being compensated.
In
a perfect world, wise sayings wouldn't outnumber wise people.
I
will support anyone's efforts to become famous in place of Miley Cyrus.
Shoes
can make you taller. And people won't even notice your feet are five inches off
the ground. They'll say, "She has tall feet!"
Star
Wars VII: The Next Generation... Lord Vader reveals to Picard, "I am your
father, Jean-Luc."
We
know very little. Most of what we do know is intuitive rather than reason.
Reason: a structure we built so we could say we understood it.
I
don't believe in pet peeves because I don't think we should be domesticating
them.
Sean
Connery was born a couple generations too early to get on the superhero
merry-go-round, but he would've made the best Superman.
Only
say "I wish" if you plan to use your influence to make it happen. The
universe doesn't bequeath you with things so much as it is you.
Actual
meanings #438: Whatever cash you bring to Las Vegas stays in Las Vegas.
The
label says it's made with "real lemons". I wonder if those are any
different from other kinds of lemons.
When
did Bon Jovi jump the shark? On second thought, maybe they were just always on
the other side of the shark.
The
best laid plans of mice and men are completely obliterated by people who have
absolutely no concept of time.
Politics
was necessitated by societies having problems behaving themselves. Celebrate
politics... a testament to man's incompetence at life.
Lying
is considered unethical, yet we celebrate fiction. For all fiction's glorious
properties, the truth isn't one of them.
We
blame God for allowing us to destroy what He created.
A
metaphor is a suggestion of a corollary based on a hypothetical connection that
is somehow eventually translated into being literal to demonstrate a point.
My
sneezes sound like I'm saying "Billy Joel", so I end up paying
roughly $50 in royalties every time I catch a cold.
Words
are just there to give labels to our illusions.
Occam's
Razor presupposes we can adequately judge the varying complexities of things.
What we're actually judging is how well it correlates to our biases.
Honk
if your computer comes with a steering wheel.
Objects
in the mirror are closer than they appear, unless of course you're using a
microscope to look at it.
The
more annoying sound a ringtone makes is directly proportional to how long it
takes its owner to answer the call.
My
life doesn't happen in real-time, so I have to watch it later.
Most
opinions aren't worth the paper they're spoken on. Believing less of the
external world brings us closer to understanding the truth.
Lady
Gaga will go down as somebody in history.
People
thriving in their alleged mastery of negotiating, as if the conquest over a
contemporary were the prime objective in transactions. Wow, you’re really good
at swindling other people…
Anything
preceded by "I think" has about 5% chance of being right. And then
there's a 3% margin of error involved. Descartes was a con man!
What's
this about a 'hint of salt'? Is that like a sodium chloride riddle?
People
don't realize how silly they look when they put on clown suits and perform live
at circuses.
Gubba
gubba. That's the answer to all of life's questions, and if we can only figure
out what the heck it means, we'll be sitting pretty.
Some
of my ducks aren't staying in a row. I suppose I could just lower my
expectations and try to get them in a serpentine formation.
Caveat
qui indutus est tutu: Let the man wearing a tutu beware.
When
the recording said "Your call may be monitored for quality assurance
purposes," I had no idea it meant the NSA.
Sorry
for crashing the Internet today, everybody. I was downloading the Library of
Congress, and apparently it had something to do with bandwidth.