Ice cream is a Marxist plot to ensure the bulk of grocery shopping is done within a 15-minute radius of everyone's homes.
Waterfall photos are airbrushed so we'll think the waterfalls are thin.
"And they came with their mattresses, saying 'Buy our mattresses,' but others said 'No, buy ours.' And tumult reigned throughout the land."
My skin is really sensitive. Every time I shave, it gets its feelings hurt.
Apologize even when you weren't wrong, because there's nothing better for a relationship than patronizing one another with fake feelings.
All fiction is contrived in the abstract except to the extent that it realistically portrays non-fiction.
My subconscious thinks I can find power tools in the refrigerator, so don't see why I should rely on it to reveal the mysteries of the universe.
I always feel like somebody's looking over my shoulder...... oh, it's me.
Recall alert: General Electric says it remembers making toasters back in the '90s.
Is anybody here a consultant? It doesn't matter what kind, I just need more consultants in my life.
How does American Ninja Warrior always know when it can safely go to a commercial while the next few contestants fall in the water?
It doesn't feel like Friday today. For some reason, it feels more like two days after a Russian holiday.
When all else fails, give up. All else has already failed.
Our back yard was voted "most wildlife-like" by the neighborhood animals.
I've got anxiety disorder after listening to radio ads say all day long "What are you waiting for?" And I still have no clue what I'm waiting for.
My suspicions confirmed that the blueberry is nothing more than a cleverly disguised undercover grape.
Idea: Bear Grylls as game show host, where all the contestants are wild animals. Please donate $20 to help me get this kickstarted.
Had Captain & Tennille instead gone by "Captain or Tennille", they could've just kept that name when Toni went to her solo career.
Individuals became overly impressed with themselves once they started manipulating powerful machines and directing vehicles at high speeds.
I feel sorry for regular salt now ever since it was just discovered this century that you can also get salt from the sea.
My pedometer tells me that shaking it all day is just as healthy as walking.
People think circular logic suits them well since it keeps conveniently bringing them back to their premise.
There are no secrets to life. Everybody's just winging it.
Your eyes do not see. Your brain sees through your eyes, but there are other mechanisms for your brain to see through as well.
My doctor gave me 46 more years to live, so I'm going to live each day like I have only 16,829 left.
The presumed symmetry or equilibrium we experience is simply two arbitrary models temporarily coinciding.
One reason scientists are the ones who discover things is that everybody else at work during the day.
Me: "Thank you. I think that takes care of everything."
Cust. Service: "Anything else I can help you with?"
Me: "Not since 5 seconds ago."
People say that a certain video is definitely worth the time. Will they also decide which purchases are worth my money or behaviors worth my integrity?
This is for when I'm too busy to write something later.
Yard sale people will never rule the world because they're incapable of making signs large enough for anyone to read.
I think I may have hallucinated driving late at night on our return trip home, though it made it more fun and helped me stay awake.
There are no exact sciences, except those in the abstract, which are imaginary. Our built-in margin of error is already at its minimum.
Saying "I could care less" is actually proper if one is being facetious. So knock it off, renegade comedy grammar police.
My mind was hacked yesterday, so now I have to come up with a new password.
If you're reading this, I predict you're a homo sapien born between 1870 and 2010. Either that, or a very tech-savvy dolphin.
Spoiler alert: There won't be a Wednesday this week, something to do with a hiccup in Earth's rotation. Should only affect subspecies.
|"Who ordered take-out?"|
Geometric shapes are mankind's way of imagining size, space and dimension, which we then unsuccessfully attempt to assign to the real world.
Postmodern Elizabethan Barrett...
"How dost thou complete me?
Allow me to enumerate...."
Always remember, forgetting is something you can't remember, so don't forget it.
The incessant hum bagpipes give off is an effective application of coerced neurosis.
If the store bananas are green, they'll be ready to eat in 2 days, but by then I won't be hungry and/or the world will have come to an end. Decisions, decisions...
I had a dream that everybody on Twitter was certifiably insane. And then I went to sleep.
This just in... oh, wait, it went back out again. Oh well, we'll wait for it to come back in.
I eat all my meals 24 hours late.
We're 20+ years into the Internet age and we still can't text over 160 characters, tweet over 140, or e-mail over 48,563,279,308.
Bumpers should be detachable, rubber, and worth about $100, then they wouldn't involve auto insurance. But instead, we like our cars pretty.
The aphorism about "pick your poison" is a false dilemma because if you have two bad choices you can wait until one gets picked for you.
If a discussion about artificial intelligence doesn't address matters of consciousness, then it's an artificial artificial intelligence.
It's hard not to coast when you can see the finish line and expending any effort would produce only a marginally different outcome.
Today is your best day because you don't have any other day.
How is Spider-Man supposed to eat if his mouth is covered up? Not very realistic.
The breakthrough discovery of the current music culture expertly utilized is that every word rhymes with itself.
AccuWeather's RealFeel presumes everyone feels temperature the same. It appears we now need sleep numbers for our weather too.
I need at least fifty more mattress choices before I can adequately make a decision on one that's perfect for me and will change my life.
It may seem all glamorous, but living paycheck to bank heist isn't quite what it's cracked up to be.
I'd like to raise awareness in general, nothing specific.
If the next big thing is already here, then I'd rather have the thing after that which hasn't come yet, because I know it'll be even better.
Retailers must get a special commission whenever you buy all the S'mores ingredients at once.
My phone battery is down to 7%, which in technology lingo means I'm melting.
Why is it that the things falling off a slice of pizza are always the best part? I wonder if they’re trying to escape.
The great white shark has a good publicity agent, as did Alexander and Gatsby.
Nothing anyone owned before passing from this life still belongs to them. Whatever we own now is no more than borrowing from a library.
You scratch my back, and I let you scratch my back. Because symbiosis is too complicated.
Knocked off three items from my to-do list, and it doesn't even faze me that another sixteen were added while I was doing them.
The best laid plans... if you have kids, you can throw all that out the window.
Smoke alarms are a conspiracy to get us to buy 9-volt batteries.
The Facebook Messenger app has been downloaded by over a billion people. This means about a thousand of those people are dying each hour, so be careful who you message.
Political record skipping…
1992 - Tired of politicians, will elect outsider
1996 - Tired of politicians, will elect outsider
2000 - Tired of politicians, will elect outsider
2004 - Tired of politicians, will elect outsider
2008 - Tired of politicians, will elect outsider
2012 - Tired of politicians, will elect outsider
2016 - Still tired of politicians, plan to elect an outsider but won't
Every question I ask comes with "asking for a friend" per my attorney. I'm also an attorney, and for some reason this confuses the witnesses.
Instead of getting breadsticks with my pizza, I just order extra crust.
It turns out every drink has a bouquet, including kool-aid and seltzer (together or apart).
Anything remotely associated with fruit or fruit flavors is thereby considered nutritious, up to and including the spelling of 'Froot'.
Polls reveal to us what people think regarding topics the pollsters pigeonholed them into.
I accidentally came across this website called StumbleUpon. But then they won't let me stay there, so not sure what that's about.
Web pages are nature's way of getting as much advertising to us as is humanly possible.
No, I'm not excited with anticipation. This is always how I am when there's an impending moment that will freeze your life in its tracks.
It's amazing how different colors can affect your mood. Chartreuse makes me giddy, while burnt sienna gives me the urge to invade Portugal.
The underscore (_) is a blatant conspiracy to hide characters in hyperlinks, and to make people say the word "underscore."
I can be a patient person when I need to be. I can always eat next week.
Knowledge is merely information, while awareness is knowing what to do with the information.
Looking at travel ads, every state in the U.S. is somehow a veritable paradise where one can commune with nature without limitations.
If you tabbed through all the cells in an Excel worksheet at the rate of six taps per second, it would take 90 years to finish.
You can encapsulate any profound concept within 140 characters, and still have some left over for exclamation points and emojis.
Name change suggestions for the word 'Internet': blàh-blah-blah, cybertruth tiger, vermouth, heliotrope, Buddy Lembeck, van occupanther.
"There's no such thing as ______" is only according to that perspective and experience. Negative absolutes don't make themselves known.
Allowing one's follicles to grow is not a special ability.
If you are not the intended recipient of this message, please forward it to whoever I intended it to go to, and then pay me for any damages.
Never open a book, because as soon as you do, its resale value goes down 50%.