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Monday, September 7, 2015

The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Redundancy

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Ice cream is a Marxist plot to ensure the bulk of grocery shopping is done within a 15-minute radius of everyone's homes.

Waterfall photos are airbrushed so we'll think the waterfalls are thin.

"And they came with their mattresses, saying 'Buy our mattresses,' but others said 'No, buy ours.' And tumult reigned throughout the land."

My skin is really sensitive. Every time I shave, it gets its feelings hurt.

Apologize even when you weren't wrong, because there's nothing better for a relationship than patronizing one another with fake feelings.

All fiction is contrived in the abstract except to the extent that it realistically portrays non-fiction.

My subconscious thinks I can find power tools in the refrigerator, so don't see why I should rely on it to reveal the mysteries of the universe.

I always feel like somebody's looking over my shoulder...... oh, it's me.

Recall alert: General Electric says it remembers making toasters back in the '90s.

Is anybody here a consultant? It doesn't matter what kind, I just need more consultants in my life.

How does American Ninja Warrior always know when it can safely go to a commercial while the next few contestants fall in the water?

It doesn't feel like Friday today. For some reason, it feels more like two days after a Russian holiday.

When all else fails, give up. All else has already failed.

Our back yard was voted "most wildlife-like" by the neighborhood animals.

I've got anxiety disorder after listening to radio ads say all day long "What are you waiting for?" And I still have no clue what I'm waiting for.

My suspicions confirmed that the blueberry is nothing more than a cleverly disguised undercover grape.
It's September already? It still seems like last September.

Idea: Bear Grylls as game show host, where all the contestants are wild animals. Please donate $20 to help me get this kickstarted.

Had Captain & Tennille instead gone by "Captain or Tennille", they could've just kept that name when Toni went to her solo career.

Individuals became overly impressed with themselves once they started manipulating powerful machines and directing vehicles at high speeds.

I feel sorry for regular salt now ever since it was just discovered this century that you can also get salt from the sea.

My pedometer tells me that shaking it all day is just as healthy as walking.

People think circular logic suits them well since it keeps conveniently bringing them back to their premise.

There are no secrets to life. Everybody's just winging it.

Your eyes do not see. Your brain sees through your eyes, but there are other mechanisms for your brain to see through as well.

My doctor gave me 46 more years to live, so I'm going to live each day like I have only 16,829 left.

The presumed symmetry or equilibrium we experience is simply two arbitrary models temporarily coinciding.

One reason scientists are the ones who discover things is that everybody else at work during the day.

Me: "Thank you. I think that takes care of everything."
Cust. Service: "Anything else I can help you with?"
Me: "Not since 5 seconds ago."

People say that a certain video is definitely worth the time. Will they also decide which purchases are worth my money or behaviors worth my integrity?

This is for when I'm too busy to write something later.

Yard sale people will never rule the world because they're incapable of making signs large enough for anyone to read.

I think I may have hallucinated driving late at night on our return trip home, though it made it more fun and helped me stay awake.

There are no exact sciences, except those in the abstract, which are imaginary. Our built-in margin of error is already at its minimum.

Saying "I could care less" is actually proper if one is being facetious. So knock it off, renegade comedy grammar police.

My mind was hacked yesterday, so now I have to come up with a new password.

If you're reading this, I predict you're a homo sapien born between 1870 and 2010. Either that, or a very tech-savvy dolphin.

Spoiler alert: There won't be a Wednesday this week, something to do with a hiccup in Earth's rotation. Should only affect subspecies.

"Who ordered take-out?"
Geometric shapes are mankind's way of imagining size, space and dimension, which we then unsuccessfully attempt to assign to the real world.

Postmodern Elizabethan Barrett...
"How dost thou complete me?
Allow me to enumerate...."

Always remember, forgetting is something you can't remember, so don't forget it.

The incessant hum bagpipes give off is an effective application of coerced neurosis.

If the store bananas are green, they'll be ready to eat in 2 days, but by then I won't be hungry and/or the world will have come to an end. Decisions, decisions...

I had a dream that everybody on Twitter was certifiably insane. And then I went to sleep.

This just in... oh, wait, it went back out again. Oh well, we'll wait for it to come back in.

I eat all my meals 24 hours late.

We're 20+ years into the Internet age and we still can't text over 160 characters, tweet over 140, or e-mail over 48,563,279,308.

Bumpers should be detachable, rubber, and worth about $100, then they wouldn't involve auto insurance. But instead, we like our cars pretty.

The aphorism about "pick your poison" is a false dilemma because if you have two bad choices you can wait until one gets picked for you.

If a discussion about artificial intelligence doesn't address matters of consciousness, then it's an artificial artificial intelligence.

It's hard not to coast when you can see the finish line and expending any effort would produce only a marginally different outcome.

Today is your best day because you don't have any other day.

How is Spider-Man supposed to eat if his mouth is covered up? Not very realistic.

The breakthrough discovery of the current music culture expertly utilized is that every word rhymes with itself.

AccuWeather's RealFeel presumes everyone feels temperature the same. It appears we now need sleep numbers for our weather too.

I need at least fifty more mattress choices before I can adequately make a decision on one that's perfect for me and will change my life.

It may seem all glamorous, but living paycheck to bank heist isn't quite what it's cracked up to be.

I'd like to raise awareness in general, nothing specific.

If the next big thing is already here, then I'd rather have the thing after that which hasn't come yet, because I know it'll be even better.

Retailers must get a special commission whenever you buy all the S'mores ingredients at once.

My phone battery is down to 7%, which in technology lingo means I'm melting.

Why is it that the things falling off a slice of pizza are always the best part? I wonder if they’re trying to escape.

The great white shark has a good publicity agent, as did Alexander and Gatsby.

Nothing anyone owned before passing from this life still belongs to them. Whatever we own now is no more than borrowing from a library.

You scratch my back, and I let you scratch my back. Because symbiosis is too complicated.

Knocked off three items from my to-do list, and it doesn't even faze me that another sixteen were added while I was doing them.

The best laid plans... if you have kids, you can throw all that out the window.

Smoke alarms are a conspiracy to get us to buy 9-volt batteries.

The Facebook Messenger app has been downloaded by over a billion people. This means about a thousand of those people are dying each hour, so be careful who you message.

Political record skipping…
1992 - Tired of politicians, will elect outsider
1996 - Tired of politicians, will elect outsider
2000 - Tired of politicians, will elect outsider
2004 - Tired of politicians, will elect outsider
2008 - Tired of politicians, will elect outsider
2012 - Tired of politicians, will elect outsider
2016 - Still tired of politicians, plan to elect an outsider but won't

Every question I ask comes with "asking for a friend" per my attorney. I'm also an attorney, and for some reason this confuses the witnesses.

Instead of getting breadsticks with my pizza, I just order extra crust.

It turns out every drink has a bouquet, including kool-aid and seltzer (together or apart).

Anything remotely associated with fruit or fruit flavors is thereby considered nutritious, up to and including the spelling of 'Froot'.

Polls reveal to us what people think regarding topics the pollsters pigeonholed them into.

I accidentally came across this website called StumbleUpon. But then they won't let me stay there, so not sure what that's about.

Web pages are nature's way of getting as much advertising to us as is humanly possible.

No, I'm not excited with anticipation. This is always how I am when there's an impending moment that will freeze your life in its tracks.

It's amazing how different colors can affect your mood. Chartreuse makes me giddy, while burnt sienna gives me the urge to invade Portugal.

The underscore (_) is a blatant conspiracy to hide characters in hyperlinks, and to make people say the word "underscore."

I can be a patient person when I need to be. I can always eat next week.

Knowledge is merely information, while awareness is knowing what to do with the information.

Looking at travel ads, every state in the U.S. is somehow a veritable paradise where one can commune with nature without limitations.

If you tabbed through all the cells in an Excel worksheet at the rate of six taps per second, it would take 90 years to finish.

You can encapsulate any profound concept within 140 characters, and still have some left over for exclamation points and emojis.

Name change suggestions for the word 'Internet': blàh-blah-blah, cybertruth tiger, vermouth, heliotrope, Buddy Lembeck, van occupanther.

"There's no such thing as ______" is only according to that perspective and experience. Negative absolutes don't make themselves known.

Allowing one's follicles to grow is not a special ability.

If you are not the intended recipient of this message, please forward it to whoever I intended it to go to, and then pay me for any damages.

Never open a book, because as soon as you do, its resale value goes down 50%.

Saturday, July 18, 2015

Cogitating Whilst Hanging From the Balcony

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Every English writer continually presses the same 26 keys on their keyboards. No wonder all these books look the same.

People spend so much time talking about what happened yesterday that they won't have anything to talk about tomorrow.

Don't place limitations on yourself. Place them on others so you can leapfrog ahead of them.

Panda Express neither sells panda meat nor is fast.

A journey of a thousand miles starts with someone pacing through the house saying, "I just know I forgot something…"

People ask how my summer is going. Why do I have to have a summer? I'm just living. Don't complicate things for me.

Truly, we'll take your word for it on those ‘before’ pictures if you’d just show us the ‘after’ pictures.

The only reason I write is so I can find out what I'm thinking.

Rules of the Road, #5297: If you can't see the driver's head above the seat in the car in front of you, it's an omen you'll be going slow for awhile.

I stole my own identity. Now nobody knows which one is really me.

Some days I don't have time to go walking, so I lend my pedometer to a friend so they can walk for me.

Cats will never be able to take over the world, because their response to gunfire on the battlefield would be "run out into the gunfire!"

My To-Do list said it's willing to settle out of court.

My phone knows the birthdays of all my contacts. What my phone doesn't know is that I don't want to know the birthdays of all my contacts.

When you win a game on a missed shot by the other team, aren't you really celebrating that they're not good enough to beat you?

Work is a verb. Yeah, and so is anthropomorphize.

My brain says "more sugar," but my will power says "OK, more sugar."

Round-Up is guaranteed to get rid of weeds until they come back.

I'm worried when people online are offering to help me improve myself. Why do they already assume there’s something wrong with me?

Some things can be both sad and funny at the same time, like a chihuahua with bronchitis.

There's no 'Z' in 'cooperation'.

If you never wash your car, it only gets dirty once.

The only things keeping toddlers from taking over the world are timeouts and not being able to reach the doorknob.

Baking cookies for someone is mankind's most cordial way of furthering one’s own ulterior motives.

If you believe in determinism, can I have your free will that you're not using?

Is there any reason not to just take a Cold-Eeze every four hours for the rest of your life?

"It's been 38 seconds since my last bite…" (applause, along with the unapologetic sound of wrappers) —Chocoholics Meeting of the Realists

I like using the shopping carts that are kiddie cars, and then I go through the store picking up hitchhikers.

The way to tell if the media is being truthful or not is to flip a coin — if it's heads or tails, they're lying.

If I could have one superpower, it would be to make everyone in the world stop fantasizing about superpowers.

The Bee Gees don't get enough credit. They need Stephen Hawking and Dalai Lama to give them more credit.

I'm a fan of anybody who's ever been in a movie, because it's not easy pretending to be real.

"Right lane must turn right" is inaccurate and needs an ‘Else’ clause. Else it will go straight. Else you will end up on the curb. Else you will be severely penalized and ridiculed and live out your days in complete solitude. Likewise, the lane itself doesn't turn at all, rather the cars do.

My fiendish plot to turn all my life coaches against each other could be the break I've been looking for to escape.

Every medication curiously has both a real name and a name it would go by in an endless wonderland of dancing and daffodils.

Knowledge is mankind's way of feeling good about not knowing anything.

Turns out my right foot is a quarter-inch shorter than my left foot. And all this time I thought I was putting my best foot forward.

I got a fortune cookie but couldn't bear to read the fortune. I don't need all that pressure.

Have yourself… a Hari little Krishna…

Best way to find a job: Randomly send invitations to 1000 people on LinkedIn. One of them will surely mistake you for someone else and hire you.

Could never sink to the level of doing livestock judging. The swimsuit competition is just too exploitative.

Editor's note: This sentence contains crude humor, which may be unsuitable for some life coaches.

I save receipts for everything. Thinking of returning the Quarter Pounder to McDonald's from last year since they left out the pickle.

I never judge a book by its cover, but rather by its paper grade, font style, and ratio of adverbs to semicolons.

I would like to create a civilization just to observe them trying to parallel park.

Why won't anybody sell me anything? I want to buy stuff! Money is falling out of my pockets as we speak. Yoo-hoo, online marketers…

Next big movie blockbuster of the summer… Spiderman: Unhyphenated.

Once a password is typed, the computer should recognize I've already put in the correct password without further requiring me to press Enter or click a button. What is it — Regis Philbin? Taunting me, waiting to see if I’ll change my mind?

Living one day at a time is overkill. We can't even live one second at a time.

Ads say if you or a loved one have experienced adverse symptoms, you may be entitled to compensation. Apparently your enemies are out of luck.

In case anyone's interested, I've successfully domesticated my inner beast. Outer beast still holding out.

My phone warns me if I'm attempting to play music above a certain safe level. Hey, phone, leave me and my death wish alone, will ya?

It would take about twenty days to count off the pixels on your computer monitor 1 second at a time.
In the end, the measure of a civilization has got to be how many of its artifacts it can secure in museums.

Red light means stop, green light means go, and yellow light means go faster.

Quick reply alternatives to "How's it going?" other than "good": “My life's a complete shambles and everyone is dead to me. How are you?”

Let's compare problems so we can reinforce who warrants the most pity and is more justified in their negative pathology.

Working on a revolutionary nature documentary called "The Revenge of Predator Rabbits — Put That in Your Easter Basket."

The ideas that appeal most to people are their own.

Professional athletes often say after losing that they just didn't do the things they were capable of. So then what the heck are we paying them for?

There's a point of diminishing returns where an excessive amount of smart turns into dumb.

So if a pilot knows the airplane is about to crash, the thinking is to not panic the passengers because… why?

Public opinion polls merely reveal to us what our illusory perceptions are.

Facebook says my soulmate is Rumplestiltskin. Is that bad? I mean for Rumplestiltskin.

If I had a time machine, I'd go back to 1873 and meet people who weren't famous.

Raisins are nature's way of saying, "Hey, whadda ya want from me??"

Why are automated phone voices almost always the grandmother persona? A 35-year-old male Jersey steel worker would carry so much more charm.

Pain is felt nowhere in your body but your brain. When you hit your thumb with a hammer, the pain is not in your thumb.

Which is more severe… acrimonious or apoplectic? Asking for a friend who is acrimonious.

Don't quote me on this, but "______________________".

We're having a yard sale today, but so far no one seems interested in buying it.

No one ever said life would be easy. Except Phil Bodenheim of Schenectady, New York, on June 17, 1968.

The problem with knowledge is those lacking the recognition that they don't possess it have no way of verifying that condition.

The radio ad said to indulge in their weekend getaway, but that restrictions apply. Even indulging has restrictions!

Samuel L. Jackson. The L stands for "loud".

The ALS bucket challenge likely saved 11 lives, and killed 14 people with buckets.

Dentists realize that checkup reminders from the dentist create psychosomatic symptoms of tooth pain, prompting the need to set up an appointment.

Verizon says I can get more value if I give them 20 more dollars each month. This value word, I don't think it means what they think it does. How about if I give them the value and they give me the 20 dollars?

The only useful calendar is a blank one.

Why do people say "Bye now"? You already know they're referring to now. Besides, they’ll never say "Bye later", so what's to confuse it with? “Bye some other unspecified time period.”

A cereal's ingredients are irrelevant. It just needs to be crunchy. And preferably have "Crunch" somewhere in the name.

Technically, every material object is disposable.

Some people advertise everything that happens to them. They're kind of like verbal junk mail.

If wine tasters can taste wine better than regular wine drinkers, who exactly are they tasting for?

I was going to say something else, but I guess I just did.

I'd like to thank all the smokers for sharing their generic incense with us at no cost.

My daily mantra: Floss like nobody's watching.

The ongoing linguistic struggle between regular citizens never referring to cars as automobiles, versus manufacturers who persist in being obtusely formal.

Now that computer mice are going exclusively to the wireless kind, therefore having no tails, can we go back to just calling them turtle shells?

Do you ever pick something up and put it in your mouth thinking it's something else? That happens to me a lot with cotton balls.

I want to opt out of my Facebook friends' birthday notifications. I only want friends who don't have birthdays.

People commonly fold their arms because they don't know where else to put them and they don't detach that easily.

Quick reply alternatives to "How's it going?" other than "good": “Couldn't be better, because I'm stuck in this rut and I'll never be better.”

My company has a 97% satisfaction guarantee. We like to keep the other 3% interesting.

Cars were invented by law enforcement because they couldn't give horses speeding tickets.

Internet Explorer commands the market share of "people who don't know how to install another browser."

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Name This Blogpost Before Kanye West Does

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Every time I see someone on their laptop or tablet, I borrow it to Google myself, just to make Google think I'm famous.

When someone says, "I've never seen anything like that in my life," clarify whether they've seen it in anyone else's life, just in case.

While I was driving I negotiated a turn, and they talked me down to 23 miles an hour.

Once you have truly learned something it becomes natural, just like falling off a bicycle.

I have the world's most secure password. It's comprised only of characters that I created myself, and it takes three months to type.

My online chess partner just played again after twelve years. It would appear I'm going to have to re-think my strategy now.

I’m a little disappointed Harper Lee doesn't seem to be fully invested in her second novel project: “To Kill a Few Hours at the Mall”.

A panorama photo is just a regular photo with the top and bottom chopped off.

Give a man a fish, and you feed him for one day. But give a fish a man, and they can make it last about two weeks.

They're making the dictionary into a movie. The only action is in the introduction when Noah Webster eats the rock monsters.

Your call is very important to us. That's why we're using a hackneyed greeting card phrase to describe our most heartfelt sentiments.

Why is it that motivational speakers tell us money doesn't bring happiness, then also offer us twenty proven tips for how to become rich?

Monday is always the hardest morning of the week to wake up, followed by a tie for first with all the other days.

In a hundred years, our life spans will be over 120 years. The trick is to make it that far so you can live that long.

I don't agree with what you're saying, but I'll defend to the death your right to tell me I'm right.

The controversial decision by UPS to outsource most of its drivers to India has backfired, official sources say.

Conformist laws of writing: When trying to be verbose, use as few words as possible.

Car commercials state that their driving is on a closed course, warning us: "do not attempt". Attempt what? Driving in circles on the interstate?

In a parallel universe somewhere, there is a Kanye Awards Show.

What if I don't want to agree to disagree? Have you ever considered that I just might want to disagree to that too?

Beware the Ides of March, especially when they sneak up on you in July.

I wish these people in the waiting room would quit coughing. Can you use a tourniquet to treat a cough?

Selfie sticks don't work. Now they tell me I have to buy a phone too.

I can't get Paloma Blanca out of my head, and now it's also infiltrated my sacroiliac.

Lawn gnomes are funny only to those who don't know any in real life.

Why do villains always seem to be selfish, bitter and mean? Why can't we have a villain who is thoughtful, grateful and kind?

The NFL has discovered all footballs since 2003 have been underinflated, so every game since then will be played over.

I ate an orange today that was labeled "80% fruit juice".

Facebook is nothing more than a temptress, who, once you 'Like' something, then tries to goad you back into unliking what you just liked.

There are no reputable people named Mikey.

I wish people would stop picking on Brian Williams. Misremembering things in exquisite detail isn't an easy task.

If you take a selfie in the mirror that shows the camera, you should be expeditiously exiled back into the Pre-Cambrian Era.

In its attempts to understand and define, humanity fools itself with precision.

90% of life is just showing up. The other 10% is taking naps.

If you like folding your arms a lot, you too can be a business executive.

We spend more time on time-saving measures than on the time they save.

Rene Russo. Cab Calloway. Fred Willard. Jimmy Carter. Prince William. Grace Helbig. People who are not Kevin Bacon.

I don't know how to react to an announcement that a famous person I've never heard of has died. I didn't even have time to miss them.

Tedium and drudgery temper and therefore work in synergy with enjoyment to help slow down the timeline for us to better absorb enjoyment.

Quick, Iranians, this is your chance while Brian Williams is powerless.

I'm having a near-death, out of body, sepia-toned deja vu experience in slow motion. It's been going on for over thirty years.

The object of LinkedIn is that if you can figure it out, you get a job.

Don't wait for your rainy day — make it rain today.

If so many people know what the key to happiness is, why do more of them keep discovering the real new answer?

Life insurance ads say you can "rest in peace", which only means they don’t want to appeal to the atheist market.

People assume hypocrites aren't sincere, but in reality everyone's a hypocrite, so it's difficult to tell which are truly insincere.

If you can anticipate impending disaster, it helps cushion the blow somewhat before you're completely annihilated.

Things to remember to say when ordering at the drive-thru... "Would it kill you to make it hot?"

Some things aren't very funny. Like dryer sheets, for example.

Not only is infinity incomprehensible to everyone, but it surpasses the collective imaginations of an infinite number of minds.

Before good customer service can happen, something first has to go wrong.

Life is already a bucket list.

The news story said "according to sources". When exactly would it not be according to sources?

Every major freeway in history has been under perpetual construction. How am I supposed to be able to relax knowing such things?

Vladimir Putin. Gwenyth Paltrow. Billy Joel. Donald Trump. People other than Kevin Bacon with 5-letter last names or industrial complexes.

It takes six months to get used to daylight saving time.

If scouts leave campsites better than they found them, in a few thousand years every campsite in the world will end up being the Taj Mahal.

When life gives you lemons, hey, maybe I like lemons.

Yesterday's tomorrow is now, and tomorrow's yesterday is now. We're living in the past and the future, and it's all now.

Life is now risk-free. If you're unsatisfied for any reason, you can give it back for a full refund, including shipping.

The difference between a bad day and a good day is often only one day. And then sometimes it's a few thousand days…
The chocolate on the edge of my mouth was left there intentionally in case I need some of it later.

Somewhere in the world, there's a person whose favorite band is Margot & the Nuclear So and So's.

When a product makes the claim of being "revolutionary," that simply means it's no different from all the other revolutionary products.

We think of ourselves as men or women more than we think of ourselves as living beings.

The bulk of what people say is balderdash. And the rest is folderol.

The ultimate aim of the news is to bring you to your knees begging for mercy while simultaneously asking for more, more, more.

The best cure for worrying is apathy. The best cure for apathy is more apathy.

The people who conclude that money can't buy happiness are the ones who were willing to carry out the experiment as a public service.

Dimensions are a concept we created to account for our perception. No model demands their existence, yet we find comfort in the assumption.

Wallowing in self-pity gets old after awhile, so you need to mix in a healthy dose of pity from external sources as well.

Does anybody really know what that song by Chicago is called, and even more importantly, does anybody really care?

In 37 states it's illegal to make carrot cake without orange frosting on it depicting a carrot and green frosting depicting the leaves.

Will be spending the next few months on a government grant studying the contrasting etymologies of "yikes" and "yipes".

The "damage" Brian Williams did at NBC was to raise too much awareness of media corruption.

Enormity of the universe and quantity of stars doesn't make a human being less relevant. Intrinsic value transcends any form of calibration.

I make sense. You don't make sense. Therefore, one of us named "you" isn't making sense.

Dyschocohaulia — Fear of having trick-or-treaters ring your doorbell when you're out of candy.

If you save 25 cents a week, in 10 years that's $130, which you could've used to buy things you'd enjoy instead of hanging onto money.

Will happily give my full allegiance to the Internet if it can produce a vintage circa 1950s photo of Burt Bacharach playing baccarat.

Daryl Dragon doesn't get quite enough notoriety in the world of musicians, but then again, he's the one who chose to wear that Captain's hat.

I should have known better than to go to the store on National Stand In Your Way Day.

Participating in athletics helps prepare youth for conflict resolution in other future endeavors, like adult softball.

Everyone at work is coughing today. I give them six minutes to live if they don't die by natural causes first.

There aren't any sharks who are aware when it's their week. We're wasting a full seven days on something that doesn't even appreciate our efforts.

Some so steeped in culture they'll be gushing over Broadway reviews even as the embers of civilization are being extinguished around them.

We made newly-developed self-parking cars to compensate for our individual newly-developed ineptness.

I seem to be nesting today, which can mean only one thing: tomorrow I molt.

People need to get along with those who want to fight them, unless these people are the ones who want to fight, then the others need to get along.

If you hope to be as the gods, their altar is the one where you must kneel.

People think life is a mystery because they don't understand what they know, as if knowledge had to have explanations.

Donald Trump won't accept my LinkedIn request. I know he's on there, because everybody who likes money is on there.

Disney resorts says: "Get the 4th night free when you stay a minimum of 4 nights.” So you don’t get the 4th night free if you only stay two nights?

We operate under the illusion that the passage of time necessarily represents progress, that humankind is de facto learning its lesson.

The pragmatic logician is fairly certain that he is mostly certain, based on his high level of confidence, which comes from his certainty.

My car has dirt on it. I can't fathom this troubling development, for I'm sure I washed it last year.

God gave us alphabets so we could spend countless hours playing games with arbitrary symbols and getting our kicks rearranging them.

He would lose an argument to a houseplant even before the houseplant had said anything.

When in doubt, use Latin to impress, for nobody who doesn't know what they're talking about would ever toy with such an elusive lexicon.

I believe!! I believe!! Sell me a mattress and transform my way of life....

If an audiobook counts as reading, then closing your eyes with the TV on does too.

When do people have the time to play games on Facebook? I barely even have time to ignore their requests.

My doctor prescribed placebos. Or maybe it was Tic-Tacs. And it could've been the lady in the cereal aisle — the signature was hard to read.

If I ever learn to moonwalk, cut my legs off.

Do the universes where parallel universes exist also have parallel universes of those universes? Science just wants to sell headache pills.

I'll bet Flo the Progressive Lady even gets on her own nerves.

Microorganisms are only allowing our species to live because we're a viable host for crumbs which sustain many of their civilizations.

Saturday, January 3, 2015

A Blog is Worth 1,739 Words

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We've transitioned nicely from the Information Age into the Too Much Information Age.

Minimum security prisons are practically advertising for inmates to try to escape.

Just when you think you've seen everything, a space alien in pajamas bakes a spinach ricotta soufflé out on your veranda while yodeling.

Don't cry over spilt milk, unless it's your party then you can cry if you want to.

I may be one of the few people who one time listened to albums by Motorhead and the Bee Gees in succession. The Bee Gees have better voices, just an FYI.

I've got some unused time left on the car vacuum machine if anybody can get here in the next thirty seconds.

That awkward moment when you say "hi" to someone, and they say something back.

I killed all the flies in the house, which made me lord over them. But now unfortunately all my constituents are dead.

I have no umph today. The umph store was closed.

Taking a mental note of something is about as good as an Etch-a-Sketch in a paint shaker.

The fluorescent orange Moldavian army of 1856 was never very good at camouflage.

I almost killed a popcorn kernel with my fly swatter. But apparently I wasn't fast enough.

Anything preceded by "they say" just means nobody wanted to take responsibility for it.

I wonder how squirrel families are able to stay focused.

My fantasy high heel Olympic 100m hurdles team is off to a very promising start this season. More than 20% of the team isn't in traction.

When you get to the end and they ask whether you embraced life, don't have to tell them you wore flip flops.

Just my luck I got hit by an asteroid on a day when there’s a 3-hour wait at the ER.

One tiny decision impacted my entire day. I couldn’t get out of the passing lane, and now I'm in Argentina.

They may call it the great white shark, but to its wife it's just a shark.

Late night TV commercials alternate between those for new medications that "may be right for you" and then others for class action lawsuits against previous medications that “weren’t right for you”.

I need some Kickstarter money to help me think of a project.

Technology is that thing we invented so whenever we go to public events they can tell us, "Hey, everybody turn off your technology."

An Allstate agent informed me they're now offering Accident Absolution as long as you use penance oil.

What to do when your instinct tells you to go against your instinct... I run into this conundrum every moment of my life.

Animals wouldn't attack us if we understood them better. Bears are just trying to give us a deep tissue massage with their claws, for example.

There are three types of people, according to the door choices in fast food restaurants: Men, Women, and Employees.

Took a Rorschach test and answered "inkblot" on every question.

Never give up. Even after you lose, continue under the delusion that you still have a chance.

Please be green — be envious of this sentence unless you absolutely don't have to.

After being told that only traveling forward in time is possible, I sent everyone in the world ahead ten years, and then I stayed back.

Pavarotti, with an elegant last name accompanying his legendary voice. All the same, he was likely relieved not to be Luciano Higginbotham.

Firefighters are way too violent. They should be negotiating with the fires instead.

I'm a hopeless narcissist-romantic... I have unrequited self-love.

Watched Napoleon Dynamite for the first time last night. Now that part of my brain can finally atrophy.

Anyone who has grown their beard out more than three inches is up to something.

I have reservations about making reservations at reservations.

Saying Frosted Flakes is part of a nutritious breakfast is like saying Ringo was part of the Beatles.

Western civilization: That mass of humanity with a curious fixation for zombies, pirates, vampires, superheroes, sharks and kittens.

The drumstick in my frozen dinner was apparently from a 4-inch tall chicken.

I'm reluctant to tell people that my yogurt talks to me, because it could unnecessarily influence their choice in yogurt brands.

When someone says "have a nice day," why are they assuming I’m not having a nice day?

The debit card machine asked me how much cash I wanted back. I said a billion dollars.

Microwaves can get pretty disgusting when they're not cleaned. And it was probably a bad idea setting all those rat traps in there, in retrospect.

Headline reads: "Experts puzzled by discovery." I guess that would make them experts then.

I’m guessing Aristotle never said “y’all”.

Whenever a city council vote ends in a tie, they should settle it with penalty kicks.

People who think you can't be friends with someone just because you disagree with them aren't worth befriending.

The objective of World Cup soccer seems to be to fall down and act like you're dying.

Zebras have stripes, leopards have spots, and giraffes have puzzle pieces.

I'll worry about cooking from scratch only after I can do two consecutive frozen dinners successfully.

Confucius say don't crumple paper bag that have toothpick inside of it.

When people see me walking down the street, I want them to say, "Hey, there goes Rusty Southwick — he's got a name."

Raising awareness for something only lowers awareness for everything else.

Life insurance companies say you'll be able to rest in peace when you're dead, knowing that your family is taken care of. I wonder if that’s a money back guarantee.

Ever notice that guys named Louie are never thin?

I watched the Academy Awards For Extras. Everybody won, and they all rushed the stage as if on cue.

Went back in time 20 years to see what would happen if I killed my earlier self, but it got me instead so now I have to wait another 20 years to try it again.

I want to get a concealed carry permit for a rifle, and I’ll just tell everybody it’s a leg brace.

If you haven't voted yet, vote for me as a write-in candidate from the Undecided Party.

There are no do-overs in life. The playground is a dirty rotten lying ne'er-do-over-well.

Mood swings are way too draining. It's much less work to just stay depressed.

Why is it that it takes your neighbor two hours to mow the lawn, but everybody else in the world can do it in fifteen minutes?

I never mistakenly lock my keys in the car because I use the tried and true method of keeping them in my mouth at all times.

Across the shame scale, crying shames would appear to be the severest level of shameness, with dirty rotten ones not too far behind.

The only thing worse than an illiterate fool is a literate one.

In parallel universe somewhere, Peter Scolari cements self as household cinematic name with roles in Iggy Gump and Stanley Versus the Volcano.

You can only operate outside of life's illusory quality by acknowledging it.

Greek goddesses likely get their feelings hurt when we take those “Which Greek goddess are you?” quizzes.

I'm addicted to life — I just can't stop breathing. Somebody, please... help me stop.

Trains and people sound better off in the distance.

We often ponder over why mankind must continually engage in war, and then for celebrating special occasions we go back to our fetish of fireworks exploding the air.

Pre-Starbuckus Era, 40,000 B.C. ... "Anyone want to go out for a drink? Say, water perhaps?"

The problem isn’t that I’ve got a dog in the fight. It’s that I’m betting on it to lose.

Please don't print this blog unless you absolutely have to and you're an uncaring shmuck.

Forever Stamp purveyors are fully cognizant they're selling damaged goods, since even the highest grade of postage stamps decompose after 350 billion years.

The best way to scroll on your phone is by holding your finger in place and moving the phone up and down.

Marathon runners keep reminding us that marathons are precisely 26.2 miles, because apparently they can't finish without that last thousand feet.

A hole is more the absence of a thing than it is any kind of thing. Indeed, it's a void — which is nothing. In essence, there are no holes.

Few things have aided modern man's progress more than the low maintenance of breakfast cereal.

I just received a message from myself from the future... It said: "Don't do anything different." Now I don’t know what to do.

Earth's magnetic polarity, a festering cauldron of enigmatic and symmetrical angst which renders civilization a poignant metaphor in time.

If I were going to stash something valuable all across the country, I think I'd hide it in bags labeled "Cappuccino Potato Chips".

We give credit cards our money, and they give us points. That sounds fair.

Is it possible to just ooh, or must one accompany it with an aah?

The Big Bang was big compared to what? There wasn’t supposed to be anything else.

Q: How do you knock over a World Cup soccer player?
A: Wait 15 seconds.

R2D2 had a filthy mouth, which is why they had to keep bleeping him out through the whole movie.

It's now 7:10 pm. This piece of factual utter irrelevance was brought to you by the purveyors of illusory linear thinking, and the letter J.

Now that crime is against the law, lawmakers expect that crime will be eradicated within the next twenty years.

When I forget someone's name who I haven't seen in a while, I just say "Hey, Mike." Half the time I'm right. The other half, it's a woman.

I fight the clock every morning. It always wins, though I have won a few silver medals.

Captain's log, stardate 47382: It's really dark out here. Someone needs to order some street lamps.

The office printer has a sign on it that says "Be kind to trees." That's like buying an office gun and then saying "Be kind to squirrels."

If you never try, you'll never find out. For all you know, the bank vault could be unlocked.

The audiobook of the dictionary isn’t quite as interesting.

I poured a bucket of ice on myself to raise awareness for Charlie Bucket's family.

My kingdom for twenty-three fiefdoms, obo. Call for details.

Dance Like Nobody's Watching

Philosophy Soccer