Every English writer continually presses the same 26 keys on their keyboards. No wonder all these books look the same.
People spend so much time talking about what happened yesterday that they won't have anything to talk about tomorrow.
Don't place limitations on yourself. Place them on others so you can leapfrog ahead of them.
Panda Express neither sells panda meat nor is fast.
A journey of a thousand miles starts with someone pacing through the house saying, "I just know I forgot something…"
People ask how my summer is going. Why do I have to have a summer? I'm just living. Don't complicate things for me.
Truly, we'll take your word for it on those ‘before’ pictures if you’d just show us the ‘after’ pictures.
The only reason I write is so I can find out what I'm thinking.
Rules of the Road, #5297: If you can't see the driver's head above the seat in the car in front of you, it's an omen you'll be going slow for awhile.
I stole my own identity. Now nobody knows which one is really me.
Some days I don't have time to go walking, so I lend my pedometer to a friend so they can walk for me.
Cats will never be able to take over the world, because their response to gunfire on the battlefield would be "run out into the gunfire!"
My To-Do list said it's willing to settle out of court.
My phone knows the birthdays of all my contacts. What my phone doesn't know is that I don't want to know the birthdays of all my contacts.
When you win a game on a missed shot by the other team, aren't you really celebrating that they're not good enough to beat you?
Work is a verb. Yeah, and so is anthropomorphize.
My brain says "more sugar," but my will power says "OK, more sugar."
Round-Up is guaranteed to get rid of weeds until they come back.
I'm worried when people online are offering to help me improve myself. Why do they already assume there’s something wrong with me?
Some things can be both sad and funny at the same time, like a chihuahua with bronchitis.
There's no 'Z' in 'cooperation'.
If you never wash your car, it only gets dirty once.
The only things keeping toddlers from taking over the world are timeouts and not being able to reach the doorknob.
Baking cookies for someone is mankind's most cordial way of furthering one’s own ulterior motives.
If you believe in determinism, can I have your free will that you're not using?
Is there any reason not to just take a Cold-Eeze every four hours for the rest of your life?
"It's been 38 seconds since my last bite…" (applause, along with the unapologetic sound of wrappers) —Chocoholics Meeting of the Realists
I like using the shopping carts that are kiddie cars, and then I go through the store picking up hitchhikers.
The way to tell if the media is being truthful or not is to flip a coin — if it's heads or tails, they're lying.
If I could have one superpower, it would be to make everyone in the world stop fantasizing about superpowers.
The Bee Gees don't get enough credit. They need Stephen Hawking and Dalai Lama to give them more credit.
I'm a fan of anybody who's ever been in a movie, because it's not easy pretending to be real.
"Right lane must turn right" is inaccurate and needs an ‘Else’ clause. Else it will go straight. Else you will end up on the curb. Else you will be severely penalized and ridiculed and live out your days in complete solitude. Likewise, the lane itself doesn't turn at all, rather the cars do.
My fiendish plot to turn all my life coaches against each other could be the break I've been looking for to escape.
Every medication curiously has both a real name and a name it would go by in an endless wonderland of dancing and daffodils.
Knowledge is mankind's way of feeling good about not knowing anything.
Turns out my right foot is a quarter-inch shorter than my left foot. And all this time I thought I was putting my best foot forward.
I got a fortune cookie but couldn't bear to read the fortune. I don't need all that pressure.
Have yourself… a Hari little Krishna…
Best way to find a job: Randomly send invitations to 1000 people on LinkedIn. One of them will surely mistake you for someone else and hire you.
Could never sink to the level of doing livestock judging. The swimsuit competition is just too exploitative.
Editor's note: This sentence contains crude humor, which may be unsuitable for some life coaches.
I save receipts for everything. Thinking of returning the Quarter Pounder to McDonald's from last year since they left out the pickle.
I never judge a book by its cover, but rather by its paper grade, font style, and ratio of adverbs to semicolons.
I would like to create a civilization just to observe them trying to parallel park.
Why won't anybody sell me anything? I want to buy stuff! Money is falling out of my pockets as we speak. Yoo-hoo, online marketers…
Next big movie blockbuster of the summer… Spiderman: Unhyphenated.
Once a password is typed, the computer should recognize I've already put in the correct password without further requiring me to press Enter or click a button. What is it — Regis Philbin? Taunting me, waiting to see if I’ll change my mind?
Living one day at a time is overkill. We can't even live one second at a time.
Ads say if you or a loved one have experienced adverse symptoms, you may be entitled to compensation. Apparently your enemies are out of luck.
In case anyone's interested, I've successfully domesticated my inner beast. Outer beast still holding out.
My phone warns me if I'm attempting to play music above a certain safe level. Hey, phone, leave me and my death wish alone, will ya?
It would take about twenty days to count off the pixels on your computer monitor 1 second at a time.
In the end, the measure of a civilization has got to be how many of its artifacts it can secure in museums.
Red light means stop, green light means go, and yellow light means go faster.
Quick reply alternatives to "How's it going?" other than "good": “My life's a complete shambles and everyone is dead to me. How are you?”
Let's compare problems so we can reinforce who warrants the most pity and is more justified in their negative pathology.
Working on a revolutionary nature documentary called "The Revenge of Predator Rabbits — Put That in Your Easter Basket."
The ideas that appeal most to people are their own.
Professional athletes often say after losing that they just didn't do the things they were capable of. So then what the heck are we paying them for?
There's a point of diminishing returns where an excessive amount of smart turns into dumb.
So if a pilot knows the airplane is about to crash, the thinking is to not panic the passengers because… why?
Public opinion polls merely reveal to us what our illusory perceptions are.
Facebook says my soulmate is Rumplestiltskin. Is that bad? I mean for Rumplestiltskin.
If I had a time machine, I'd go back to 1873 and meet people who weren't famous.
Raisins are nature's way of saying, "Hey, whadda ya want from me??"
Why are automated phone voices almost always the grandmother persona? A 35-year-old male Jersey steel worker would carry so much more charm.
Pain is felt nowhere in your body but your brain. When you hit your thumb with a hammer, the pain is not in your thumb.
Which is more severe… acrimonious or apoplectic? Asking for a friend who is acrimonious.
Don't quote me on this, but "______________________".
We're having a yard sale today, but so far no one seems interested in buying it.
No one ever said life would be easy. Except Phil Bodenheim of Schenectady, New York, on June 17, 1968.
The problem with knowledge is those lacking the recognition that they don't possess it have no way of verifying that condition.
The radio ad said to indulge in their weekend getaway, but that restrictions apply. Even indulging has restrictions!
Samuel L. Jackson. The L stands for "loud".
The ALS bucket challenge likely saved 11 lives, and killed 14 people with buckets.
Dentists realize that checkup reminders from the dentist create psychosomatic symptoms of tooth pain, prompting the need to set up an appointment.
Verizon says I can get more value if I give them 20 more dollars each month. This value word, I don't think it means what they think it does. How about if I give them the value and they give me the 20 dollars?
The only useful calendar is a blank one.
Why do people say "Bye now"? You already know they're referring to now. Besides, they’ll never say "Bye later", so what's to confuse it with? “Bye some other unspecified time period.”
A cereal's ingredients are irrelevant. It just needs to be crunchy. And preferably have "Crunch" somewhere in the name.
Technically, every material object is disposable.
Some people advertise everything that happens to them. They're kind of like verbal junk mail.
If wine tasters can taste wine better than regular wine drinkers, who exactly are they tasting for?
I was going to say something else, but I guess I just did.
I'd like to thank all the smokers for sharing their generic incense with us at no cost.
My daily mantra: Floss like nobody's watching.
The ongoing linguistic struggle between regular citizens never referring to cars as automobiles, versus manufacturers who persist in being obtusely formal.
Now that computer mice are going exclusively to the wireless kind, therefore having no tails, can we go back to just calling them turtle shells?
Do you ever pick something up and put it in your mouth thinking it's something else? That happens to me a lot with cotton balls.
I want to opt out of my Facebook friends' birthday notifications. I only want friends who don't have birthdays.
People commonly fold their arms because they don't know where else to put them and they don't detach that easily.
Quick reply alternatives to "How's it going?" other than "good": “Couldn't be better, because I'm stuck in this rut and I'll never be better.”
My company has a 97% satisfaction guarantee. We like to keep the other 3% interesting.
Cars were invented by law enforcement because they couldn't give horses speeding tickets.
Internet Explorer commands the market share of "people who don't know how to install another browser."