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Monday, June 20, 2016

New Exciting Paths For the Synapses

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One thing they can never take away from you is your integrity. Also, they can't take away any of your bad personality traits either.

Yo-yo commercial disclaimer: "All tricks take practice." Just in case you were going to sue them when it didn't work the first time.

Medi-Share says it provides affordable, Biblical healthcare. Thank goodness leprosy is now covered.

Humans are possibly the third most gullible species, behind amoebas and tse tse flies.

I was trying to text "Not sure if I'll be at book club tonight," but autocorrect somehow changed it to "I'd rather languish endlessly in a vat of sludge."

You'd think they would make ovens already preheated.

They say don't go grocery shopping when hungry, but it should be don't go grocery shopping after winning the lottery or during surgery.

Left to my own devices, I'd probably just have my phone, tablet and laptop.

Any food that begins with the letter 'k' is automatically good for you.

Self-driving cars are merely computers that move. And we all know that nothing ever goes wrong with computers.

I just had an a-ha moment, and it was singing "Take on Me".

Whoever came up with the phrase "Give credit where credit is due" must've thought of that one real hard.
  
Being a political fact checker is basically the same as carding a class of kindergartners.

The curious art of competition is deriving a sense of accomplishment from your opponent's failure, and a delight in their frustration.

This is what happens when you have too many celebrities. Thirty years later they start dying off like flies.

Psychology has become an outmoded discipline now that we have online polls and Facebook profile quizzes.

Makes no sense for either theists or atheists to be superstitious. You'd have to be a mystic somewhere in between.

The most advanced species on the planet in the middle of the technology age, and yet we're still incapable of managing adequate parking.
If taking baby steps in one's progress means crawling on your belly while slobbering and eating lint off the floor, I can do that.

My presidential primary ballot says to use either black or blue ink, but it also says to blacken the oval completely.

So, when you say "you're dead to me," I'm guessing that's in a zombie-affectionate sort of way?

All the different awareness months are drowning out each others' awareness. They need an awareness bracket and an awareness final four.

If your city's motto is "Gateway to Better Cities", you may want to consider moving.

A new idea for Britain's Got Talent... Bring on an unassuming performer, have the judges look skeptical, then have the performer be Fabio.

Hail is always the size of hail.

Plato: "Is it better to be a sad rich person or a happy poor person?"
Socrates: "… and the mildly content middle class gets overlooked once again."

Alien report on humans... "Their ultimate experience would seem to be playing video games where you buy mattresses from Taylor Swift."

Anomalies are normal.

To the unprincipled politician, every hypothetical is a trick question.

I'm going to vote for the lesser of three evils this election. The first two evils are too creepy.

Capital One keeps asking me what's in my wallet. I store watermelons in there, if you must know. Probably ten, eleven at a time.

Communication Age: A bygone era when the term "literally" was misused about 95% of the time.

Everybody's always surprised how old they are.

There's no need to kill two birds with one stone if you have seven stones.

Pickup truck commercials give me the impression they think I'm desperately in search of a Sherman tank.

We think we're free, but the moon's orbit determines how often we pay our bills and the sun's orbit tells us when we can blow out candles.

Caught a cockroach and then let it back out into its natural habitat: New Jersey.

Everything you buy now is risk-free. In former times, there might've been a money-back guarantee, but you still had to risk.

"Bark like a dog" is most curious... good thing they clarify, otherwise we might think they're referring to a barking spider or penguin.

Waffles are just pancakes that somebody made an impression on.

Quantity over quality, style over substance, personality over character, appearance over content. Modern societal decay in four movements.

I was expecting Wednesday to come before Tuesday. Other than that, the week has gone just as I had planned.

Imitation is indeed a high form of flattery, but it's plagiarism that truly says they wouldn't change a thing.
Who rates the Better Business Bureau?

If only we could get Iran on some HIPAA violation, then we'd be set.

A dream not written is only a wish, but who has a pen while they're asleep?

Weather websites have so much bloatware on them I could be killed by a monsoon while I'm waiting for the page to load.

So glad everybody's posting houses for sale on Facebook. But my heart's on the little shack that you won't believe how it looks inside.

I can get all my daily calories from one box of cereal. This new discovery is going to greatly simplify my life.

Don't settle for the status quo — leave your comfort zone. On the other hand, appreciate what you have — the grass always seems greener on the other side.

Fast food drive-up windows have a sign saying no smoking within 10 feet. What driver are they going to enforce that against?

I like ordering things online just for the fun of tracking the package.

Leafblowers should be nominated to colonize Mars. It would be their higher purpose.

Baby steps makes no sense.... babies don't even walk.

In high school I was trying to decide which instrument to play, and then, Viola!, it came to me.

I support local communities. Those communities that are somewhere else are just too elusive.

There's no good reason for computers to not accept passwords when caps lock is on, especially when they already know caps lock is on.

"Operators are standing by" is just a fancy way of saying they'll answer the phone when you call, a rather profound concept.

The only drawback of technology is that it refreshes every few months and wipes out everything you had. But other than that, it's great!

Determinists are curiously never willing to give up any of their own personal "determinism".

Leafblower, leafblower, blow me a leaf
twig me a twig
branch me a branch

So let's say Occam's Razor is true 80% of the time. That's still nothing to feel existentially smug about.

Amazon wants to induce consumer panic (order now, only one copy left) while avoiding utter despair (don't give up, more on the way).

A grilled cheese sandwich is just two pieces of toast with cheese on them.

I end up correcting auto correct about ten times as often as it corrects my actual mistakes, so the utility of it escapes me.

Can you be a retired flight instructor without ever having been a flight instructor?

Working on my next motivational book, "Why Money Doesn't Bring You Happiness But How Getting Rich Is Still The Answer To Your Dreams."

When you open a door for someone, you're saving them three seconds out of their life. You have to do that 28,800 times to save them a day.

The main ingredient in breakfast cereals is goodness — about 90% of the recommended daily alllowance.

Richard Simmons wasn't missing — he just thought he was Leo Sayer.

Saturday, March 12, 2016

Misty Watercolor Memories

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There’s never a suitable snippet to go first. But somebody’s got to take one for the team.

"Hope is all we have..." Which itself is about the most hopeless thought imaginable.

My doctor asked me to rate my pain, so I consulted the Russian judge, who gave it a 6.5 on style and an 8.0 for degree of difficulty.

It's a good thing The Home Depot's logo lettering is diagonal, otherwise it wouldn't fit in that square.

103 years after the invention of the zipper, it continues to get stuck and separated. We must own up to the sobering reality that zipper engineering has failed us.

In the "Where Are They Now" segments, oddly those people are always older.

Memo to self: Stop sending me memos.

I’m unmotivated because I have low expectations of other people, and I live by the Golden Rule.

When Obi-wan spoke of never finding a more wretched hive of scum and villainy, he could not have anticipated leaf blowers.

You have a better chance of winning the lottery than being eaten by a rabid dolphin.

Trying to decide if I want to buy stationery at the Post Office or pay off my mortgage.

The Super Bowl halftime show once got the Rolling Stones thirty years past their prime, and this year it got Coldplay thirty years past not having one.

Do you ever feel like you're walking backwards? Like when you're walking backwards?

(this is not me, but an impersonator trying to look like me)
The closest thing to an ‘Unlike’ button is sending a LinkedIn invitation.

Do you have time to take a one-question survey?
Answer: No

Those signs that say "Thank You For Not Smoking" — how can they tell what I'm doing?

As I now listen to pieces of classical music, I realize these were from all the Bugs Bunny episodes.

Why are pharmaceutical companies so obsessed with telling me about all of my loved ones? Are they trying to hold my emotions hostage?

Social media is merely a way for the law to get us to take our own mugshots so they don’t have to.

Boy, do I have egg on my face after not getting the memo that today was pajama day at work.

Mulling over somehow seems so much more noble than just garden-variety thinking.

Scientists discover behind Planet Nine another three planets, as well as Amelia Earhart, Sasquatch, and asteroid belt of socks.

The size of the known universe is about a quadrillion quadrillion times as large as our solitary solar system, where we couldn't find a giant #9 planet over in the corner pocket.

The fiasco at the Miss Universe pageant never would've happened if beauty pageants didn't have to add to the tension by announcing runners-up, or if they just didn’t have beauty pageants.

On the flipside, Miss Colombia had the privilege of being Miss Universe for a few seconds that she otherwise never would’ve had.

I'm a minimalist/fatalist... I fear the worst will happen, but only in a very simplified way.

Leaf blowers have no sense of purpose, wandering aimlessly as if wielding metal detectors while blindfolded in the dark.

"My name is Inigo Montoya... you literally killed that word... prepare to die..."
"Stop SAYING that!!"

I can't decide whether to go on hiatus or take a sabbatical. Or I wonder if you can go on hiatus in the middle of a sabbatical...

Star Wars VII spoiler: They cast Leia.

You have a better chance of winning the lottery than 26 other people winning it.

Sarah Palin's endorsement is nice, but what I really want to know is who Carrot Top is going to vote for.

Dolphins don't have to-do lists.

John Ritter doesn't get enough credit for his work on Three's Company. All right then... that got him the credit he needed.

They always talk about where prices start, but no one wants to speak of where they end.

The jokes of my co-workers are so old that it's almost time for them to be funny again.

You have a better chance of winning the lottery than Jimmy Fallon, only because you can't win Jimmy Fallon.

Scientists have just discovered another quasar the size of 17 galaxies, hiding behind one of the international space stations.

Cake is overrated unless it's birthday cake. Otherwise, it should be rated just below corn nuts and right above kelp.

How is it that ham and pork are good for you, but bacon somehow isn't? Must be a conspiracy just so pigs can save their bacon.

An online ad for gambling addiction recovery shows a woman laughing. That must’ve been the before picture.

You have a better chance of winning the lottery than getting a nine-iron lodged in your throat.

How are computer viruses supposed to compete with the monopoly of Windows updates?

My car's not working… computer's not working... phone's not working... I might as well live in 1854.

The bank handling our mortgage reacted rather contentiously when I requested to change the draw date from the 5th of the month to the 12th of never.

Half the trends in the world are declining, the other half are on the rise, and the media will report that both are alarming.

Healing fast from injuries is a skill that only tough athletes have learned to master.

They should have a different name for "Double Bogey", like maybe "a Bergman".

It's a good thing we have movies, otherwise we wouldn't know anything about time travel or future technology.

We used to have to pay dollars for things, but now with recent modern advances we can pay in bucks, which are much easier.

I got a nice letter from Dell saying they miss me. Ergo, they miss my money.

A two-game winning streak is average.

Pure existence has no analogy.

We act as though we expect all close-range field goals to be made, but if it were automatic then we wouldn't need to do them.

The only area in life where things plummet is economics.

Leaf blowers take away our dignity, and all they give back is displaced leaves.

Lord, grant me the patience of Jake and Elwood Blues when they were in the elevator.

Presidential debates need moderators because people running for president can't be trusted to behave responsibly.

Brevity is the soul of

When something is successful 97% of the time, we still act surprised that the 3% ever occurs.

I ask doctors on a scale of 1 to 10 to rate how accurate they think their diagnosis is.

The main purpose of Facebook is to teach us that a building that looks plain on the outside can still have lots of neat furniture inside.

You have a better chance of winning the lottery than falling off a cliff in Florida.

I have 674 new updates in LinkedIn. I think I may check them during one of the next Olympics.

I feel like I have the force whenever I swipe my phone. A phone Jedi is nothing to sneeze at.

Any two nouns in English language should form a valid compound word, such as...
germfocus
waxhokum
theorycatapult
pachydermlint
dangerpickle

When life gives you lemons, do the merengue.

I was going to reorganize my spice collection but then I ran out of thyme.

Ever notice that "debt" and "debit" are so close in spelling?

Whenever Oil Can Henry's tells me my oil is low, I sense they're ready to slap the back of my hand.

You have a better chance of winning the lottery than of being married to Boutros Boutros-Ghali.

Do we have to keep calling people in cars 'motorists'?

Alternate endings to Star Wars VII...
Rey: You ah my fah-thah, Luke.

Luke: Nooooooo!!!!!!!

Friday, November 27, 2015

It's Not What You Think

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Instant oatmeal is a misnomer. I have to heat it up first.

You never see someone who is sad jumping up in the air when their picture is taken.

I agree to let this app monitor my biorhythms, taste my food, sell my clothes, and peer into my soul. Accept.

A goal not written is only a wish. And genies won't take anything in written form, which means we’re all basically out of luck.

I'm going to write a tell-all book. But first, I need a few volunteers that I can gossip about.

If there were any justice in the world, Mister Rogers would've been an announcer for monster truck ads.

Words With Friends congratulates me on reaching a certain amount of points each week, completely ignoring all of my humanitarian work.

I forgot my phone was still in airplane mode. That would explain why no one has called or texted me in the last eight months.

We should beware of wolves in sheep's clothing, as well as chihuahuas in poodles' clothing.

They always say it's an artist's rendering of how something would look. It's never an artist’s depiction of someone else's rendering. Can’t someone ever advise the artist on how they would render it, or are artists the only people who know how to render?

I like Facebook mainly for the pictures of food, as a survival technique to remind me that I need to keep eating to stay alive.

Everybody has good intentions, but the only question is for whom.

What if I don't want to agree to disagree?

If you just give me money now, I'll skip the sales pitch.

Analogies are no better than things that aren't like analogies.

Got "How to Win at Chess" only to find out my opponent had read it. Now have to get "How to Beat People Who Have Read 'How to Win at Chess' ".

5-Hour Energy drink has no sugar and only four calories, making it just as nutritious as motor oil.

Citing no other viable candidates, Mitt Romney is rumored ready to pursue his quest and get back in the ring to fight Holly Holm.

Nobody likes whiners, though strangely there are some people who like yodelers.

If knowledge truly is power, then absolute knowledge corrupts.

A tribal bushman from Africa wouldn't know that diagonal striped lines means don't park here.

Big shout out to mimes… since they can't.

When you go to a website, all the colors are produced from your own computer, not from the website.

You have more freedom in driving if you have brakes.

I never need to call in sick. I just tell them I'll be about 24 hours late.

You wouldn't need any roads if you were already where you wanted to be.

Being Canadian means always having to say you're sorrie.

Pedestrian, o, pedestrian
Gallivanting across
Nary the impetus or ambition
To reach the shore
Drowning in a sea of traffic
::::roadkill::::

Lightly salted means they couldn't help themselves although they stopped before they got too carried away.

The strategies of war involve outsmarting the opposition to get them to think you'll do what you realize they're aware of what you won't do.

So when exactly is life not surreal?

Dictators, telemarketers, leafblowers, morning DJ's. People we wouldn't miss if they conveniently vanished.

Birth is your cue to start mingling. Invitations are not needed.

Why are there no philosophers named Jimmy?

Conformists are annoying because they have to be like everyone else, and nonconformists are annoying because they have to be different than everyone else.

Inanimate things do not have birthdays, because a) they weren't born; and b) they can't blow out candles.

When a person asks, "Was it something I said?", say to them, "No, that would be correctable..."

I bought twelve yogurts at 33 cents apiece. So after figuring in my two overdraft charges from that day, it comes out to $5.92 per yogurt.

Don't you hate when you get to the end of a well-constructed, thoughtful and otherwise promising joke only to find it has no punchline?

People aren't that good at making sayings. A watched pot does in fact boil. And you snooze, you actually do win.

The newsfeed said skateboarding bulldog dies of heart problems. Couldn't they have the decency to wait till the next of kin were notified first?

War happens when nations run out of other ways to communicate with one another.

I've never seen two birds run into each other.

Convince people it's entertaining to lose their money against high stakes, set up bright lights, and voila! ...you have an industry.

People who speak in lots of acronyms think they're saving time, but all they're doing is further angering the literary gods.

If wars had referees and cheerleaders, TV and advertisers could make a killing.

Just an FYI… three capital letters and nothing else.

Life is not a spectator sport. Everyone's a pro, and everyone's on the field.

There are thousands of distinctive smells, but people can only describe a small percentage of them. Yet we have life's mysteries down solid.

If the Pope, Donald Trump and Caitlyn Jenner ever had lunch together, the media would spontaneously combust.

Panda Express' motto is: "I'm so sorry about that wait."

The etymology of every word ultimately goes back to the same words. Meaning is not intrinsic to terminology, which is a tautology.

Air is an addictive substance. Once you start, it's really hard to stop.

If you know someone who's afraid to pose a question on their own, is it all right to do it in their place? Asking for a friend…

I commonly do a few million Web searches for certain words in order to get them to become more popular in our lexicon.

Don't my Words With Friends opponents realize I've got better things to do than to wait around for them to take a break from their lives?

Leafblower guys wear earplugs, but they don't get any for us.

A marathon is tougher on slower runners because they have to run for 3 hours, while faster runners only have to run for 2 hours.

Fear is yourself believing a future will take over the present.

Standing ovations are more impressive than sitting ovations because when you sit that means you were too lazy to really mean it.
"Don't leave me all alone... take me with you!"
I always get Willem Dafoe and that other guy mixed up.

Boy doing a crossword puzzle while getting on the bathroom scale: "Another word for carcass..."
Father: "Carrion, my weighward son..."

Pseudo-intellectualism and intellectualism are competing for samehood.

Direct Message me to have me send you a thousand dollars telepathically. No strings attached.

When people say we're "beginning to understand" something, it basically means we still don't understand it and we have no idea how close we are.

Just another manic Monday... Wish it was Friday instead of Sunday... Then the next day wouldn't be manic Monday...

Those car alarms you hear going off all the time are the sound of modern technology, symbolizing our progress.

Rand Paul's campaign slogan is "Stand with Rand." But still not as good as "Sit with Mitt."

In art, if you mess up your painting, that's why they invented abstract.

Psst... that incredible stash of candy that you get all excited about every Halloween is available any time of the year for about $15.

Interviewer to player on losing team: "What kind of character does this team have?" Player: "We have none. We always give up. We don't know how to win."

What if the word "entrepreneur" were something less elegant, like maybe "hemlock", or "bobo"? It might not have quite the same appeal.

The good thing about a creative mind is it's encrypted so nobody can hack it.

Sharks are harmless creatures. They only want to eat you because they think you're a giant candy bar.

Don't correct people when they say something wrong — only correct them if they're correcting someone else.

I want to warn people approaching one another on a blind sidewalk corner, yet I also appreciate the fertile suspense such situations bring.

An auction is an attempt to get people to pay more than someone else is willing to pay.

Advancing technology means increasingly not being able to figure out how to operate what you own.

People who eat cookies before noon would probably shoot their dog if it were convenient.

The checkout clerks in grocery stores asking if you found everything all right need to be out in the aisles where all the action is.

The best way to confound your opponent in a competition is to randomly alter strategies so that even you don't know the pattern.

Pharmaceutical corporations fully support medical marijuana because it gives people more incentive to be sick.

The last generation that wasn’t freaked out by clowns has just entered retirement.

Monday, September 7, 2015

The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Redundancy

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Ice cream is a Marxist plot to ensure the bulk of grocery shopping is done within a 15-minute radius of everyone's homes.

Waterfall photos are airbrushed so we'll think the waterfalls are thin.

"And they came with their mattresses, saying 'Buy our mattresses,' but others said 'No, buy ours.' And tumult reigned throughout the land."

My skin is really sensitive. Every time I shave, it gets its feelings hurt.

Apologize even when you weren't wrong, because there's nothing better for a relationship than patronizing one another with fake feelings.

All fiction is contrived in the abstract except to the extent that it realistically portrays non-fiction.

My subconscious thinks I can find power tools in the refrigerator, so don't see why I should rely on it to reveal the mysteries of the universe.

I always feel like somebody's looking over my shoulder...... oh, it's me.

Recall alert: General Electric says it remembers making toasters back in the '90s.

Is anybody here a consultant? It doesn't matter what kind, I just need more consultants in my life.

How does American Ninja Warrior always know when it can safely go to a commercial while the next few contestants fall in the water?

It doesn't feel like Friday today. For some reason, it feels more like two days after a Russian holiday.

When all else fails, give up. All else has already failed.

Our back yard was voted "most wildlife-like" by the neighborhood animals.

I've got anxiety disorder after listening to radio ads say all day long "What are you waiting for?" And I still have no clue what I'm waiting for.

My suspicions confirmed that the blueberry is nothing more than a cleverly disguised undercover grape.
It's September already? It still seems like last September.

Idea: Bear Grylls as game show host, where all the contestants are wild animals. Please donate $20 to help me get this kickstarted.

Had Captain & Tennille instead gone by "Captain or Tennille", they could've just kept that name when Toni went to her solo career.

Individuals became overly impressed with themselves once they started manipulating powerful machines and directing vehicles at high speeds.

I feel sorry for regular salt now ever since it was just discovered this century that you can also get salt from the sea.

My pedometer tells me that shaking it all day is just as healthy as walking.

People think circular logic suits them well since it keeps conveniently bringing them back to their premise.

There are no secrets to life. Everybody's just winging it.

Your eyes do not see. Your brain sees through your eyes, but there are other mechanisms for your brain to see through as well.

My doctor gave me 46 more years to live, so I'm going to live each day like I have only 16,829 left.

The presumed symmetry or equilibrium we experience is simply two arbitrary models temporarily coinciding.

One reason scientists are the ones who discover things is that everybody else at work during the day.

Me: "Thank you. I think that takes care of everything."
Cust. Service: "Anything else I can help you with?"
Me: "Not since 5 seconds ago."

People say that a certain video is definitely worth the time. Will they also decide which purchases are worth my money or behaviors worth my integrity?

This is for when I'm too busy to write something later.

Yard sale people will never rule the world because they're incapable of making signs large enough for anyone to read.

I think I may have hallucinated driving late at night on our return trip home, though it made it more fun and helped me stay awake.

There are no exact sciences, except those in the abstract, which are imaginary. Our built-in margin of error is already at its minimum.

Saying "I could care less" is actually proper if one is being facetious. So knock it off, renegade comedy grammar police.

My mind was hacked yesterday, so now I have to come up with a new password.

If you're reading this, I predict you're a homo sapien born between 1870 and 2010. Either that, or a very tech-savvy dolphin.

Spoiler alert: There won't be a Wednesday this week, something to do with a hiccup in Earth's rotation. Should only affect subspecies.

"Who ordered take-out?"
Geometric shapes are mankind's way of imagining size, space and dimension, which we then unsuccessfully attempt to assign to the real world.

Postmodern Elizabethan Barrett...
"How dost thou complete me?
Allow me to enumerate...."

Always remember, forgetting is something you can't remember, so don't forget it.

The incessant hum bagpipes give off is an effective application of coerced neurosis.

If the store bananas are green, they'll be ready to eat in 2 days, but by then I won't be hungry and/or the world will have come to an end. Decisions, decisions...

I had a dream that everybody on Twitter was certifiably insane. And then I went to sleep.

This just in... oh, wait, it went back out again. Oh well, we'll wait for it to come back in.

I eat all my meals 24 hours late.

We're 20+ years into the Internet age and we still can't text over 160 characters, tweet over 140, or e-mail over 48,563,279,308.

Bumpers should be detachable, rubber, and worth about $100, then they wouldn't involve auto insurance. But instead, we like our cars pretty.

The aphorism about "pick your poison" is a false dilemma because if you have two bad choices you can wait until one gets picked for you.

If a discussion about artificial intelligence doesn't address matters of consciousness, then it's an artificial artificial intelligence.

It's hard not to coast when you can see the finish line and expending any effort would produce only a marginally different outcome.

Today is your best day because you don't have any other day.

How is Spider-Man supposed to eat if his mouth is covered up? Not very realistic.

The breakthrough discovery of the current music culture expertly utilized is that every word rhymes with itself.

AccuWeather's RealFeel presumes everyone feels temperature the same. It appears we now need sleep numbers for our weather too.

I need at least fifty more mattress choices before I can adequately make a decision on one that's perfect for me and will change my life.

It may seem all glamorous, but living paycheck to bank heist isn't quite what it's cracked up to be.

I'd like to raise awareness in general, nothing specific.

If the next big thing is already here, then I'd rather have the thing after that which hasn't come yet, because I know it'll be even better.

Retailers must get a special commission whenever you buy all the S'mores ingredients at once.

My phone battery is down to 7%, which in technology lingo means I'm melting.

Why is it that the things falling off a slice of pizza are always the best part? I wonder if they’re trying to escape.

The great white shark has a good publicity agent, as did Alexander and Gatsby.

Nothing anyone owned before passing from this life still belongs to them. Whatever we own now is no more than borrowing from a library.

You scratch my back, and I let you scratch my back. Because symbiosis is too complicated.

Knocked off three items from my to-do list, and it doesn't even faze me that another sixteen were added while I was doing them.

The best laid plans... if you have kids, you can throw all that out the window.

Smoke alarms are a conspiracy to get us to buy 9-volt batteries.

The Facebook Messenger app has been downloaded by over a billion people. This means about a thousand of those people are dying each hour, so be careful who you message.

Political record skipping…
1992 - Tired of politicians, will elect outsider
1996 - Tired of politicians, will elect outsider
2000 - Tired of politicians, will elect outsider
2004 - Tired of politicians, will elect outsider
2008 - Tired of politicians, will elect outsider
2012 - Tired of politicians, will elect outsider
2016 - Still tired of politicians, plan to elect an outsider but won't

Every question I ask comes with "asking for a friend" per my attorney. I'm also an attorney, and for some reason this confuses the witnesses.

Instead of getting breadsticks with my pizza, I just order extra crust.

It turns out every drink has a bouquet, including kool-aid and seltzer (together or apart).

Anything remotely associated with fruit or fruit flavors is thereby considered nutritious, up to and including the spelling of 'Froot'.

Polls reveal to us what people think regarding topics the pollsters pigeonholed them into.

I accidentally came across this website called StumbleUpon. But then they won't let me stay there, so not sure what that's about.

Web pages are nature's way of getting as much advertising to us as is humanly possible.

No, I'm not excited with anticipation. This is always how I am when there's an impending moment that will freeze your life in its tracks.

It's amazing how different colors can affect your mood. Chartreuse makes me giddy, while burnt sienna gives me the urge to invade Portugal.

The underscore (_) is a blatant conspiracy to hide characters in hyperlinks, and to make people say the word "underscore."

I can be a patient person when I need to be. I can always eat next week.

Knowledge is merely information, while awareness is knowing what to do with the information.

Looking at travel ads, every state in the U.S. is somehow a veritable paradise where one can commune with nature without limitations.

If you tabbed through all the cells in an Excel worksheet at the rate of six taps per second, it would take 90 years to finish.

You can encapsulate any profound concept within 140 characters, and still have some left over for exclamation points and emojis.

Name change suggestions for the word 'Internet': blàh-blah-blah, cybertruth tiger, vermouth, heliotrope, Buddy Lembeck, van occupanther.

"There's no such thing as ______" is only according to that perspective and experience. Negative absolutes don't make themselves known.

Allowing one's follicles to grow is not a special ability.

If you are not the intended recipient of this message, please forward it to whoever I intended it to go to, and then pay me for any damages.

Never open a book, because as soon as you do, its resale value goes down 50%.

Saturday, July 18, 2015

Cogitating Whilst Hanging From the Balcony

1 comments (add more here)
Every English writer continually presses the same 26 keys on their keyboards. No wonder all these books look the same.

People spend so much time talking about what happened yesterday that they won't have anything to talk about tomorrow.

Don't place limitations on yourself. Place them on others so you can leapfrog ahead of them.

Panda Express neither sells panda meat nor is fast.

A journey of a thousand miles starts with someone pacing through the house saying, "I just know I forgot something…"

People ask how my summer is going. Why do I have to have a summer? I'm just living. Don't complicate things for me.

Truly, we'll take your word for it on those ‘before’ pictures if you’d just show us the ‘after’ pictures.

The only reason I write is so I can find out what I'm thinking.

Rules of the Road, #5297: If you can't see the driver's head above the seat in the car in front of you, it's an omen you'll be going slow for awhile.

I stole my own identity. Now nobody knows which one is really me.

Some days I don't have time to go walking, so I lend my pedometer to a friend so they can walk for me.

Cats will never be able to take over the world, because their response to gunfire on the battlefield would be "run out into the gunfire!"

My To-Do list said it's willing to settle out of court.

My phone knows the birthdays of all my contacts. What my phone doesn't know is that I don't want to know the birthdays of all my contacts.

When you win a game on a missed shot by the other team, aren't you really celebrating that they're not good enough to beat you?

Work is a verb. Yeah, and so is anthropomorphize.

My brain says "more sugar," but my will power says "OK, more sugar."

Round-Up is guaranteed to get rid of weeds until they come back.

I'm worried when people online are offering to help me improve myself. Why do they already assume there’s something wrong with me?

Some things can be both sad and funny at the same time, like a chihuahua with bronchitis.

There's no 'Z' in 'cooperation'.

If you never wash your car, it only gets dirty once.

The only things keeping toddlers from taking over the world are timeouts and not being able to reach the doorknob.

Baking cookies for someone is mankind's most cordial way of furthering one’s own ulterior motives.

If you believe in determinism, can I have your free will that you're not using?

Is there any reason not to just take a Cold-Eeze every four hours for the rest of your life?

"It's been 38 seconds since my last bite…" (applause, along with the unapologetic sound of wrappers) —Chocoholics Meeting of the Realists

I like using the shopping carts that are kiddie cars, and then I go through the store picking up hitchhikers.

The way to tell if the media is being truthful or not is to flip a coin — if it's heads or tails, they're lying.

If I could have one superpower, it would be to make everyone in the world stop fantasizing about superpowers.

The Bee Gees don't get enough credit. They need Stephen Hawking and Dalai Lama to give them more credit.

I'm a fan of anybody who's ever been in a movie, because it's not easy pretending to be real.

"Right lane must turn right" is inaccurate and needs an ‘Else’ clause. Else it will go straight. Else you will end up on the curb. Else you will be severely penalized and ridiculed and live out your days in complete solitude. Likewise, the lane itself doesn't turn at all, rather the cars do.

My fiendish plot to turn all my life coaches against each other could be the break I've been looking for to escape.

Every medication curiously has both a real name and a name it would go by in an endless wonderland of dancing and daffodils.

Knowledge is mankind's way of feeling good about not knowing anything.

Turns out my right foot is a quarter-inch shorter than my left foot. And all this time I thought I was putting my best foot forward.

I got a fortune cookie but couldn't bear to read the fortune. I don't need all that pressure.

Have yourself… a Hari little Krishna…

Best way to find a job: Randomly send invitations to 1000 people on LinkedIn. One of them will surely mistake you for someone else and hire you.

Could never sink to the level of doing livestock judging. The swimsuit competition is just too exploitative.

Editor's note: This sentence contains crude humor, which may be unsuitable for some life coaches.

I save receipts for everything. Thinking of returning the Quarter Pounder to McDonald's from last year since they left out the pickle.

I never judge a book by its cover, but rather by its paper grade, font style, and ratio of adverbs to semicolons.

I would like to create a civilization just to observe them trying to parallel park.

Why won't anybody sell me anything? I want to buy stuff! Money is falling out of my pockets as we speak. Yoo-hoo, online marketers…

Next big movie blockbuster of the summer… Spiderman: Unhyphenated.

Once a password is typed, the computer should recognize I've already put in the correct password without further requiring me to press Enter or click a button. What is it — Regis Philbin? Taunting me, waiting to see if I’ll change my mind?

Living one day at a time is overkill. We can't even live one second at a time.

Ads say if you or a loved one have experienced adverse symptoms, you may be entitled to compensation. Apparently your enemies are out of luck.

In case anyone's interested, I've successfully domesticated my inner beast. Outer beast still holding out.

My phone warns me if I'm attempting to play music above a certain safe level. Hey, phone, leave me and my death wish alone, will ya?

It would take about twenty days to count off the pixels on your computer monitor 1 second at a time.
In the end, the measure of a civilization has got to be how many of its artifacts it can secure in museums.

Red light means stop, green light means go, and yellow light means go faster.

Quick reply alternatives to "How's it going?" other than "good": “My life's a complete shambles and everyone is dead to me. How are you?”

Let's compare problems so we can reinforce who warrants the most pity and is more justified in their negative pathology.

Working on a revolutionary nature documentary called "The Revenge of Predator Rabbits — Put That in Your Easter Basket."

The ideas that appeal most to people are their own.

Professional athletes often say after losing that they just didn't do the things they were capable of. So then what the heck are we paying them for?

There's a point of diminishing returns where an excessive amount of smart turns into dumb.

So if a pilot knows the airplane is about to crash, the thinking is to not panic the passengers because… why?

Public opinion polls merely reveal to us what our illusory perceptions are.

Facebook says my soulmate is Rumplestiltskin. Is that bad? I mean for Rumplestiltskin.

If I had a time machine, I'd go back to 1873 and meet people who weren't famous.

Raisins are nature's way of saying, "Hey, whadda ya want from me??"

Why are automated phone voices almost always the grandmother persona? A 35-year-old male Jersey steel worker would carry so much more charm.

Pain is felt nowhere in your body but your brain. When you hit your thumb with a hammer, the pain is not in your thumb.

Which is more severe… acrimonious or apoplectic? Asking for a friend who is acrimonious.

Don't quote me on this, but "______________________".

We're having a yard sale today, but so far no one seems interested in buying it.

No one ever said life would be easy. Except Phil Bodenheim of Schenectady, New York, on June 17, 1968.

The problem with knowledge is those lacking the recognition that they don't possess it have no way of verifying that condition.

The radio ad said to indulge in their weekend getaway, but that restrictions apply. Even indulging has restrictions!

Samuel L. Jackson. The L stands for "loud".

The ALS bucket challenge likely saved 11 lives, and killed 14 people with buckets.

Dentists realize that checkup reminders from the dentist create psychosomatic symptoms of tooth pain, prompting the need to set up an appointment.

Verizon says I can get more value if I give them 20 more dollars each month. This value word, I don't think it means what they think it does. How about if I give them the value and they give me the 20 dollars?

The only useful calendar is a blank one.

Why do people say "Bye now"? You already know they're referring to now. Besides, they’ll never say "Bye later", so what's to confuse it with? “Bye some other unspecified time period.”

A cereal's ingredients are irrelevant. It just needs to be crunchy. And preferably have "Crunch" somewhere in the name.

Technically, every material object is disposable.

Some people advertise everything that happens to them. They're kind of like verbal junk mail.

If wine tasters can taste wine better than regular wine drinkers, who exactly are they tasting for?

I was going to say something else, but I guess I just did.

I'd like to thank all the smokers for sharing their generic incense with us at no cost.

My daily mantra: Floss like nobody's watching.

The ongoing linguistic struggle between regular citizens never referring to cars as automobiles, versus manufacturers who persist in being obtusely formal.

Now that computer mice are going exclusively to the wireless kind, therefore having no tails, can we go back to just calling them turtle shells?

Do you ever pick something up and put it in your mouth thinking it's something else? That happens to me a lot with cotton balls.

I want to opt out of my Facebook friends' birthday notifications. I only want friends who don't have birthdays.

People commonly fold their arms because they don't know where else to put them and they don't detach that easily.

Quick reply alternatives to "How's it going?" other than "good": “Couldn't be better, because I'm stuck in this rut and I'll never be better.”

My company has a 97% satisfaction guarantee. We like to keep the other 3% interesting.

Cars were invented by law enforcement because they couldn't give horses speeding tickets.

Internet Explorer commands the market share of "people who don't know how to install another browser."

Dance Like Nobody's Watching

Philosophy Soccer