Every time I see someone on their laptop or tablet, I borrow it to Google myself, just to make Google think I'm famous.
When someone says, "I've never seen anything like that in my life," clarify whether they've seen it in anyone else's life, just in case.
While I was driving I negotiated a turn, and they talked me down to 23 miles an hour.
Once you have truly learned something it becomes natural, just like falling off a bicycle.
I have the world's most secure password. It's comprised only of characters that I created myself, and it takes three months to type.
My online chess partner just played again after twelve years. It would appear I'm going to have to re-think my strategy now.
I’m a little disappointed Harper Lee doesn't seem to be fully invested in her second novel project: “To Kill a Few Hours at the Mall”.
A panorama photo is just a regular photo with the top and bottom chopped off.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for one day. But give a fish a man, and they can make it last about two weeks.
They're making the dictionary into a movie. The only action is in the introduction when Noah Webster eats the rock monsters.
Your call is very important to us. That's why we're using a hackneyed greeting card phrase to describe our most heartfelt sentiments.
Why is it that motivational speakers tell us money doesn't bring happiness, then also offer us twenty proven tips for how to become rich?
Monday is always the hardest morning of the week to wake up, followed by a tie for first with all the other days.
In a hundred years, our life spans will be over 120 years. The trick is to make it that far so you can live that long.
I don't agree with what you're saying, but I'll defend to the death your right to tell me I'm right.
The controversial decision by UPS to outsource most of its drivers to India has backfired, official sources say.
Conformist laws of writing: When trying to be verbose, use as few words as possible.
Car commercials state that their driving is on a closed course, warning us: "do not attempt". Attempt what? Driving in circles on the interstate?
In a parallel universe somewhere, there is a Kanye Awards Show.
What if I don't want to agree to disagree? Have you ever considered that I just might want to disagree to that too?
Beware the Ides of March, especially when they sneak up on you in July.
Selfie sticks don't work. Now they tell me I have to buy a phone too.
I can't get Paloma Blanca out of my head, and now it's also infiltrated my sacroiliac.
Lawn gnomes are funny only to those who don't know any in real life.
Why do villains always seem to be selfish, bitter and mean? Why can't we have a villain who is thoughtful, grateful and kind?
The NFL has discovered all footballs since 2003 have been underinflated, so every game since then will be played over.
I ate an orange today that was labeled "80% fruit juice".
Facebook is nothing more than a temptress, who, once you 'Like' something, then tries to goad you back into unliking what you just liked.
There are no reputable people named Mikey.
I wish people would stop picking on Brian Williams. Misremembering things in exquisite detail isn't an easy task.
If you take a selfie in the mirror that shows the camera, you should be expeditiously exiled back into the Pre-Cambrian Era.
In its attempts to understand and define, humanity fools itself with precision.
90% of life is just showing up. The other 10% is taking naps.
If you like folding your arms a lot, you too can be a business executive.
We spend more time on time-saving measures than on the time they save.
Rene Russo. Cab Calloway. Fred Willard. Jimmy Carter. Prince William. Grace Helbig. People who are not Kevin Bacon.
I don't know how to react to an announcement that a famous person I've never heard of has died. I didn't even have time to miss them.
Tedium and drudgery temper and therefore work in synergy with enjoyment to help slow down the timeline for us to better absorb enjoyment.
Quick, Iranians, this is your chance while Brian Williams is powerless.
I'm having a near-death, out of body, sepia-toned deja vu experience in slow motion. It's been going on for over thirty years.
The object of LinkedIn is that if you can figure it out, you get a job.
Don't wait for your rainy day — make it rain today.
If so many people know what the key to happiness is, why do more of them keep discovering the real new answer?
Life insurance ads say you can "rest in peace", which only means they don’t want to appeal to the atheist market.
People assume hypocrites aren't sincere, but in reality everyone's a hypocrite, so it's difficult to tell which are truly insincere.
If you can anticipate impending disaster, it helps cushion the blow somewhat before you're completely annihilated.
Things to remember to say when ordering at the drive-thru... "Would it kill you to make it hot?"
Some things aren't very funny. Like dryer sheets, for example.
Not only is infinity incomprehensible to everyone, but it surpasses the collective imaginations of an infinite number of minds.
Before good customer service can happen, something first has to go wrong.
Life is already a bucket list.
The news story said "according to sources". When exactly would it not be according to sources?
Every major freeway in history has been under perpetual construction. How am I supposed to be able to relax knowing such things?
Vladimir Putin. Gwenyth Paltrow. Billy Joel. Donald Trump. People other than Kevin Bacon with 5-letter last names or industrial complexes.
It takes six months to get used to daylight saving time.
If scouts leave campsites better than they found them, in a few thousand years every campsite in the world will end up being the Taj Mahal.
When life gives you lemons, hey, maybe I like lemons.
Yesterday's tomorrow is now, and tomorrow's yesterday is now. We're living in the past and the future, and it's all now.
Life is now risk-free. If you're unsatisfied for any reason, you can give it back for a full refund, including shipping.
The difference between a bad day and a good day is often only one day. And then sometimes it's a few thousand days…
The chocolate on the edge of my mouth was left there intentionally in case I need some of it later.
Somewhere in the world, there's a person whose favorite band is Margot & the Nuclear So and So's.
When a product makes the claim of being "revolutionary," that simply means it's no different from all the other revolutionary products.
We think of ourselves as men or women more than we think of ourselves as living beings.
The bulk of what people say is balderdash. And the rest is folderol.
The ultimate aim of the news is to bring you to your knees begging for mercy while simultaneously asking for more, more, more.
The best cure for worrying is apathy. The best cure for apathy is more apathy.
The people who conclude that money can't buy happiness are the ones who were willing to carry out the experiment as a public service.
Dimensions are a concept we created to account for our perception. No model demands their existence, yet we find comfort in the assumption.
Wallowing in self-pity gets old after awhile, so you need to mix in a healthy dose of pity from external sources as well.
Does anybody really know what that song by Chicago is called, and even more importantly, does anybody really care?
In 37 states it's illegal to make carrot cake without orange frosting on it depicting a carrot and green frosting depicting the leaves.
Will be spending the next few months on a government grant studying the contrasting etymologies of "yikes" and "yipes".
The "damage" Brian Williams did at NBC was to raise too much awareness of media corruption.
Enormity of the universe and quantity of stars doesn't make a human being less relevant. Intrinsic value transcends any form of calibration.
I make sense. You don't make sense. Therefore, one of us named "you" isn't making sense.
Dyschocohaulia — Fear of having trick-or-treaters ring your doorbell when you're out of candy.
If you save 25 cents a week, in 10 years that's $130, which you could've used to buy things you'd enjoy instead of hanging onto money.
Will happily give my full allegiance to the Internet if it can produce a vintage circa 1950s photo of Burt Bacharach playing baccarat.
Daryl Dragon doesn't get quite enough notoriety in the world of musicians, but then again, he's the one who chose to wear that Captain's hat.
I should have known better than to go to the store on National Stand In Your Way Day.
Participating in athletics helps prepare youth for conflict resolution in other future endeavors, like adult softball.
Everyone at work is coughing today. I give them six minutes to live if they don't die by natural causes first.
There aren't any sharks who are aware when it's their week. We're wasting a full seven days on something that doesn't even appreciate our efforts.
Some so steeped in culture they'll be gushing over Broadway reviews even as the embers of civilization are being extinguished around them.
We made newly-developed self-parking cars to compensate for our individual newly-developed ineptness.
I seem to be nesting today, which can mean only one thing: tomorrow I molt.
People need to get along with those who want to fight them, unless these people are the ones who want to fight, then the others need to get along.
If you hope to be as the gods, their altar is the one where you must kneel.
People think life is a mystery because they don't understand what they know, as if knowledge had to have explanations.
Donald Trump won't accept my LinkedIn request. I know he's on there, because everybody who likes money is on there.
Disney resorts says: "Get the 4th night free when you stay a minimum of 4 nights.” So you don’t get the 4th night free if you only stay two nights?
We operate under the illusion that the passage of time necessarily represents progress, that humankind is de facto learning its lesson.
The pragmatic logician is fairly certain that he is mostly certain, based on his high level of confidence, which comes from his certainty.
My car has dirt on it. I can't fathom this troubling development, for I'm sure I washed it last year.
God gave us alphabets so we could spend countless hours playing games with arbitrary symbols and getting our kicks rearranging them.
He would lose an argument to a houseplant even before the houseplant had said anything.
When in doubt, use Latin to impress, for nobody who doesn't know what they're talking about would ever toy with such an elusive lexicon.
I believe!! I believe!! Sell me a mattress and transform my way of life....
If an audiobook counts as reading, then closing your eyes with the TV on does too.
When do people have the time to play games on Facebook? I barely even have time to ignore their requests.
My doctor prescribed placebos. Or maybe it was Tic-Tacs. And it could've been the lady in the cereal aisle — the signature was hard to read.
If I ever learn to moonwalk, cut my legs off.
Do the universes where parallel universes exist also have parallel universes of those universes? Science just wants to sell headache pills.
I'll bet Flo the Progressive Lady even gets on her own nerves.
Microorganisms are only allowing our species to live because we're a viable host for crumbs which sustain many of their civilizations.