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Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Name This Blogpost Before Kanye West Does

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Every time I see someone on their laptop or tablet, I borrow it to Google myself, just to make Google think I'm famous.

When someone says, "I've never seen anything like that in my life," clarify whether they've seen it in anyone else's life, just in case.

While I was driving I negotiated a turn, and they talked me down to 23 miles an hour.

Once you have truly learned something it becomes natural, just like falling off a bicycle.

I have the world's most secure password. It's comprised only of characters that I created myself, and it takes three months to type.

My online chess partner just played again after twelve years. It would appear I'm going to have to re-think my strategy now.

I’m a little disappointed Harper Lee doesn't seem to be fully invested in her second novel project: “To Kill a Few Hours at the Mall”.

A panorama photo is just a regular photo with the top and bottom chopped off.

Give a man a fish, and you feed him for one day. But give a fish a man, and they can make it last about two weeks.

They're making the dictionary into a movie. The only action is in the introduction when Noah Webster eats the rock monsters.

Your call is very important to us. That's why we're using a hackneyed greeting card phrase to describe our most heartfelt sentiments.

Why is it that motivational speakers tell us money doesn't bring happiness, then also offer us twenty proven tips for how to become rich?

Monday is always the hardest morning of the week to wake up, followed by a tie for first with all the other days.

In a hundred years, our life spans will be over 120 years. The trick is to make it that far so you can live that long.

I don't agree with what you're saying, but I'll defend to the death your right to tell me I'm right.

The controversial decision by UPS to outsource most of its drivers to India has backfired, official sources say.

Conformist laws of writing: When trying to be verbose, use as few words as possible.

Car commercials state that their driving is on a closed course, warning us: "do not attempt". Attempt what? Driving in circles on the interstate?

In a parallel universe somewhere, there is a Kanye Awards Show.

What if I don't want to agree to disagree? Have you ever considered that I just might want to disagree to that too?

Beware the Ides of March, especially when they sneak up on you in July.

I wish these people in the waiting room would quit coughing. Can you use a tourniquet to treat a cough?

Selfie sticks don't work. Now they tell me I have to buy a phone too.

I can't get Paloma Blanca out of my head, and now it's also infiltrated my sacroiliac.

Lawn gnomes are funny only to those who don't know any in real life.

Why do villains always seem to be selfish, bitter and mean? Why can't we have a villain who is thoughtful, grateful and kind?

The NFL has discovered all footballs since 2003 have been underinflated, so every game since then will be played over.

I ate an orange today that was labeled "80% fruit juice".

Facebook is nothing more than a temptress, who, once you 'Like' something, then tries to goad you back into unliking what you just liked.

There are no reputable people named Mikey.

I wish people would stop picking on Brian Williams. Misremembering things in exquisite detail isn't an easy task.

If you take a selfie in the mirror that shows the camera, you should be expeditiously exiled back into the Pre-Cambrian Era.

In its attempts to understand and define, humanity fools itself with precision.

90% of life is just showing up. The other 10% is taking naps.

If you like folding your arms a lot, you too can be a business executive.

We spend more time on time-saving measures than on the time they save.

Rene Russo. Cab Calloway. Fred Willard. Jimmy Carter. Prince William. Grace Helbig. People who are not Kevin Bacon.

I don't know how to react to an announcement that a famous person I've never heard of has died. I didn't even have time to miss them.

Tedium and drudgery temper and therefore work in synergy with enjoyment to help slow down the timeline for us to better absorb enjoyment.

Quick, Iranians, this is your chance while Brian Williams is powerless.

I'm having a near-death, out of body, sepia-toned deja vu experience in slow motion. It's been going on for over thirty years.

The object of LinkedIn is that if you can figure it out, you get a job.

Don't wait for your rainy day — make it rain today.

If so many people know what the key to happiness is, why do more of them keep discovering the real new answer?

Life insurance ads say you can "rest in peace", which only means they don’t want to appeal to the atheist market.

People assume hypocrites aren't sincere, but in reality everyone's a hypocrite, so it's difficult to tell which are truly insincere.

If you can anticipate impending disaster, it helps cushion the blow somewhat before you're completely annihilated.

Things to remember to say when ordering at the drive-thru... "Would it kill you to make it hot?"

Some things aren't very funny. Like dryer sheets, for example.

Not only is infinity incomprehensible to everyone, but it surpasses the collective imaginations of an infinite number of minds.

Before good customer service can happen, something first has to go wrong.

Life is already a bucket list.

The news story said "according to sources". When exactly would it not be according to sources?

Every major freeway in history has been under perpetual construction. How am I supposed to be able to relax knowing such things?

Vladimir Putin. Gwenyth Paltrow. Billy Joel. Donald Trump. People other than Kevin Bacon with 5-letter last names or industrial complexes.

It takes six months to get used to daylight saving time.

If scouts leave campsites better than they found them, in a few thousand years every campsite in the world will end up being the Taj Mahal.

When life gives you lemons, hey, maybe I like lemons.

Yesterday's tomorrow is now, and tomorrow's yesterday is now. We're living in the past and the future, and it's all now.

Life is now risk-free. If you're unsatisfied for any reason, you can give it back for a full refund, including shipping.

The difference between a bad day and a good day is often only one day. And then sometimes it's a few thousand days…
The chocolate on the edge of my mouth was left there intentionally in case I need some of it later.

Somewhere in the world, there's a person whose favorite band is Margot & the Nuclear So and So's.

When a product makes the claim of being "revolutionary," that simply means it's no different from all the other revolutionary products.

We think of ourselves as men or women more than we think of ourselves as living beings.

The bulk of what people say is balderdash. And the rest is folderol.

The ultimate aim of the news is to bring you to your knees begging for mercy while simultaneously asking for more, more, more.

The best cure for worrying is apathy. The best cure for apathy is more apathy.

The people who conclude that money can't buy happiness are the ones who were willing to carry out the experiment as a public service.

Dimensions are a concept we created to account for our perception. No model demands their existence, yet we find comfort in the assumption.

Wallowing in self-pity gets old after awhile, so you need to mix in a healthy dose of pity from external sources as well.

Does anybody really know what that song by Chicago is called, and even more importantly, does anybody really care?

In 37 states it's illegal to make carrot cake without orange frosting on it depicting a carrot and green frosting depicting the leaves.

Will be spending the next few months on a government grant studying the contrasting etymologies of "yikes" and "yipes".

The "damage" Brian Williams did at NBC was to raise too much awareness of media corruption.

Enormity of the universe and quantity of stars doesn't make a human being less relevant. Intrinsic value transcends any form of calibration.

I make sense. You don't make sense. Therefore, one of us named "you" isn't making sense.

Dyschocohaulia — Fear of having trick-or-treaters ring your doorbell when you're out of candy.

If you save 25 cents a week, in 10 years that's $130, which you could've used to buy things you'd enjoy instead of hanging onto money.

Will happily give my full allegiance to the Internet if it can produce a vintage circa 1950s photo of Burt Bacharach playing baccarat.

Daryl Dragon doesn't get quite enough notoriety in the world of musicians, but then again, he's the one who chose to wear that Captain's hat.

I should have known better than to go to the store on National Stand In Your Way Day.

Participating in athletics helps prepare youth for conflict resolution in other future endeavors, like adult softball.

Everyone at work is coughing today. I give them six minutes to live if they don't die by natural causes first.

There aren't any sharks who are aware when it's their week. We're wasting a full seven days on something that doesn't even appreciate our efforts.

Some so steeped in culture they'll be gushing over Broadway reviews even as the embers of civilization are being extinguished around them.

We made newly-developed self-parking cars to compensate for our individual newly-developed ineptness.

I seem to be nesting today, which can mean only one thing: tomorrow I molt.

People need to get along with those who want to fight them, unless these people are the ones who want to fight, then the others need to get along.

If you hope to be as the gods, their altar is the one where you must kneel.

People think life is a mystery because they don't understand what they know, as if knowledge had to have explanations.

Donald Trump won't accept my LinkedIn request. I know he's on there, because everybody who likes money is on there.

Disney resorts says: "Get the 4th night free when you stay a minimum of 4 nights.” So you don’t get the 4th night free if you only stay two nights?

We operate under the illusion that the passage of time necessarily represents progress, that humankind is de facto learning its lesson.

The pragmatic logician is fairly certain that he is mostly certain, based on his high level of confidence, which comes from his certainty.

My car has dirt on it. I can't fathom this troubling development, for I'm sure I washed it last year.

God gave us alphabets so we could spend countless hours playing games with arbitrary symbols and getting our kicks rearranging them.

He would lose an argument to a houseplant even before the houseplant had said anything.

When in doubt, use Latin to impress, for nobody who doesn't know what they're talking about would ever toy with such an elusive lexicon.

I believe!! I believe!! Sell me a mattress and transform my way of life....

If an audiobook counts as reading, then closing your eyes with the TV on does too.

When do people have the time to play games on Facebook? I barely even have time to ignore their requests.

My doctor prescribed placebos. Or maybe it was Tic-Tacs. And it could've been the lady in the cereal aisle — the signature was hard to read.

If I ever learn to moonwalk, cut my legs off.

Do the universes where parallel universes exist also have parallel universes of those universes? Science just wants to sell headache pills.

I'll bet Flo the Progressive Lady even gets on her own nerves.

Microorganisms are only allowing our species to live because we're a viable host for crumbs which sustain many of their civilizations.

Saturday, January 3, 2015

A Blog is Worth 1,739 Words

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We've transitioned nicely from the Information Age into the Too Much Information Age.

Minimum security prisons are practically advertising for inmates to try to escape.

Just when you think you've seen everything, a space alien in pajamas bakes a spinach ricotta soufflé out on your veranda while yodeling.

Don't cry over spilt milk, unless it's your party then you can cry if you want to.

I may be one of the few people who one time listened to albums by Motorhead and the Bee Gees in succession. The Bee Gees have better voices, just an FYI.

I've got some unused time left on the car vacuum machine if anybody can get here in the next thirty seconds.

That awkward moment when you say "hi" to someone, and they say something back.

I killed all the flies in the house, which made me lord over them. But now unfortunately all my constituents are dead.

I have no umph today. The umph store was closed.

Taking a mental note of something is about as good as an Etch-a-Sketch in a paint shaker.

The fluorescent orange Moldavian army of 1856 was never very good at camouflage.

I almost killed a popcorn kernel with my fly swatter. But apparently I wasn't fast enough.

Anything preceded by "they say" just means nobody wanted to take responsibility for it.

I wonder how squirrel families are able to stay focused.

My fantasy high heel Olympic 100m hurdles team is off to a very promising start this season. More than 20% of the team isn't in traction.

When you get to the end and they ask whether you embraced life, don't have to tell them you wore flip flops.

Just my luck I got hit by an asteroid on a day when there’s a 3-hour wait at the ER.

One tiny decision impacted my entire day. I couldn’t get out of the passing lane, and now I'm in Argentina.

They may call it the great white shark, but to its wife it's just a shark.

Late night TV commercials alternate between those for new medications that "may be right for you" and then others for class action lawsuits against previous medications that “weren’t right for you”.

I need some Kickstarter money to help me think of a project.

Technology is that thing we invented so whenever we go to public events they can tell us, "Hey, everybody turn off your technology."

An Allstate agent informed me they're now offering Accident Absolution as long as you use penance oil.

What to do when your instinct tells you to go against your instinct... I run into this conundrum every moment of my life.

Animals wouldn't attack us if we understood them better. Bears are just trying to give us a deep tissue massage with their claws, for example.

There are three types of people, according to the door choices in fast food restaurants: Men, Women, and Employees.

Took a Rorschach test and answered "inkblot" on every question.

Never give up. Even after you lose, continue under the delusion that you still have a chance.

Please be green — be envious of this sentence unless you absolutely don't have to.

After being told that only traveling forward in time is possible, I sent everyone in the world ahead ten years, and then I stayed back.

Pavarotti, with an elegant last name accompanying his legendary voice. All the same, he was likely relieved not to be Luciano Higginbotham.

Firefighters are way too violent. They should be negotiating with the fires instead.

I'm a hopeless narcissist-romantic... I have unrequited self-love.

Watched Napoleon Dynamite for the first time last night. Now that part of my brain can finally atrophy.

Anyone who has grown their beard out more than three inches is up to something.

I have reservations about making reservations at reservations.

Saying Frosted Flakes is part of a nutritious breakfast is like saying Ringo was part of the Beatles.

Western civilization: That mass of humanity with a curious fixation for zombies, pirates, vampires, superheroes, sharks and kittens.

The drumstick in my frozen dinner was apparently from a 4-inch tall chicken.

I'm reluctant to tell people that my yogurt talks to me, because it could unnecessarily influence their choice in yogurt brands.

When someone says "have a nice day," why are they assuming I’m not having a nice day?

The debit card machine asked me how much cash I wanted back. I said a billion dollars.

Microwaves can get pretty disgusting when they're not cleaned. And it was probably a bad idea setting all those rat traps in there, in retrospect.

Headline reads: "Experts puzzled by discovery." I guess that would make them experts then.

I’m guessing Aristotle never said “y’all”.

Whenever a city council vote ends in a tie, they should settle it with penalty kicks.

People who think you can't be friends with someone just because you disagree with them aren't worth befriending.

The objective of World Cup soccer seems to be to fall down and act like you're dying.

Zebras have stripes, leopards have spots, and giraffes have puzzle pieces.

I'll worry about cooking from scratch only after I can do two consecutive frozen dinners successfully.

Confucius say don't crumple paper bag that have toothpick inside of it.

When people see me walking down the street, I want them to say, "Hey, there goes Rusty Southwick — he's got a name."

Raising awareness for something only lowers awareness for everything else.

Life insurance companies say you'll be able to rest in peace when you're dead, knowing that your family is taken care of. I wonder if that’s a money back guarantee.

Ever notice that guys named Louie are never thin?

I watched the Academy Awards For Extras. Everybody won, and they all rushed the stage as if on cue.

Went back in time 20 years to see what would happen if I killed my earlier self, but it got me instead so now I have to wait another 20 years to try it again.

I want to get a concealed carry permit for a rifle, and I’ll just tell everybody it’s a leg brace.

If you haven't voted yet, vote for me as a write-in candidate from the Undecided Party.

There are no do-overs in life. The playground is a dirty rotten lying ne'er-do-over-well.

Mood swings are way too draining. It's much less work to just stay depressed.

Why is it that it takes your neighbor two hours to mow the lawn, but everybody else in the world can do it in fifteen minutes?

I never mistakenly lock my keys in the car because I use the tried and true method of keeping them in my mouth at all times.

Across the shame scale, crying shames would appear to be the severest level of shameness, with dirty rotten ones not too far behind.

The only thing worse than an illiterate fool is a literate one.

In parallel universe somewhere, Peter Scolari cements self as household cinematic name with roles in Iggy Gump and Stanley Versus the Volcano.

You can only operate outside of life's illusory quality by acknowledging it.

Greek goddesses likely get their feelings hurt when we take those “Which Greek goddess are you?” quizzes.

I'm addicted to life — I just can't stop breathing. Somebody, please... help me stop.

Trains and people sound better off in the distance.

We often ponder over why mankind must continually engage in war, and then for celebrating special occasions we go back to our fetish of fireworks exploding the air.

Pre-Starbuckus Era, 40,000 B.C. ... "Anyone want to go out for a drink? Say, water perhaps?"

The problem isn’t that I’ve got a dog in the fight. It’s that I’m betting on it to lose.

Please don't print this blog unless you absolutely have to and you're an uncaring shmuck.

Forever Stamp purveyors are fully cognizant they're selling damaged goods, since even the highest grade of postage stamps decompose after 350 billion years.

The best way to scroll on your phone is by holding your finger in place and moving the phone up and down.

Marathon runners keep reminding us that marathons are precisely 26.2 miles, because apparently they can't finish without that last thousand feet.

A hole is more the absence of a thing than it is any kind of thing. Indeed, it's a void — which is nothing. In essence, there are no holes.

Few things have aided modern man's progress more than the low maintenance of breakfast cereal.

I just received a message from myself from the future... It said: "Don't do anything different." Now I don’t know what to do.

Earth's magnetic polarity, a festering cauldron of enigmatic and symmetrical angst which renders civilization a poignant metaphor in time.

If I were going to stash something valuable all across the country, I think I'd hide it in bags labeled "Cappuccino Potato Chips".

We give credit cards our money, and they give us points. That sounds fair.

Is it possible to just ooh, or must one accompany it with an aah?

The Big Bang was big compared to what? There wasn’t supposed to be anything else.

Q: How do you knock over a World Cup soccer player?
A: Wait 15 seconds.

R2D2 had a filthy mouth, which is why they had to keep bleeping him out through the whole movie.

It's now 7:10 pm. This piece of factual utter irrelevance was brought to you by the purveyors of illusory linear thinking, and the letter J.

Now that crime is against the law, lawmakers expect that crime will be eradicated within the next twenty years.

When I forget someone's name who I haven't seen in a while, I just say "Hey, Mike." Half the time I'm right. The other half, it's a woman.

I fight the clock every morning. It always wins, though I have won a few silver medals.

Captain's log, stardate 47382: It's really dark out here. Someone needs to order some street lamps.

The office printer has a sign on it that says "Be kind to trees." That's like buying an office gun and then saying "Be kind to squirrels."

If you never try, you'll never find out. For all you know, the bank vault could be unlocked.

The audiobook of the dictionary isn’t quite as interesting.

I poured a bucket of ice on myself to raise awareness for Charlie Bucket's family.

My kingdom for twenty-three fiefdoms, obo. Call for details.

Monday, June 23, 2014

The Nameless Blog Post

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Ever notice how raindrops falling on a windshield seem to go after all the open spots?

If the landscape is ugly, just photograph it in black & white and it will come out fine.

Book publishers tell writers how they're supposed to write, so why don't the publishers just write all their own books if they know how?

I found a really low plane fare. I stay home for three days and two nights for only 10 dollars round trip.

Philosophers realize the only difference between a rabbit and a bear is semantics.

Anything that seems counterintuitive probably isn't.

There are way more questions in the world than there are answers. We should stop asking questions and let the answers catch up.

He guesses? He guesses??? Elton John knows darned well that's why they call it the blues.

Mow the lawn, and it grows back. Mow the lawn, and it grows back. Mow the lawn, and it grows back. Hmmm. Clearly, mowing the lawn isn't the solution.

People assume they're good at eating just because they’ve done it every day of their life.

It didn't bother me too much when I found out Santa wasn't real, however I was rather bummed to learn there was no such thing as roast beast.

Whatever mood you're in, remember that it's going to change. So for example, if you're happy, get over it.

I finally found my niche in life. It was hiding under a rock living with a pack of chinchillas.

Caps Lock is somewhat of a misnomer in that half the time it's for unlocking. They should really fix that.

Subconscious thought doesn't use words. Words just slow us down.

Is purple a flavor? Asking for kind of a friend... more of an acquaintance, really. I guess you could say they're in the range of a chum.

Paying it forward is just a cruel multi-level marketing scheme where the last person doesn't get to do anything.

God made a civilization of people if for nothing else so He could be entertained watching them debate over His existence.

I've got an ELO song on my mind and I can't get it out of my head.

The universe is trying to communicate with you. It's saying that your dry cleaning is ready.

We should throw caution to the wind, and then make frantic preparations for the impending hurricane.

It's not who you know, but to what extent you can get them to pity you.

I hate it when someone marries their best friend, because now that’s two spots being hogged by one person.

Many people are motivated by power, or greed, or recognition, or achievement, or pleasure. Not me — I can balance all five equally.

Nobody wants to fly with vultures because their carrion baggage is frankly disgusting.

Does logic operate under the presumption that everything must abide by logic? If so, logic is impractical. If not, it's self-contradictory.

You can fit a square peg in a round hole if you push hard enough.

People in white clothes have the impression they can cook better than everyone else, as if food itself were created by them.

Charles Grodin is an underrated actor. OK, now I just made him overrated by saying that.

I prefer writing to talking since people don't try to interrupt what you're saying as you write. A reader is a better listener.

You can go ten days without food, and according to Cuisine Survivalist magazine, seventeen days without hors d'oeuvres.

Nothing can be truly personal without knowing someone well enough to love them, though love itself is not personal. So nothing is personal.

When the current generation writes its autobiographies, their profiles will look like this: "The car part I was was a radiator, for plants I was a rhododendron, and my aura was limburger cheese..."

It's often expressed that things are not as they appear. But then how do they know how they appear to us?

Remember that the Hindenburg would never have been a disaster had it first been an utter failure and not been able to get off the ground.

We're worried about computers developing artificial intelligence and they can't even improvise my password when I'm off by one key.

Instead of saying "for lack of a better word," try "for absence of a preferable expression."

Texture in food is the vital temporary sensation of 
resistance when you bite, which then allows you to isolate the taste and move your jaws.

Stephen Colbert replacing Letterman is like Marcel Marceau replacing some other mime.

I like the high that comes right after the low that follows the high on the tails of another low, but only having first been a high.

When the radio station says it's got "some Foghat" coming up, that means they'll be playing the same Foghat song they always play.

scheubeltross, n. - that nagging feeling there are 14 unidentified things you're supposed to do before you go to bed.

Now I understand why people don't get up this early in the morning — because it keeps you from staying in bed.

Primitive and modern life colliding: Not wanting to use the wipers because the raindrops on the windshield have formed an elaborate pattern I want to admire.

Cities name and label streets as if they didn't want you to find them.

Double confession: Clapton, Marley both say sheriff was gunned down by them, though insiders think Clapton was just trying to cover for his friend.

Les Schwab, why don't you just make tires that have the aroma of popcorn?

Did Alfie ever tell Dionne Warwick what's it all about?

17) Item number seventeen.

The implied anomalous phrase "life's disappointments" suggests one thinks it was supposed to otherwise be a picnic.

Hi-jacking father time: Name a week such-and-such appreciation or awareness week and you're arbitrarily assigned credibility with the calendar.

Here's a 5 dollar coupon off the next sentence. Not redeemable with international treaties. By using this coupon you consent to hand over your full estate.

How to get someone to e-mail you less often: Reply by changing some of their original words, then say, "I didn't understand what you said." Also put a few strategic typos in for them so they think they've already lowered their credibility with you.

When people say they just have one thing to say, ask them: "Ever?"

Children enter life's bewilderment stage once old enough to ponder why rabbits would hide colored eggs and then people celebrate it.

Saying there's a fool born every minute is a blatantly babyist remark.

We feel a continual need to go behind the scenes due to an instinctive realization that the scenes themselves are no more than a ruse.

People talking amongst themselves: "I can't believe this guy is quoting us on his blog..."

Think of all the small animal life I'm keeping alive with all the food I drop under my desk. I imagine they have some monuments in my name.

If you have to ask the question, it means we don't have an answer yet.

I have a flexible budget. It goes between plus and minus all the time.

In parallel universe somewhere, budding lounge singer inadvertently spells his last name "Snotra," changes course of history forever.

Hey, technology: 90% of what I bought from you five years ago is either broken or outdated. But I do like all your new squirrel products.

Blueberries are purple inside. As are blackberries, boysenberries, marionberries and huckleberries. We had five good chances to call something purpleberries.

The universe is once again back in equilibrium, which can only mean brace yourself for impending disequilibrium.

For some reason, I find breathing to be rather cathartic.

Books aren't anything without their words, and words aren't anything without their meaning, and meaning originates in the mind. We are the books.

The 1980s called, but it was a wrong number.

Is a run-on sentence such a crime what's the big deal is there some special law of the universe that controls this sacred phenomenon give me a break?

Coincidence resides only on the surface with perception.

Minions just don't seem to get a fair shake. Pretty much everyone disparages them out of reflex. Could be a call for a minion coup.

Beware lest ye think you know the Bible backward and forward, for you may be right about the first.

Contingency plans are only good if they also have contingency plans.

If you haven't got your health, you probably don't have anybody else's either.

The key to happiness begins with having the right kind of socks.

We would be entertained in lieu of being enlightened.

Next time I'm at the art museum, I’m going to say "Show me the Monet."

Advertising really works. I simultaneously want to take out insurance policies with GEICO, Allstate, State Farm, Progressive, Nationwide and Farmers.

The quaint "survival of the fittest" is actually a euphemism for "evolutionary bullies of nature".

The future's so bright you gotta wear nuclear fallout glasses.

You should never make fun of someone who's doing a better job of it themselves.

I can foresee a day when highly advanced civilizations will converse exclusively in candy hearts.

If a website doesn't grab me after two words, I move on.

Celebrities get more notoriety for dying than they do for being born.

Monday, March 31, 2014

Thinking Outside the Giggle Box

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My entire life flashed before my eyes. But it took only 32 years, because they took out all the commercials.

The universe is smiling down on me today. Either that or it's laughing at me, I can't tell.

Somewhere in the heart of downtown Nantucket, people there have no idea that I'm talking about them.

Once they announce the best city to move to, everybody decides to go there and then it's no longer the best city to move to. So then they have to move out of it again.

I'm literally typing this. Sometimes I might type figuratively, but not today. Today I'm operating in the physical world with all of you.

Chase sent me a new debit card and said for me to destroy my old one because I had made a purchase at Target. I think it just may be a thinly-veiled plot to get me to buy bombs.

Why do you have to be careful what you wish for? Can't you just wish yourself out of it again?

How to get rid of all the bacteria in your house: 1. Put your house in a microwave for three minutes. Caution — house will be hot.

Confucius on Vaudeville: "Silence is a true friend who never betrays. Never give a sword to a man who can't dance. But seriously..."

They should've made all the states shaped like jigsaw pieces so then that puzzle would be more challenging.

Pig Latin natives think George Michael was a member of Amway.

The demographics of my friends is almost getting to the point that even I wouldn't befriend me.

Whenever I'm looking for a new home, it's always important to me to find one that's nestled somewhere.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, shouldn't all our eyes be in museums?

Environmental impact analysis: Millions of years of erosion has ruined the Grand Canyon.

Cold pizza eaters just don't have enough ambition in life.

Sitting here at the computer just thinking to myself. I find it usually works out better that way, which isn't to say I haven't tried other methods.

You can substitute for "sin" anywhere in the Bible with "Comic Sans", and it works the same.

If you say more than three whatevers in a one-minute span, you may not know what you're talking about.

Is it better to be oblivious, or to know that you are oblivious?

I've been selected to receive a free cruise to the Bahamas. And then some nebulous reference or other about sleeping in the boiler room while being bound and gagged, blah-blah-blah.

This just in: Bill Nye has provided irrefutable proof that he was made from a kit.

The ending phrase "...said no one ever" should come with a disclaimer of "except masochists." We always overlook the masochists.

Notes to self: Treat others kindly, seize the day, win friends, influence people, lose the friends, bathe, give the day back, eat yogurt.

Hurricanes get to be anthropomorphized, but measly little galaxies have to settle for non-descript monikers like NGC 2207 and IC 2163. What? No Galaxy Larry or Galaxy Edith?

I was born, I came, I saw, I loitered a bit, managed to remain relatively unobtrusive, and am hanging on to see how it ends. My life so far, in a tweet.

We need a new ice age every million years if for nothing us than to wipe out all our axioms and start over fresh.

Narciss- .... incompe- .... rapscal- .... malapro- .... surrepti- .... lugubrio- .... verisimilit- .... benefic- .... egalatar- .... Beethoven's unfinished spelling bee.

If you earn less than $4 billion a year, click here to see if you qualify for federal funding of the rich and famous.

And as I hung up the phone it occurred to me, he'd grown up just like Harry Chapin... my boy was just like Harry Chapin...

Incidentally, all my passwords start with the letter 'm'. I'm glad I could get that off my chest.

Personal movie recommendations are nature's way of helping you effectively weed out your friends.

People attend parties so they can do nothing in a more interesting environment.

Is it really possible to waste time? If time exists and if meaning exists, then time is unlimited. If time doesn't exist then there's nothing to waste, and if meaning doesn't exist then there's no such thing as wasting. And if time is unlimited, then it never runs out and thus it's incapable of being wasted.

Modern man has been conditioned to somehow believe that a dent on a car is an atrocity.

News programming wants me to decide whether someone is guilty or not, based on whatever information they have spoonfed me. Why don’t they just tell me…

Caution: This item was packaged in a facility that uses packing peanuts.

The tax company that puts the person in a Statue of Liberty costume dancing on the sidewalk is certainly one I want to trust my money with.

Somebody add me to your phone contacts and then text me at 541-227-0486. My phone's on vibrate and I could use a little massage right near my hip.

Is it dangerous for crooks to be out at night? Do they have to watch out for other crooks? Is there a crooks code of ethics where they respect one another’s space?

Don't overestimate the ability to underestimate what others have overestimated.

Bill Nye is now debating Boutros Boutros-Ghali on the existential nature of the bow tie.

Sorry, taste buds, you'll have to wait again till tomorrow for more chocolate. I know, I know... I'm totally in your camp on this one.

People who switch to Geico could save 15% or more on their car insurance off what it would normally cost to start a new country.

Challenges make us stronger — stronger for more challenges, which in turn make us stronger. It's just one vicious cycle.

10 Things to Do Before You Die: Breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe, stop breathing.

By the next century, everything on Earth will have won an award.

Took the "Which piece of burnt toast are you?" quiz. Those things somehow always seem to nail it.

You may be anal retentive if you sharpen your 0.5 mm pencil leads.

The best part of waking up.... Excuse me, but there isn't a best part of waking up. Lousy corporate Folgers idealistic imperialists.

Counterintuitivity isn't so much a problem with intuition as it is with the intuiter.

Facebook says it's free and always will be. That's the same promise that Henry V made.

The color gray is neglected and taken for granted by nearly everyone. It should be given its due, even if it is no more than reflected light.

I have nothing against protesters per se, but I’m thinking they could be a tad more effective if they raised their discourse above nursery rhymes.

Self-esteem. Self-confidence. Self-worth. Self-assurance. Self-love. Self-respect. Self-regard. Self-mastery. Self-contentedness. Self-control. Self-assertiveness. Self-reliance. Self-composure. Self-will. Self-direction. Self-approval. Self-discipline. Narcissism. Odds are I have at least two of those...

I don't like to say I told you so, but I don't like to say I told you so.

A lot of people won't admit to a fear of flying, and yet they’ll cheer and heave sigh of relief at a safe landing.

The beauty of Cap'n Crunch is that if it’s spilled on a dirty floor, it raises the nutritional value.

I like putting a bunch of extra things on my to-do list which take about 10 seconds each so I can check them off and ignore the real items. Today I lifted my left foot in the air, blinked, and looked at the ground.

Still waiting for a Bill & Ted moment where I left myself a few thousand dollars from the future.

The pivotal "Marcia, Marcia, Marcia" episode of Brady Bunch was bittersweet in that it's when the show grew up but simultaneously lost its innocence.

For those curious, I was named Rusty by my parents because they figured Hydrated Ferric Oxidic didn't sound as good with our last name. Plus one of them had known somebody with that name in high school and didn’t like them.

Why would I want to buy something that someone else is trying to get rid of?

One reasonable theory is that captchas are made by artificial intelligence to stump humans.

I don't care what it is, if it's roasted I know it's been prepared the way nature intended, if nature had intentions.

What exactly is it that harness racing jockeys do other than hold the reins and not weigh a lot?

A statistician delights in the notion that a snowman is about a million snowflakes.

The lottery is like trying to win an asteroid collision with the Earth.

So what's the real technology? My refrigerator has a defroster, while the satellite dish can't get the snow off of itself.

What year is it? Okay, don't tell me........ Is it A.D., or B.C.?

Whenever I’m in the mood to see lots of ads for things like catamarans, fleece, and imported ale, I’ll do some internet searches for catamarans, fleece, and imported ale. And, voila! my wish is granted.

Milli Vanilli now claims that it was saying "Blame it on Lorraine..."

Accidentally transferred 20 million dollars from my savings account into checking. Wonder if they'll notice I'm off by five decimals.

I find myself in a continual quest for opportunities to use the words namby-pamby.

A book's footnotes merely lead to other books that have more footnotes to yet other books. Why don’t we just read the first book?

How do ghosts properly voice their displeasure at a sporting event? 

I’ve often wondered where "Go-go gadget" fits into the origins of ancient ritualistic chants.

Our whole day revolves around food. Eat, text, eat, text, eat, text, eat, text... How is a person supposed to get anything done?

We need more game shows and talent shows and dance shows and reality shows. More, I say... More!

I just know that everyone in my life is secretly part of an elaborate flash mob and they're ready to spring it on me at any time.

These mysterious people on Facebook who go by a different name online... I'm not fooled for a moment by their persona in real life.

Dance Like Nobody's Watching

Philosophy Soccer