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Wednesday, October 19, 2016

Things to Forget to Clear Up Space in Your Mind

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I've finally reached stasis. Nobody touch me.

Potato chip survival strategy: Hold on to other chips in front and behind you. When pulled out of bag, let go and land on floor. Then play dead.

Tip to robbers: Crawl through the doorway following a robbery when you exit a store, that way they'll think you're only about 1 foot tall.

My earbuds say they're guaranteed to not fall out, with the disclaimer "as long as you allow one of our customer reps to surgically implant them."

Things different planets need...
Mercury: air-conditioning
Mars: women
Neptune: cigarettes
Jupiter: comic books
Saturn: new coat of paint

I tried to negotiate a turn, but I was only able to talk the car down to 45 miles per hour.

If a band uses the harmonica, that's a good sign their songs won't be about the destruction of civilization.

Dexy's Midnight Runners would have been music legends if only they had realized their potential and been like the Beatles.

You could win $1,000,000. And you could be sucked into a sinkhole on the way to work. So ask yourself, do I feel lucky... well, do ya, punk?

This is Prostate Awareness Month, and I'm just finding out on the 21st? How could I go that long without being aware of my prostate?

My guess is Occam probably never shaved, because growing a beard would’ve been simpler.

Nobody cares about temperature anymore... it's always humidity, humidity, humidity.

Linn-Benton Tractor said they're taking care of all my trailer needs. I didn't even know I had trailer needs.

Facebook notifications I'd like to see: "John Doe changed one pixel in his profile picture. See if you can figure out which one."

There's no need to kill two birds with one stone if you have seven stones.

Trying to solve a crossword, 11-letter word for "hindermost proclivity", and the ninth letter is a 'k'.

I forgot to mention the crossword is in Swahili.

You know we're real close to artificial intelligence when autocorrect gets the right word 3% of the time. It's like it's reading my mind.

The fatalist understands that putting one's ducks in a row only makes them an easier target.

I have my phone set to masochistic. It warns me if I have the volume down too low.

As the world spirals into oblivion, the universe balances it out with a new Phish album.

History will look back in bewilderment at the numerous civilizations wiped out in the Clown Wars.

The word 'Revolution' is popular in songs only due to its cadence in four beats. As it turns out, nobody really wanted to revolt.

The best laid plans of mice and men are doomed to failure, as mice have an undeveloped prefrontal cortex and men form committees.

There are thousands of car alarms going off all over the world at any given moment. If aliens are trying to come here, we may be scaring them away.

The two types of people in the world:
a) those who see it my way
b) those who are incapable of compromising

Mornings are a conspiracy to get me out of bed each day.

My pet slug ran away last week. Finally, after getting three feet away from the front door, he decided to come back.

Whenever a magazine gives 99 tips on something, I'm thinking "You were that close..."

Caution: That thing you just microwaved for five minutes to make it hot will be hot.

Dolphins may be highly advanced, but only 4% of them can parallel park, compared to 7% for humans.

Samsung to donate millions of Galaxy Note 7's to International Olympic Committee for lighting of the Olympic flame at 2018 Winter Games.

CNN reports there are ten times more galaxies in the universe than previously estimated.... um, which is also an estimate.

Bucket list in final week of life: Drive through red light fifty times while changing facial expression each time for traffic camera.

Samsung says the Galaxy Note 7 catching fire is a new feature. "What if you're stranded in the wilderness and you need to ignite something?"

I still don't understand why Jason Bourne was on Mars. Granted, it's a decent place to hide and all, but it's much more fun when he has to flee.

Every day we just go through the motions. Tomorrow, for a change of pace try doing it all telepathically.

Evolution of yapper dogs had they continued in the wild:
Yap!, yap!, yap!, yap!..... extinct.

It's always strawberry banana, but never banana strawberry. Somebody needs a better publicity agent.

If your doctor owns a copy of Medicine For Dummies, it could be time to start worrying.

Great... someone may have stolen the information on my fake Yahoo e-mail account.

There's no 'I' in 'me'.

You can tell if a musician is serious or not by whether they employ "la-la-la" in their la-la-lyrics.

They call Facebook social media because "propaganda psychobabble machine" had too many syllables.

Phish is a cross between a Grateful Dead tribute band without the drugs and the group that comes in third every year at the county fair.

Why are we so surprised when politicians lie? That's the only thing they're good at...

Every time you say "uh" or "um", an angel loses its wings.

Which shoehorned categorization fits your feeble attempt at describing your personality through a multiple choice quiz? Wow, that's me....

If nothing in the universe had eyes or visual sensory mechanisms, would color exist?

So it's vampires, zombies, werewolves, lawn gnomes, wizards, pirates... and now clowns. Mimes can't be too far around the corner.

Stores have signs saying they card anyone under 30. But then wouldn't they have to card people in their thirties to see if they're under 30?

Memo to The Onion: You can quit now—we've caught up with you.

Apparently someone on my LinkedIn list just added a new skill. I must stop what I'm doing and go find out if they can now swallow fireballs.

Iggy Pop rumored to be taking over Orville Redenbacher franchise.

"Which superhero are you?" None of them--that's why they get all the movie deals and then I watch them on DVD. Very subtle difference there.

When they say something free is "complimentary", it means the rest of what they're offering is going to cost you in gold bullion.

A book of idioms might also be titled "Headline Writing For Dummies".

Carpet and furniture fabric patterns camouflage stains by simulating them. Somewhere in there is a life lesson.

Monday, June 20, 2016

New Exciting Paths For the Synapses

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One thing they can never take away from you is your integrity. Also, they can't take away any of your bad personality traits either.

Yo-yo commercial disclaimer: "All tricks take practice." Just in case you were going to sue them when it didn't work the first time.

Medi-Share says it provides affordable, Biblical healthcare. Thank goodness leprosy is now covered.

Humans are possibly the third most gullible species, behind amoebas and tse tse flies.

I was trying to text "Not sure if I'll be at book club tonight," but autocorrect somehow changed it to "I'd rather languish endlessly in a vat of sludge."

You'd think they would make ovens already preheated.

They say don't go grocery shopping when hungry, but it should be don't go grocery shopping after winning the lottery or during surgery.

Left to my own devices, I'd probably just have my phone, tablet and laptop.

Any food that begins with the letter 'k' is automatically good for you.

Self-driving cars are merely computers that move. And we all know that nothing ever goes wrong with computers.

I just had an a-ha moment, and it was singing "Take on Me".

Whoever came up with the phrase "Give credit where credit is due" must've thought of that one real hard.
  
Being a political fact checker is basically the same as carding a class of kindergartners.

The curious art of competition is deriving a sense of accomplishment from your opponent's failure, and a delight in their frustration.

This is what happens when you have too many celebrities. Thirty years later they start dying off like flies.

Psychology has become an outmoded discipline now that we have online polls and Facebook profile quizzes.

Makes no sense for either theists or atheists to be superstitious. You'd have to be a mystic somewhere in between.

The most advanced species on the planet in the middle of the technology age, and yet we're still incapable of managing adequate parking.
If taking baby steps in one's progress means crawling on your belly while slobbering and eating lint off the floor, I can do that.

My presidential primary ballot says to use either black or blue ink, but it also says to blacken the oval completely.

So, when you say "you're dead to me," I'm guessing that's in a zombie-affectionate sort of way?

All the different awareness months are drowning out each others' awareness. They need an awareness bracket and an awareness final four.

If your city's motto is "Gateway to Better Cities", you may want to consider moving.

A new idea for Britain's Got Talent... Bring on an unassuming performer, have the judges look skeptical, then have the performer be Fabio.

Hail is always the size of hail.

Plato: "Is it better to be a sad rich person or a happy poor person?"
Socrates: "… and the mildly content middle class gets overlooked once again."

Alien report on humans... "Their ultimate experience would seem to be playing video games where you buy mattresses from Taylor Swift."

Anomalies are normal.

To the unprincipled politician, every hypothetical is a trick question.

I'm going to vote for the lesser of three evils this election. The first two evils are too creepy.

Capital One keeps asking me what's in my wallet. I store watermelons in there, if you must know. Probably ten, eleven at a time.

Communication Age: A bygone era when the term "literally" was misused about 95% of the time.

Everybody's always surprised how old they are.

There's no need to kill two birds with one stone if you have seven stones.

Pickup truck commercials give me the impression they think I'm desperately in search of a Sherman tank.

We think we're free, but the moon's orbit determines how often we pay our bills and the sun's orbit tells us when we can blow out candles.

Caught a cockroach and then let it back out into its natural habitat: New Jersey.

Everything you buy now is risk-free. In former times, there might've been a money-back guarantee, but you still had to risk.

"Bark like a dog" is most curious... good thing they clarify, otherwise we might think they're referring to a barking spider or penguin.

Waffles are just pancakes that somebody made an impression on.

Quantity over quality, style over substance, personality over character, appearance over content. Modern societal decay in four movements.

I was expecting Wednesday to come before Tuesday. Other than that, the week has gone just as I had planned.

Imitation is indeed a high form of flattery, but it's plagiarism that truly says they wouldn't change a thing.
Who rates the Better Business Bureau?

If only we could get Iran on some HIPAA violation, then we'd be set.

A dream not written is only a wish, but who has a pen while they're asleep?

Weather websites have so much bloatware on them I could be killed by a monsoon while I'm waiting for the page to load.

So glad everybody's posting houses for sale on Facebook. But my heart's on the little shack that you won't believe how it looks inside.

I can get all my daily calories from one box of cereal. This new discovery is going to greatly simplify my life.

Don't settle for the status quo — leave your comfort zone. On the other hand, appreciate what you have — the grass always seems greener on the other side.

Fast food drive-up windows have a sign saying no smoking within 10 feet. What driver are they going to enforce that against?

I like ordering things online just for the fun of tracking the package.

Leafblowers should be nominated to colonize Mars. It would be their higher purpose.

Baby steps makes no sense.... babies don't even walk.

In high school I was trying to decide which instrument to play, and then, Viola!, it came to me.

I support local communities. Those communities that are somewhere else are just too elusive.

There's no good reason for computers to not accept passwords when caps lock is on, especially when they already know caps lock is on.

"Operators are standing by" is just a fancy way of saying they'll answer the phone when you call, a rather profound concept.

The only drawback of technology is that it refreshes every few months and wipes out everything you had. But other than that, it's great!

Determinists are curiously never willing to give up any of their own personal "determinism".

Leafblower, leafblower, blow me a leaf
twig me a twig
branch me a branch

So let's say Occam's Razor is true 80% of the time. That's still nothing to feel existentially smug about.

Amazon wants to induce consumer panic (order now, only one copy left) while avoiding utter despair (don't give up, more on the way).

A grilled cheese sandwich is just two pieces of toast with cheese on them.

I end up correcting auto correct about ten times as often as it corrects my actual mistakes, so the utility of it escapes me.

Can you be a retired flight instructor without ever having been a flight instructor?

Working on my next motivational book, "Why Money Doesn't Bring You Happiness But How Getting Rich Is Still The Answer To Your Dreams."

When you open a door for someone, you're saving them three seconds out of their life. You have to do that 28,800 times to save them a day.

The main ingredient in breakfast cereals is goodness — about 90% of the recommended daily alllowance.

Richard Simmons wasn't missing — he just thought he was Leo Sayer.

Saturday, March 12, 2016

Misty Watercolor Memories

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There’s never a suitable snippet to go first. But somebody’s got to take one for the team.

"Hope is all we have..." Which itself is about the most hopeless thought imaginable.

My doctor asked me to rate my pain, so I consulted the Russian judge, who gave it a 6.5 on style and an 8.0 for degree of difficulty.

It's a good thing The Home Depot's logo lettering is diagonal, otherwise it wouldn't fit in that square.

103 years after the invention of the zipper, it continues to get stuck and separated. We must own up to the sobering reality that zipper engineering has failed us.

In the "Where Are They Now" segments, oddly those people are always older.

Memo to self: Stop sending me memos.

I’m unmotivated because I have low expectations of other people, and I live by the Golden Rule.

When Obi-wan spoke of never finding a more wretched hive of scum and villainy, he could not have anticipated leaf blowers.

You have a better chance of winning the lottery than being eaten by a rabid dolphin.

Trying to decide if I want to buy stationery at the Post Office or pay off my mortgage.

The Super Bowl halftime show once got the Rolling Stones thirty years past their prime, and this year it got Coldplay thirty years past not having one.

Do you ever feel like you're walking backwards? Like when you're walking backwards?

(this is not me, but an impersonator trying to look like me)
The closest thing to an ‘Unlike’ button is sending a LinkedIn invitation.

Do you have time to take a one-question survey?
Answer: No

Those signs that say "Thank You For Not Smoking" — how can they tell what I'm doing?

As I now listen to pieces of classical music, I realize these were from all the Bugs Bunny episodes.

Why are pharmaceutical companies so obsessed with telling me about all of my loved ones? Are they trying to hold my emotions hostage?

Social media is merely a way for the law to get us to take our own mugshots so they don’t have to.

Boy, do I have egg on my face after not getting the memo that today was pajama day at work.

Mulling over somehow seems so much more noble than just garden-variety thinking.

Scientists discover behind Planet Nine another three planets, as well as Amelia Earhart, Sasquatch, and asteroid belt of socks.

The size of the known universe is about a quadrillion quadrillion times as large as our solitary solar system, where we couldn't find a giant #9 planet over in the corner pocket.

The fiasco at the Miss Universe pageant never would've happened if beauty pageants didn't have to add to the tension by announcing runners-up, or if they just didn’t have beauty pageants.

On the flipside, Miss Colombia had the privilege of being Miss Universe for a few seconds that she otherwise never would’ve had.

I'm a minimalist/fatalist... I fear the worst will happen, but only in a very simplified way.

Leaf blowers have no sense of purpose, wandering aimlessly as if wielding metal detectors while blindfolded in the dark.

"My name is Inigo Montoya... you literally killed that word... prepare to die..."
"Stop SAYING that!!"

I can't decide whether to go on hiatus or take a sabbatical. Or I wonder if you can go on hiatus in the middle of a sabbatical...

Star Wars VII spoiler: They cast Leia.

You have a better chance of winning the lottery than 26 other people winning it.

Sarah Palin's endorsement is nice, but what I really want to know is who Carrot Top is going to vote for.

Dolphins don't have to-do lists.

John Ritter doesn't get enough credit for his work on Three's Company. All right then... that got him the credit he needed.

They always talk about where prices start, but no one wants to speak of where they end.

The jokes of my co-workers are so old that it's almost time for them to be funny again.

You have a better chance of winning the lottery than Jimmy Fallon, only because you can't win Jimmy Fallon.

Scientists have just discovered another quasar the size of 17 galaxies, hiding behind one of the international space stations.

Cake is overrated unless it's birthday cake. Otherwise, it should be rated just below corn nuts and right above kelp.

How is it that ham and pork are good for you, but bacon somehow isn't? Must be a conspiracy just so pigs can save their bacon.

An online ad for gambling addiction recovery shows a woman laughing. That must’ve been the before picture.

You have a better chance of winning the lottery than getting a nine-iron lodged in your throat.

How are computer viruses supposed to compete with the monopoly of Windows updates?

My car's not working… computer's not working... phone's not working... I might as well live in 1854.

The bank handling our mortgage reacted rather contentiously when I requested to change the draw date from the 5th of the month to the 12th of never.

Half the trends in the world are declining, the other half are on the rise, and the media will report that both are alarming.

Healing fast from injuries is a skill that only tough athletes have learned to master.

They should have a different name for "Double Bogey", like maybe "a Bergman".

It's a good thing we have movies, otherwise we wouldn't know anything about time travel or future technology.

We used to have to pay dollars for things, but now with recent modern advances we can pay in bucks, which are much easier.

I got a nice letter from Dell saying they miss me. Ergo, they miss my money.

A two-game winning streak is average.

Pure existence has no analogy.

We act as though we expect all close-range field goals to be made, but if it were automatic then we wouldn't need to do them.

The only area in life where things plummet is economics.

Leaf blowers take away our dignity, and all they give back is displaced leaves.

Lord, grant me the patience of Jake and Elwood Blues when they were in the elevator.

Presidential debates need moderators because people running for president can't be trusted to behave responsibly.

Brevity is the soul of

When something is successful 97% of the time, we still act surprised that the 3% ever occurs.

I ask doctors on a scale of 1 to 10 to rate how accurate they think their diagnosis is.

The main purpose of Facebook is to teach us that a building that looks plain on the outside can still have lots of neat furniture inside.

You have a better chance of winning the lottery than falling off a cliff in Florida.

I have 674 new updates in LinkedIn. I think I may check them during one of the next Olympics.

I feel like I have the force whenever I swipe my phone. A phone Jedi is nothing to sneeze at.

Any two nouns in English language should form a valid compound word, such as...
germfocus
waxhokum
theorycatapult
pachydermlint
dangerpickle

When life gives you lemons, do the merengue.

I was going to reorganize my spice collection but then I ran out of thyme.

Ever notice that "debt" and "debit" are so close in spelling?

Whenever Oil Can Henry's tells me my oil is low, I sense they're ready to slap the back of my hand.

You have a better chance of winning the lottery than of being married to Boutros Boutros-Ghali.

Do we have to keep calling people in cars 'motorists'?

Alternate endings to Star Wars VII...
Rey: You ah my fah-thah, Luke.

Luke: Nooooooo!!!!!!!

Friday, November 27, 2015

It's Not What You Think

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Instant oatmeal is a misnomer. I have to heat it up first.

You never see someone who is sad jumping up in the air when their picture is taken.

I agree to let this app monitor my biorhythms, taste my food, sell my clothes, and peer into my soul. Accept.

A goal not written is only a wish. And genies won't take anything in written form, which means we’re all basically out of luck.

I'm going to write a tell-all book. But first, I need a few volunteers that I can gossip about.

If there were any justice in the world, Mister Rogers would've been an announcer for monster truck ads.

Words With Friends congratulates me on reaching a certain amount of points each week, completely ignoring all of my humanitarian work.

I forgot my phone was still in airplane mode. That would explain why no one has called or texted me in the last eight months.

We should beware of wolves in sheep's clothing, as well as chihuahuas in poodles' clothing.

They always say it's an artist's rendering of how something would look. It's never an artist’s depiction of someone else's rendering. Can’t someone ever advise the artist on how they would render it, or are artists the only people who know how to render?

I like Facebook mainly for the pictures of food, as a survival technique to remind me that I need to keep eating to stay alive.

Everybody has good intentions, but the only question is for whom.

What if I don't want to agree to disagree?

If you just give me money now, I'll skip the sales pitch.

Analogies are no better than things that aren't like analogies.

Got "How to Win at Chess" only to find out my opponent had read it. Now have to get "How to Beat People Who Have Read 'How to Win at Chess' ".

5-Hour Energy drink has no sugar and only four calories, making it just as nutritious as motor oil.

Citing no other viable candidates, Mitt Romney is rumored ready to pursue his quest and get back in the ring to fight Holly Holm.

Nobody likes whiners, though strangely there are some people who like yodelers.

If knowledge truly is power, then absolute knowledge corrupts.

A tribal bushman from Africa wouldn't know that diagonal striped lines means don't park here.

Big shout out to mimes… since they can't.

When you go to a website, all the colors are produced from your own computer, not from the website.

You have more freedom in driving if you have brakes.

I never need to call in sick. I just tell them I'll be about 24 hours late.

You wouldn't need any roads if you were already where you wanted to be.

Being Canadian means always having to say you're sorrie.

Pedestrian, o, pedestrian
Gallivanting across
Nary the impetus or ambition
To reach the shore
Drowning in a sea of traffic
::::roadkill::::

Lightly salted means they couldn't help themselves although they stopped before they got too carried away.

The strategies of war involve outsmarting the opposition to get them to think you'll do what you realize they're aware of what you won't do.

So when exactly is life not surreal?

Dictators, telemarketers, leafblowers, morning DJ's. People we wouldn't miss if they conveniently vanished.

Birth is your cue to start mingling. Invitations are not needed.

Why are there no philosophers named Jimmy?

Conformists are annoying because they have to be like everyone else, and nonconformists are annoying because they have to be different than everyone else.

Inanimate things do not have birthdays, because a) they weren't born; and b) they can't blow out candles.

When a person asks, "Was it something I said?", say to them, "No, that would be correctable..."

I bought twelve yogurts at 33 cents apiece. So after figuring in my two overdraft charges from that day, it comes out to $5.92 per yogurt.

Don't you hate when you get to the end of a well-constructed, thoughtful and otherwise promising joke only to find it has no punchline?

People aren't that good at making sayings. A watched pot does in fact boil. And you snooze, you actually do win.

The newsfeed said skateboarding bulldog dies of heart problems. Couldn't they have the decency to wait till the next of kin were notified first?

War happens when nations run out of other ways to communicate with one another.

I've never seen two birds run into each other.

Convince people it's entertaining to lose their money against high stakes, set up bright lights, and voila! ...you have an industry.

People who speak in lots of acronyms think they're saving time, but all they're doing is further angering the literary gods.

If wars had referees and cheerleaders, TV and advertisers could make a killing.

Just an FYI… three capital letters and nothing else.

Life is not a spectator sport. Everyone's a pro, and everyone's on the field.

There are thousands of distinctive smells, but people can only describe a small percentage of them. Yet we have life's mysteries down solid.

If the Pope, Donald Trump and Caitlyn Jenner ever had lunch together, the media would spontaneously combust.

Panda Express' motto is: "I'm so sorry about that wait."

The etymology of every word ultimately goes back to the same words. Meaning is not intrinsic to terminology, which is a tautology.

Air is an addictive substance. Once you start, it's really hard to stop.

If you know someone who's afraid to pose a question on their own, is it all right to do it in their place? Asking for a friend…

I commonly do a few million Web searches for certain words in order to get them to become more popular in our lexicon.

Don't my Words With Friends opponents realize I've got better things to do than to wait around for them to take a break from their lives?

Leafblower guys wear earplugs, but they don't get any for us.

A marathon is tougher on slower runners because they have to run for 3 hours, while faster runners only have to run for 2 hours.

Fear is yourself believing a future will take over the present.

Standing ovations are more impressive than sitting ovations because when you sit that means you were too lazy to really mean it.
"Don't leave me all alone... take me with you!"
I always get Willem Dafoe and that other guy mixed up.

Boy doing a crossword puzzle while getting on the bathroom scale: "Another word for carcass..."
Father: "Carrion, my weighward son..."

Pseudo-intellectualism and intellectualism are competing for samehood.

Direct Message me to have me send you a thousand dollars telepathically. No strings attached.

When people say we're "beginning to understand" something, it basically means we still don't understand it and we have no idea how close we are.

Just another manic Monday... Wish it was Friday instead of Sunday... Then the next day wouldn't be manic Monday...

Those car alarms you hear going off all the time are the sound of modern technology, symbolizing our progress.

Rand Paul's campaign slogan is "Stand with Rand." But still not as good as "Sit with Mitt."

In art, if you mess up your painting, that's why they invented abstract.

Psst... that incredible stash of candy that you get all excited about every Halloween is available any time of the year for about $15.

Interviewer to player on losing team: "What kind of character does this team have?" Player: "We have none. We always give up. We don't know how to win."

What if the word "entrepreneur" were something less elegant, like maybe "hemlock", or "bobo"? It might not have quite the same appeal.

The good thing about a creative mind is it's encrypted so nobody can hack it.

Sharks are harmless creatures. They only want to eat you because they think you're a giant candy bar.

Don't correct people when they say something wrong — only correct them if they're correcting someone else.

I want to warn people approaching one another on a blind sidewalk corner, yet I also appreciate the fertile suspense such situations bring.

An auction is an attempt to get people to pay more than someone else is willing to pay.

Advancing technology means increasingly not being able to figure out how to operate what you own.

People who eat cookies before noon would probably shoot their dog if it were convenient.

The checkout clerks in grocery stores asking if you found everything all right need to be out in the aisles where all the action is.

The best way to confound your opponent in a competition is to randomly alter strategies so that even you don't know the pattern.

Pharmaceutical corporations fully support medical marijuana because it gives people more incentive to be sick.

The last generation that wasn’t freaked out by clowns has just entered retirement.

Monday, September 7, 2015

The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Redundancy

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Ice cream is a Marxist plot to ensure the bulk of grocery shopping is done within a 15-minute radius of everyone's homes.

Waterfall photos are airbrushed so we'll think the waterfalls are thin.

"And they came with their mattresses, saying 'Buy our mattresses,' but others said 'No, buy ours.' And tumult reigned throughout the land."

My skin is really sensitive. Every time I shave, it gets its feelings hurt.

Apologize even when you weren't wrong, because there's nothing better for a relationship than patronizing one another with fake feelings.

All fiction is contrived in the abstract except to the extent that it realistically portrays non-fiction.

My subconscious thinks I can find power tools in the refrigerator, so don't see why I should rely on it to reveal the mysteries of the universe.

I always feel like somebody's looking over my shoulder...... oh, it's me.

Recall alert: General Electric says it remembers making toasters back in the '90s.

Is anybody here a consultant? It doesn't matter what kind, I just need more consultants in my life.

How does American Ninja Warrior always know when it can safely go to a commercial while the next few contestants fall in the water?

It doesn't feel like Friday today. For some reason, it feels more like two days after a Russian holiday.

When all else fails, give up. All else has already failed.

Our back yard was voted "most wildlife-like" by the neighborhood animals.

I've got anxiety disorder after listening to radio ads say all day long "What are you waiting for?" And I still have no clue what I'm waiting for.

My suspicions confirmed that the blueberry is nothing more than a cleverly disguised undercover grape.
It's September already? It still seems like last September.

Idea: Bear Grylls as game show host, where all the contestants are wild animals. Please donate $20 to help me get this kickstarted.

Had Captain & Tennille instead gone by "Captain or Tennille", they could've just kept that name when Toni went to her solo career.

Individuals became overly impressed with themselves once they started manipulating powerful machines and directing vehicles at high speeds.

I feel sorry for regular salt now ever since it was just discovered this century that you can also get salt from the sea.

My pedometer tells me that shaking it all day is just as healthy as walking.

People think circular logic suits them well since it keeps conveniently bringing them back to their premise.

There are no secrets to life. Everybody's just winging it.

Your eyes do not see. Your brain sees through your eyes, but there are other mechanisms for your brain to see through as well.

My doctor gave me 46 more years to live, so I'm going to live each day like I have only 16,829 left.

The presumed symmetry or equilibrium we experience is simply two arbitrary models temporarily coinciding.

One reason scientists are the ones who discover things is that everybody else at work during the day.

Me: "Thank you. I think that takes care of everything."
Cust. Service: "Anything else I can help you with?"
Me: "Not since 5 seconds ago."

People say that a certain video is definitely worth the time. Will they also decide which purchases are worth my money or behaviors worth my integrity?

This is for when I'm too busy to write something later.

Yard sale people will never rule the world because they're incapable of making signs large enough for anyone to read.

I think I may have hallucinated driving late at night on our return trip home, though it made it more fun and helped me stay awake.

There are no exact sciences, except those in the abstract, which are imaginary. Our built-in margin of error is already at its minimum.

Saying "I could care less" is actually proper if one is being facetious. So knock it off, renegade comedy grammar police.

My mind was hacked yesterday, so now I have to come up with a new password.

If you're reading this, I predict you're a homo sapien born between 1870 and 2010. Either that, or a very tech-savvy dolphin.

Spoiler alert: There won't be a Wednesday this week, something to do with a hiccup in Earth's rotation. Should only affect subspecies.

"Who ordered take-out?"
Geometric shapes are mankind's way of imagining size, space and dimension, which we then unsuccessfully attempt to assign to the real world.

Postmodern Elizabethan Barrett...
"How dost thou complete me?
Allow me to enumerate...."

Always remember, forgetting is something you can't remember, so don't forget it.

The incessant hum bagpipes give off is an effective application of coerced neurosis.

If the store bananas are green, they'll be ready to eat in 2 days, but by then I won't be hungry and/or the world will have come to an end. Decisions, decisions...

I had a dream that everybody on Twitter was certifiably insane. And then I went to sleep.

This just in... oh, wait, it went back out again. Oh well, we'll wait for it to come back in.

I eat all my meals 24 hours late.

We're 20+ years into the Internet age and we still can't text over 160 characters, tweet over 140, or e-mail over 48,563,279,308.

Bumpers should be detachable, rubber, and worth about $100, then they wouldn't involve auto insurance. But instead, we like our cars pretty.

The aphorism about "pick your poison" is a false dilemma because if you have two bad choices you can wait until one gets picked for you.

If a discussion about artificial intelligence doesn't address matters of consciousness, then it's an artificial artificial intelligence.

It's hard not to coast when you can see the finish line and expending any effort would produce only a marginally different outcome.

Today is your best day because you don't have any other day.

How is Spider-Man supposed to eat if his mouth is covered up? Not very realistic.

The breakthrough discovery of the current music culture expertly utilized is that every word rhymes with itself.

AccuWeather's RealFeel presumes everyone feels temperature the same. It appears we now need sleep numbers for our weather too.

I need at least fifty more mattress choices before I can adequately make a decision on one that's perfect for me and will change my life.

It may seem all glamorous, but living paycheck to bank heist isn't quite what it's cracked up to be.

I'd like to raise awareness in general, nothing specific.

If the next big thing is already here, then I'd rather have the thing after that which hasn't come yet, because I know it'll be even better.

Retailers must get a special commission whenever you buy all the S'mores ingredients at once.

My phone battery is down to 7%, which in technology lingo means I'm melting.

Why is it that the things falling off a slice of pizza are always the best part? I wonder if they’re trying to escape.

The great white shark has a good publicity agent, as did Alexander and Gatsby.

Nothing anyone owned before passing from this life still belongs to them. Whatever we own now is no more than borrowing from a library.

You scratch my back, and I let you scratch my back. Because symbiosis is too complicated.

Knocked off three items from my to-do list, and it doesn't even faze me that another sixteen were added while I was doing them.

The best laid plans... if you have kids, you can throw all that out the window.

Smoke alarms are a conspiracy to get us to buy 9-volt batteries.

The Facebook Messenger app has been downloaded by over a billion people. This means about a thousand of those people are dying each hour, so be careful who you message.

Political record skipping…
1992 - Tired of politicians, will elect outsider
1996 - Tired of politicians, will elect outsider
2000 - Tired of politicians, will elect outsider
2004 - Tired of politicians, will elect outsider
2008 - Tired of politicians, will elect outsider
2012 - Tired of politicians, will elect outsider
2016 - Still tired of politicians, plan to elect an outsider but won't

Every question I ask comes with "asking for a friend" per my attorney. I'm also an attorney, and for some reason this confuses the witnesses.

Instead of getting breadsticks with my pizza, I just order extra crust.

It turns out every drink has a bouquet, including kool-aid and seltzer (together or apart).

Anything remotely associated with fruit or fruit flavors is thereby considered nutritious, up to and including the spelling of 'Froot'.

Polls reveal to us what people think regarding topics the pollsters pigeonholed them into.

I accidentally came across this website called StumbleUpon. But then they won't let me stay there, so not sure what that's about.

Web pages are nature's way of getting as much advertising to us as is humanly possible.

No, I'm not excited with anticipation. This is always how I am when there's an impending moment that will freeze your life in its tracks.

It's amazing how different colors can affect your mood. Chartreuse makes me giddy, while burnt sienna gives me the urge to invade Portugal.

The underscore (_) is a blatant conspiracy to hide characters in hyperlinks, and to make people say the word "underscore."

I can be a patient person when I need to be. I can always eat next week.

Knowledge is merely information, while awareness is knowing what to do with the information.

Looking at travel ads, every state in the U.S. is somehow a veritable paradise where one can commune with nature without limitations.

If you tabbed through all the cells in an Excel worksheet at the rate of six taps per second, it would take 90 years to finish.

You can encapsulate any profound concept within 140 characters, and still have some left over for exclamation points and emojis.

Name change suggestions for the word 'Internet': blàh-blah-blah, cybertruth tiger, vermouth, heliotrope, Buddy Lembeck, van occupanther.

"There's no such thing as ______" is only according to that perspective and experience. Negative absolutes don't make themselves known.

Allowing one's follicles to grow is not a special ability.

If you are not the intended recipient of this message, please forward it to whoever I intended it to go to, and then pay me for any damages.

Never open a book, because as soon as you do, its resale value goes down 50%.

Dance Like Nobody's Watching

Philosophy Soccer