My entire life flashed before my eyes. But it took only 32 years, because they took out all the commercials.
The universe is smiling down on me today. Either that or it's laughing at me, I can't tell.
Once they announce the best city to move to, everybody decides to go there and then it's no longer the best city to move to. So then they have to move out of it again.
I'm literally typing this. Sometimes I might type figuratively, but not today. Today I'm operating in the physical world with all of you.
Chase sent me a new debit card and said for me to destroy my old one because I had made a purchase at Target. I think it just may be a thinly-veiled plot to get me to buy bombs.
Why do you have to be careful what you wish for? Can't you just wish yourself out of it again?
How to get rid of all the bacteria in your house: 1. Put your house in a microwave for three minutes. Caution — house will be hot.
Confucius on Vaudeville: "Silence is a true friend who never betrays. Never give a sword to a man who can't dance. But seriously..."
They should've made all the states shaped like jigsaw pieces so then that puzzle would be more challenging.
Pig Latin natives think George Michael was a member of Amway.
The demographics of my friends is almost getting to the point that even I wouldn't befriend me.
Whenever I'm looking for a new home, it's always important to me to find one that's nestled somewhere.
If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, shouldn't all our eyes be in museums?
Environmental impact analysis: Millions of years of erosion has ruined the Grand Canyon.
Cold pizza eaters just don't have enough ambition in life.
Sitting here at the computer just thinking to myself. I find it usually works out better that way, which isn't to say I haven't tried other methods.
You can substitute for "sin" anywhere in the Bible with "Comic Sans", and it works the same.
If you say more than three whatevers in a one-minute span, you may not know what you're talking about.
Is it better to be oblivious, or to know that you are oblivious?
I've been selected to receive a free cruise to the Bahamas. And then some nebulous reference or other about sleeping in the boiler room while being bound and gagged, blah-blah-blah.
This just in: Bill Nye has provided irrefutable proof that he was made from a kit.
The ending phrase "...said no one ever" should come with a disclaimer of "except masochists." We always overlook the masochists.
Notes to self: Treat others kindly, seize the day, win friends, influence people, lose the friends, bathe, give the day back, eat yogurt.
Hurricanes get to be anthropomorphized, but measly little galaxies have to settle for non-descript monikers like NGC 2207 and IC 2163. What? No Galaxy Larry or Galaxy Edith?
I was born, I came, I saw, I loitered a bit, managed to remain relatively unobtrusive, and am hanging on to see how it ends. My life so far, in a tweet.
We need a new ice age every million years if for nothing us than to wipe out all our axioms and start over fresh.
Narciss- .... incompe- .... rapscal- .... malapro- .... surrepti- .... lugubrio- .... verisimilit- .... benefic- .... egalatar- .... Beethoven's unfinished spelling bee.
If you earn less than $4 billion a year, click here to see if you qualify for federal funding of the rich and famous.
And as I hung up the phone it occurred to me, he'd grown up just like Harry Chapin... my boy was just like Harry Chapin...
Incidentally, all my passwords start with the letter 'm'. I'm glad I could get that off my chest.
Personal movie recommendations are nature's way of helping you effectively weed out your friends.
People attend parties so they can do nothing in a more interesting environment.
Is it really possible to waste time? If time exists and if meaning exists, then time is unlimited. If time doesn't exist then there's nothing to waste, and if meaning doesn't exist then there's no such thing as wasting. And if time is unlimited, then it never runs out and thus it's incapable of being wasted.
Modern man has been conditioned to somehow believe that a dent on a car is an atrocity.
News programming wants me to decide whether someone is guilty or not, based on whatever information they have spoonfed me. Why don’t they just tell me…
Caution: This item was packaged in a facility that uses packing peanuts.
The tax company that puts the person in a Statue of Liberty costume dancing on the sidewalk is certainly one I want to trust my money with.
Somebody add me to your phone contacts and then text me at 541-227-0486. My phone's on vibrate and I could use a little massage right near my hip.
Is it dangerous for crooks to be out at night? Do they have to watch out for other crooks? Is there a crooks code of ethics where they respect one another’s space?
Don't overestimate the ability to underestimate what others have overestimated.
Bill Nye is now debating Boutros Boutros-Ghali on the existential nature of the bow tie.
Sorry, taste buds, you'll have to wait again till tomorrow for more chocolate. I know, I know... I'm totally in your camp on this one.
People who switch to Geico could save 15% or more on their car insurance off what it would normally cost to start a new country.
Challenges make us stronger — stronger for more challenges, which in turn make us stronger. It's just one vicious cycle.
10 Things to Do Before You Die: Breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe, stop breathing.
By the next century, everything on Earth will have won an award.
Took the "Which piece of burnt toast are you?" quiz. Those things somehow always seem to nail it.
You may be anal retentive if you sharpen your 0.5 mm pencil leads.
The best part of waking up.... Excuse me, but there isn't a best part of waking up. Lousy corporate Folgers idealistic imperialists.
Counterintuitivity isn't so much a problem with intuition as it is with the intuiter.
Facebook says it's free and always will be. That's the same promise that Henry V made.
The color gray is neglected and taken for granted by nearly everyone. It should be given its due, even if it is no more than reflected light.
I have nothing against protesters per se, but I’m thinking they could be a tad more effective if they raised their discourse above nursery rhymes.
Self-esteem. Self-confidence. Self-worth. Self-assurance. Self-love. Self-respect. Self-regard. Self-mastery. Self-contentedness. Self-control. Self-assertiveness. Self-reliance. Self-composure. Self-will. Self-direction. Self-approval. Self-discipline. Narcissism. Odds are I have at least two of those...
I don't like to say I told you so, but I don't like to say I told you so.
A lot of people won't admit to a fear of flying, and yet they’ll cheer and heave sigh of relief at a safe landing.
The beauty of Cap'n Crunch is that if it’s spilled on a dirty floor, it raises the nutritional value.
I like putting a bunch of extra things on my to-do list which take about 10 seconds each so I can check them off and ignore the real items. Today I lifted my left foot in the air, blinked, and looked at the ground.
Still waiting for a Bill & Ted moment where I left myself a few thousand dollars from the future.
The pivotal "Marcia, Marcia, Marcia" episode of Brady Bunch was bittersweet in that it's when the show grew up but simultaneously lost its innocence.
For those curious, I was named Rusty by my parents because they figured Hydrated Ferric Oxidic didn't sound as good with our last name. Plus one of them had known somebody with that name in high school and didn’t like them.
Why would I want to buy something that someone else is trying to get rid of?
One reasonable theory is that captchas are made by artificial intelligence to stump humans.
What exactly is it that harness racing jockeys do other than hold the reins and not weigh a lot?
A statistician delights in the notion that a snowman is about a million snowflakes.
The lottery is like trying to win an asteroid collision with the Earth.
So what's the real technology? My refrigerator has a defroster, while the satellite dish can't get the snow off of itself.
What year is it? Okay, don't tell me........ Is it A.D., or B.C.?
Whenever I’m in the mood to see lots of ads for things like catamarans, fleece, and imported ale, I’ll do some internet searches for catamarans, fleece, and imported ale. And, voila! my wish is granted.
Milli Vanilli now claims that it was saying "Blame it on Lorraine..."
Accidentally transferred 20 million dollars from my savings account into checking. Wonder if they'll notice I'm off by five decimals.
I find myself in a continual quest for opportunities to use the words namby-pamby.
A book's footnotes merely lead to other books that have more footnotes to yet other books. Why don’t we just read the first book?
How do ghosts properly voice their displeasure at a sporting event?
I’ve often wondered where "Go-go gadget" fits into the origins of ancient ritualistic chants.
Our whole day revolves around food. Eat, text, eat, text, eat, text, eat, text... How is a person supposed to get anything done?
We need more game shows and talent shows and dance shows and reality shows. More, I say... More!
I just know that everyone in my life is secretly part of an elaborate flash mob and they're ready to spring it on me at any time.
These mysterious people on Facebook who go by a different name online... I'm not fooled for a moment by their persona in real life.