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Tuesday, July 4, 2017

What Confucius Forgot to Say, But Told Me in a Dream

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Air makes food spoil, so the answer to solving world hunger is to get rid of all nitrogen and oxygen.

The radio ad said they wanted to wish me and my loved ones a happy holiday experience. Don’t they care at all about my enemies?

When a volcano dies, does it get cremated?

Enter for a chance to win, and a million chances to lose.

It doesn't matter how deranged others might consider you to be, as long as they still think you're saner than they are.

Nature documentary all-time won-loss record of rabbits in the wild versus other animals: no wins, 46,817 losses.

A young Arnold Schwarzenegger circa 1973, prepping for his classical music role-playing: “You be Beethoven... and I'll be Bach.”

Study says eating nuts every day could help you live longer. Or it could make you spontaneously combust at age 36, they're not really sure.

If an avalanche ever fell on a bunch of sharks that were eating pirates, the news media would go apoplectic.

Descartes: “I think, therefore I am. Plus, Captcha verified that I was human.”

Breaking: Harry Potter involved in unethical practices, according to anonymous sorceress.

Everybody wants to recycle, but nobody wants to cycle the first time.

If your bucket list includes scaling thousand-foot cliffs, I’d say it’s probably better to put that one toward the end of your list.

They should have chihuahuas be police dogs. They wouldn't help apprehend anyone, but at least it would keep the chihuahuas off the streets.

Traffic lights are going back and forth between red and green everywhere you look. How can anyone rest with all this going on??

When Buddy Holly asked for help on what to name his band...... crickets.

A pessimist is one who says “Things can't get any worse.” An optimist is one who says “Oh, yes they can!”

Instead of spending $15 on a pizza, send the money to me. And assume you’d eat pizza for every meal an entire week.

indescribable, adj. - “not describable; too extraordinary for description.” So then why is it an adjective?

Bill Gates was the only one who tweeted when Elvis died forty years ago.

I prefer doing things for all intents and/or purposes just to leave my options wide open.

Tribute bands are paying tribute while you’re paying them.

When someone says they're reaching out to you, ask them why they're so far away.

Little-known fact… The names of Lawrence Welk's two female assistants were: Anna 1, Anna 2.

My favorite insect is the praying mantis, followed closely by the genuflecting mantis and the curtsying mantis.

Exclusive: In order to maintain its ongoing credibility, People magazine reports once more that Jennifer Aniston is still alive.

My phone says my Verizon cloud is full. I guess that's how they introduce me to the idea that I have a Verizon cloud. Well played.

We're reluctant to let any species become extinct or any aging celebrity leave the earth.

When Oreo flavors and potato chip flavors eventually merge, that will be an indication of the end of times.

I just listened to a few songs by the Smiths, and now I have no ambition.

A debate merely demonstrates who the better debater is, not who's right.

Why would a terrorist organization not take credit for an attack? Would they be worried about their reputation?

Please support my GoFundMe account so I'll never have to work again in my life. I'll even send you postcards from Tuscany.

I wonder if internet links will still be underlined in a hundred years… if artificial intelligence hasn't annihilated us first.

Everybody's in a hurry to get somewhere, but they already are somewhere.

Horses are insufferable naysayers, which is why I can't be around them in closed company.

Does moss on my car mean it needs to be washed or that nature is protecting it?

Instead of “May contain content inappropriate for children,” shouldn't movies say “Contains content that may be inappropriate for children”?

The New York Times said in an opinion piece that according to their opinion, they know what some facts are. So is it their opinion they know, or do they know that it's their opinion?

The meaning of every word is another word.

Evolution has failed me... I always hit my stride five minutes before bedtime.

They could make movie theaters ten times smaller and just put people ten times closer to the movie screen.

Nothing like a good stretch… or being buried in an avalanche of marshmallows.

You never realize just how much you depend upon your phone until you have to go without it for a while... ten minutes is a heck of a long time.

3-D crossword holograms are the wave of the future. Unfortunately, no one has invented it yet, and currently Obi-wan is our only hope.

Don't be reeling off some elegantly-placed adjective when you don't yet have a noun for it to modify.

Saying “I Love Us” is half narcissistic.

The downfall of human civilization will be marked as the point where passwords turned into I-don't-know-what-it-is-so-email-a-new-one-to-me.

In the presidential election, early voters in some states were allowed to change their vote, but to make it official they had to tell Regis it was their final answer.

My linguistics professor once told us that no two words have the same meaning, which I find both astounding and astonishing.

It's quicker to say “Volkswagen” than it is to say “VW”, but people think they’re saving time by using an acronym.

We get it already, mattress brigade... mattresses are so soft that raw eggs can sleep comfortably on them.

I've been inside a cave for the last twenty eight years. Did I miss anything?

If RealFeel is generally 3 degrees warmer than the actual temperature, is the 72 I'm comfortable with the normal 72 or the RealFeel 72?

This could be the most pivotal presidential election in your lifetime, especially if you have the lifespan of a gnat.

If someone asks you if you're calling them a liar, say, “I'm ambivalent on the matter. I'll have to try it out and see how it fits first.”

My phone gave a warning that said listening to music at loud volumes may damage your hearing, so I pressed “I'm feeling lucky.”

I'm so busy, I have on my calendar next Friday: “There must be something going on tonight.”

People wear pajamas out in public because??...... all their other clothes are at the dry cleaners.

Ask a determinist if they'll let you make any of their decisions for them.

Exit polls confirm that voters are exiting the voting areas.

If only they made voting as fun as breaking things, then we would finally have our truly representative democratic process.

Social media has set humanity back two centuries, with the realization that we're collectively much dumber than we thought we were.

Tasty food is commonly referred to as “mouth-watering”, because “saliva inducing” doesn't quite have the same appeal to it.

Vortex, nexus and axis all curiously have the intersecting 'X' in them, probably from the shared Latin root 'excalibur', meaning crossing swords.

Social media has shined a light on how many eccentric people there are, dashing all preconceptions.

The English language needs to add more words so I can score higher in Words With Friends.

Unlike Facebook, curiously my Twitter followers don't cheer whenever I change my profile picture or remark on what a good look it is for me.

Everyone wants to go from point A to point B, but for some reason no one is interested in going from point B to point A.

If you just tell me the news, you don't need to also tell me that it's breaking. It's already implied in the basic concept of news.

A remote occurrence that doesn't happen 97% of the time on any given day will still occur, on average, once every month.

My only goal in life is to outlive all my to-do lists.

Wise man say: When having great day, don't limit to 24 hours.

30 days is our default period for approximating a month, and yet only four of the months are 30 days long.

Iggy Pop must've come after Shemp and Curly Joe, perhaps in an uncredited role.

If I won't believe #14, how come you put it way down at #14?

Tom Brady has gotten so good that he has to spot the other team 20 points in order to keep from getting bored.

All these lists of places to visit before you die, but what I’m really interested in is the list of places to visit after you die.

Somebody took my parking space, and then I remembered I don't own a parking space.

What happened to June?? I thought June was supposed to have 47 days.

Historians will be perplexed by incessant late 20th and early 21st century lyrical references to one's beloved as “baby”. Apparently these people thought of each other as infants.

Heat only feels good while you're cold, but once you're hot, then cold feels good.

(my next random thought will be unintentionally left blank)

If I talk more than three seconds in a day about cars, it's too much.

The same operating system that recognizes Caps Lock is on can't account for that and use the password entry as if Caps Lock were off.

I can't stay away from Facebook... it shows me how to cook all these meals that have such exotic colors. And kittens fit in there somewhere.

My phone warns me when I turn the volume too high on my music, yet it never says anything about the perils of social media.

Nobody really knows how to use the word “robust”, but it's a lot of fun to say.

An attribute of intelligent people is that they don't believe Facebook memes telling them what attributes intelligent people have.

People keep saying we need to stop the hate, but haven't remarked on needing to stop criminal activity existing since medieval times.

(this thought intentionally left unblank)

Is there any difference between prohibited and strictly prohibited?

There is 116 grams of sugar in a 6-ounce bag of Ocean Spray dried cranberries, which is only 54 fewer grams than if it were 6 ounces of pure sugar.

Celebrities have roughly 73 awards shows. They must like getting awards.

I didn't even realize they made home comfort systems. In former times, it was just hot or cold air blowing out your vents.

People who've been posting memes in social media for years are suddenly concerned about fake news.

Celebrity political videos where they keep repeating a mantra are really convincing. They're really convincing... they're really convincing.

There isn't anything in life that makes sense if you try to intellectualize it. But through intuition, you can understand at a deeper level.

Motivational speakers use their hands a lot while they're talking. It's all Jedi mind trick hand waving.

Winged insects must be perplexed by mirrors. It's a duplicate of the room they're in, with a force field preventing entry.

So that explains why Putin got eight million votes in Tennessee.

New animated movie trailers always tell you to “get ready” for something. Can't I just watch their movie without preparing ahead of time?

You have a moral obligation to not utilize your voting freedom.

Something's different today....... Oh, wait -- I forgot to get out of bed.... One minor detail and you're branded all day.

Warren Buffett makes a lot more money than Jimmy Buffett does, but Jimmy makes more people happy with the money he makes.

Remind me again how I'm supposed to vote, because I wouldn't be able to figure it out on my own.

Imperfection not only makes art appealing, but makes it bearable.

People who say they prefer dry weather should go live on Mars, because without rain that's what this would be.

Chess is a metaphor for life. You have to think ahead several moves or your opponent will get you in checkmate.

The TV ad says “Order today,” and I'm thinking: “Hey, they're right... I could give them my money right now — I don't have to wait till tomorrow.”

Wednesday, October 19, 2016

Things to Forget to Clear Up Space in Your Mind

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I've finally reached stasis. Nobody touch me.

Potato chip survival strategy: Hold on to other chips in front and behind you. When pulled out of bag, let go and land on floor. Then play dead.

Tip to robbers: Crawl through the doorway following a robbery when you exit a store, that way they'll think you're only about 1 foot tall.

My earbuds say they're guaranteed to not fall out, with the disclaimer "as long as you allow one of our customer reps to surgically implant them."

Things different planets need...
Mercury: air-conditioning
Mars: women
Neptune: cigarettes
Jupiter: comic books
Saturn: new coat of paint

I tried to negotiate a turn, but I was only able to talk the car down to 45 miles per hour.

If a band uses the harmonica, that's a good sign their songs won't be about the destruction of civilization.

Dexy's Midnight Runners would have been music legends if only they had realized their potential and been like the Beatles.

You could win $1,000,000. And you could be sucked into a sinkhole on the way to work. So ask yourself, do I feel lucky... well, do ya, punk?

This is Prostate Awareness Month, and I'm just finding out on the 21st? How could I go that long without being aware of my prostate?

My guess is Occam probably never shaved, because growing a beard would’ve been simpler.

Nobody cares about temperature anymore... it's always humidity, humidity, humidity.

Linn-Benton Tractor said they're taking care of all my trailer needs. I didn't even know I had trailer needs.

Facebook notifications I'd like to see: "John Doe changed one pixel in his profile picture. See if you can figure out which one."

There's no need to kill two birds with one stone if you have seven stones.

Trying to solve a crossword, 11-letter word for "hindermost proclivity", and the ninth letter is a 'k'.

I forgot to mention the crossword is in Swahili.

You know we're real close to artificial intelligence when autocorrect gets the right word 3% of the time. It's like it's reading my mind.

The fatalist understands that putting one's ducks in a row only makes them an easier target.

I have my phone set to masochistic. It warns me if I have the volume down too low.

As the world spirals into oblivion, the universe balances it out with a new Phish album.

History will look back in bewilderment at the numerous civilizations wiped out in the Clown Wars.

The word 'Revolution' is popular in songs only due to its cadence in four beats. As it turns out, nobody really wanted to revolt.

The best laid plans of mice and men are doomed to failure, as mice have an undeveloped prefrontal cortex and men form committees.

There are thousands of car alarms going off all over the world at any given moment. If aliens are trying to come here, we may be scaring them away.

The two types of people in the world:
a) those who see it my way
b) those who are incapable of compromising

Mornings are a conspiracy to get me out of bed each day.

My pet slug ran away last week. Finally, after getting three feet away from the front door, he decided to come back.

Whenever a magazine gives 99 tips on something, I'm thinking "You were that close..."

Caution: That thing you just microwaved for five minutes to make it hot will be hot.

Dolphins may be highly advanced, but only 4% of them can parallel park, compared to 7% for humans.

Samsung to donate millions of Galaxy Note 7's to International Olympic Committee for lighting of the Olympic flame at 2018 Winter Games.

CNN reports there are ten times more galaxies in the universe than previously estimated.... um, which is also an estimate.

Bucket list in final week of life: Drive through red light fifty times while changing facial expression each time for traffic camera.

Samsung says the Galaxy Note 7 catching fire is a new feature. "What if you're stranded in the wilderness and you need to ignite something?"

I still don't understand why Jason Bourne was on Mars. Granted, it's a decent place to hide and all, but it's much more fun when he has to flee.

Every day we just go through the motions. Tomorrow, for a change of pace try doing it all telepathically.

Evolution of yapper dogs had they continued in the wild:
Yap!, yap!, yap!, yap!..... extinct.

It's always strawberry banana, but never banana strawberry. Somebody needs a better publicity agent.

If your doctor owns a copy of Medicine For Dummies, it could be time to start worrying.

Great... someone may have stolen the information on my fake Yahoo e-mail account.

There's no 'I' in 'me'.

You can tell if a musician is serious or not by whether they employ "la-la-la" in their la-la-lyrics.

They call Facebook social media because "propaganda psychobabble machine" had too many syllables.

Phish is a cross between a Grateful Dead tribute band without the drugs and the group that comes in third every year at the county fair.

Why are we so surprised when politicians lie? That's the only thing they're good at...

Every time you say "uh" or "um", an angel loses its wings.

Which shoehorned categorization fits your feeble attempt at describing your personality through a multiple choice quiz? Wow, that's me....

If nothing in the universe had eyes or visual sensory mechanisms, would color exist?

So it's vampires, zombies, werewolves, lawn gnomes, wizards, pirates... and now clowns. Mimes can't be too far around the corner.

Stores have signs saying they card anyone under 30. But then wouldn't they have to card people in their thirties to see if they're under 30?

Memo to The Onion: You can quit now—we've caught up with you.

Apparently someone on my LinkedIn list just added a new skill. I must stop what I'm doing and go find out if they can now swallow fireballs.

Iggy Pop rumored to be taking over Orville Redenbacher franchise.

"Which superhero are you?" None of them--that's why they get all the movie deals and then I watch them on DVD. Very subtle difference there.

When they say something free is "complimentary", it means the rest of what they're offering is going to cost you in gold bullion.

A book of idioms might also be titled "Headline Writing For Dummies".

Carpet and furniture fabric patterns camouflage stains by simulating them. Somewhere in there is a life lesson.

Monday, June 20, 2016

New Exciting Paths For the Synapses

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One thing they can never take away from you is your integrity. Also, they can't take away any of your bad personality traits either.

Yo-yo commercial disclaimer: "All tricks take practice." Just in case you were going to sue them when it didn't work the first time.

Medi-Share says it provides affordable, Biblical healthcare. Thank goodness leprosy is now covered.

Humans are possibly the third most gullible species, behind amoebas and tse tse flies.

I was trying to text "Not sure if I'll be at book club tonight," but autocorrect somehow changed it to "I'd rather languish endlessly in a vat of sludge."

You'd think they would make ovens already preheated.

They say don't go grocery shopping when hungry, but it should be don't go grocery shopping after winning the lottery or during surgery.

Left to my own devices, I'd probably just have my phone, tablet and laptop.

Any food that begins with the letter 'k' is automatically good for you.

Self-driving cars are merely computers that move. And we all know that nothing ever goes wrong with computers.

I just had an a-ha moment, and it was singing "Take on Me".

Whoever came up with the phrase "Give credit where credit is due" must've thought of that one real hard.
Being a political fact checker is basically the same as carding a class of kindergartners.

The curious art of competition is deriving a sense of accomplishment from your opponent's failure, and a delight in their frustration.

This is what happens when you have too many celebrities. Thirty years later they start dying off like flies.

Psychology has become an outmoded discipline now that we have online polls and Facebook profile quizzes.

Makes no sense for either theists or atheists to be superstitious. You'd have to be a mystic somewhere in between.

The most advanced species on the planet in the middle of the technology age, and yet we're still incapable of managing adequate parking.
If taking baby steps in one's progress means crawling on your belly while slobbering and eating lint off the floor, I can do that.

My presidential primary ballot says to use either black or blue ink, but it also says to blacken the oval completely.

So, when you say "you're dead to me," I'm guessing that's in a zombie-affectionate sort of way?

All the different awareness months are drowning out each others' awareness. They need an awareness bracket and an awareness final four.

If your city's motto is "Gateway to Better Cities", you may want to consider moving.

A new idea for Britain's Got Talent... Bring on an unassuming performer, have the judges look skeptical, then have the performer be Fabio.

Hail is always the size of hail.

Plato: "Is it better to be a sad rich person or a happy poor person?"
Socrates: "… and the mildly content middle class gets overlooked once again."

Alien report on humans... "Their ultimate experience would seem to be playing video games where you buy mattresses from Taylor Swift."

Anomalies are normal.

To the unprincipled politician, every hypothetical is a trick question.

I'm going to vote for the lesser of three evils this election. The first two evils are too creepy.

Capital One keeps asking me what's in my wallet. I store watermelons in there, if you must know. Probably ten, eleven at a time.

Communication Age: A bygone era when the term "literally" was misused about 95% of the time.

Everybody's always surprised how old they are.

There's no need to kill two birds with one stone if you have seven stones.

Pickup truck commercials give me the impression they think I'm desperately in search of a Sherman tank.

We think we're free, but the moon's orbit determines how often we pay our bills and the sun's orbit tells us when we can blow out candles.

Caught a cockroach and then let it back out into its natural habitat: New Jersey.

Everything you buy now is risk-free. In former times, there might've been a money-back guarantee, but you still had to risk.

"Bark like a dog" is most curious... good thing they clarify, otherwise we might think they're referring to a barking spider or penguin.

Waffles are just pancakes that somebody made an impression on.

Quantity over quality, style over substance, personality over character, appearance over content. Modern societal decay in four movements.

I was expecting Wednesday to come before Tuesday. Other than that, the week has gone just as I had planned.

Imitation is indeed a high form of flattery, but it's plagiarism that truly says they wouldn't change a thing.
Who rates the Better Business Bureau?

If only we could get Iran on some HIPAA violation, then we'd be set.

A dream not written is only a wish, but who has a pen while they're asleep?

Weather websites have so much bloatware on them I could be killed by a monsoon while I'm waiting for the page to load.

So glad everybody's posting houses for sale on Facebook. But my heart's on the little shack that you won't believe how it looks inside.

I can get all my daily calories from one box of cereal. This new discovery is going to greatly simplify my life.

Don't settle for the status quo — leave your comfort zone. On the other hand, appreciate what you have — the grass always seems greener on the other side.

Fast food drive-up windows have a sign saying no smoking within 10 feet. What driver are they going to enforce that against?

I like ordering things online just for the fun of tracking the package.

Leafblowers should be nominated to colonize Mars. It would be their higher purpose.

Baby steps makes no sense.... babies don't even walk.

In high school I was trying to decide which instrument to play, and then, Viola!, it came to me.

I support local communities. Those communities that are somewhere else are just too elusive.

There's no good reason for computers to not accept passwords when caps lock is on, especially when they already know caps lock is on.

"Operators are standing by" is just a fancy way of saying they'll answer the phone when you call, a rather profound concept.

The only drawback of technology is that it refreshes every few months and wipes out everything you had. But other than that, it's great!

Determinists are curiously never willing to give up any of their own personal "determinism".

Leafblower, leafblower, blow me a leaf
twig me a twig
branch me a branch

So let's say Occam's Razor is true 80% of the time. That's still nothing to feel existentially smug about.

Amazon wants to induce consumer panic (order now, only one copy left) while avoiding utter despair (don't give up, more on the way).

A grilled cheese sandwich is just two pieces of toast with cheese on them.

I end up correcting auto correct about ten times as often as it corrects my actual mistakes, so the utility of it escapes me.

Can you be a retired flight instructor without ever having been a flight instructor?

Working on my next motivational book, "Why Money Doesn't Bring You Happiness But How Getting Rich Is Still The Answer To Your Dreams."

When you open a door for someone, you're saving them three seconds out of their life. You have to do that 28,800 times to save them a day.

The main ingredient in breakfast cereals is goodness — about 90% of the recommended daily alllowance.

Richard Simmons wasn't missing — he just thought he was Leo Sayer.

Saturday, March 12, 2016

Misty Watercolor Memories

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There’s never a suitable snippet to go first. But somebody’s got to take one for the team.

"Hope is all we have..." Which itself is about the most hopeless thought imaginable.

My doctor asked me to rate my pain, so I consulted the Russian judge, who gave it a 6.5 on style and an 8.0 for degree of difficulty.

It's a good thing The Home Depot's logo lettering is diagonal, otherwise it wouldn't fit in that square.

103 years after the invention of the zipper, it continues to get stuck and separated. We must own up to the sobering reality that zipper engineering has failed us.

In the "Where Are They Now" segments, oddly those people are always older.

Memo to self: Stop sending me memos.

I’m unmotivated because I have low expectations of other people, and I live by the Golden Rule.

When Obi-wan spoke of never finding a more wretched hive of scum and villainy, he could not have anticipated leaf blowers.

You have a better chance of winning the lottery than being eaten by a rabid dolphin.

Trying to decide if I want to buy stationery at the Post Office or pay off my mortgage.

The Super Bowl halftime show once got the Rolling Stones thirty years past their prime, and this year it got Coldplay thirty years past not having one.

Do you ever feel like you're walking backwards? Like when you're walking backwards?

(this is not me, but an impersonator trying to look like me)
The closest thing to an ‘Unlike’ button is sending a LinkedIn invitation.

Do you have time to take a one-question survey?
Answer: No

Those signs that say "Thank You For Not Smoking" — how can they tell what I'm doing?

As I now listen to pieces of classical music, I realize these were from all the Bugs Bunny episodes.

Why are pharmaceutical companies so obsessed with telling me about all of my loved ones? Are they trying to hold my emotions hostage?

Social media is merely a way for the law to get us to take our own mugshots so they don’t have to.

Boy, do I have egg on my face after not getting the memo that today was pajama day at work.

Mulling over somehow seems so much more noble than just garden-variety thinking.

Scientists discover behind Planet Nine another three planets, as well as Amelia Earhart, Sasquatch, and asteroid belt of socks.

The size of the known universe is about a quadrillion quadrillion times as large as our solitary solar system, where we couldn't find a giant #9 planet over in the corner pocket.

The fiasco at the Miss Universe pageant never would've happened if beauty pageants didn't have to add to the tension by announcing runners-up, or if they just didn’t have beauty pageants.

On the flipside, Miss Colombia had the privilege of being Miss Universe for a few seconds that she otherwise never would’ve had.

I'm a minimalist/fatalist... I fear the worst will happen, but only in a very simplified way.

Leaf blowers have no sense of purpose, wandering aimlessly as if wielding metal detectors while blindfolded in the dark.

"My name is Inigo Montoya... you literally killed that word... prepare to die..."
"Stop SAYING that!!"

I can't decide whether to go on hiatus or take a sabbatical. Or I wonder if you can go on hiatus in the middle of a sabbatical...

Star Wars VII spoiler: They cast Leia.

You have a better chance of winning the lottery than 26 other people winning it.

Sarah Palin's endorsement is nice, but what I really want to know is who Carrot Top is going to vote for.

Dolphins don't have to-do lists.

John Ritter doesn't get enough credit for his work on Three's Company. All right then... that got him the credit he needed.

They always talk about where prices start, but no one wants to speak of where they end.

The jokes of my co-workers are so old that it's almost time for them to be funny again.

You have a better chance of winning the lottery than Jimmy Fallon, only because you can't win Jimmy Fallon.

Scientists have just discovered another quasar the size of 17 galaxies, hiding behind one of the international space stations.

Cake is overrated unless it's birthday cake. Otherwise, it should be rated just below corn nuts and right above kelp.

How is it that ham and pork are good for you, but bacon somehow isn't? Must be a conspiracy just so pigs can save their bacon.

An online ad for gambling addiction recovery shows a woman laughing. That must’ve been the before picture.

You have a better chance of winning the lottery than getting a nine-iron lodged in your throat.

How are computer viruses supposed to compete with the monopoly of Windows updates?

My car's not working… computer's not working... phone's not working... I might as well live in 1854.

The bank handling our mortgage reacted rather contentiously when I requested to change the draw date from the 5th of the month to the 12th of never.

Half the trends in the world are declining, the other half are on the rise, and the media will report that both are alarming.

Healing fast from injuries is a skill that only tough athletes have learned to master.

They should have a different name for "Double Bogey", like maybe "a Bergman".

It's a good thing we have movies, otherwise we wouldn't know anything about time travel or future technology.

We used to have to pay dollars for things, but now with recent modern advances we can pay in bucks, which are much easier.

I got a nice letter from Dell saying they miss me. Ergo, they miss my money.

A two-game winning streak is average.

Pure existence has no analogy.

We act as though we expect all close-range field goals to be made, but if it were automatic then we wouldn't need to do them.

The only area in life where things plummet is economics.

Leaf blowers take away our dignity, and all they give back is displaced leaves.

Lord, grant me the patience of Jake and Elwood Blues when they were in the elevator.

Presidential debates need moderators because people running for president can't be trusted to behave responsibly.

Brevity is the soul of

When something is successful 97% of the time, we still act surprised that the 3% ever occurs.

I ask doctors on a scale of 1 to 10 to rate how accurate they think their diagnosis is.

The main purpose of Facebook is to teach us that a building that looks plain on the outside can still have lots of neat furniture inside.

You have a better chance of winning the lottery than falling off a cliff in Florida.

I have 674 new updates in LinkedIn. I think I may check them during one of the next Olympics.

I feel like I have the force whenever I swipe my phone. A phone Jedi is nothing to sneeze at.

Any two nouns in English language should form a valid compound word, such as...

When life gives you lemons, do the merengue.

I was going to reorganize my spice collection but then I ran out of thyme.

Ever notice that "debt" and "debit" are so close in spelling?

Whenever Oil Can Henry's tells me my oil is low, I sense they're ready to slap the back of my hand.

You have a better chance of winning the lottery than of being married to Boutros Boutros-Ghali.

Do we have to keep calling people in cars 'motorists'?

Alternate endings to Star Wars VII...
Rey: You ah my fah-thah, Luke.

Luke: Nooooooo!!!!!!!

Friday, November 27, 2015

It's Not What You Think

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Instant oatmeal is a misnomer. I have to heat it up first.

You never see someone who is sad jumping up in the air when their picture is taken.

I agree to let this app monitor my biorhythms, taste my food, sell my clothes, and peer into my soul. Accept.

A goal not written is only a wish. And genies won't take anything in written form, which means we’re all basically out of luck.

I'm going to write a tell-all book. But first, I need a few volunteers that I can gossip about.

If there were any justice in the world, Mister Rogers would've been an announcer for monster truck ads.

Words With Friends congratulates me on reaching a certain amount of points each week, completely ignoring all of my humanitarian work.

I forgot my phone was still in airplane mode. That would explain why no one has called or texted me in the last eight months.

We should beware of wolves in sheep's clothing, as well as chihuahuas in poodles' clothing.

They always say it's an artist's rendering of how something would look. It's never an artist’s depiction of someone else's rendering. Can’t someone ever advise the artist on how they would render it, or are artists the only people who know how to render?

I like Facebook mainly for the pictures of food, as a survival technique to remind me that I need to keep eating to stay alive.

Everybody has good intentions, but the only question is for whom.

What if I don't want to agree to disagree?

If you just give me money now, I'll skip the sales pitch.

Analogies are no better than things that aren't like analogies.

Got "How to Win at Chess" only to find out my opponent had read it. Now have to get "How to Beat People Who Have Read 'How to Win at Chess' ".

5-Hour Energy drink has no sugar and only four calories, making it just as nutritious as motor oil.

Citing no other viable candidates, Mitt Romney is rumored ready to pursue his quest and get back in the ring to fight Holly Holm.

Nobody likes whiners, though strangely there are some people who like yodelers.

If knowledge truly is power, then absolute knowledge corrupts.

A tribal bushman from Africa wouldn't know that diagonal striped lines means don't park here.

Big shout out to mimes… since they can't.

When you go to a website, all the colors are produced from your own computer, not from the website.

You have more freedom in driving if you have brakes.

I never need to call in sick. I just tell them I'll be about 24 hours late.

You wouldn't need any roads if you were already where you wanted to be.

Being Canadian means always having to say you're sorrie.

Pedestrian, o, pedestrian
Gallivanting across
Nary the impetus or ambition
To reach the shore
Drowning in a sea of traffic

Lightly salted means they couldn't help themselves although they stopped before they got too carried away.

The strategies of war involve outsmarting the opposition to get them to think you'll do what you realize they're aware of what you won't do.

So when exactly is life not surreal?

Dictators, telemarketers, leafblowers, morning DJ's. People we wouldn't miss if they conveniently vanished.

Birth is your cue to start mingling. Invitations are not needed.

Why are there no philosophers named Jimmy?

Conformists are annoying because they have to be like everyone else, and nonconformists are annoying because they have to be different than everyone else.

Inanimate things do not have birthdays, because a) they weren't born; and b) they can't blow out candles.

When a person asks, "Was it something I said?", say to them, "No, that would be correctable..."

I bought twelve yogurts at 33 cents apiece. So after figuring in my two overdraft charges from that day, it comes out to $5.92 per yogurt.

Don't you hate when you get to the end of a well-constructed, thoughtful and otherwise promising joke only to find it has no punchline?

People aren't that good at making sayings. A watched pot does in fact boil. And you snooze, you actually do win.

The newsfeed said skateboarding bulldog dies of heart problems. Couldn't they have the decency to wait till the next of kin were notified first?

War happens when nations run out of other ways to communicate with one another.

I've never seen two birds run into each other.

Convince people it's entertaining to lose their money against high stakes, set up bright lights, and voila! have an industry.

People who speak in lots of acronyms think they're saving time, but all they're doing is further angering the literary gods.

If wars had referees and cheerleaders, TV and advertisers could make a killing.

Just an FYI… three capital letters and nothing else.

Life is not a spectator sport. Everyone's a pro, and everyone's on the field.

There are thousands of distinctive smells, but people can only describe a small percentage of them. Yet we have life's mysteries down solid.

If the Pope, Donald Trump and Caitlyn Jenner ever had lunch together, the media would spontaneously combust.

Panda Express' motto is: "I'm so sorry about that wait."

The etymology of every word ultimately goes back to the same words. Meaning is not intrinsic to terminology, which is a tautology.

Air is an addictive substance. Once you start, it's really hard to stop.

If you know someone who's afraid to pose a question on their own, is it all right to do it in their place? Asking for a friend…

I commonly do a few million Web searches for certain words in order to get them to become more popular in our lexicon.

Don't my Words With Friends opponents realize I've got better things to do than to wait around for them to take a break from their lives?

Leafblower guys wear earplugs, but they don't get any for us.

A marathon is tougher on slower runners because they have to run for 3 hours, while faster runners only have to run for 2 hours.

Fear is yourself believing a future will take over the present.

Standing ovations are more impressive than sitting ovations because when you sit that means you were too lazy to really mean it.
"Don't leave me all alone... take me with you!"
I always get Willem Dafoe and that other guy mixed up.

Boy doing a crossword puzzle while getting on the bathroom scale: "Another word for carcass..."
Father: "Carrion, my weighward son..."

Pseudo-intellectualism and intellectualism are competing for samehood.

Direct Message me to have me send you a thousand dollars telepathically. No strings attached.

When people say we're "beginning to understand" something, it basically means we still don't understand it and we have no idea how close we are.

Just another manic Monday... Wish it was Friday instead of Sunday... Then the next day wouldn't be manic Monday...

Those car alarms you hear going off all the time are the sound of modern technology, symbolizing our progress.

Rand Paul's campaign slogan is "Stand with Rand." But still not as good as "Sit with Mitt."

In art, if you mess up your painting, that's why they invented abstract.

Psst... that incredible stash of candy that you get all excited about every Halloween is available any time of the year for about $15.

Interviewer to player on losing team: "What kind of character does this team have?" Player: "We have none. We always give up. We don't know how to win."

What if the word "entrepreneur" were something less elegant, like maybe "hemlock", or "bobo"? It might not have quite the same appeal.

The good thing about a creative mind is it's encrypted so nobody can hack it.

Sharks are harmless creatures. They only want to eat you because they think you're a giant candy bar.

Don't correct people when they say something wrong — only correct them if they're correcting someone else.

I want to warn people approaching one another on a blind sidewalk corner, yet I also appreciate the fertile suspense such situations bring.

An auction is an attempt to get people to pay more than someone else is willing to pay.

Advancing technology means increasingly not being able to figure out how to operate what you own.

People who eat cookies before noon would probably shoot their dog if it were convenient.

The checkout clerks in grocery stores asking if you found everything all right need to be out in the aisles where all the action is.

The best way to confound your opponent in a competition is to randomly alter strategies so that even you don't know the pattern.

Pharmaceutical corporations fully support medical marijuana because it gives people more incentive to be sick.

The last generation that wasn’t freaked out by clowns has just entered retirement.

Dance Like Nobody's Watching

Philosophy Soccer