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Tuesday, July 4, 2017

What Confucius Forgot to Say, But Told Me in a Dream

Air makes food spoil, so the answer to solving world hunger is to get rid of all nitrogen and oxygen.

The radio ad said they wanted to wish me and my loved ones a happy holiday experience. Don’t they care at all about my enemies?

When a volcano dies, does it get cremated?

Enter for a chance to win, and a million chances to lose.

It doesn't matter how deranged others might consider you to be, as long as they still think you're saner than they are.

Nature documentary all-time won-loss record of rabbits in the wild versus other animals: no wins, 46,817 losses.

A young Arnold Schwarzenegger circa 1973, prepping for his classical music role-playing: “You be Beethoven... and I'll be Bach.”

Study says eating nuts every day could help you live longer. Or it could make you spontaneously combust at age 36, they're not really sure.

If an avalanche ever fell on a bunch of sharks that were eating pirates, the news media would go apoplectic.

Descartes: “I think, therefore I am. Plus, Captcha verified that I was human.”

Breaking: Harry Potter involved in unethical practices, according to anonymous sorceress.

Everybody wants to recycle, but nobody wants to cycle the first time.

If your bucket list includes scaling thousand-foot cliffs, I’d say it’s probably better to put that one toward the end of your list.

They should have chihuahuas be police dogs. They wouldn't help apprehend anyone, but at least it would keep the chihuahuas off the streets.

Traffic lights are going back and forth between red and green everywhere you look. How can anyone rest with all this going on??

When Buddy Holly asked for help on what to name his band...... crickets.

A pessimist is one who says “Things can't get any worse.” An optimist is one who says “Oh, yes they can!”

Instead of spending $15 on a pizza, send the money to me. And assume you’d eat pizza for every meal an entire week.

indescribable, adj. - “not describable; too extraordinary for description.” So then why is it an adjective?

Bill Gates was the only one who tweeted when Elvis died forty years ago.

I prefer doing things for all intents and/or purposes just to leave my options wide open.

Tribute bands are paying tribute while you’re paying them.

When someone says they're reaching out to you, ask them why they're so far away.

Little-known fact… The names of Lawrence Welk's two female assistants were: Anna 1, Anna 2.

My favorite insect is the praying mantis, followed closely by the genuflecting mantis and the curtsying mantis.

Exclusive: In order to maintain its ongoing credibility, People magazine reports once more that Jennifer Aniston is still alive.

My phone says my Verizon cloud is full. I guess that's how they introduce me to the idea that I have a Verizon cloud. Well played.

We're reluctant to let any species become extinct or any aging celebrity leave the earth.

When Oreo flavors and potato chip flavors eventually merge, that will be an indication of the end of times.

I just listened to a few songs by the Smiths, and now I have no ambition.

A debate merely demonstrates who the better debater is, not who's right.

Why would a terrorist organization not take credit for an attack? Would they be worried about their reputation?

Please support my GoFundMe account so I'll never have to work again in my life. I'll even send you postcards from Tuscany.

I wonder if internet links will still be underlined in a hundred years… if artificial intelligence hasn't annihilated us first.

Everybody's in a hurry to get somewhere, but they already are somewhere.

Horses are insufferable naysayers, which is why I can't be around them in closed company.

Does moss on my car mean it needs to be washed or that nature is protecting it?

Instead of “May contain content inappropriate for children,” shouldn't movies say “Contains content that may be inappropriate for children”?

The New York Times said in an opinion piece that according to their opinion, they know what some facts are. So is it their opinion they know, or do they know that it's their opinion?

The meaning of every word is another word.

Evolution has failed me... I always hit my stride five minutes before bedtime.

They could make movie theaters ten times smaller and just put people ten times closer to the movie screen.

Nothing like a good stretch… or being buried in an avalanche of marshmallows.

You never realize just how much you depend upon your phone until you have to go without it for a while... ten minutes is a heck of a long time.

3-D crossword holograms are the wave of the future. Unfortunately, no one has invented it yet, and currently Obi-wan is our only hope.

Don't be reeling off some elegantly-placed adjective when you don't yet have a noun for it to modify.

Saying “I Love Us” is half narcissistic.

The downfall of human civilization will be marked as the point where passwords turned into I-don't-know-what-it-is-so-email-a-new-one-to-me.

In the presidential election, early voters in some states were allowed to change their vote, but to make it official they had to tell Regis it was their final answer.

My linguistics professor once told us that no two words have the same meaning, which I find both astounding and astonishing.

It's quicker to say “Volkswagen” than it is to say “VW”, but people think they’re saving time by using an acronym.

We get it already, mattress brigade... mattresses are so soft that raw eggs can sleep comfortably on them.

I've been inside a cave for the last twenty eight years. Did I miss anything?

If RealFeel is generally 3 degrees warmer than the actual temperature, is the 72 I'm comfortable with the normal 72 or the RealFeel 72?

This could be the most pivotal presidential election in your lifetime, especially if you have the lifespan of a gnat.

If someone asks you if you're calling them a liar, say, “I'm ambivalent on the matter. I'll have to try it out and see how it fits first.”

My phone gave a warning that said listening to music at loud volumes may damage your hearing, so I pressed “I'm feeling lucky.”

I'm so busy, I have on my calendar next Friday: “There must be something going on tonight.”

People wear pajamas out in public because??...... all their other clothes are at the dry cleaners.

Ask a determinist if they'll let you make any of their decisions for them.

Exit polls confirm that voters are exiting the voting areas.

If only they made voting as fun as breaking things, then we would finally have our truly representative democratic process.

Social media has set humanity back two centuries, with the realization that we're collectively much dumber than we thought we were.

Tasty food is commonly referred to as “mouth-watering”, because “saliva inducing” doesn't quite have the same appeal to it.

Vortex, nexus and axis all curiously have the intersecting 'X' in them, probably from the shared Latin root 'excalibur', meaning crossing swords.

Social media has shined a light on how many eccentric people there are, dashing all preconceptions.

The English language needs to add more words so I can score higher in Words With Friends.

Unlike Facebook, curiously my Twitter followers don't cheer whenever I change my profile picture or remark on what a good look it is for me.

Everyone wants to go from point A to point B, but for some reason no one is interested in going from point B to point A.

If you just tell me the news, you don't need to also tell me that it's breaking. It's already implied in the basic concept of news.

A remote occurrence that doesn't happen 97% of the time on any given day will still occur, on average, once every month.

My only goal in life is to outlive all my to-do lists.

Wise man say: When having great day, don't limit to 24 hours.

30 days is our default period for approximating a month, and yet only four of the months are 30 days long.

Iggy Pop must've come after Shemp and Curly Joe, perhaps in an uncredited role.

If I won't believe #14, how come you put it way down at #14?

Tom Brady has gotten so good that he has to spot the other team 20 points in order to keep from getting bored.

All these lists of places to visit before you die, but what I’m really interested in is the list of places to visit after you die.

Somebody took my parking space, and then I remembered I don't own a parking space.

What happened to June?? I thought June was supposed to have 47 days.

Historians will be perplexed by incessant late 20th and early 21st century lyrical references to one's beloved as “baby”. Apparently these people thought of each other as infants.

Heat only feels good while you're cold, but once you're hot, then cold feels good.

(my next random thought will be unintentionally left blank)

If I talk more than three seconds in a day about cars, it's too much.

The same operating system that recognizes Caps Lock is on can't account for that and use the password entry as if Caps Lock were off.

I can't stay away from Facebook... it shows me how to cook all these meals that have such exotic colors. And kittens fit in there somewhere.

My phone warns me when I turn the volume too high on my music, yet it never says anything about the perils of social media.

Nobody really knows how to use the word “robust”, but it's a lot of fun to say.

An attribute of intelligent people is that they don't believe Facebook memes telling them what attributes intelligent people have.

People keep saying we need to stop the hate, but haven't remarked on needing to stop criminal activity existing since medieval times.

(this thought intentionally left unblank)

Is there any difference between prohibited and strictly prohibited?

There is 116 grams of sugar in a 6-ounce bag of Ocean Spray dried cranberries, which is only 54 fewer grams than if it were 6 ounces of pure sugar.

Celebrities have roughly 73 awards shows. They must like getting awards.

I didn't even realize they made home comfort systems. In former times, it was just hot or cold air blowing out your vents.

People who've been posting memes in social media for years are suddenly concerned about fake news.

Celebrity political videos where they keep repeating a mantra are really convincing. They're really convincing... they're really convincing.

There isn't anything in life that makes sense if you try to intellectualize it. But through intuition, you can understand at a deeper level.

Motivational speakers use their hands a lot while they're talking. It's all Jedi mind trick hand waving.

Winged insects must be perplexed by mirrors. It's a duplicate of the room they're in, with a force field preventing entry.

So that explains why Putin got eight million votes in Tennessee.

New animated movie trailers always tell you to “get ready” for something. Can't I just watch their movie without preparing ahead of time?

You have a moral obligation to not utilize your voting freedom.

Something's different today....... Oh, wait -- I forgot to get out of bed.... One minor detail and you're branded all day.

Warren Buffett makes a lot more money than Jimmy Buffett does, but Jimmy makes more people happy with the money he makes.

Remind me again how I'm supposed to vote, because I wouldn't be able to figure it out on my own.

Imperfection not only makes art appealing, but makes it bearable.

People who say they prefer dry weather should go live on Mars, because without rain that's what this would be.

Chess is a metaphor for life. You have to think ahead several moves or your opponent will get you in checkmate.

The TV ad says “Order today,” and I'm thinking: “Hey, they're right... I could give them my money right now — I don't have to wait till tomorrow.”

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