Have you noticed that everything in
life comes in threes? It does, although sometimes it stops at 1 or 2 until the
third one comes along.
Crest says on the label that it fights cavities and tartar. That's what I need is a toothpaste that gets violent with my mouth.
I'm one of those OCD people who cares that Jimmy cracked corn.
The best strategy for how to get
married is to send out wedding invitations. Someone is bound to show up.
If the shoe doesn't fit, throw it at
the guy who made up the phrase "If the shoe fits…"
Poetry was invented so men could
pretend to be romantic.
A traditional pencil is nice until the
lead breaks. And like I'm going to have a sharpener with me out in the Kalahari.
Rabbits never win in nature
documentaries.
A
simplistic accumulative mentality so many subscribe to operates under
presumption that if you're in 40-degree weather twice, you're warm.
Random acts of kindness just means you
can't control your kindness.
For a change of pace, I've decided to
bother my sinuses.
I
can never remember where I parked. Was it at Wal-Mart, or at the airport?
In another ten years, mayonnaise will
have given way to 'mayo', and if we’re lucky, antidisestablishmentarianism will
have given way to 'ant'.
Flo is haunting me now. She won't leave
me alone for even a moment… I'm going to buy Progressive just to satisfy the
ghost of insurance present.
In
literature they refer to reality as "non-fiction", as if it were some
curious derivative of fiction.
A
truly diverse society would have no less than a thousand Spice Girls.
You
mean you'll actually let me put a whole bunch of different colored glowing
things in a row… for free? And I can do this activity anytime I want to?
Adobe Flash Player would make a good
virus if it weren't a real program.
Sometimes I try to pretend that life
is real, but then I see all the bad acting and the illusion goes away.
When given a choice between two
mediocre options, rebel, protest and tell them even Monty Hall had a third
door.
They say no two snowflakes are alike.
Except for snowflake doppelgangers, a very rare strain of snowflake.
(voice from across the Confucius household,
circa 500 B.C.) "Honey, what did I do with the aphorisms?"
None of us really has an exact shoe
size, even if you include halves. We're all somewhere between two sizes. This
is rather upsetting to me. I spent about 70 million brain cells thinking about
this, although I think they're the kind that are renewable.
Haggling
with the Verizon salesman to see if I can get him up to 6 G's.
In the lyrics to Hey Jude, I totally get
the meaning behind the eleventh set of "nah nah-nah nah-nah-nah-nah,
nah-nah-nah-nah," but not the sixth one.
Today
feels like a Thursday that feels like Saturday.
Within the next 10 years, scientists
hope to discover that we really don't have a mojo.
Looked up the definition of the word
"definition" in the dictionary, and it resulted in an out-of-body
experience.
As much as we strive for structure and predictability, the harsh reality is life is a playlist on shuffle, which makes it much more interesting.
One
TV show that doesn't quite get enough notoriety is Paid Programming — in its
34th season and still going strong.
People
are always asking me what my cell number is, and yet even after I tell them they
still never come and visit me in prison.
Why
is it that John Tesh's head is usually tilted? Just an innocent observation,
but I think if we ask enough of the right questions, we may end up solving the
mystery of the universe.
Feeling especially daring today, I've decided to see what happens when you septuple-click the mouse. It may open up another dimension or just make fries, it's hard to tell. Like any worthwhile explorer, they always announce what they're embarking on so later everyone knows what the burn marks on the floor were from. I'm going to test it on a prototype first in case I accidentally octuple-click, and then it's banzai.
Feeling especially daring today, I've decided to see what happens when you septuple-click the mouse. It may open up another dimension or just make fries, it's hard to tell. Like any worthwhile explorer, they always announce what they're embarking on so later everyone knows what the burn marks on the floor were from. I'm going to test it on a prototype first in case I accidentally octuple-click, and then it's banzai.
Two-thirds of a phone call is spent
winding up the phone call.
To understand everything there is to
understand, which is nothing. If that much isn't understood, then one
understands less than nothing.
Find
out from your doctor if these side effects are right for you.
As
uttered sound incapable of capture through alphabetic symbol, so likewise
persistent emotion refusing entombment in mere lexicon.
OK,
so when artificial intelligence starts solving the Captcha codes but humans
still only get them right half the time, then what?
We're too eager to reach conclusions
in a self-imposed race to tick off items on some imaginary philosophical
checklist.
Your
suit coat says dazzling and progressive, while your non-matching jeans say you
still need your mother to dress you.
Knowledge
often means learning and accepting something in principle and then moving on,
without committing the details to conscious memory.
I'll
believe it when I see it, for these all-seeing eyes must be the only possible
sense in the universe with which to experience our existence, no?
Re-inventing
the wheel materially or in process is hardly egregious compared with people
continually re-inventing the generic personality.
Yoko
Ono clarifies in recent autobiography: "All we were saying was give pizza
a chance, but something lost in translation."
I'm conducting a conscientious
sleep-in this morning in protest of the weight of my eyelids.
We blame politicians, thinking if we
replace them with the species "non-politicians", all will be well,
not seeing people are products and a reflection of the system. And the system
is a result of what the people have constructed. And that’s us.
Reader's
Digest is right on track within the next ten years to reach its goal of
becoming a full-fledged medical journal.
Caught
in this endless loop of go to bed late, wake up early, take mid-day nap, eat a
late dinner, Skype with Pat Sajak… It just never ends.
I remember when you used to have to
lick postage stamps. That's why there are fewer diseases today.
There's absolutely nothing you can say
that will convince me I'm right.
Judging the human condition is relative, and while things could be better, what is this innate reference point of how good they ought to be?
I'm
not a big Tom Cruise fan. He is only 5'7", after all…
Declaring
what you want out of life suggests an expectation that it cater to you. You
don't have to order it — the buffet is open.
Having
ads whose function is to annoy so that customers will pay premium prices in
order not to see them tells us a lot about the nature of advertising.
It's
a good thing we have years or we wouldn't know how to start over and say we’re
really going to do it right this time.
300
million people are all certain they know how to make this country run properly.
Even babies and news anchors.
My favorite beaches and school
supplies: 1) Waikiki; 2) Puerto Vallarta; 3) Carmel-by-the-Sea; 4) Protractor;
5) Malibu; 6) Liquid Paper; 7) Maui; 8) Compass; 9) Corona del Mar; 10) Paste.
Why
do songs say the same line four times in a row? Maybe the people in back didn't
hear it the first time. Or perhaps they're trying to reinforce their message in
our subconscious through the power of suggestion. It's an alien plan to program
our minds. I always was suspicious of Air Supply anyway. And next they'll be
cutting off our oxygen in order to control us.
Sometimes
my inside jokes are so obscure that even I don't get them.
People who wear their pajamas out in
public… are awesome. It went all the way around weird and came back to awesome.
Servers
at restaurants tell you to enjoy your meal, meaning they're assuming the
primary reason you eat is to derive culinary pleasure from tasting it or at
least have a pleasant social experience. However, that's likely a stereotype.
There are also many utilitarian among us, who eat for sustenance and nutrition.
Then the servers say "good choice" when you order certain menu items.
Does that mean they have bad choices on their menu?
Public
apology: Pretending you didn't mean to say or do what you did, and that you
were somehow inhabited by another person at the time.
When choosing between style or
substance, always pick the one that isn't style.
Surely humanity can muster 52
different types of things to have celebrity awards shows about so we never have
to go without for a weekend.
<spoiler alert> Milk goes bad after six months.
The
major improvements in Windows 8.1 are that it removed new features of Windows
8.
Economics
has been one of the more conniving innovations in modern history for people
allowing themselves to be controlled by others.
People looking "for something to
do" act as if life were something you had to go out and find.
Atheists will cite the legitimacy of some
of Jesus' teachings to make political arguments against theists.
Oh,
look… A web ad taking up my entire screen, basically hijacking my browsing
experience. Please tell me how I can buy your product. I am in your power.
A&W: We take longer to make our
burgers because we take longer to make our burgers.
If someone asks what time it is, your
assumption is about where and when, which is often here and now but keeps changing.
You can’t accurately answer what time it is in any context.
Congratulations! This is no joke! You
just won everything in the universe, except for a place to store it all.
Your worst nightmare would actually be
one that doesn't do its job very well and causes you to just laugh at it.
Please
visit my online store. I don't carry any products, but you can still send me
money. Otherwise, you can just donate. Or leave a tip.
I'm
going to make free software with terms of agreement requiring the user to put
me in their will, and I'll stick that part way at the end.
All
books are invisibly linked with other books in a grand conspiracy of
interconnected information and ideas.
The pursuit of enlightenment involves
no accumulation, but only the ridding of our assumptions.
I
think one thing I really miss from childhood is lollygagging. It's been so long
since I've lollygagged that I seem to have lost the knack. Children are so happy
all the time probably due primarily to lollygagging. Just a theorem, mind you.
In
case you missed it, you missed it.
For
the person who has everything… the solution is right in front of you — get them
nothing.
moderna
homa, n. - curiously stubborn yet advanced biped cursed by nature with no
realization of arms too short to adequately take a selfie.
Why
is it always just a "moment" of silence? Yes, we’ll agree to honor
them, but no more than a moment. We have to get on with our other moments.
The
only conclusion I can reach is that these disaster movies are merely teasing
us. I don't think they'd really allow the end of times to be ushered in because
it would make for a very poor marketing move. I want to see a movie that not
only says "based on a true story" or "inspired by actual
events," but "this is real footage from the future." Now, that
would be worth the eight bucks. And I'd get it on DVD too. Maybe even Blu-Ray.
Voices
carried across time as penetrating echoes within the vast cathedral walls,
descending upon awaiting ears in an elegance of epiphany.
Wristwatches became popular in the
1920s, and despite the pervasiveness of computer age clocks, we still think we need
time on our wrists.
Aliens looking down on us: "Hmm…
most civilizations reject Miley Cyrus within a few days, but planet Earth has curiously
made her into a celebrity."
Monday,
ye nefarious traitor… how ye portend to bedazzle via yon empty notions of
calendrical rebirth, only to quash in harshest realism.
On the other side of surreal is
enlightenment if we would wait it out.
Scientists
postulate a parallel universe somewhere where REO Speedwagon is the greatest
rock n' roll band ever. It doesn’t end well for that universe.
In an effort to appeal to all
demographics, this one is for those people who particularly appreciate the
unfettered nuances of meandering prose in all its resplendent glory.
Some
people just rub you the wrong way, so don't get massages from them.
Boredom is one of life's great gifts,
yet we scoff at it as if it should come pre-packaged for entertainment.
The rock band Nelson missed a perfect
opportunity to call itself "Twin Blonde Frocked Sons of Fifties Teen Idol Ricky
Nelson Pandering to Our Father's Dying Legacy."
Don't believe your body when it tells
you that you have to eat. It may even try to convince you that you need to
breathe too.
Made a snow angel today. In my mind.
Minus the snow. But I'm still taking credit for it for whoever's tallying the
points.
forbears, n. pl. - one more than
Goldilocks encountered.
I'm mad as heck, but I'm going to
continue taking it anymore. I'm the much less dedicated malcontent.
Humpty Dumpty to 9-1-1: "I've
fallen and I can't — oh… that explains it."
If
I've learned one thing in life, it's that I haven't learned one thing in life.
That
there exists a niche in this world for a quantity such as Honey Boo Boo is
possibly all that needs to be known about the postmodern era.
I'm feeling really connected to the
universe right now. It's like I can reach out and touch the air.
As you go through life, don't run out
of butter.