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Monday, January 20, 2014

Findings From the Mental Observatory

Have you noticed that everything in life comes in threes? It does, although sometimes it stops at 1 or 2 until the third one comes along.

Occasionally I like to contemplate the vast complexities of the universe, but more often than not I just allow it to contemplate me. Why should I have to do all the work?

Crest says on the label that it fights cavities and tartar. That's what I need is a toothpaste that gets violent with my mouth.

I'm one of those OCD people who cares that Jimmy cracked corn.

The best strategy for how to get married is to send out wedding invitations. Someone is bound to show up.

If the shoe doesn't fit, throw it at the guy who made up the phrase "If the shoe fits…"

Where's Plato when we need him? Old age is no excuse.

If it’s true that it’s better to give than to receive, then isn’t it then selfish of us to be taking the giving part for ourselves?

Any successful civilization will ensure that its cheesemakers are duly compensated.

Poetry was invented so men could pretend to be romantic.

A traditional pencil is nice until the lead breaks. And like I'm going to have a sharpener with me out in the Kalahari.

Rabbits never win in nature documentaries.

A simplistic accumulative mentality so many subscribe to operates under presumption that if you're in 40-degree weather twice, you're warm.

Random acts of kindness just means you can't control your kindness.

For a change of pace, I've decided to bother my sinuses.

I can never remember where I parked. Was it at Wal-Mart, or at the airport?

In another ten years, mayonnaise will have given way to 'mayo', and if we’re lucky, antidisestablishmentarianism will have given way to 'ant'.

Flo is haunting me now. She won't leave me alone for even a moment… I'm going to buy Progressive just to satisfy the ghost of insurance present.

In literature they refer to reality as "non-fiction", as if it were some curious derivative of fiction.

A truly diverse society would have no less than a thousand Spice Girls.

You mean you'll actually let me put a whole bunch of different colored glowing things in a row… for free? And I can do this activity anytime I want to?

Adobe Flash Player would make a good virus if it weren't a real program.

Sometimes I try to pretend that life is real, but then I see all the bad acting and the illusion goes away.

When given a choice between two mediocre options, rebel, protest and tell them even Monty Hall had a third door.

They say no two snowflakes are alike. Except for snowflake doppelgangers, a very rare strain of snowflake.

(voice from across the Confucius household, circa 500 B.C.) "Honey, what did I do with the aphorisms?"

None of us really has an exact shoe size, even if you include halves. We're all somewhere between two sizes. This is rather upsetting to me. I spent about 70 million brain cells thinking about this, although I think they're the kind that are renewable.

Haggling with the Verizon salesman to see if I can get him up to 6 G's.

In the lyrics to Hey Jude, I totally get the meaning behind the eleventh set of "nah nah-nah nah-nah-nah-nah, nah-nah-nah-nah," but not the sixth one.

Today feels like a Thursday that feels like Saturday.

Within the next 10 years, scientists hope to discover that we really don't have a mojo.

Looked up the definition of the word "definition" in the dictionary, and it resulted in an out-of-body experience.

We need a preliminary TV special for guessing which executives will announce who will be hosting the Grammy nomination prediction show. 

As much as we strive for structure and predictability, the harsh reality is life is a playlist on shuffle, which makes it much more interesting.

One TV show that doesn't quite get enough notoriety is Paid Programming — in its 34th season and still going strong.

People are always asking me what my cell number is, and yet even after I tell them they still never come and visit me in prison.

Why is it that John Tesh's head is usually tilted? Just an innocent observation, but I think if we ask enough of the right questions, we may end up solving the mystery of the universe.

Feeling especially daring today, I've decided to see what happens when you septuple-click the mouse. It may open up another dimension or just make fries, it's hard to tell. Like any worthwhile explorer, they always announce what they're embarking on so later everyone knows what the burn marks on the floor were from. I'm going to test it on a prototype first in case I accidentally octuple-click, and then it's banzai.

Two-thirds of a phone call is spent winding up the phone call.

To understand everything there is to understand, which is nothing. If that much isn't understood, then one understands less than nothing.

Find out from your doctor if these side effects are right for you.

As uttered sound incapable of capture through alphabetic symbol, so likewise persistent emotion refusing entombment in mere lexicon.

OK, so when artificial intelligence starts solving the Captcha codes but humans still only get them right half the time, then what?

We're too eager to reach conclusions in a self-imposed race to tick off items on some imaginary philosophical checklist.

Your suit coat says dazzling and progressive, while your non-matching jeans say you still need your mother to dress you.

Knowledge often means learning and accepting something in principle and then moving on, without committing the details to conscious memory.

I'll believe it when I see it, for these all-seeing eyes must be the only possible sense in the universe with which to experience our existence, no?

Re-inventing the wheel materially or in process is hardly egregious compared with people continually re-inventing the generic personality.

Yoko Ono clarifies in recent autobiography: "All we were saying was give pizza a chance, but something lost in translation."

I'm conducting a conscientious sleep-in this morning in protest of the weight of my eyelids.

We blame politicians, thinking if we replace them with the species "non-politicians", all will be well, not seeing people are products and a reflection of the system. And the system is a result of what the people have constructed. And that’s us.

Reader's Digest is right on track within the next ten years to reach its goal of becoming a full-fledged medical journal.

Caught in this endless loop of go to bed late, wake up early, take mid-day nap, eat a late dinner, Skype with Pat Sajak… It just never ends.

Consumers thinking they got a good deal, under the illusion there's such thing as a regular price for which to base some relative value on.

I remember when you used to have to lick postage stamps. That's why there are fewer diseases today.

There's absolutely nothing you can say that will convince me I'm right.

Judging the human condition is relative, and while things could be better, what is this innate reference point of how good they ought to be?

I'm not a big Tom Cruise fan. He is only 5'7", after all…

Declaring what you want out of life suggests an expectation that it cater to you. You don't have to order it — the buffet is open.

Having ads whose function is to annoy so that customers will pay premium prices in order not to see them tells us a lot about the nature of advertising.

It's a good thing we have years or we wouldn't know how to start over and say we’re really going to do it right this time.

300 million people are all certain they know how to make this country run properly. Even babies and news anchors.

My favorite beaches and school supplies: 1) Waikiki; 2) Puerto Vallarta; 3) Carmel-by-the-Sea; 4) Protractor; 5) Malibu; 6) Liquid Paper; 7) Maui; 8) Compass; 9) Corona del Mar; 10) Paste.

Why do songs say the same line four times in a row? Maybe the people in back didn't hear it the first time. Or perhaps they're trying to reinforce their message in our subconscious through the power of suggestion. It's an alien plan to program our minds. I always was suspicious of Air Supply anyway. And next they'll be cutting off our oxygen in order to control us.

Sometimes my inside jokes are so obscure that even I don't get them.

People who wear their pajamas out in public… are awesome. It went all the way around weird and came back to awesome.

Servers at restaurants tell you to enjoy your meal, meaning they're assuming the primary reason you eat is to derive culinary pleasure from tasting it or at least have a pleasant social experience. However, that's likely a stereotype. There are also many utilitarian among us, who eat for sustenance and nutrition. Then the servers say "good choice" when you order certain menu items. Does that mean they have bad choices on their menu?

Public apology: Pretending you didn't mean to say or do what you did, and that you were somehow inhabited by another person at the time.

When choosing between style or substance, always pick the one that isn't style.

Surely humanity can muster 52 different types of things to have celebrity awards shows about so we never have to go without for a weekend.

<spoiler alert> Milk goes bad after six months.

The major improvements in Windows 8.1 are that it removed new features of Windows 8.

Economics has been one of the more conniving innovations in modern history for people allowing themselves to be controlled by others.

People looking "for something to do" act as if life were something you had to go out and find.

Atheists will cite the legitimacy of some of Jesus' teachings to make political arguments against theists.

Oh, look… A web ad taking up my entire screen, basically hijacking my browsing experience. Please tell me how I can buy your product. I am in your power.

A&W: We take longer to make our burgers because we take longer to make our burgers.

If someone asks what time it is, your assumption is about where and when, which is often here and now but keeps changing. You can’t accurately answer what time it is in any context.

Congratulations! This is no joke! You just won everything in the universe, except for a place to store it all.

Your worst nightmare would actually be one that doesn't do its job very well and causes you to just laugh at it.

Please visit my online store. I don't carry any products, but you can still send me money. Otherwise, you can just donate. Or leave a tip.

I'm going to make free software with terms of agreement requiring the user to put me in their will, and I'll stick that part way at the end.

All books are invisibly linked with other books in a grand conspiracy of interconnected information and ideas.

The pursuit of enlightenment involves no accumulation, but only the ridding of our assumptions.

I think one thing I really miss from childhood is lollygagging. It's been so long since I've lollygagged that I seem to have lost the knack. Children are so happy all the time probably due primarily to lollygagging. Just a theorem, mind you.

In case you missed it, you missed it.

For the person who has everything… the solution is right in front of you — get them nothing.

moderna homa, n. - curiously stubborn yet advanced biped cursed by nature with no realization of arms too short to adequately take a selfie.

Why is it always just a "moment" of silence? Yes, we’ll agree to honor them, but no more than a moment. We have to get on with our other moments.

The only conclusion I can reach is that these disaster movies are merely teasing us. I don't think they'd really allow the end of times to be ushered in because it would make for a very poor marketing move. I want to see a movie that not only says "based on a true story" or "inspired by actual events," but "this is real footage from the future." Now, that would be worth the eight bucks. And I'd get it on DVD too. Maybe even Blu-Ray.

Voices carried across time as penetrating echoes within the vast cathedral walls, descending upon awaiting ears in an elegance of epiphany.

Wristwatches became popular in the 1920s, and despite the pervasiveness of computer age clocks, we still think we need time on our wrists.

Aliens looking down on us: "Hmm… most civilizations reject Miley Cyrus within a few days, but planet Earth has curiously made her into a celebrity."

Monday, ye nefarious traitor… how ye portend to bedazzle via yon empty notions of calendrical rebirth, only to quash in harshest realism.

On the other side of surreal is enlightenment if we would wait it out.

Scientists postulate a parallel universe somewhere where REO Speedwagon is the greatest rock n' roll band ever. It doesn’t end well for that universe.

In an effort to appeal to all demographics, this one is for those people who particularly appreciate the unfettered nuances of meandering prose in all its resplendent glory.

Some people just rub you the wrong way, so don't get massages from them.

Boredom is one of life's great gifts, yet we scoff at it as if it should come pre-packaged for entertainment.

The rock band Nelson missed a perfect opportunity to call itself "Twin Blonde Frocked Sons of Fifties Teen Idol Ricky Nelson Pandering to Our Father's Dying Legacy."

Don't believe your body when it tells you that you have to eat. It may even try to convince you that you need to breathe too.

Made a snow angel today. In my mind. Minus the snow. But I'm still taking credit for it for whoever's tallying the points.

forbears, n. pl. - one more than Goldilocks encountered.

I'm mad as heck, but I'm going to continue taking it anymore. I'm the much less dedicated malcontent.

Humpty Dumpty to 9-1-1: "I've fallen and I can't — oh… that explains it."

If I've learned one thing in life, it's that I haven't learned one thing in life.

That there exists a niche in this world for a quantity such as Honey Boo Boo is possibly all that needs to be known about the postmodern era.

I'm feeling really connected to the universe right now. It's like I can reach out and touch the air.

As you go through life, don't run out of butter.


Jeff Crandall said...

Once again your mental agility delights! Keep these coming. I love it!

Anonymous said...

Items in your lists of ruminations never fail to make me laugh out loud and more importantly are the others that get to question and think about the absurdity of so much of what we find here on earth.


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