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Saturday, December 28, 2013

End-of-Year Clearance Thoughts

In the interest of full disclosure, I'm typing this with one eye closed.

I don't know about you, but I don't know about me either.

I need something to do for the next 7 seconds. Any ideas? Retroactive help is fine. When I travel back in time, I'll be sure to put you in the credits.

Self-awareness is all well and good provided one is not a contemptible louse.

Kids in school today don't know the glory of the good old days when you had your own desk with a bottle of paste to eat any time you wanted.

Don't be sad it's over. Rather, show some real ambition and be sad you were ever born.

I never shy away from commitment. Instead, I run from it like a banshee.

If introverts should occasionally get out of their comfort zone and socialize, shouldn't extroverts also get out of their comfort zone and stop talking?

It blows my mind that there are artificial colors. They all look so real to me.

Has there ever been a successful person named Melvin?

To anyone I've ever offended, you may have deserved it so let's not rush to judgment.

People go to sporting events because they want to cheer on their team, and so they pay somewhere around $30-50 to go into the stadium, but that's not enough for the team, which feels obligated to use the scoreboard and organ music to prompt the fans to cheer even more than they normally would. I’m a little suspicious they’re just herding us into the games just so we can make noise for them.

There is no mention of the Internet in Neo-Classical literature, a clear sign that they were all heartless snobs.

Johnny-come-lately's aren't nearly as annoying as Jenny-come-early's.

These new ultra-compact cars would be perfect for getting around in a parking lot.

If you can't make your own mark, then train a surrogate to mimic you well.

The universe is conspiring against me today, but I'm still going with me and the points.

Allstate has accident forgiveness, but then they also have deductible purgatory, so it's probably a wash.

Happiness is not a destination. It's a railroad stop, so get off now.

If cherries aren't a berry, I don't want to be right.

How we define a thing has no bearing on its state of being.

It's fascinating how colors can change one's mood. After adjusting all my computer settings to neon green, I've curiously developed a highly functional elevated and palpable sense of unmitigated angst layered on top of the uncontrollable urge to molt.

If we were to send Justin Bieber into outer space, aliens might take it as an act of aggression.

You can't spell antidisestablishmentarianism without five i's.

Let's all synchronize our watches. On my mark.... (for those of you without watches, just count)

I've never seen a normal person. They must be invisible with normal superpowers.

When you sign out of Facebook, it says "Log in to continue." I've been insecure before, but never like that.

Don't be in such a hurry — the universe isn't going anywhere.

Alien journal: The most important aspect of the human transport vehicle appears to be that it be shiny.

Everybody has something to say, but nobody knows what it means.

I want to make a non-linear clock, one that doesn't rely on e=mc2 as a variable. It will have no mechanical parts. I call it the mind.

I've gone viral in my house. Everybody is talking about me.

Having a family-friendly checkout lane at the supermarket is a nice enough gesture, although it doesn’t obscure the harsh reality that 90% of the checkout lanes are still intentionally family unfriendly.

Greek yogurt is just a passing fad, which will soon give way to Hungarian tofu.

It's often said that a certain thing could end the world as we know it. But then again, how do we know it?

I'm going to count to 10. Not because I'm mad, but just to rebuild my confidence.

Plug-ins like to crash so much I'm thinking of buying a couch just for them for whenever they stay over.

If you eat string cheese without pulling down the strings, you may be a Bohemian, plus we can't be friends. I will befriend other Bohemians.

Sure, Words With Friends is fun, but Words With Complete Strangers on a Bus in Dusseldorf is scads more invigorating.

Scientist says there's now a cure for the hangover. What, they just invented sobriety? Yeah, there's a cure for jumping off a cliff too.

What if I'm not really moving down the road, but instead everything is just coming toward me? I believe this is what Copernicus would posit in his BMW.

Some people say a particular movie wasn't true to the book, but how can you be true to something that’s fiction?

I can't always tell when people are being sarcastic in print. Even myself.

If someone tells you your shoes are untied, tell them it's still safer than flip-flops. Do they go around telling people with flip-flops, "Hey, your flip-flops are on"?

Computers are to bagpipes as nomenclature is to phrenology. Think about it. (It won't help though)

There's nothing quite like a nap. Even another nap isn't like a nap.

I’m a tad suspicious about joggers always seeming to find the missing bodies. I think they're in on it somehow, their alibi being they “just happened” to be jogging by.

Never say never, always say always, and only sometimes say sometimes. Is that a coincidence or did they plan it that way?

My person of the year is me again. I'm the only one who ever lets me sleep in on Saturdays.

I hope I don't die on TV, because they only have graveside services, and just the main characters and three relatives show up.

Confucius is now looking at Twitter from above. Are you happy what you started, eh?

Metal stuck in your lips and eyebrows is tolerable, but if you put toilet paper in your ears and nostrils, people would think you're weird.

What to get for the person who has everything… a lawn gnome-mower.

/end of rant......... Now it's time to start a new one.

L.A. only has a high population because most of the people are stuck in traffic and can't get out.

"Must-see" TV is kind of like must-eat rocks.

Pearl Jam's latest release isn't necessarily bad, if you take it back into the Neolithic Period and compare it with beating on rocks.

Pay attention to tap dancers who know Morse Code.

It's unscientific to believe in things that are invisible. Like gravity, energy, magnetic forces, electricity, waves, consciousness…

What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, but seriously, I'd like more options.

Don't buy the new Pearl Jam CD. Instead, consider donating $15 to their disaster relief fund to help rescue them from their music.

Social networking is to friendships as lemmings are to swimming.

You've never seen another person through your eyes. What you see are their physical frame, expressions, mannerisms. Those are manifestations.

Overwhelm. Underwhelm. Whelm. My daily stabilizing exercise. (performed on a closed track by a professional emotionalist — do not attempt)

This sentence is entitled "Knick-knacks in the Attic": Dust-laden vestiges of tilted, half-painted wooden pulltoys from a bygone era…

People want to change the world, but it's a tricky game. Last week after I changed the world, somebody else who was also trying to change the world changed it again, so probably not many people noticed my version, but for eight minutes last Thursday the equator went through Montana and the only understandable language was Esperanto, which is why you were getting all those funny looks.

During a power outage today, I had to text on Post-it notes. It was awful!

I don't understand what the big deal is about Krispy Kreme donuts. I had five of them, and I didn't notice any difference.

Modern TV programming has restored my faith in the ability of the average person to come up with their own better material.

If you have to wear a hat to look cool, you're only borrowing coolness.

Things are unexpected due to our expectations not being aligned with reality. What shifts is not reality but rather our perceptions.

If there were truth in advertising, we'd have three minutes of dead air at every commercial break.

People who don't want to be taken seriously should not be taken seriously.

Pearl Jam's album "Lightning Bolt" is #3 in the Vedder household for recordings, behind 2) the dog howling and 1) the blender on frappe.

People who can't be bothered to use their turn signal ought to be ostracized to an island full of mimes.

Joggers don't look like they enjoy jogging all that much. In fact, they look like they're in a bit of a hurry to get it over with.

My doctor asked me if I always wear my seatbelt, and I was ashamed to confess that I take it off each night when I go to bed.

The Tower of Babel has resurfaced in our time via remote controls. And though people teach of a universal remote, none are truly compatible.

Perhaps Robin's greatest asset as a crime fighter was his uncanny ability to solve riddles. Invariably, he would figure them out before Batman, who would begrudgingly intone, 'Good work, ole chum." While the Boy Wonder doesn't get much credit comparatively, he was undeniably an integral part of the dynamic duo.

My personal mission statement — Wake up each morning. See also: afternoons.

I'm simultaneously dumbfounded by but not surprised at the human predicament. I can comfortably, if not objectively, embrace incompetence.

There aren't very many fat birds.

Sign for the Keno game said "The secret to winning: You have to play the game." Yeah, but it’s the secret to losing much more often.

Bonus tip: You should make your passwords so you can easily type them with one hand just in case you're ever trapped and need to defuse a bomb real fast.

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