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Saturday, January 3, 2015

A Blog is Worth 1,739 Words

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We've transitioned nicely from the Information Age into the Too Much Information Age.

Minimum security prisons are practically advertising for inmates to try to escape.

Just when you think you've seen everything, a space alien in pajamas bakes a spinach ricotta soufflé out on your veranda while yodeling.

Don't cry over spilt milk, unless it's your party then you can cry if you want to.

I may be one of the few people who one time listened to albums by Motorhead and the Bee Gees in succession. The Bee Gees have better voices, just an FYI.

I've got some unused time left on the car vacuum machine if anybody can get here in the next thirty seconds.

That awkward moment when you say "hi" to someone, and they say something back.

I killed all the flies in the house, which made me lord over them. But now unfortunately all my constituents are dead.

I have no umph today. The umph store was closed.

Taking a mental note of something is about as good as an Etch-a-Sketch in a paint shaker.

The fluorescent orange Moldavian army of 1856 was never very good at camouflage.

I almost killed a popcorn kernel with my fly swatter. But apparently I wasn't fast enough.

Anything preceded by "they say" just means nobody wanted to take responsibility for it.

I wonder how squirrel families are able to stay focused.

My fantasy high heel Olympic 100m hurdles team is off to a very promising start this season. More than 20% of the team isn't in traction.

When you get to the end and they ask whether you embraced life, don't have to tell them you wore flip flops.

Just my luck I got hit by an asteroid on a day when there’s a 3-hour wait at the ER.

One tiny decision impacted my entire day. I couldn’t get out of the passing lane, and now I'm in Argentina.

They may call it the great white shark, but to its wife it's just a shark.

Late night TV commercials alternate between those for new medications that "may be right for you" and then others for class action lawsuits against previous medications that “weren’t right for you”.

I need some Kickstarter money to help me think of a project.

Technology is that thing we invented so whenever we go to public events they can tell us, "Hey, everybody turn off your technology."

An Allstate agent informed me they're now offering Accident Absolution as long as you use penance oil.

What to do when your instinct tells you to go against your instinct... I run into this conundrum every moment of my life.

Animals wouldn't attack us if we understood them better. Bears are just trying to give us a deep tissue massage with their claws, for example.

There are three types of people, according to the door choices in fast food restaurants: Men, Women, and Employees.

Took a Rorschach test and answered "inkblot" on every question.

Never give up. Even after you lose, continue under the delusion that you still have a chance.

Please be green — be envious of this sentence unless you absolutely don't have to.

After being told that only traveling forward in time is possible, I sent everyone in the world ahead ten years, and then I stayed back.

Pavarotti, with an elegant last name accompanying his legendary voice. All the same, he was likely relieved not to be Luciano Higginbotham.

Firefighters are way too violent. They should be negotiating with the fires instead.

I'm a hopeless narcissist-romantic... I have unrequited self-love.

Watched Napoleon Dynamite for the first time last night. Now that part of my brain can finally atrophy.

Anyone who has grown their beard out more than three inches is up to something.

I have reservations about making reservations at reservations.

Saying Frosted Flakes is part of a nutritious breakfast is like saying Ringo was part of the Beatles.

Western civilization: That mass of humanity with a curious fixation for zombies, pirates, vampires, superheroes, sharks and kittens.

The drumstick in my frozen dinner was apparently from a 4-inch tall chicken.

I'm reluctant to tell people that my yogurt talks to me, because it could unnecessarily influence their choice in yogurt brands.

When someone says "have a nice day," why are they assuming I’m not having a nice day?

The debit card machine asked me how much cash I wanted back. I said a billion dollars.

Microwaves can get pretty disgusting when they're not cleaned. And it was probably a bad idea setting all those rat traps in there, in retrospect.

Headline reads: "Experts puzzled by discovery." I guess that would make them experts then.

I’m guessing Aristotle never said “y’all”.

Whenever a city council vote ends in a tie, they should settle it with penalty kicks.

People who think you can't be friends with someone just because you disagree with them aren't worth befriending.

The objective of World Cup soccer seems to be to fall down and act like you're dying.

Zebras have stripes, leopards have spots, and giraffes have puzzle pieces.

I'll worry about cooking from scratch only after I can do two consecutive frozen dinners successfully.

Confucius say don't crumple paper bag that have toothpick inside of it.

When people see me walking down the street, I want them to say, "Hey, there goes Rusty Southwick — he's got a name."

Raising awareness for something only lowers awareness for everything else.

Life insurance companies say you'll be able to rest in peace when you're dead, knowing that your family is taken care of. I wonder if that’s a money back guarantee.

Ever notice that guys named Louie are never thin?

I watched the Academy Awards For Extras. Everybody won, and they all rushed the stage as if on cue.

Went back in time 20 years to see what would happen if I killed my earlier self, but it got me instead so now I have to wait another 20 years to try it again.

I want to get a concealed carry permit for a rifle, and I’ll just tell everybody it’s a leg brace.

If you haven't voted yet, vote for me as a write-in candidate from the Undecided Party.

There are no do-overs in life. The playground is a dirty rotten lying ne'er-do-over-well.

Mood swings are way too draining. It's much less work to just stay depressed.

Why is it that it takes your neighbor two hours to mow the lawn, but everybody else in the world can do it in fifteen minutes?

I never mistakenly lock my keys in the car because I use the tried and true method of keeping them in my mouth at all times.

Across the shame scale, crying shames would appear to be the severest level of shameness, with dirty rotten ones not too far behind.

The only thing worse than an illiterate fool is a literate one.

In parallel universe somewhere, Peter Scolari cements self as household cinematic name with roles in Iggy Gump and Stanley Versus the Volcano.

You can only operate outside of life's illusory quality by acknowledging it.

Greek goddesses likely get their feelings hurt when we take those “Which Greek goddess are you?” quizzes.

I'm addicted to life — I just can't stop breathing. Somebody, please... help me stop.

Trains and people sound better off in the distance.

We often ponder over why mankind must continually engage in war, and then for celebrating special occasions we go back to our fetish of fireworks exploding the air.

Pre-Starbuckus Era, 40,000 B.C. ... "Anyone want to go out for a drink? Say, water perhaps?"

The problem isn’t that I’ve got a dog in the fight. It’s that I’m betting on it to lose.

Please don't print this blog unless you absolutely have to and you're an uncaring shmuck.

Forever Stamp purveyors are fully cognizant they're selling damaged goods, since even the highest grade of postage stamps decompose after 350 billion years.

The best way to scroll on your phone is by holding your finger in place and moving the phone up and down.

Marathon runners keep reminding us that marathons are precisely 26.2 miles, because apparently they can't finish without that last thousand feet.

A hole is more the absence of a thing than it is any kind of thing. Indeed, it's a void — which is nothing. In essence, there are no holes.

Few things have aided modern man's progress more than the low maintenance of breakfast cereal.

I just received a message from myself from the future... It said: "Don't do anything different." Now I don’t know what to do.

Earth's magnetic polarity, a festering cauldron of enigmatic and symmetrical angst which renders civilization a poignant metaphor in time.

If I were going to stash something valuable all across the country, I think I'd hide it in bags labeled "Cappuccino Potato Chips".

We give credit cards our money, and they give us points. That sounds fair.

Is it possible to just ooh, or must one accompany it with an aah?

The Big Bang was big compared to what? There wasn’t supposed to be anything else.

Q: How do you knock over a World Cup soccer player?
A: Wait 15 seconds.

R2D2 had a filthy mouth, which is why they had to keep bleeping him out through the whole movie.

It's now 7:10 pm. This piece of factual utter irrelevance was brought to you by the purveyors of illusory linear thinking, and the letter J.

Now that crime is against the law, lawmakers expect that crime will be eradicated within the next twenty years.

When I forget someone's name who I haven't seen in a while, I just say "Hey, Mike." Half the time I'm right. The other half, it's a woman.

I fight the clock every morning. It always wins, though I have won a few silver medals.

Captain's log, stardate 47382: It's really dark out here. Someone needs to order some street lamps.

The office printer has a sign on it that says "Be kind to trees." That's like buying an office gun and then saying "Be kind to squirrels."

If you never try, you'll never find out. For all you know, the bank vault could be unlocked.

The audiobook of the dictionary isn’t quite as interesting.

I poured a bucket of ice on myself to raise awareness for Charlie Bucket's family.

My kingdom for twenty-three fiefdoms, obo. Call for details.

Dance Like Nobody's Watching

Philosophy Soccer