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Monday, June 20, 2016

New Exciting Paths For the Synapses

One thing they can never take away from you is your integrity. Also, they can't take away any of your bad personality traits either.

Yo-yo commercial disclaimer: "All tricks take practice." Just in case you were going to sue them when it didn't work the first time.

Medi-Share says it provides affordable, Biblical healthcare. Thank goodness leprosy is now covered.

Humans are possibly the third most gullible species, behind amoebas and tse tse flies.

I was trying to text "Not sure if I'll be at book club tonight," but autocorrect somehow changed it to "I'd rather languish endlessly in a vat of sludge."

You'd think they would make ovens already preheated.

They say don't go grocery shopping when hungry, but it should be don't go grocery shopping after winning the lottery or during surgery.

Left to my own devices, I'd probably just have my phone, tablet and laptop.

Any food that begins with the letter 'k' is automatically good for you.

Self-driving cars are merely computers that move. And we all know that nothing ever goes wrong with computers.

I just had an a-ha moment, and it was singing "Take on Me".

Whoever came up with the phrase "Give credit where credit is due" must've thought of that one real hard.
Being a political fact checker is basically the same as carding a class of kindergartners.

The curious art of competition is deriving a sense of accomplishment from your opponent's failure, and a delight in their frustration.

This is what happens when you have too many celebrities. Thirty years later they start dying off like flies.

Psychology has become an outmoded discipline now that we have online polls and Facebook profile quizzes.

Makes no sense for either theists or atheists to be superstitious. You'd have to be a mystic somewhere in between.

The most advanced species on the planet in the middle of the technology age, and yet we're still incapable of managing adequate parking.
If taking baby steps in one's progress means crawling on your belly while slobbering and eating lint off the floor, I can do that.

My presidential primary ballot says to use either black or blue ink, but it also says to blacken the oval completely.

So, when you say "you're dead to me," I'm guessing that's in a zombie-affectionate sort of way?

All the different awareness months are drowning out each others' awareness. They need an awareness bracket and an awareness final four.

If your city's motto is "Gateway to Better Cities", you may want to consider moving.

A new idea for Britain's Got Talent... Bring on an unassuming performer, have the judges look skeptical, then have the performer be Fabio.

Hail is always the size of hail.

Plato: "Is it better to be a sad rich person or a happy poor person?"
Socrates: "… and the mildly content middle class gets overlooked once again."

Alien report on humans... "Their ultimate experience would seem to be playing video games where you buy mattresses from Taylor Swift."

Anomalies are normal.

To the unprincipled politician, every hypothetical is a trick question.

I'm going to vote for the lesser of three evils this election. The first two evils are too creepy.

Capital One keeps asking me what's in my wallet. I store watermelons in there, if you must know. Probably ten, eleven at a time.

Communication Age: A bygone era when the term "literally" was misused about 95% of the time.

Everybody's always surprised how old they are.

There's no need to kill two birds with one stone if you have seven stones.

Pickup truck commercials give me the impression they think I'm desperately in search of a Sherman tank.

We think we're free, but the moon's orbit determines how often we pay our bills and the sun's orbit tells us when we can blow out candles.

Caught a cockroach and then let it back out into its natural habitat: New Jersey.

Everything you buy now is risk-free. In former times, there might've been a money-back guarantee, but you still had to risk.

"Bark like a dog" is most curious... good thing they clarify, otherwise we might think they're referring to a barking spider or penguin.

Waffles are just pancakes that somebody made an impression on.

Quantity over quality, style over substance, personality over character, appearance over content. Modern societal decay in four movements.

I was expecting Wednesday to come before Tuesday. Other than that, the week has gone just as I had planned.

Imitation is indeed a high form of flattery, but it's plagiarism that truly says they wouldn't change a thing.
Who rates the Better Business Bureau?

If only we could get Iran on some HIPAA violation, then we'd be set.

A dream not written is only a wish, but who has a pen while they're asleep?

Weather websites have so much bloatware on them I could be killed by a monsoon while I'm waiting for the page to load.

So glad everybody's posting houses for sale on Facebook. But my heart's on the little shack that you won't believe how it looks inside.

I can get all my daily calories from one box of cereal. This new discovery is going to greatly simplify my life.

Don't settle for the status quo — leave your comfort zone. On the other hand, appreciate what you have — the grass always seems greener on the other side.

Fast food drive-up windows have a sign saying no smoking within 10 feet. What driver are they going to enforce that against?

I like ordering things online just for the fun of tracking the package.

Leafblowers should be nominated to colonize Mars. It would be their higher purpose.

Baby steps makes no sense.... babies don't even walk.

In high school I was trying to decide which instrument to play, and then, Viola!, it came to me.

I support local communities. Those communities that are somewhere else are just too elusive.

There's no good reason for computers to not accept passwords when caps lock is on, especially when they already know caps lock is on.

"Operators are standing by" is just a fancy way of saying they'll answer the phone when you call, a rather profound concept.

The only drawback of technology is that it refreshes every few months and wipes out everything you had. But other than that, it's great!

Determinists are curiously never willing to give up any of their own personal "determinism".

Leafblower, leafblower, blow me a leaf
twig me a twig
branch me a branch

So let's say Occam's Razor is true 80% of the time. That's still nothing to feel existentially smug about.

Amazon wants to induce consumer panic (order now, only one copy left) while avoiding utter despair (don't give up, more on the way).

A grilled cheese sandwich is just two pieces of toast with cheese on them.

I end up correcting auto correct about ten times as often as it corrects my actual mistakes, so the utility of it escapes me.

Can you be a retired flight instructor without ever having been a flight instructor?

Working on my next motivational book, "Why Money Doesn't Bring You Happiness But How Getting Rich Is Still The Answer To Your Dreams."

When you open a door for someone, you're saving them three seconds out of their life. You have to do that 28,800 times to save them a day.

The main ingredient in breakfast cereals is goodness — about 90% of the recommended daily alllowance.

Richard Simmons wasn't missing — he just thought he was Leo Sayer.

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