The Violence of Bulleted Lists

• Something’s gotta be first, so it might as well be this one.

• Can’t quite wrap my mind around cogito ergo sum. Feels like someone else doing the thinking.

• I’m really busy the next three days. After that, I get the rest of my life off, as long as nobody schedules anything else.

• Nobody is impressed anymore. I made eggs this morning, and no one cared. Do you know how hard that is to do, particularly for a mammal?

• Once in a while when it’s first-and-goal from the 1-yard line, you should just punt for the heck of it.

• I like printing things if for no other reason than to hear something moving off in the distance right after I’ve clicked a button.

• I wish everyone in the world could be together. Oh wait... we are. Can I take that wish back?

• I've decided to sue my imaginary attorney for negligence. What does he think he's getting paid for?

• Keep resisting the urge to do derivations of famous sayings.

• Our culture has a strange fascination for mirrors, like they supposedly are a portal to another dimension or help you get ready in the morning.

• I’m in Safe Mode today. I can’t do all the things I normally do, but I’m less dangerous.

• Confucius say get the heck out of my lane if you not going to speed.

• Procrastination is one of the greatest aspects of free will.

• What are these little square protruding things in front of me with letters on them? Hmm.... when I touch one, it puts the same one up here.

• Determinists shouldn’t be allowed to vote.

• There’s nothing you can say to change my mind, although you could alter it significantly with charm.

• Coming across the news wire, it says that Spongebob has died. Our thoughts are with the Spongebob family at this time.

• I need to go park somewhere so I can get some validation.

• My home PC just found out that it's a standalone computer, and is now feeling very traumatized.

• Twitter is like driving a stick shift with only one gear.

• I speak an Asian dialect of gibberish known as Japanzee, and under certain plans I come with subtitles.

• Prediction: There will never be a prophet named Sparky.

• Our kids are smart, but we're trying to make them dumber so that their expectations aren't too high.

• I resent having to stand in line waiting to channel my inner Bohemian. I'm just going to have to get a better medium.

• I did a search at imdb.com, under actors, typed in ‘Ben Affleck’, and then it said, “You’re looking for actors, right?”

• Brett Favre holds the NFL record for most microphones spoken into by an unshaven quarterback.

• I’ve been there, but I haven’t done that. I’m so conflicted.

• Rule #6274: Don't ever say "bite me" to a dog.

• If we name our Little League baseball team next year the “Demigods”, will it send the wrong message? I’m trying to instill confidence in the kids.

• You can’t trust anyone whose head is tilted more than 20 degrees in their picture.

• I don’t like to plan life. I prefer each day to be surprised by the ending.

• Not that our house is messy, but someone could steal our carpet and we wouldn't know about it for three days.

• Sleeping or computing? The nightly 11 o'clock dilemma.... I could sleep anytime, whereas the Internet has only been around for about 15 years.

• Chocolate is to mirrors as energy is to ________. Dang aptitude test flashbacks.

• Today's a new day... I'm really going to be bummed if tomorrow doesn’t turn out to be a new day too.

• I water the lawn when it’s raining so I can feel one with nature.

• Trying to break out of the bumper sticker mindset like a caged rat with a pen strapped to his back amidst heavily artillery fire on an isolated beach in the South Pacific during the Ming Dynasty.

• I’m just not that invested in this line.

• If somebody intentionally gets up at 4 a.m. on a holiday to shop and stand in long lines, is that any less masochistic than acid burns?

• 23% of my brain is used for data mining. I don't know what that means statistically. I should poll myself to find out.

• I’m not anti-social… It’s not like I participate in protest marches against socializing.

• Personally, I think orange has always been a little jealous of yellow.

•深夜はひさしぶりにgoldfishと中学校んときのともだちとメッセンジャーしてイボ痔になりました Desperate Housewives という報告をされた いらないです!

• A pathological incessant deep-abiding interest doesn’t mean I’m obsessed.

• If we were to do life over again, I think we could do with just a few less movies. Maybe take out the Spy Kids trilogy.

• I still have 963 shopping days till Christmas, because I’m planning for Christmas 2013.

• Twelve kids in our house last weekend, and about 3000 instances of crying, most of them by grown-ups.

• Printer toner is the hidden cost that will bring down modern civilization. That’s what got the Roman Empire too.

• I always get Matt Laurer and Boutros Boutros Ghali confused.

• If A=B and C>D and D<B, then do I really have to get up in the morning?

• When you’re swimming in the creek and an eel bites your cheek, that’s a moray…

• The finest accomplishment so far in the 21st century is being able to slap the label 'beta' on something and thereby remove all accountability.

• Wish some type really found was back before search time made heliotrope with other sudden actuary wiser to underway in perpetuity.

• For those of you keeping score, put down your pencil and enjoy the game!

• Nothing like Christmas time to bring people together who otherwise wouldn't be caught dead with one another.

• After you sneeze and someone says “bless you,” it’s polite to respond with “bless me, father, for I have sneezed.”

• Unconfirmed reports that Vanna White is on a street corner selling off her last vowels to avoid bankruptcy.

• I like when things are either redacted or fungible. Those conditions give me a quaint feeling that all is right with the universe.

• What was Wolf Blitzer’s mother thinking?

• In twenty years we'll be using hundreds of words that up to this point have yet to be coined. But why wait? I defy runkish to jeembam chonga.

• Until further notice, I'm on a quest to find the meaning of C.

• I have the right to be tried by a lawyer-handpicked jury of my peers.

• Word of advice: Don’t hit your stride when you’re in a rut.

• If anyone reading this gets to remotely rule the world, would you mind changing Antarctica into an aristocracy for me?

• Job hunting can be fun, as long as you have a permit.

• If kids can ask dumb questions, then they can also get dumb answers back.

• Sure glad I don't live in France, because I'd just be getting up now, and boy, I'm tired.