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Tuesday, September 27, 2011

The Violence of Bulleted Lists

• Something’s gotta be first, so it might as well be this one.
• Can’t quite wrap my mind around cogito ergo sum. Feels like someone else doing the thinking.
• I’m really busy the next three days. After that, I get the rest of my life off, as long as nobody schedules anything else.
• Nobody is impressed anymore. I made eggs this morning, and no one cared. Do you know how hard that is to do, particularly for a mammal?
• Once in a while when it’s first-and-goal from the 1-yard line, you should just punt for the heck of it.
• I like printing things if for no other reason than to hear something moving off in the distance right after I’ve clicked a button.
• I wish everyone in the world could be together. Oh wait... we are. Can I take that wish back?
• I've decided to sue my imaginary attorney for negligence. What does he think he's getting paid for?
• Keep resisting the urge to do derivations of famous sayings.
• Our culture has a strange fascination for mirrors, like they supposedly are a portal to another dimension or help you get ready in the morning.
• I’m in Safe Mode today. I can’t do all the things I normally do, but I’m less dangerous.
• Confucius say get the heck out of my lane if you not going to speed.
• Procrastination is one of the greatest aspects of free will.
• What are these little square protruding things in front of me with letters on them? Hmm.... when I touch one, it puts the same one up here.
• Determinists shouldn’t be allowed to vote.
• There’s nothing you can say to change my mind, although you could alter it significantly with charm.
• Coming across the news wire, it says that Spongebob has died. Our thoughts are with the Spongebob family at this time.
• I need to go park somewhere so I can get some validation.
• My home PC just found out that it's a standalone computer, and is now feeling very traumatized.
• Twitter is like driving a stick shift with only one gear.
• I speak an Asian dialect of gibberish known as Japanzee, and under certain plans I come with subtitles.
• Prediction: There will never be a prophet named Sparky.
• Our kids are smart, but we're trying to make them dumber so that their expectations aren't too high.
• I resent having to stand in line waiting to channel my inner Bohemian. I'm just going to have to get a better medium.
• I did a search at imdb.com, under actors, typed in ‘Ben Affleck’, and then it said, “You’re looking for actors, right?”
• Brett Favre holds the NFL record for most microphones spoken into by an unshaven quarterback.
• I’ve been there, but I haven’t done that. I’m so conflicted.
• Rule #6274: Don't ever say "bite me" to a dog.
• If we name our Little League baseball team next year the “Demigods”, will it send the wrong message? I’m trying to instill confidence in the kids.
• You can’t trust anyone whose head is tilted more than 20 degrees in their picture.
• I don’t like to plan life. I prefer each day to be surprised by the ending.
• Not that our house is messy, but someone could steal our carpet and we wouldn't know about it for three days.
• Sleeping or computing? The nightly 11 o'clock dilemma.... I could sleep anytime, whereas the Internet has only been around for about 15 years.
• Chocolate is to mirrors as energy is to ________. Dang aptitude test flashbacks.
• Today's a new day... I'm really going to be bummed if tomorrow doesn’t turn out to be a new day too.
• I water the lawn when it’s raining so I can feel one with nature.
• Trying to break out of the bumper sticker mindset like a caged rat with a pen strapped to his back amidst heavily artillery fire on an isolated beach in the South Pacific during the Ming Dynasty.
• I’m just not that invested in this line.
• If somebody intentionally gets up at 4 a.m. on a holiday to shop and stand in long lines, is that any less masochistic than acid burns?
• 23% of my brain is used for data mining. I don't know what that means statistically. I should poll myself to find out.
• I’m not anti-social… It’s not like I participate in protest marches against socializing.
• Personally, I think orange has always been a little jealous of yellow.
深夜はひさしぶりにgoldfishと中学校んときのともだちとメッセンジャーしてイボ痔になりました Desperate Housewives という報告をされた いらないです!
• A pathological incessant deep-abiding interest doesn’t mean I’m obsessed.
• If we were to do life over again, I think we could do with just a few less movies. Maybe take out the Spy Kids trilogy.
• I still have 963 shopping days till Christmas, because I’m planning for Christmas 2013.
• Twelve kids in our house last weekend, and about 3000 instances of crying, most of them by grown-ups.
• Printer toner is the hidden cost that will bring down modern civilization. That’s what got the Roman Empire too.
• I always get Matt Laurer and Boutros Boutros Ghali confused.
• If A=B and C>D and D<B, then do I really have to get up in the morning?
• When you’re swimming in the creek and an eel bites your cheek, that’s a moray…
• The finest accomplishment so far in the 21st century is being able to slap the label 'beta' on something and thereby remove all accountability.
• Wish some type really found was back before search time made heliotrope with other sudden actuary wiser to underway in perpetuity.
• For those of you keeping score, put down your pencil and enjoy the game!
• Nothing like Christmas time to bring people together who otherwise wouldn't be caught dead with one another.
• After you sneeze and someone says “bless you,” it’s polite to respond with “bless me, father, for I have sneezed.”
• Unconfirmed reports that Vanna White is on a street corner selling off her last vowels to avoid bankruptcy.
• I like when things are either redacted or fungible. Those conditions give me a quaint feeling that all is right with the universe.
• What was Wolf Blitzer’s mother thinking?
• In twenty years we'll be using hundreds of words that up to this point have yet to be coined. But why wait? I defy runkish to jeembam chonga.
• Until further notice, I'm on a quest to find the meaning of C.
• I have the right to be tried by a lawyer-handpicked jury of my peers.
• Word of advice: Don’t hit your stride when you’re in a rut.
• If anyone reading this gets to remotely rule the world, would you mind changing Antarctica into an aristocracy for me?
• Job hunting can be fun, as long as you have a permit.
• If kids can ask dumb questions, then they can also get dumb answers back.
• Sure glad I don't live in France, because I'd just be getting up now, and boy, I'm tired.

4 comments:

alntv said...

This is awesome! Buuuut...how long did it take you to compile this? It looks like it took months! LOL

Rusty Southwick said...

As you suspected, I had gathered some observations over an extended period. I definitely don't think that quickly!

karen★ said...

i haven't laughed this much at a bullet list in....well...probably ever!

i'm so happy you're in safe mode...that's probably the best kind of mode to be in.

orange is jealous of yellow, but the envy that purple feels toward blue is nearly palpable.

p.s. thanks for such a sweet comment! i'm so happy to have a computer & be reading here!

Alison said...

Now, THIS is what I'm talkin' 'about!

Dance Like Nobody's Watching

Philosophy Soccer