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Friday, October 19, 2012

Ruminating 3.0 Upgrade Patch Fix


The following is required reading in order to update your synapses to the latest version of Rusted Ruminations and stay on course for any subsequent posts. Use of your own perspective is generally recommended, though you may occasionally suspend your psyche and rely on other more convenient methods as needed.

You are reading this statement. In a few seconds, you will no longer be reading it.

Madagascar 3 is advertising on my banana with a QR code sticker. I seriously need to fire my publicity director.

I'd like to propose a toast to Metta World Peace...

Life is coming along quite nicely, just as planned. My birthdays are occurring right on schedule.

Hey, you over there in the corner... what are you lookin' at on your screen? Haven't you ever seen anyone typing before?

Realize that you have no limits. But you may need to take a nap first.
As always, I'm writing this in real time. So it was live when I typed it. Now let's see if technology can keep it live.

Lotteries are a scam because you have to first buy the ticket, and then remember not to set it on fire.

You can tell a lot about a person by the way they do everything. 

Does who carry more -- Drew Carey or Drew Barrymore? And then does Drew bury more or Drew carry more?

Don’t ever feel authentically flattered by someone who’s seeking your money.

For anyone who treats me poorly, when I go back in time I'm going to reconfigure your life history. That'll teach you to not be so crass.

For what shall it profit a man, if he shall win a cockroach eating contest, and lose his own soul?

Things cost more because we have lawyers manage them. We have lawyers manage them because people can't be trusted. And lawyers are people.

You may have already won something! Then again, you didn't.

All 'if' statements reside within the hypothetical, therefore are excursions into the unreal. 'If’, while fascinating, is ultimately a poor diversionary substitute for truth.

There should be an even number of Supreme Court Justices. What, afraid of a tie?

The biggest pumpkin or largest kumquat doesn't really mean anything. It doesn't make them qualitatively better than the second-heaviest one.

Testing, testing, 4, 9, 7...... Nope, didn't work.

Ask your doctor if bloating, nausea, and vomiting are right for you...

Ah, so it's going to be one of those days... I'll see your day and raise you a week. So take that.

I wrote this twenty minutes ago, projecting myself into the future. And then I realized I made a typo, so I had to go back and have deja vu.

My cell phone battery charge never goes down because I always keep my phone plugged in.

Alert/Notice/Warning/Danger: Beware and be very afraid of things in general just to be on the safe side. Repeat as needed.

Miley Cyrus should be incarcerated for stealing someone else's 15 minutes of fame.

I outlasted my to-do list until it became obscure. Mission accomplished.

Psychoanalysis: People who use the word 'actually' a lot are rather insecure. That didn't count for me using it, incidentally.

If life were a job, anyone possessing sanity would be considered overqualified.

Am now taking requests for my impersonation of Bee Gees tunes sung in a Slavic accent by a rebel mime drowning in a vat of chowder.

It's evident that the inmates are running the asylum, but then I guess the bigger question is why I'm in an asylum in the first place.

Drum roll please... OK, keep that going for a few hours because I like the sound of a drum roll.
I never have chocolate before noon, but occasionally I do have it up to 11 hours after midnight.

Stop wearing light-blue dress shirts with beige khaki pants... It's creeping me out thinking you very well may be an army of clones.

The greatest human folly is in being surprised by human folly, acting as if all error was somehow avoidable and being human is negligence.

Even when I don’t need to do anything there, I like going to the DMV just for the exciting drama of the number countdown.

I'll take the high road, you take the low road, and here's an ingenious plan — someone else can take the middle road.

69% of insects surveyed say they don't like being called 'bugs'.

Yawn, and the world yawns with you... Cough, and you are on your own.

An expert is someone who knows how to talk about something in a way so that other people can't understand it.

It doesn't matter whether something is possible if nobody ever tries to do it.

Is your hobby sleeping? Do you cry during comedies? Do you relate well to reality shows? Is your favorite color gray? You may be depressed.

Actually, great minds do not think alike. Their originality is the very thing that makes them great.

Testing, testing... alpha, delta, gamma..... Nope, didn't work either.

Huffington Post headline referred to Dee Snider as a "Rock Legend." Well, I guess everybody's a rock legend then.

‘Like’ if you think this is Facebook.

I can't get to sleep tonight. Sure, write a song about the lion having no trouble just to rub it in a little why don't you?

Why can't my phone just let me enjoy the last 15% of its battery life in peace? You'd think I was about to start a nuclear war.

With the many things that are always going on in the news, it almost makes you wonder if the media gets paid by commission per story.

I went to a Rent-A-Center and asked them how much it costs to rent one of their centers so that I can sub-rent their merchandise out to other people.

27 years later and I've still yet to meet any woman named Kyrie. What do you have to say for yourself, Mr. Mister?

Birds sue Twitter over the tweet design patent. Supreme being files concurrent suit against all avian phyla, threatens extinction.

I think yogurts are just making up berry names now. At least Wonka wasn't being pretentious about it when he did it.

Leaf blowers are just pushing their work on other people.

What said forth rational inside germane flotilla prospect ingratiates angioplasty yeomanlike spectrum hoax malfeasance acquiesce and so is.

The weather says it's 48 degrees but it feels like 46 degrees. They must be having a clearance sale.

Don't try to be someone you're not... unless that's something you'd normally do.

DVD players, CD players and tape decks all give me pause.

I found out this week that I'm addicted to placebos, and it’s irreversible. My doctor is giving me 43 more years to live.
No matter how you slice it, why on earth are you using a metaphorical knife in the first place?

Your birthday is a rip-off. It's essentially an excuse for people to ignore you the rest of the year.

I'm Rusty, and I only somewhat approve of this sentence... but overall I'd say I'm pretty much in favor of it if really pressed on the matter.

Whichever civilizations have siestas, those are the ones that are closest to finding enlightenment.

I saw a commercial on TV about this revolutionary new diet, and it's so exciting to me that they've finally solved that dilemma.

30 days hath September, April, June and November... So that means Halloween is in October again this year.

An alien will probably come down from the sky and tell us that the answers to all of life's mysteries are hidden exclusively in Oingo Boingo songs.

Peaches & Herb have reunited. Reportedly, they both are so excited.

The OCD in me says cars should not be allowed on the road without hubcaps, just like the college football helmet rule.

We're all famous in our own little corner. I'm the Elvis of this 2 x 2 sq. ft. of real estate. I'm legendary right where I'm standing. This is precisely how I draw on my sense of self-worth.

Gonna need to keep the lip gloss and super glue farther apart on the shelf so they're not confused. Accidentally tried to bond something with lip gloss, and it just slid right off.

Marking an e-mail as 'unread' is an unethical practice. In fact, there should be another option, like 'unattended', or 'hullaballoo'.

Every day, it's the same routine — awaken, bathe, get dressed, eat, drive to work, smuggle weasels into Canada, return home, eat, sleep.

A room full of chimpanzees that just re-created all of Shakespeare's works are now writing my blog for me, in the third monkey.

I keep having to remind myself that space is predominantly empty. And it also means that we're totally getting shafted on furniture. Solid, my ear.

Testing, testing... baritone, polyester, giraffe..... Nope, still didn't work. Hmm.

At the end of the day, talking accomplishes very little. At the beginning of the day too.

Phyllis Diller was still living? And now she's not?? I can only take one big surprise per day.

Somebody's stalking me, and if they weren't invisible it would make it much easier for me to ditch them.

Either the world has gone insane or the prescription on my rose-colored glasses has run out.

You have now successfully completed the most current Ruminating upgrade and are thus sufficiently prepared to encounter 83% of life's most important situations. Identifying what those specific situations are will be covered at a later time. 

2 comments:

Terry said...

Upgrade Complete....rebooting now.

Homespun said...

I have been waiting for this feeling all of my life, this extreme sensation of pediddlysquart... but, I enjoyed your article, so I'm not worried about that anymore. Hmmmm Hmmmm Hmmmwaaaaa waaaaaa. Blort.

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