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Thursday, July 9, 2009

Food Directions I Would Modify

Revised cooking instructions...

Healthy Choice Café Steamers
Place meal in microwave oven. Package self-vents, do not puncture. Microwave on high 4 to 5 minutes. The self-venting steaming film may make a popping sound. This is normal. If you see heavy plumes of smoke like out of the Wizard of Oz, that is not normal. Take out the miniature fire extinguisher supplied in the box, pull the pin and point at a 45° angle (be sure to use either a compass or protractor). Once you’re certain it’s pointed at the proper angle, pull the lever to release the extinguishing foam, fortified with whipped cream and tapioca pudding for a nice complementary dessert.

Generic Microwave Dinner Surprise
Remove wrap from apple dessert. Cut slits in wrap over entree. Stuff the wrap you removed from dessert through one of the slits. Cut a small circle out of the cardboard box. (you can use this as a spoon later, but don't cook it) Heat in microwave for anywhere from 3-17 minutes, depending on the nuclear rating of your microwave. This is calculated by using the following formula: amperes divided by your average daily caloric intake multiplied by the square root of rhubarb pi. Do not vary the time or it may result in damage to all living organisms within a 2000-ft. radius. Not liable for damages. Illegal to eat in most countries.

Flounder Fillets
To thaw: For best results, thaw flounder in a covered pan 4-6 hours in the refrigerator. It makes them think they’re still swimming, and gives them one last hurrah in their natural habitat. For quicker thawing, place flounder in an airtight bag or its original packaging, submerge in a pan of cold water, and heck with the whole habitat thing. Do not thaw fish at room temperature, that is unless you live in an igloo.

To bake: Preheat oven to 425° F. Well, you should’ve done that 10 minutes earlier. What were you thinking? Spray a baking dish lightly with Pam non-stick cooking spray. It doesn’t help at all, but we get paid to say it. Place thawed and thoroughly contented flounder in the pan and sprinkle with your favorite seasonings (as long as you aren’t an eccentric pathological maniac with a curious nagging bent for cayenne pepper). Bake for approximately 8-11 minutes, or until fish flakes easily when mercilessly jabbed in the side with a fork. Although fish has been filleted, small bones may occur. Not responsible for excess bonage and any resulting injuries.

Instant Oatmeal
Empty packet into microwave-safe bowl. Add 2/3 cup water or milk. If you’re cheap, you’ll just choose water, but we don’t want to sway anyone here. Besides, it’s your own decision, cheap-o. Microwave on high 1 to 2 minutes… after all, who’s counting? Stir to your heart’s desire. Let stand one minute before eating. Handle carefully; bowl may be hot. That’s what happens when you heat things up, genius. Use less water or milk for thicker oatmeal or more for thinner oatmeal, use brain for everything else. Butter is optional, depending on your region.

Pour 8 oz. — or approximately 93 Cheerios — into a cereal-safe bowl. Add milk until the Cheerios resemble itty-bitty life preservers floating aimlessly in your virtual oceanic bowl of foodtime fun. (Note that the waves you saw shown on the box were just for effect, and the images were enlarged to show texture — yeah, that’s it) Also, contents may be hot — not sure why they would be, but our lawyers like us to say that so we don’t get sued. Cheerios have, however, been known to spontaneously combust when under extremely intense pressure, like if they’re at a dance recital or studying for a final exam. Should your amalgams be rated higher than a .064 mercuric value, we advise adding guacamole to your cereal to soften the blow. Guacamole is a known nutritional flame retardant.

Apathy Fondue
You’re not going to follow the recipe anyway, so splatter the fondue mix against the wall. See if we care... Use a sponge dipped in grapefruit extract to clean wall. Feeds 8. Big wup-de-fondue.

White Grape Juice
Mix with 37 oz. of cold water (about 3 cans). Stir or shake briskly to make 48 fl. oz. Refrigerate. Well, you can drink some first, and then refrigerate. Oh, we forgot to tell you to pour it in a glass even prior to that. What are you doing drinking straight out of the pitcher? Were you born in a blasted barn? You useless morsel of tripe. You should be ashamed of your shoddy drinking habits, that’s all we have to say.

Lemon Cake Mix
Preheat oven to 350° F for metal or glass pans, 325° F for dark or coated pans, or 60° F for styrofoam pans. Grease sides and bottom of each pan with shortening. (do we need to specify the inside of the pan?) Flour lightly. We don't really know how lightly ‘lightly’ is, but we’re sure you’ll figure something out. Okay, it’s lighter than flouring heavily. It should be kind of like you’re a gentle snowstorm emanating scattered, delicate hints of snowflakes to the waiting fertile ground below. Be the flour. Become one with the flour. It’s all about you and the flour.

Blend dry mix, water, oil, eggs, and anything else you can find into a large bowl at low speed until moistened (about 30 seconds or the time it takes to run through your house screaming “I love my oven mitts!”). Beat at medium speed for 2 minutes. Pour batter in pans and bake immediately. If you wait even one second it will ruin everything.

Cake is done when toothpick inserted in center comes out clean. Do not leave toothpick in cake as it tends to add a woody taste to the cake. Cool in pan on wire rack for 15 minutes. Cool completely before frosting. If you forget, call our customer service line (800-748-3193) so we can laugh at you.

Vanilla Instant Pudding
Take out of box and eat.

Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich
Take two slices of bread. Take the first slice, and place peanut butter on the side facing up. Take the second slice, and spread jelly on the side facing down, and then ever so carefully bring the slices together without upsetting their constitution. Place in a shallow pan and simmer for three minutes. Cut into smaller portions as needed. Serves four.

Gravy Mix
Stir gravy-safe water gradually into mix with whisk in a small saucepan. Stirring frequently, cook on medium heat until gravy-to-be comes to boil. Reduce heat and simmer 1 minute. Gravy will thicken upon standing, providing you’re not a completely incompetent loser. If the gravy comes out too thin, just say it’s a basting sauce and call it good.


Anonymous said...

"Big wup-de-fondue". *snortlaugh*

AlisonWandaLand said...

Very funny.. loved the modification to the directions. If you're not careful the companies might steal your ideas and incorporate them into their products. lol

kacy faulconer said...

You are weird. And funny. Bon appetit.

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