Any misspelled words or grammatical errors on this site are provided only for effect. Views expressed here are strictly those of the author, as opposed to being from his pet iguana. We reserve the right to add new letters to the alphabet or alter the time-space continuum as we see fit. Your presence at this site is a complicit agreement to these conditions.

Monday, March 9, 2009

Getting Up to Speed

The hardest paragraph for me to ever write is the first paragraph. It could be that I'm not good at introductions. People, I'd like you to meet blog. Blog, people. There... you're acquainted. And you've got so much to talk about...

My wife said she thinks it’s time for us to get our first dog after 18 years of dogless bliss. She’s got her eye on a German shorthair that’s seven. She said in dog years, I’ll have somebody my age to keep me company. You know, what I’m thinking is it would be a lot lower maintenance just to get something that looks like a dog, such as this figurine. I’ve got a good imagination. Listen, you can even hear it barking if you try hard enough…

My hair has grown out to 3½ inches long after I had cut it short last July. I keep the bangs a little shorter, and I also keep it trimmed around the ears. When it gets to 4, I'll take another picture.

Little League practice has started. I’m the manager for a team of 9 and 10 year-olds. The season runs through April and May. Two games and one practice every week. I did this last year too, and I don’t know if I schooled them or they schooled me. We are the Cardinals this year. I wanted a red team that personified flight.

I’m about halfway through reading Awaken the Giant Within by Anthony Robbins. I’m learning some useful things, although a lot of it doesn’t seem to sink in on the first read, as it’s describing step-by-step techniques for accomplishing specific objectives. And I’m also learning that the giant within me would prefer to sleep in, but that’s another matter entirely. I like where he says things like, “The more often you make decisions, the more you’ll realize that you truly are in control of your life,” or “The only true security in life comes from knowing that every single day you are improving yourself in some way.” I can’t help but pick up his good vibes.

I’ve been on Facebook for a couple months, and I still don’t get it. Most of what I see are messages from people I don’t know but are friends of my friends or friends of my relatives. I feel like I’m in a closet exchanging business cards with 20 people all at once. I’m absorbed in it, but then not.

Regarding Facebook, it also makes Rusty cringe to try to write about himself in the third person the way they enforce it in announcements. I feel like Elmo talking. Rusty not comfortable writing in third person. Rusty like writing as if he really doing the talking.

Speaking of which, we’ve got ants in a few different rooms. We need to start charging them rent. I figure if I charged each of them 10¢ a month each, it would cover our mortgage. Maybe a dime is more than fifty times an ant’s weight, but I think they could each get about ten of their ant buddies to do some heavy lifting with them and fork over the dough. After all, it is room as well as board. It’s not like they’ve got any grocery expenses to cover.

These ants are relentless. It’s the first time I’ve ever had ants crawling across my computer screen. It could be that they’re just interested in my writing, in which case it’s going to be a painful thing to exterminate the better portion of my readership.

I feel like I know some of them by name now. Larry passes by my keyboard occasionally. (you’re lucky we’re on a first-name basis, Larry…) Meanwhile, Thaddeus meanders along the wall in his typical gait. Yo, Thaddeus! How’s life treatin’ ya? He just goes about his business as if nothing bothers him. Thaddeus is too cool to stop and talk.

These ants are actually making me a little nervous. I wish they’d quit running everywhere and just take it easy for once. They’re so absorbed in what they’re doing. The only time they stop is to grease their hips and smooth out their antennae to get better reception, and then they’re back on the trail again. How can anyone relax in this environment? But I guess they are pacing themselves, because they reserve the highest gear for when they get caught and it’s time to scatter. It makes me curious what ant expletives they’re uttering as they’re scurrying about. I wish I could hear their actual voices. What would they say? I don’t know… you figure with the size of their brains, their vocabulary couldn’t represent more than a few dozen concepts. I’m just betting that ants cuss a lot, that’s all.

I wore a sweater today, for those of you keeping track. Have you ever wondered how long it took for sweaters to catch on? “What’s this thing?” “It’s a sweater.” “Why would I want to wear something that makes me sweat?” “It doesn’t make you sweat.” “Then why even call it a sweater? Why not go all the way and call it a molter?” This piece of clothing is so dangerous that it causes chemical reactions in your skin. Not a bad selling point, actually...

My wife has started selling Tupperware, with the plan being to keep me off the streets at night. I’ve been working a second job a few nights a week since August, and some days I might see some of the kids for only 15 minutes. I figured when I got up to 500 readers here, I’d start giving her referrals. And with only 446 to go… But she wanted me to advertise right now so you can see what’s new. Just think, if you and your friends’ friends, and their stepsisters and nieces and their poodles all place orders, then I can quit my second job sooner and focus on blogging and wasting time more. Aren’t they pretty? And don’t forget the old adage — Tupperware… really locks it in™.

I have a new mole just off the side from my nose. You can’t see it if you’re more than three feet away, but it’s big enough to cast a shadow at six in the afternoon. That almost rises to crisis level in my book. Anyway, it has absorbed a lot of my attention. I only noticed it a few months ago. I’ve also found that rooting against a mole doesn’t work. You have to go with the mole.

Speaking of which, we have two captain’s seats from our van in the house, because we replaced them with a full seat that goes all the way across. The captain’s seats are comfortable to recline in. I took a nap kneeling in one once. I didn’t want to fall asleep for very long, so I wanted to stay mostly upright. Actually, we replaced the seats two years ago, but I lost track of the time.

I often have deep circles under my eyes for the first half of the day or longer. I haven’t been sleeping real well. Like Steven Wright said when someone asked him if he slept well, he said, “No, I made a few mistakes.” An exercise regimen is going to help that, and trying to get to bed at about the roughly same time each night. I’ve absorbed the concepts, and now it’s time to put them into practice.

We’re getting some snow here, but it’s not sticking down here in the valley. I think it’s snowed three times in the past two weeks, and it only stuck once in the early morning, but it was less than an inch. I’d say it was about ⅝ths of an inch. Why are people proud of how much snow they got? They act like it took some unusual talent of theirs to accomplish the magnificent feat of producing snow. Is there some prize? I keep expecting someone to step out from behind stage, complete with orchestra and confetti, and give a lifetime achievement award for the deepest snow generated by a person in a supporting role. It’s like when people catch fish. I don’t fish, but is there a technique to attract a larger fish to your hook? Is the picture next to the fish saying ‘look how talented I am’, or ‘look how incredibly lucky I am’? I’m not skeptical or anything… just curious.

Speaking of which, I got a new computer system about a month ago, just in time for me to slow down my blogging and internet activity. It’s not Vista’s fault, but it just happened to coincide. Vista has its obvious perks, though I’m wondering why they made a lot of things worse, as in more intrusive. Hello! If I want Bill Gates sitting in my lap every time I try to perform an operation, I’ll invite him over for crumpets first, but otherwise I think he should assume that I’m just too preoccupied to entertain him. I mean, I like the guy and all — what’s not to like about 50 billion dollars — but I don’t need to be constantly reminded that he rules the world. Too much of a good thing…

It’s interesting to me how Vista has more problems with the latest Internet Explorer than XP did. Did you hear that IE 12 is out? You didn’t know? It’s in triple beta right now, meaning it’s not expected to be officially released for six more years, and there are still three other releases before it comes out, but it’s always good to be one of the first. Then you can… say you were one of the first. (does that get you any brownie points?) Besides, six years from now, we’ll want to be using IE 15 beta by then, and won’t want to be messing around with any measly new releases.

Ever notice that people tend to want things that are sneak previews, just released, barely out of production, the latest, all-new, hot off the presses, etc.? Oh, incidentally, I’m wont to separate myself from the human race, as I don’t claim them collectively. Not that I’m too good for them, but I’ve got a plan, and their general modus operandi is really holding me back. I don’t mind being human per se, I mean, in terms of living and all… as if I had a choice in the matter. It’s just that we seem to be setting our sights lower, and while I’ll gleefully rub shoulders with all of you (not that you’re ‘them’), in the process I’m going to also be looking to the skies…

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Lauren hates talking in the third person, too. But eventually, after a while, Lauren's status lines began to sound like this:

Lauren is not sure that strawberries agree with me. Even though I'm always right.

Facebook, you were Lauren's intellectual downfall! It all started with you and ended with watching Dr. Phil! Lauren will get you, Facebook, if it's the last thing she does!

Dance Like Nobody's Watching

Philosophy Soccer