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Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Tidbits Anonymous

I’d like to correct any mistakes that might be found in this post. They are mere oversights in the grand scheme of things and should not be taken seriously. I regret their presence and dearly wish along with the rest of you that they would go away.

Are you ever completely satisfied with a food product that you purchase? I return everything. Never had to pay for any food my whole life. Hey, if I were completely satisfied, as they guarantee, I’d be in a state of nirvana.

It could be that I’m in denial to a certain extent, but even when I spill something on my shirt, I like to ask for a recount. My reaction typically is to say to myself, “Yeah, like that’s gonna happen!” It's too surreal to imagine having liquidation on a piece of clothing. And I’d imagine it’s somewhat healthy to be philosophical about such things. If you can pretend that something didn’t happen, then it can soften the effect for later when reality finally hits you in the face.

I’ve never understood why there are study manuals for aptitude tests. How can you study for an aptitude? It may be indicative of something, but it would be more along the lines of introspection. Are we rewarding college entrants on how well in touch they are with their aptitudes? I’m going to need to think that one over some more. Something’s rotten in Liechtenstein.

We erroneously reported in last month’s issue that the cause of the French Revolution was the cataclysmic bankrupt state of the public treasury, when in fact the real cause was Louis XVI getting miffed at the noblemen for spilling beer on his pool table. We regret any inconvenience this may have caused.

When you twist off the cap of a drink to see if you've won, they're not satisfied with only telling you you've lost. They have to rub it in by saying "try again", which basically means "keep losing some more." You thought that they were being encouraging, but they’re basically mocking you. “Lose again, loser!” “Twist off another cap so we can keep laughing at you! Bwaa-ha-haa-ha!”

I’ve been feeling a little winsome a lot lately. I think that’s possible, too. What winsome means is being consigned to the notion that you winsome and you losesome. It’s a very philosophical approach that countries take just prior to being invaded.

Why don't people say "bless you" when you cough? Is a sneeze all that better than a cough? I mean, think about it... I’d say we’ve got a lot of cough snobs who assume that someone who has a cough has only themself to blame, whereas we somehow bend over backwards to take pity on someone who experiences ailments of the sinuses. You can’t go anywhere in the industrialized world any more and get away sneezing without receiving a cacophony of bless-you’s from the masses. You can’t avoid it even if you try to muffle your sneeze. The bless-you patrol is always on the alert. They’re actively searching for people to bless. I think they go around sprinkling powder in the air just to sate themselves. Anyway, I’m here to support the cause of people with throat issues. Let your voice be heard... Well, there’s your problem…

I used the word ‘themself’ earlier, which technically isn’t an actual word, but since it should be, I’m not waiting around. As a card-carrying speaker of the English language, I take the liberty of making improvements to it. Also, combining “they” with “someone” doesn’t appear to fit grammatically, but it’s actually less awkward than the proper form. I’m not twiddling my thumbs until some stodgy linguists sort these things out over brimming tea, because it can take them generations just to modify a blasted single word form. They go so slow that I could make a whole new language in the time it takes them to update an existing one. Do I really want to get my VCR repaired or just get a new one?

Free hot dogs and Pepsi always makes me want to buy a car, doesn’t it you? I saw a new tactic last week: hula-hoops hanging from the side mirrors. These are truly desperate times. I think car dealers really need to take a long vacation, maybe check into an asylum, get a new wardrobe, reinvent themselves, and then possibly at that point come back and give it another shot.

I went to a Hall & Oates reunion concert and it was pretty good, even though none of them were the original members. But they played all the favorites. It reminded me of my college years, and such is the value of nostalgia. I hope those guys go on playing for decades to come.

In a blog post last week, I incorrectly stated that there are 61 islands in the archipelago off the tip of Alaska, when in fact there are 61.

Why do newscasts always have at least one male and one female? Are they going to raise a newscast family and have newscast kids? What is the plan here? Did they try having a newscast with either just males or just females and it didn’t work out? Did the all-male group not clean up afterward, was that the problem? Did the all-female group use up all the makeup in the makeup room? I like when somebody fills in for a sick newscaster, because the writing’s on the wall. And they always have a hard to pronounce last name, which is also why they’ve never gotten anywhere. “Hi, I’m Pete Hergenschnickelmeistersonabulist, and Stan Payday has the night off. I’m only here because someone who’s more talented than me is in a catatonic state in intensive care, otherwise I’d be out on the sidewalk panhandling.” A viewer turns to his wife and says, “Hey, didn’t I give that guy a quarter yesterday?” (And I can’t believe spell-checker didn’t like Hergenschnickelmeistersonabulist)

Later in this post, I inadvertently misquoted the president of the Purina Petfood Company. Instead of saying, as I reported, “I’d be surprised if even a tenth of all dogs go to heaven,” Mr. Maxwell Gugenheimer actually said, “This whole ‘unplugged’ thing has really gone too far.” Sorry for any emotional stress this may have placed on you. It will never happen again.

Why don't they have air bags that come out of the floors in elevators? That’s where they’d come in really handy. Falling twelve floors would seem to constitute to me the need for some kind of cushion. And it would be fun once in a while if they went off accidentally, just to keep us all entertained. You’re waiting for the elevator to get to your floor, and when the doors open, you see seven stunned people pushed up against the ceiling, mumbling some indecipherable verbiage.

Why do they ask in job interviews if you work better by yourself or in groups? Everybody works better by themselves — you never see two people sitting at the same desk, using the same phone, and the same computer at the same time. If they tried using any of these things in a group setting, it would be quite inefficient. “Yes, I work much better with another employee sitting in my lap. And if we type together, we have a combined 130 words per minute.”

The correction earlier in this post is incorrect. It shouldn’t have been corrected, since the original version was not incorrect. Sorry for any confusion this may have caused.

Is the opposite of same's opposite the same as the same of opposite's same? This has always confused me, and the minute I think I’ve got it, I realize that I don’t. Think about it, now… are those two conditions the same? These are the kinds of questions that if we’re not equipped to answer, we can give up on trying to solve the whole beginning of time thing. Let’s do first things first and not get ahead of ourselves. Sure, the Big Bang is appealing and all, but it will have to wait.

I never know quite what to do between 5:00 pm and 6:00 pm each weekday. You’re just leaving work, you’re on your way home, and you’re just getting home. The whole transition is so undefined. If I get home at 5:20, then I’m thinking, “Now what am I supposed to do for the next 40 minutes? I’m just hanging here. Somebody… please… rescue me…” I went back and checked the manual. Sure enough, it reads: “Between the hours of 5:00 pm and 6:00 pm, you’re basically on your own, so, um, good luck there.” You’d think they could show just a little more sympathy. Like the online customer service I went to last night for a web host. They said things like “I deeply apologize” and “our sincerest regrets.” I could tell that those wordtracks were genuinely concerned about ME. I mattered to them, on a highly cosmic level. Next time, we’re going to exchange photos of our kids. Me and Dave C. are best buds now. I can’t wait till the next computer glitch so I can contact them again.


Robbie said...

And here I had visions of French bankers singing "One More Day" when in reality it was more like "Le eight ball in ze corner pocquette...SACRE BLEU!"

Meaza said...

That's a lot of corrections for one day. LOL Thanks for keeping me entertained and perplexed all at the same time while I'm trying to work at home. :)

Natasha said...

Nice comment from Robbie.

You know that some people would read this and honestly think you are INSANE. Or at least schitzophrenic. I, however, am embarrassed at how much I giggled over "Hergenschnickelmeistersonabulist".Honestly, Natasha.

Mom said...

I loved your point about airbags in elevators. Get Scott to produce it and we'll all be rich. We could go into a higher tax bracket, and probably be poorer than we are now.

Natasha said...

Yes, I laughed hard at the airbags in elevators part, too.

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